How Cliche Can It Get?

[JustAReformedGirl]

I'm sorry, but this reminds me of 'karma'.

 

Believe it or not, I am familiar with the concept of Karma. If I had no conscience at all, I wouldn't be as distressed about the situation.

 

 

Can your 'single guy' ever really trust you? I think it will be in the

back of his mind always.

 

I actually have asked him that. By nature, he is quite cynical (as am I), no matter what the situation is. In this matter, he does trust me for a couple of reasons: 1) He is only my second sexual partner; it took me more than seven years to commit infidelity, which leads me to my next point...2) He already knows how messed up this whole situation is for me, and how I have absolutely no intentions of going through this crap again. I know this is hard for some people to conceive of, but I've learned from this particular error, and if I find myself unhappy with my AP as a legit partner in the future, I will do what I originally should have done in my current situation; I'll deal with it the honest way. Also difficult for you to conceive of, no doubt, is the fact that lying is not something I like being in the habit of, nor enjoy. I absolutely hate it.

 

 

Can you ever really trust him? Contrary to what you think, he has

been cheating - with you.

 

That's interesting, as I never actually claimed he doesn't have a part in the infidelity. Have you actually read my first post thoroughly? There was a brief point where I was the OW. One occasion, and it was far more limited than the rest of the affair. I apologize for being somewhat curt, but you're asking things I've already answered, or at least mulled over (which I've expressed).

 

I know what you're getting at; we're both guilty, filthy horrible people, we'll never be happy together, and such is what we deserve. However, regardless of whether it works out or not, I am willing to give it a try.

 

 

I've always wondered how a relationship founded on dishonesty can ever

work. Once the excitement is over (and it will be eventually), all you are

left with is love and trust. It seems at least one of those elements will

always be a challenge.

 

Possibly. But in all honesty, trust has been an issue even in relationships where affairs have not occurred. Early (and most of) my relationship with my H, I had trouble trusting him-without him having done anything. I have trouble trusting people in general, until I get to really know them. My AP is much the same. Infidelity was a new concept to us-one neither one of us believed ourselves capable-I'm fairly certain that, if he and I do wind up together, we will work through any issues as they come. Running with your karma statement, I can't imagine why you would care. If it falls through, you get to proclaim a self-righteous "I told you so", while meanwhile not knowing anything more about me, than the stupid choice I made (the affair; not my AP, himself).

 

Do your husband a favor - either beg for forgiveness, go absolutely full disclosure, stop seeing the other man, stop lying (even by omission) and cheating, or separate and divorce him. He deserves better. He will never be happy with less than a whole woman (you can't be 'whole' - you are giving your heart to another).

 

I won't beg for forgiveness-even if we both wanted to reconcile. As you've already stated, I don't deserve it, anyway. That's my standpoint. I don't deserve it, so I won't expect it. I will, however, apologize and feel remorse for the pain it causes him-both the divorce, and affair. That I will do.

 

And yes, I know. Even without the physical acts I've committed, my heart is already in another's grasp. My husband knows this, too. Divorce isn't just so I can get what I want-it's to spare him further damage.

 

Again, I apologize if I've come off curt, but your post struck me as condescending. What happened to you, may I ask?

[Pierre]

That's not the primary reason, but I won't deny that my feelings for my AP are galvanizing me to do what otherwise would have likely taken quite a bit longer.

 

I know I need to, and I will; I can't stress enough though, the importance of timing. The damage will likely be catastrophic, as is. Deciding when and where to drop the bomb is what I'm still working on. I know, it sounds like I'll never get around to it, or that I'm trying to protect my own skin. Believe me when I say, such isn't the case. The sooner, the better for me. I'm not sure the same can be said for him.

 

You paint your H as a needy weak man.

 

If I was in his situation I woud want to know. And if what you said is true I would immediately send you on your way. I would even call the OM to pick you up. Who in the world wants a woman that is in love with someone else. Are you assuming how your H will react? Is he really that weaK AND NEEDY?

[JustAReformedGirl]

You paint your H as a needy weak man.

 

If I was in his situation I woud want to know. And if what you said is true I would immediately send you on your way. I would even call the OM to pick you up. Who in the world wants a woman that is in love with someone else. Are you assuming how your H will react? Is he really that weaK AND NEEDY?

 

My intention was not to paint him as weak and needy. I don't view him in that light. I honestly don't know how he'll react; the possibilities are endless.

[Confused48]

I think this may be another distinction (aside from the one you mention later in your post). Were you aware of your WS's feelings for the AP? As far as emotion, I've held nothing back from my H, in that regard. That itself, was difficult to talk about, but once it came out, I told him exactly how I felt about my AP. Despite the pain it causes him, he seems to be resigned. He's made comments about my feelings for my AP being both strong, and long-lasting.

 

 

 

How long has it been? Sorry if you've previously explained that. I guess it takes being smack-dab in the middle of the decision-making process, in order to know which way you'll go. Is it going well?

 

I just tried to PM you Rebel. I want to say more than I feel comfortable saying here. It says you are blocked or too new. I'm guessing to new. You can pay to get PM privileges more quickly. I think it is nominal. Like $2.

 

It has been almost 11 months since Dday. I still have doubts that I will be able to stay with WS. It is still very painful. But we are trying. And it is getting better. There are vast improvements in our R over how it was before the A. Like others have said it is really great how improved the R is but I sure wish there was some way we could have gotten here without the A. WS feels the same. I did know on Dday that I wanted to try recon. I was very shocked that I felt that way but I did.

 

 

In that regard, I'm glad it worked out for you.

 

 

So far anyway. I'm still in so much pain though. And there have been serious bumps in the road. More on that via PM if possible.

 

Yes, I know this to be true. Knowing I need to do it, and acting on it are two different things. I need to do it, and soon. I'm still deeply conflicted as to when. Do you think there ever can be a right time to inform someone of something like this? I don't want to drop this on him at a time of great stress...but, I'm given to wonder if there's ever going to be a "right" time to do it.

 

I just hope you don't get caught before you get the chance to come clean. My WS never thought I would find out. I did. It made trusting WS was telling me the whole truth, about the A, a lot harder.

 

We've lacked passion for the better majority of our relationship. Our first year and a half was pretty good. It's steadily declined from there-excluding when we started trying to conceive our daughter, and the tail end of my pregnancy, anyway.

 

You have probably heard this before but if there was once passion, you CAN get it back. If it was never there I would wonder. But with IC and MC you should be able to get it back.

 

There is clearly something wrong with me. He doesn't pursue sex very often, true, but even when he does, it takes forever to wear me down. The funny thing is, I have an incredibly good libido. I spend more time doing it the lonely way, than anything. You'd think I'd seek him out-something I know he'd like, now and then-but I just don't feel it. He's not unattractive, or anything, so I don't understand what's wrong with me. I mean he doesn't have the washboard thing going on, but that's never mattered. Further proof is in my AP. He's even less "conventionally" attractive, yet when we have been together, or if I even just think about it, it's incredible. Yeah, I feel like crap for saying that, but I can't ignore the truth.

 

Your thing for the AP will likely fade quickly once you are with him full time! OMG, I think you are making a huge mistake. You should rekindle with your H who is naturally more physically attractive to you.

 

I promise you, I will tell him. With the way I've been feeling lately, it's has to happen soon, because I think I am quite literally losing my mind.

 

I'm sorry to hear that. I know how you must feel. I hope you get better soon. Telling your H may for a time make it worse even but then one way or another you are sure to feel better and be better off. Whether you D or recon, your life will quickly improve over living like you are now.

[whodat]

Reading through this entire thread I have to say that my heart just breaks at the thought of your family in steady decline and your blind commitment to waiting for the best time to leave.

 

The best time to leave was years ago before you tried to conceive a child in a relationship of declining interest.

 

The second best time to leave is NOW. Yes I've read about the financial problems and potentially massive fallout but, in my male opinion,to be so obsessed with timing and grooming your H for the pain is what I find the most painful and heartbreaking.

 

I can't believe IC has not been mentioned. OP you obviously have a great deal going on upstairs that you should take some time to sort out with yourself while not in a relationship (strong libido for yourself and OM but not H? Major red flags that should have come up ages ago.)

 

I can honestly say this is the first time my gut has actually turned upside down in the months that I've been lurking on LS. That post about you talking to your H about expecting pain, and him driving you to OM's house, his utter denial of the obvious. I could go on and on.....leave now. Please.

[JustAReformedGirl]

I just tried to PM you Rebel. I want to say more than I feel comfortable saying here. It says you are blocked or too new. I'm guessing to new. You can pay to get PM privileges more quickly. I think it is nominal. Like $2.

 

Too new. I'm guessing that applies to journals as well, because I can't seem to write any. I'd love to go premium, but the only credit card holder is...you guessed it, the H. I'd exchange emails, but putting it in this post wouldn't be wise, unfortunately.

 

It has been almost 11 months since Dday. I still have doubts that I will be

able to stay with WS. It is still very painful. But we are trying. And it is

getting better. There are vast improvements in our R over how it was before the

A. Like others have said it is really great how improved the R is but I sure

wish there was some way we could have gotten here without the A. WS feels the

same. I did know on Dday that I wanted to try recon. I was very shocked that I

felt that way but I did.

 

For what it's worth, I'm sorry things went the way they did for you. I do hope that time heals you both, and that your relationship becomes stronger for it. But if it doesn't work out, you have the knowledge that you tried.

 

 

 

 

So far anyway. I'm still in so much pain though. And there have been serious

bumps in the road. More on that via PM if possible.

 

How long before I have access to PM's without going premium? Or does it depend on the number of posts?

 

 

 

I just hope you don't get caught before you get the chance to come clean. My WS

never thought I would find out. I did. It made trusting WS was telling me the

whole truth, about the A, a lot harder.

 

Given all the evidence around here, I'm surprised my H hasn't caught me. I'm glad for it, since I prefer to be the one who tells him. I really, really want to take your advice-as well as everyone else who has suggested the same-but acting on it is proving difficult for me. Feel free to bang your head against the wall in exasperation; I am.

 

 

 

You have probably heard this before but if there was once passion, you CAN get

it back. If it was never there I would wonder. But with IC and MC you should

be able to get it back.

 

That's the part I'm still unsure of. When there was passion, it was during our "cloud nine" phase.

 

 

 

Your thing for the AP will likely fade quickly once you are with him full time!

OMG, I think you are making a huge mistake. You should rekindle with your H who

is naturally more physically attractive to you.

 

I think I may have made my statement about that confusing. By all accounts, to anyone else, my H is more attractive physically. I'm not repulsed by him, or anything, but there's no attraction left. I keep trying to figure out why, but I come up empty handed. My AP, despite not being "conventionally" attractive, does catch my eye. More than that though, I am emotionally stuck on him. Despite being privy to both his good and his bad aspects, my heart keeps pulling me toward him. I swear to you, I did try to fight those feelings, and I've fought plenty since it all began...even when I accept how I feel, I still can't seem to give up on the idea of him and I.

 

 

 

I'm sorry to hear that. I know how you must feel. I hope you get better soon. Telling your H may for a time make it worse even but then one way or another you are sure to feel better and be better off. Whether you D or recon, your life will quickly improve over living like you are now.

 

Please, don't be sorry for me; I got myself into this mess-even if I didn't know how bad it would be. I hope I get through this too. I'll do what I have to do, what I need to do. Thanks for your advice, and patience, Confused48. It actually means a lot, coming from someone from the opposite spectrum.

[JustAReformedGirl]

Reading through this entire thread I have to say that my heart just breaks at the thought of your family in steady decline and your blind commitment to waiting for the best time to leave.

 

The best time to leave was years ago before you tried to conceive a child in a relationship of declining interest.

 

The second best time to leave is NOW. Yes I've read about the financial problems and potentially massive fallout but, in my male opinion,to be so obsessed with timing and grooming your H for the pain is what I find the most painful and heartbreaking.

 

I can't believe IC has not been mentioned. OP you obviously have a great deal going on upstairs that you should take some time to sort out with yourself while not in a relationship (strong libido for yourself and OM but not H? Major red flags that should have come up ages ago.)

 

I can honestly say this is the first time my gut has actually turned upside down in the months that I've been lurking on LS. That post about you talking to your H about expecting pain, and him driving you to OM's house, his utter denial of the obvious. I could go on and on.....leave now. Please.

 

I know. I should have left long ago. "If I'd known then what I know now", as the saying goes...believe me, I would have done it, then. But, I didn't know. I won't say it was simply because I was young; I will say inexperience probably played a big part in it.

 

I can't undo what's done. You're sickened by me, and that's understandable. I am, too.

[whodat]

I'm sickened by no one. I know what it is like to be in a situation of regret and letting yourself get blind because you're so wrapped up in your surroundings.

 

Your husband is down and doesn't know it (or won't accept it as long as you are around). He can't stand up strong if he doesn't know he's down.

 

Leave now, the rest (closeness to child, financials) will sort themselves out. He needs to know what he is dealing with. I get the impression that right now you are sapping him of strength and confidence (because of your partial honesty and prepping for Dday). He needs time to build that back up, but can't if it is not painfully obvious that the relationship is over.

[JustAReformedGirl]

I'm sickened by no one. I know what it is like to be in a situation of regret and letting yourself get blind because you're so wrapped up in your surroundings.

 

Your husband is down and doesn't know it (or won't accept it as long as you are around). He can't stand up strong if he doesn't know he's down.

 

Leave now, the rest (closeness to child, financials) will sort themselves out. He needs to know what he is dealing with. I get the impression that right now you are sapping him of strength and confidence (because of your partial honesty and prepping for Dday). He needs time to build that back up, but can't if it is not painfully obvious that the relationship is over.

 

We haven't spoken of the eventual divorce for a few weeks, or so. He's been in a really good mood, which somewhat worries me.

 

And I have to agree with you; I do feel like, even despite his mood, I'm taking his life force away, just by staying when I feel the way I do. I don't mean to be, but I have no doubt that it's taking its toll. I know I've pointed it out to him before, as well. He goes to counselling for work-related issues, but claims he doesn't bring any of our issues up. I was baffled, to say the least, and asked him how that was possible? How could he not be stressed by everything going on with us?

 

It doesn't make any sense.

 

Thank you for your input, as well.

[Pierre]

My intention was not to paint him as weak and needy. I don't view him in that light. I honestly don't know how he'll react; the possibilities are endless.

 

Do you realize he may let you go without a fight?

 

Nevertheless, he needs to be informed.

 

I realize this is very difficult for you, but if you are not into your H there is no point to all this waiting.

 

Btw, I am concerned about your OM.

[JustAReformedGirl]

Do you realize he may let you go without a fight?

 

Nevertheless, he needs to be informed.

 

I realize this is very difficult for you, but if you are not into your H there is no point to all this waiting.

 

Btw, I am concerned about your OM.

 

That thought has occurred to me. Along with a multitude of other scenarios.

 

You, and everyone else, has my word when I say I will tell him.

 

Alright...what about OM concerns you?

[JustAReformedGirl]

I'm also seriously considering IC. If I can financially swing it, that is. As helpful as LS has been for me to get all of this off my chest and out of my head, I think I need extra help.

[Pierre]

That thought has occurred to me. Along with a multitude of other scenarios.

 

You, and everyone else, has my word when I say I will tell him.

 

Alright...what about OM concerns you?

 

Single men that date married women often have issues. Why do that? Is he out of options?

[JustAReformedGirl]

Single men that date married women often have issues. Why do that? Is he out of options?

 

Oh, he has issues; I don't know a single human being who doesn't. As to whether his issues have anything to do with him wanting to be with me? Well, that's a whole other story. Of course, I can't be certain, one way or another. But, I will present what I know:

 

The long and the short of it is, he's had feelings for me for a long time. He has dated other women (in the years we'd lost contact, particularly) but obviously, those relationships didn't work out. Ironically, one of those relationships ended because his gf at the time was seeing someone else, and left him.

 

I'll admit, his longevity in relationships has made me wonder (longest being 3 years). I'm sure he played his part in why those relationships didn't work out, but that doesn't mean it's all on him.

 

Before he started dating the one woman I mentioned (when I had my short stint as an OW), it had been a couple of years since his last relationship.

 

Beyond that, I have little knowledge on the mechanics behind any of his relationships.

 

I don't think he's "going after me, because he's run out of options", per se. But, I'm sure that coupled with how he feels about me, his apparent loneliness may have led him done this path.

Edited June 25, 2013 by Rebel-Dynasty

[Confused48]

Too new. I'm guessing that applies to journals as well, because I can't seem to write any. I'd love to go premium, but the only credit card holder is...you guessed it, the H. I'd exchange emails, but putting it in this post wouldn't be wise, unfortunately.

 

Its just a couple dollars.

 

For what it's worth, I'm sorry things went the way they did for you. I do hope that time heals you both, and that your relationship becomes stronger for it. But if it doesn't work out, you have the knowledge that you tried.

 

Thank you. Talking to you has helped me.

 

 

 

 

 

How long before I have access to PM's without going premium? Or does it depend on the number of posts?

 

I think it is time. And I think it is 60 day or two months.

 

 

 

Given all the evidence around here, I'm surprised my H hasn't caught me. I'm glad for it, since I prefer to be the one who tells him. I really, really want to take your advice-as well as everyone else who has suggested the same-but acting on it is proving difficult for me. Feel free to bang your head against the wall in exasperation; I am.

 

Tell him if you can. But "doing it the hard way" is also an option. I strongly advise against it.

 

 

That's the part I'm still unsure of. When there was passion, it was during our "cloud nine" phase.

 

So maybe you are hooked on the chemical high that people get at the start of a relationship. Do you want to mature and learn other ways to be attracted and enjoy sex? Or do you want to bounce from relationship to relationship for the rest of your life? Having messy break ups and short lived honey moon sex? Really great sex happens when the honey moon is over but you still want that hunk you set your sights on 2 or 10 or 30 years ago.

 

I think I may have made my statement about that confusing. By all accounts, to anyone else, my H is more attractive physically. I'm not repulsed by him, or anything, but there's no attraction left. I keep trying to figure out why, but I come up empty handed. My AP, despite not being "conventionally" attractive, does catch my eye. More than that though, I am emotionally stuck on him. Despite being privy to both his good and his bad aspects, my heart keeps pulling me toward him. I swear to you, I did try to fight those feelings, and I've fought plenty since it all began...even when I accept how I feel, I still can't seem to give up on the idea of him and I.

 

It is a brain chemistry thing. If you can see that you will probably realize what a mistake you have made with the AP. Holy Cow! I just hope you realize that and your H forgives that.

 

 

Please, don't be sorry for me; I got myself into this mess-even if I didn't know how bad it would be. I hope I get through this too. I'll do what I have to do, what I need to do. Thanks for your advice, and patience, Confused48. It actually means a lot, coming from someone from the opposite spectrum.

 

I do feel for you. Not sorry like pity but sad that you are going through this. I loved/love my WS and WS felt this way too. No one that loves someone can watch this pain unfold and not wish it was not visited upon that person. Maybe that will be your indicator as to how your H feels about you and your marriage. You will not be able to hide your pain even if you try. If he sees that and does not care, then you have your answer.

[Confused48]

I'm also seriously considering IC. If I can financially swing it, that is. As helpful as LS has been for me to get all of this off my chest and out of my head, I think I need extra help.

 

I think IC would help you. I think if you tell your H about the A and he wants recon he will pay for it in a heart beat.

[Confused48]

Oh, he has issues; I don't know a single human being who doesn't. As to whether his issues have anything to do with him wanting to be with me? Well, that's a whole other story. Of course, I can't be certain, one way or another. But, I will present what I know:

 

The long and the short of it is, he's had feelings for me for a long time. He has dated other women (in the years we'd lost contact, particularly) but obviously, those relationships didn't work out. Ironically, one of those relationships ended because his gf at the time was seeing someone else, and left him.

 

I'll admit, his longevity in relationships has made me wonder (longest being 3 years). I'm sure he played his part in why those relationships didn't work out, but that doesn't mean it's all on him.

 

Before he started dating the one woman I mentioned (when I had my short stint as an OW), it had been a couple of years since his last relationship.

 

Beyond that, I have little knowledge on the mechanics behind any of his relationships.

 

I don't think he's "going after me, because he's run out of options", per se. But, I'm sure that coupled with how he feels about me, his apparent loneliness may have led him done this path.

 

After you have been on LS for a while you will see that your AP is not unusual at all. People that are willing to have sex with other people that are married are mostly (not always) very damaged individuals with very sad lives and they are not good long term relationship material.

 

I'm so sorry that you got sucked into this. You do not seem to me to be the kind of person that is comfortable with this. I so feel for you. I hope you can jettison this damaged guy who got you to do this and get back to being the real you. With or without your H you deserve better than this guy.

[JustAReformedGirl]

 

Thank you. Talking to you has helped me.

 

It has? Well, I'm glad to have been of some help then, since you've been very helpful and understanding about all of this.

 

 

Tell him if you can. But "doing it the hard way" is also an option. I strongly

advise against it.

 

Trust me, I will be telling him. I'd rather not make this situation any worse than it already is.

 

 

So maybe you are hooked on the chemical high that people get at the start of a

relationship. Do you want to mature and learn other ways to be attracted and

enjoy sex? Or do you want to bounce from relationship to relationship for the

rest of your life? Having messy break ups and short lived honey moon sex?

Really great sex happens when the honey moon is over but you still want that

hunk you set your sights on 2 or 10 or 30 years ago.

 

Of course I want to have a long-lasting relationship, where I'm still sexually passionate about the person I'm with for many years to come. I know you mean well, Confused48. I know you think I'm making a big mistake-but what if my AP is the person I should be with, at the end of this? My husband is a good person, but how can you be sure he's the right person?

 

 

 

It is a brain chemistry thing. If you can see that you will probably realize

what a mistake you have made with the AP. Holy Cow! I just hope you realize

that and your H forgives that.

 

Again Confused, I respect and appreciate your input-but the affair aside, how can you be sure that being with my AP is truly a mistake? It might be, or it might not be. I do appreciate your concern though. I know you're just trying to help.

 

 

 

 

I do feel for you. Not sorry like pity but sad that you are going through this. I loved/love my WS and WS felt this way too. No one that loves someone can watch this pain unfold and not wish it was not visited upon that person. Maybe that will be your indicator as to how your H feels about you and your marriage. You will not be able to hide your pain even if you try. If he sees that and does not care, then you have your answer.

 

I guess we'll see what happens, then. I have no prediction for how this will go-but whatever follows, I have to be ready, for better or for worse. Thanks again, for all of your advice.

[JustAReformedGirl]

After you have been on LS for a while you will see that your AP is not unusual at all. People that are willing to have sex with other people that are married are mostly (not always) very damaged individuals with very sad lives and they are not good long term relationship material.

 

I'm so sorry that you got sucked into this. You do not seem to me to be the kind of person that is comfortable with this. I so feel for you. I hope you can jettison this damaged guy who got you to do this and get back to being the real you. With or without your H you deserve better than this guy.

 

I don't know...I know he seems like a textbook case, but somehow, I don't think that's the case.

 

Still, I'll take what you say into consideration, as always. The multitude of perspectives helps to sort of organize the chaos that's going on in my own head.

[Confused48]

It has? Well, I'm glad to have been of some help then, since you've been very helpful and understanding about all of this.

 

I know from being here on LS that your willingness to share honestly and openly with us is not just helping me but others too. I'm just more grateful to you than others bc your story is more similar to mine than most.

 

Trust me, I will be telling him. I'd rather not make this situation any worse than it already is.

 

Good for you.

 

Of course I want to have a long-lasting relationship, where I'm still sexually passionate about the person I'm with for many years to come.

 

I'm going to guess that you are in your 30's. Don't answer. It does not matter how old you are really. I had really immature ideas about sex and relationships very late in life. But I'm not normal. lol. If you are a normal 30 something you may not know how to cultivate the long term, hot for your guy, relationship.

 

I know you mean well, Confused48. I know you think I'm making a big mistake-but what if my AP is the person I should be with, at the end of this? My husband is a good person, but how can you be sure he's the right person?

Again Confused, I respect and appreciate your input-but the affair aside, how can you be sure that being with my AP is truly a mistake? It might be, or it might not be. I do appreciate your concern though. I know you're just trying to help.

 

I've been on this site a lot longer than my start date indicates. Yet I've never seen a more clear cut (IMHO) example of someone being seduced by a chemical high in the brain and going to be very disappointed in the near future.

 

I'm sorry to tell you but this is one reason you help me. I see my WS as having done what you are right now, still doing. I can see how really pointless that A was. I can almost accept it. Not quite. Not yet. Maybe someday. Ugh. If you were my WS I'd say "Stop it! It is hurting us both and you more than me. And seeing your hurt just hurts me more! I cant stand to see you doing this to yourself."

[JustAReformedGirl]

I know from being here on LS that your willingness to share honestly and openly with us is not just helping me but others too. I'm just more grateful to you than others bc your story is more similar to mine than most.

 

I figured if I was going to bother posting, I was going to put it all on the table, to the best of my ability (honestly, my head is in constant chaos; there's no semblance of order up there). I'm glad that my story is helping you with your own.

 

 

 

I'm going to guess that you are in your 30's. Don't answer. It does not matter

how old you are really. I had really immature ideas about sex and relationships

very late in life. But I'm not normal. lol. If you are a normal 30 something

you may not know how to cultivate the long term, hot for your guy, relationship.

 

I'm not sure if I qualify as normal either, lol. I will say my experiences have been very limited.

 

 

 

I've been on this site a lot longer than my start date indicates. Yet I've

never seen a more clear cut (IMHO) example of someone being seduced by a

chemical high in the brain and going to be very disappointed in the near future.

 

I respect your opinion, but I don't agree with it. Sorry.

 

I'm sorry to tell you but this is one reason you help me. I see my WS as having done what you are right now, still doing. I can see how really pointless that A was. I can almost accept it. Not quite. Not yet. Maybe someday. Ugh. If you were my WS I'd say "Stop it! It is hurting us both and you more than me. And seeing your hurt just hurts me more! I cant stand to see you doing this to yourself."

 

It's okay, I really appreciate your honest approach on this matter. I actually had a pretty good guess that, because the situations are so similar, that it might be the reason you've been so determined to help me. Thank you, it really is a big help. I will certainly take what you've said into consideration, and I'll let you know how things go, and what occurs.

[Confused48]

I don't know...I know he seems like a textbook case, but somehow, I don't think that's the case.

 

That is b/c you are a text book case too. I dont want to insult you. You are normal. A normal person who got seduced by a text book case damaged guy. A damaged guy who would take a married women with a young child and have sex with her for his own selfish needs. A selfish guy that would blow up your life and your kid's life without any regret.

 

Just wait and see how he reacts when you tell your H and tell him that you want to recon with your H. You will see his true colors then. If you and your H try recon that is. If you don't I predict that it will be a year or so where you try to make it work with this AP and you eventually see his true nature. Oh, I so hope that is not your fate. I don't think it will be. I sense the AP is so damaged that you will not want to be with him more than a month or 2 post Dday. Just be aware that your H may or may not tolerate any waffling.

[hoping2heal]

Rebel,

 

You've already been given good/important advice about checking out the marital laws in your state, seeing if infidelity is a criminal offense in the Canadian military etc. Obviously, this has all brought to a head the fact that your marriage isn't going to work out and it needs to end.

 

A few things really popped out at me though which you need to take into consideration and at least prepare yourself for. The single guy is striking me as very flaky. My first red flag was when you mentioned he briefly dated someone else he had emotional and physical feelings for. I realize that once he pursued that avenue it did not work out so he no longer dated her, but the fact that he was able to do that in the first place is a pretty big indicator he wasn't as emotionally invested in you as you seem to be. I know some people have mentioned "Well you're married so he just figured if you can have someone else than he should be able to". The difference though is you do not have that emotional attatchment in your marriage. I do believe you care about your husband as a friend, but no you are not having 2 emotional attachments at one time. The fact that he wouldn't cheat on with you at the same time just speaks to this attachment he was feeling towards her, however brief.

 

For the time being he has said he's only been physically attracted to other women so he isn't dating anyone else. But, time has been relevantly short and what about when he begins to feel an emotional bond towards another woman he'd want to pursue?

 

The other thing is you mentioned him expressing that he feels like he is responsible for breaking up a family. Now, it isn't that it couldn't be a very normal and understandable emotional to feel. Instead, what I find very curious about it as that he chatted you up knowing you were married. He requested to pleasure you, knowing you were married. He continued to have something going on with you (when he wasn't dating the other lady). It was certainly not a spur of the moment process. It took time, it continued over months, and now when you mentioned you'll be leaving your husband is when he says something like this. It sounds to me like an escape plan. He very well may feel genuine guilt, too. But, so long as you're married he's okay with having sex with you and pursuing the connection and then when the possibility presents itself that you'll be single suddenly he's feeling this way. It does not bode well.

 

You need to do what's best for you and your daughter but I would tread lightly and slowly with the single guy. Maybe you will divorce and the two of you will have the relationship you're hoping for, but so far this guy is throwing off some clear indicators that it isn't exactly likely.

[Confused48]

Rebel,

 

One more thing and then to bed for me. During my WS's affair my first ever lover contacted me. Told me that I was wanted, sexually. I told my WS. My WS at first told me to go for it but just be discrete. Said to never talk about it or let WS know about it. Post Dday I realized that WS was saying that bc of guilt. I also realized that my former first love was one F@cked up individual. I'm so glad I did not take up my WS invitation to do that with that person.

[JustAReformedGirl]

Rebel,

 

You've already been given good/important advice about checking out the marital laws in your state, seeing if infidelity is a criminal offense in the Canadian military etc. Obviously, this has all brought to a head the fact that your marriage isn't going to work out and it needs to end.

 

This is the direction I'm going, more than likely.

 

The difference though is you do not have that emotional attatchment in your

marriage. I do believe you care about your husband as a friend, but no you are

not having 2 emotional attachments at one time. The fact that he wouldn't cheat

on with you at the same time just speaks to this attachment he was feeling

towards her, however brief.

 

I feel that you describe my feelings for my H accurately. As to my AP not cheating? We did do things while he was dating her (I only saw him once in their entire relationship, due to distance), but he was more conflicted (she texted him right after we'd been kissing). When he started dating her, it was decided we wouldn't continue the affair. He was a couple of months into their relationship, it was long-distance, and she had been showing signs of ending it; I think, given that, he jumped the gun, and decided he felt more strongly for me. At the end, she manipulated him, and he talked to her less and less.

 

For the time being he has said he's only been physically attracted to other

women so he isn't dating anyone else. But, time has been relevantly short and

what about when he begins to feel an emotional bond towards another woman he'd

want to pursue?

 

I asked him about that. He's not interested in anyone else, as far as relationships go. Right now, he's focused on other matters (to do with housing), and while that issue is still unresolved, further talk of us has been postponed. Until his housing issue came up, (which you can find detailed in earlier posts), he was adamant about me moving there. I was starting to make preparations, but a wrench was thrown in the works.

 

The other thing is you mentioned him expressing that he feels like he is

responsible for breaking up a family. Now, it isn't that it couldn't be a very

normal and understandable emotional to feel. Instead, what I find very curious

about it as that he chatted you up knowing you were married. He requested to

pleasure you, knowing you were married. He continued to have something going on

with you (when he wasn't dating the other lady). It was certainly not a spur of

the moment process. It took time, it continued over months, and now when you

mentioned you'll be leaving your husband is when he says something like this. It

sounds to me like an escape plan.

 

In regards to this, see previous statement on both our relations, and arrangements of being together. I see where you might get that impression, but I assure you, we've had serious talks about being together. We have been temporarily way-laid, but it's something we both will revisit when he takes care of the housing issue.

 

He very well may feel genuine guilt, too. But, so long as you're married

he's okay with having sex with you and pursuing the connection and then when the

possibility presents itself that you'll be single suddenly he's feeling this

way. It does not bode well.

 

I fear you, like many, have misinterpreted, or missed some, of what I said. He hasn't been doing the push-pull. He's actually ended the affair a couple of times in the interest of not putting me through this. These occurred when he had nothing to lose or gain from the situation.

 

You need to do what's best for you and your daughter but I would tread lightly and slowly with the single guy. Maybe you will divorce and the two of you will have the relationship you're hoping for, but so far this guy is throwing off some clear indicators that it isn't exactly likely.

 

That is my hope, but regardless, the end result will still comprise of me divorcing my H. I'm aware of the risk I'm taking, which is why my AP is not the primary reason behind my decision to leave. If it works with us, I'll be happy. If not, it will undoubtedly hurt, but it will be a learning experience.