Mixed Emotions

[MMY]

Wow.... relax.. It's Friday. cutedragon,, I would be selfishness and lack of empathy if I just considered my AP just a piece of @ss or I didn't have an understanding of being married for 20 years and not doing the best on my behalf and try to communicate better with my wife. I know that I crossed a line, I know that I screwed up and let my emotions get involved with the AP. I know that it is going to take a lot of hard work to get things going at home.

 

But to quote you "if you haven't walked in my shoes" how do you really know.

 

I came on here to see and talk with other people who have had or are going through the same situation that I am. We all are a little messed up but I have found it better to talk than to just let crazy thought go through my head.

 

I don't need your or anyone's sympathy. Sometimes people just need to talk.

 

Thanks and I hope you have a great weekend!!

[secretlady76]

Ok. So let's just put OW to one side for a moment here, get on your soap box and tell us exactly what is going on (or not as the case may be) at home from your point of view. What is good/bad/ugly about your marriage. What is it that made you think (for however long it was) that you were finished.

 

I am asking, because if we have a little background we may have a better picture and be in a better position to help/give advice etc.

[MMY]

Ok, I used to be a little on the wild side when it came to women when I was growing up. whoever I was with it was mutual and although I had the girlfriend for a few years from time to time I never found one I wanted to settle down with. My wife and I knew each other when we were in school but never dated. She married a guy that I was in a band with and was married for 4 years until she found out that he had gotten someone pregnant.

 

When she and I crossed paths 21 years ago we had that spark, we went places, did things and had a great time. Two years into our marriage we had our first child (girl) but 18 months later we had our 2nd child (boy).

 

We were fortunate enough that she could stay at home and raise the kids. I had my own business and things were going great. I through myself into the business and she focused on the kids.

 

She is a very dedicated mother and I am very thankful for that and thankful for the plans that we had made and the family we were raising.

 

Everything for me seem to turn when my daughter turned 14. I thought it was a stage that she was going through because she and I were butting heads and I (being the adult) and trying to figure out how to raise a daughter did the best I could to bring her up the right way. As my daughter and I grew further apart so did my wife and I. She never went against me as for what we should and should not do in raising her but my daughter but as time when by she seemed to let my daughter do more and my wife was always doing, going and focused on them.

 

in 2009 my business went south. I folded and went to work for a large company and traveled some but not a lot. I found myself looking forward to being away, getting out of town. I loved going to a local pub and meeting people. I have always been flirtation but never ran around on her at all.

 

18 months later I was laid off, couldn't find work, worked jobs I didn't like but I always provided. Then came the bankruptcy, almost loosing the house, she worried herself to death as I had always been a glass half full kind of guy and knew God would always see us through the rough times.

 

Things continue to go down hill with both my wife and daughter. I got to the point of saying I don't care.... do what you want. She is such a pretty and smart girl, so polite to others but soooo hateful to me.

 

I also had a falling out with my parents (seems like I am such a bad person) and I ended up meeting AP and it allowed me to escape.

 

I know right from wrong and I know I was doing wrong and once she found out about the A we went to the preacher and counseling. I told her I loved her but not in love with her. Told her (almost everything) about the A. and like I said earlier she and I are working at getting better. She is the type that never ask a lot of questions. I told her once I told one lie it was easer to tell the 2nd.

 

I do feel that things have happened for a reason and we both know it will take time. That being said, I can't change what I have done but I also can't flip and emotion switch and not think about or miss the AP.

 

Ask questions if you have any. I will try to answer the best I can.

 

Thanks

[Pierre]

Ok, I used to be a little on the wild side when it came to women when I was growing up. whoever I was with it was mutual and although I had the girlfriend for a few years from time to time I never found one I wanted to settle down with. My wife and I knew each other when we were in school but never dated. She married a guy that I was in a band with and was married for 4 years until she found out that he had gotten someone pregnant.

 

When she and I crossed paths 21 years ago we had that spark, we went places, did things and had a great time. Two years into our marriage we had our first child (girl) but 18 months later we had our 2nd child (boy).

 

We were fortunate enough that she could stay at home and raise the kids. I had my own business and things were going great. I through myself into the business and she focused on the kids.

 

She is a very dedicated mother and I am very thankful for that and thankful for the plans that we had made and the family we were raising.

 

Everything for me seem to turn when my daughter turned 14. I thought it was a stage that she was going through because she and I were butting heads and I (being the adult) and trying to figure out how to raise a daughter did the best I could to bring her up the right way. As my daughter and I grew further apart so did my wife and I. She never went against me as for what we should and should not do in raising her but my daughter but as time when by she seemed to let my daughter do more and my wife was always doing, going and focused on them.

 

in 2009 my business went south. I folded and went to work for a large company and traveled some but not a lot. I found myself looking forward to being away, getting out of town. I loved going to a local pub and meeting people. I have always been flirtation but never ran around on her at all.

 

18 months later I was laid off, couldn't find work, worked jobs I didn't like but I always provided. Then came the bankruptcy, almost loosing the house, she worried herself to death as I had always been a glass half full kind of guy and knew God would always see us through the rough times.

 

Things continue to go down hill with both my wife and daughter. I got to the point of saying I don't care.... do what you want. She is such a pretty and smart girl, so polite to others but soooo hateful to me.

 

I also had a falling out with my parents (seems like I am such a bad person) and I ended up meeting AP and it allowed me to escape.

 

I know right from wrong and I know I was doing wrong and once she found out about the A we went to the preacher and counseling. I told her I loved her but not in love with her. Told her (almost everything) about the A. and like I said earlier she and I are working at getting better. She is the type that never ask a lot of questions. I told her once I told one lie it was easer to tell the 2nd.

 

I do feel that things have happened for a reason and we both know it will take time. That being said, I can't change what I have done but I also can't flip and emotion switch and not think about or miss the AP.

 

Ask questions if you have any. I will try to answer the best I can.

 

Thanks

 

Wow! If anyone deserves a MLC that would be you.

 

And as you are having this MLC suddenly there is OW. You enter the affair bubble and while you are in the bubble life is good. All those problems are left behind. I can't say I blame you. This is all very classic (for both men and women).

 

But, even without a MLC you would have fallen for OW. It seems MOW was vulnerable to an exit affair. She probably truly had a crappy marriage. But, who cares if you put happily married men and women together on a daily basis with common goals and tasks romance happens.

 

Many OWs are naive and think that if a MM cheats he must be married to a witch or a woman that looks like the hunchback of Notre Dame. Your MOW probably thought your marriage was as bad as hers. IN this scenario the MOWs get a divorce and the MM stays married.

 

So there is nothing wrong with you. You are human and all of us make mistakes. I suspect, you have a great wife and leaving her could be a huge mistake. You may want to enjoy what is left of your youth, but soon you will be in your 60s and hanging out with the 30 year olds in the pub will not be the same.

 

I also suspect your MOW is not the best wife in the planet. It takes two to ruin a marriage.

 

I suggest you go 100% NC and allow the MOW to leave your system. Then ask your wife to treat you like MOW used to and you will be fine. However, you must also traet your wife like you treated MOW.

[Pierre]

Aren't you kind of generalizing? I don't blame my lack of happiness on my husband; I know it's my responsibility. Remember, each situation is different.

 

 

 

 

Of course. We're supposed to work as a unit to achieve that goal, and not expect every moment to be magical. It's when the trying produces little to no results that it becomes an issue; and not in the sense of "he/she isn't making me happy" but in the sense of, "perhaps nothing will improve the relationship". Of course, an affair doesn't subtract the problem; it adds to it. I know this, IME.

 

 

 

As in they derive happiness just from being together, but not from expectations? Or did you mean they don't need one another in order to be happy?

 

 

 

I'm of the mind that my husband was the right person to be with-at the start. I believe we ceased to be right for one another a long time ago, but we were determined to try and make it work. That's not where we went wrong. In fact, "we" didn't. I did, when I entered an affair, instead of accepting my situation with my husband for what it is, and ending it. I should have ended it, before entering into an affair. Sadly, time travel has yet to be figured out.

 

 

I was not talking about you. I simply made a general statement about the very common phrase "something was missing". It is very cliché and I just noted you posted about that subject.

 

The story of the OP is also very cliché. He even used another cliché phrase: "I love you, but I am not in love with you". That is exactly how a person feels when they have lust and romantic enchantment for the AP and long term love for the spouse. They are just two different forms of love that can coexist.

[JustAReformedGirl]

I was not talking about you. I simply made a general statement about the very common phrase "something was missing". It is very cliché and I just noted you posted about that subject.

 

The story of the OP is also very cliché. He even used another cliché phrase: "I love you, but I am not in love with you". That is exactly how a person feels when they have lust and romantic enchantment for the AP and long term love for the spouse. They are just two different forms of love that can coexist.

 

I knew you weren't speaking directly about me. I had to draw from my own circumstances however, to point out that things seldom are so cut and dry.

 

Those phrases certainly may be cliché, but I suppose it's because we lack any other way to explain what we're thinking, feeling, and what's going on.

 

I also thought about that, too; the fact that the love the OP has for his wife is a different variety than what he has for his AP. I thought about that in my own situation, as well, for the longest time. And while I certainly can't negate the possibility that people confuse the long-term "comfortable" love with loss of love, there are certainly cases here that fall into the loss. Keeping in mind when I say "loss", I don't mean they have no love for their spouse at all, but that perhaps the type of love it takes for that type of relationship no longer applies.

 

Also, can someone please tell me what MLC is? I know most of the acronyms, but this one I'm unsure of. (I'm guessing LC is limited contact. Is IC independent counselling? There are a few acronyms not pinned in the forum. So anyone who can help clear some of these up, your help is much appreciated).

[Pierre]

I knew you weren't speaking directly about me. I had to draw from my own circumstances however, to point out that things seldom are so cut and dry.

 

Those phrases certainly may be cliché, but I suppose it's because we lack any other way to explain what we're thinking, feeling, and what's going on.

 

I also thought about that, too; the fact that the love the OP has for his wife is a different variety than what he has for his AP. I thought about that in my own situation, as well, for the longest time. And while I certainly can't negate the possibility that people confuse the long-term "comfortable" love with loss of love, there are certainly cases here that fall into the loss. Keeping in mind when I say "loss", I don't mean they have no love for their spouse at all, but that perhaps the type of love it takes for that type of relationship no longer applies.

 

Also, can someone please tell me what MLC is? I know most of the acronyms, but this one I'm unsure of. (I'm guessing LC is limited contact. Is IC independent counselling? There are a few acronyms not pinned in the forum. So anyone who can help clear some of these up, your help is much appreciated).

 

MLC = Mid Life Crisis

 

The initial lust and romantic enchantment can become less exciting afetr the couple has been continuously together for more than 2-3 years. The relationship then becomes much more calm and relaxed.

 

Sadly, there people that do not understand what love really is. They feel they must be horny 24/7 for the partner. And if they feel horny for someone else then it is time to move on. They also see love as having a partner that makes and keeps them happy. The concept of intrinsic happiness is foreign and therefore they need constant external validation.

 

You will often see cliché phrases like she or he "makes me happy". AP makes me happy, my wide does not make me happy are common phrases.

 

Even single OWs say "I know how to make my MM happy, his wife does not pay attention to him and I do".

 

All these clichés are important because they tells us about the make up of the person having the affair.

 

Lastly, some people need no extra validation. They just seek variety.

[JustAReformedGirl]

MLC = Mid Life Crisis

 

Thank you! Now that I know what it stands for, I feel like that acronym should have been obvious to me, lol.

 

The initial lust and romantic enchantment can become less exciting afetr the

couple has been continuously together for more than 2-3 years. The relationship

then becomes much more calm and relaxed.

 

This is true; some take less time to reach that state, some take longer, but I understand that's an average estimate.

 

Sadly, there people that do not understand what love really is. They feel they

must be horny 24/7 for the partner. And if they feel horny for someone else

then it is time to move on.

 

There does seem to be a lot of people who get that confused. Sadly, a lot of what they see in a magazine or on t.v. tends to condition their way of thinking. It's quite sad, really.

 

They also see love as having a partner that makes and keeps them

happy. The concept of intrinsic happiness is foreign and therefore they

need constant external validation.

 

Also true.

 

You will often see cliché phrases like she or he "makes me happy". AP makes me

happy, my wife does not make me happy are common phrases.

 

Again, agreed; they don't understand it's not their partners job to fully fulfill that role. While I say fully, understand that I don't mean it's their partner's job to do things for them to make them happy, but rather, their partner shouldn't go out of their way to make them unhappy (belittling them, neglecting all aspects of the relationship, etc.)

 

How about in the case of, "It makes me happy to be with him/her"? Surely you don't lump that into the same category?

 

Even single OWs say "I know how to make my MM happy, his wife does not pay

attention to him and I do".

 

Any OW who says that is either making an assumption, based on the affair, or based on what the MM has told them. But in that case, no, they shouldn't instantly believe that. It kind of sounds immature, to hear it out loud.

 

All these clichés are important because they tells us about the make up of the

person having the affair.

 

Oh gods, you'd probably have a field day with me, then.

 

Lastly, some people need no extra validation. They just seek variety.

 

Also true.

[MMY]

Wanted to see if anyone had issues being loving to your H or W after an A.

 

Like I said earlier, my w is trying but it is hard for me to even kiss her. she wants to but I just don't feel right.

 

It has been almost 3 months since I have seen my AP. I keep answering my own question the (Time) is needed.

 

Anyway thanks for any comments.

[Snowflower]

 

Everything for me seem to turn when my daughter turned 14. I thought it was a stage that she was going through because she and I were butting heads and I (being the adult) and trying to figure out how to raise a daughter did the best I could to bring her up the right way. As my daughter and I grew further apart so did my wife and I. She never went against me as for what we should and should not do in raising her but my daughter but as time when by she seemed to let my daughter do more and my wife was always doing, going and focused on them.

 

 

 

Things continue to go down hill with both my wife and daughter. I got to the point of saying I don't care.... do what you want. She is such a pretty and smart girl, so polite to others but soooo hateful to me.

 

 

 

Ask questions if you have any. I will try to answer the best I can.

 

Thanks

 

MMY, it seems like you have been through a lot the last few years.

 

I'm curious though, why do you feel your daughter's behavior contributed to the problems you and your wife have had? Teenage girls can be very challenging but why would that cause problems between you and your wife? By your own account, you said your wife is a very good mother.

 

Are things better in your relationship with your daughter now?

 

Just curious is all. I sometimes wonder if it is the relative loss of "daddy's little girl" that pushes some men toward affairs. Especially if your daughter looked up to you for years but then as she grew and changed, you felt that change very keenly?

[Spark1111]

I'm sorry you are grieving your AP, but I see it differently.

 

I think she dumped you and used her children as the excuse.

 

While your wife was heavily involved with keeping your adolescent on an even keel, who was WATCHING OW's children while she talked, texted and saw you every other day for 18 months??????

 

I mean, were they hung on hooks in the closet so she could devote ALL This time or attention to you while battling a bad H and moving towards divorce??????

 

And now that the divorce is imminent, she tells you she needs to devote time to them when your wife threatens to call her stbx?????

 

Sorry, I smell rotten fish here MMY. You were dumped when the affair became a real risk to her future outcomes. preservation outweighed all that fun making out sessions and emotional " connections."

 

meanwhile, you are still pining for this woman while you seem to have a devoted mother and a forgiving spouse who today, SEEMS to have given you the gift of reconciliation and YOU do not seem the least bit grateful or can even bring yourself to kiss her.

 

If you were one of my many brothers, I'd slap you!

[MMY]

MMY, it seems like you have been through a lot the last few years.

 

I'm curious though, why do you feel your daughter's behavior contributed to the problems you and your wife have had? My daughter and I have not had a good or any real relationship in 5 years. As we grew apart I felt so did my wife as she ended up being the caregiver and I seemed left out from both relationships. I feel I was and still in a MLC, every time we would argue I ended up wanting to leave and get away from everything. That was all happening before the A. Teenage girls can be very challenging but why would that cause problems between you and your wife? She was so focused on the kid's needs that we drifted apart. By your own account, you said your wife is a very good mother. She is but it was to the point that we couldn't go do anything because she had to take the kid's here and there. Non-stop, I get that but that didn't help our situation.

 

Are things better in your relationship with your daughter now? No, as a mater a fact we just had a big blow up on the phone. Maybe I need to switch over to a different forum on this one but She is 18 and just finished high school and has stayed over at her BF's house. He is 21 and still lives with his parents.

I understand some of that but when we said we wanted her to come home she was very disrespectful.

 

Just curious is all. I sometimes wonder if it is the relative loss of "daddy's little girl" that pushes some men toward affairs. Especially if your daughter looked up to you for years but then as she grew and changed, you felt that change very keenly?

I don't know what changed but she and I are far apart right now.

[MMY]

I'm sorry you are grieving your AP, but I see it differently.

 

I think she dumped you and used her children as the excuse. In a way you are right.

 

While your wife was heavily involved with keeping your adolescent on an even keel, who was WATCHING OW's children while she talked, texted and saw you every other day for 18 months??????

 

I mean, were they hung on hooks in the closet so she could devote ALL This time or attention to you while battling a bad H and moving towards divorce??????

 

And now that the divorce is imminent, she tells you she needs to devote time to them when your wife threatens to call her stbx?????

 

Sorry, I smell rotten fish here MMY. You were dumped when the affair became a real risk to her future outcomes. preservation outweighed all that fun making out sessions and emotional " connections." She did the right thing because if she didn't cut things off between us I might not have the opportunity to correct things at home. It was a reality check. I haven't talked with her but I do hope she works things out for her. I am moving on and working things out for my M.

 

meanwhile, you are still pining for this woman while you seem to have a devoted mother and a forgiving spouse who today, SEEMS to have given you the gift of reconciliation and YOU do not seem the least bit grateful or can even bring yourself to kiss her. Things are starting to get better. I am not thinking of AP every min. This forum has helped me to talk, listen and learn.

 

If you were one of my many brothers, I'd slap you!

Easy now.

[Snowflower]

I don't know what changed but she and I are far apart right now.

 

MMY, thank you so much for responding! I don't know about the right forum part but this is your thread so I think it's all good.

 

The reason I asked (and it wasn't to pry) was because my H has faced very much the same thing as you with regards to having a teenage daughter. He became very frustrated with her and her lack of respect. I think it partially led to a breakdown of how he felt about his family and marriage. This frustration led to him making some poor decisions. Can you relate?

 

As for your daughter, give her time. Some teenagers just really rebel. IMO, I think the more secure and loved they feel, the more some of them feel that they can act out--knowing that we'll always love them and be there for them.

 

It's funny, my H and I were talking about his/our (she drives me nuts too) daughter. My H has admitted to an ongoing MLC--see my earlier post in this thread. I mentioned that our daughter is having her crisis now--maybe she will get it out of her system and won't have one in 20 or 30 years, lol! Maybe it will be the same for your daughter.

 

As an aside, does your daughter know about your affair? If you are going to say no, I urge you to consider whether she suspects and just hasn't said anything. It could be part of the issue, who knows?

[Praying4Peace]

I'm sorry to jump in here but I think that all evidence points to her trying to divorce in the most civil way possible while sheltering her kids from the pain and uprooting of their lives.

 

I'm sure I'll get bashed for saying this, and it may be subconscious, but I believe some BS's get a real rise out of coming on here and trying to convince MM's that their MOW's are 'using them, smell fishy, lying' when all common sense would say that that isn't the case. It's kind of a redemption for them to make sure that no AP's get together and oftentimes it is blatant.

 

Yes, I'm referring to Spark's post. Sorry, Spark, I usually love your responses but this one reeks of vendetta.

 

MMY- don't be so manipulated by stranger's advice. If you ever go through a divorce yourself you will see how there may not be the time or emotional strength to talk to your AP or have her involved in your mess/drama/legal issues. Don't be so insecure to think she forgot you. Have you read these threads? MOW's who WANT to forget/erase feelings cannot do it. MOWs who have decided they want to R still can't stop the feelings. It doesn't go away easily like that. It does not and I think you know it inside. Do what you want with your M, but do not do it based on a false assumption that feels like good motivation. You'll regret it when you realize you were wrong.

 

This is the Other support board so I feel the need to speak. BS's come on here to give their advice, but unless you've been in a heavy EA/PA you have NO IDEA. Nope, you don't.

[MMY]

MMY, thank you so much for responding! I don't know about the right forum part but this is your thread so I think it's all good.

 

The reason I asked (and it wasn't to pry) was because my H has faced very much the same thing as you with regards to having a teenage daughter. He became very frustrated with her and her lack of respect. I think it partially led to a breakdown of how he felt about his family and marriage. This frustration led to him making some poor decisions. Can you relate? I hate to say it but it is a big part of my confusion. I feel like I have failed as a father and husband. I have wanted to have the type of relations with my daughter that most of my friends have. I keep saying things will change but it keeps getting worse. We are a middle income family but we have always given the kids most everything they need. It is completely the opposite with my son. He and I get along great. He is very respectful. I just don't know where to go with her.

 

As for your daughter, give her time. Some teenagers just really rebel. IMO, I think the more secure and loved they feel, the more some of them feel that they can act out--knowing that we'll always love them and be there for them.

 

It's funny, my H and I were talking about his/our (she drives me nuts too) daughter. My H has admitted to an ongoing MLC--see my earlier post in this thread. I mentioned that our daughter is having her crisis now--maybe she will get it out of her system and won't have one in 20 or 30 years, lol! Maybe it will be the same for your daughter.

 

As an aside, does your daughter know about your affair? If you are going to say no, I urge you to consider whether she suspects and just hasn't said anything. It could be part of the issue, who knows?

. I don't think so but it is a possibility. This is going to sound soooo bad but she baby sat for my AP. This is before the A and my AP knew about the problems my daughter and I were having and I used my AP to help me (I know, you don't have to tell me how wrong that is) to get a little better insight into me and my daughters problems. That being said, I really don't think she knew anything about it. Like I said, she and I haven't gotten along in 5 years or so and I had my A for 18 mths. I will be glad to answer anymore questions if it help. This forum is helping me a lot. So thanks for your input.

[wanting more]

I've read thru this thread (and if I missed it I apologize) but have you ever said you WANT to reconcile in this thread?

[MMY]

I've read thru this thread (and if I missed it I apologize) but have you ever said you WANT to reconcile in this thread?

I want to and I am moving forward. I have been to MC and it helped a lot but I have benefited from joining this forum.

 

I stared out with mixed emotions over my AP but with the comments and support from many I have been given a new lease on life in my mind. I can't say that I wont have days that I back slide and miss my AP but as long as I continue to learn and grow from this situation and My W and I continue to do the things that make us feel young again. It will all turn out fine.

 

Out of the blue I hugged her and told her thank you,,, she said for what .... I said being you.

[Pierre]

All from someone who has never had an affair.???

 

There are people who fall in love genuinely and some do not believe this, he/she refers to it as a bubble, something not real, and of course MLC, next it will be PTSD and narcism, we have heard them all. He /she is constantly on here talking people out of believing they could fall in love for real. Some people never get that connection with someone else then spend the rest of their life just settling.

 

You have have to love that bubble.

 

Men and woman working together often fall in love.

 

Narcissism is real and only non existent for those that have narcissistic traits.

 

 

Why Office Affairs Happen

 

Professional women often spend more hours at work than they do at home. Work becomes a “second family” of people who are familiar with your personality, past and problems. In turn, women get to observe men over time during stressful events such as deadlines and disappointments.

 

For example, a woman can assess a man’s recovery skills in taking risks, negotiating and being optimistic and resilient—all desirable qualities in a partner. Work can seem to provide a “road test” of what a man might be like as a partner, and this sense can provide a woman with an ability to trust the man.

 

Finally, working on an important or difficult project together breeds intimate feelings, fueled by the excitement of accomplishment and teamwork. Co-workers become seduced by the work intensity and experience a new closeness to a colleague. Shared uncertainty, risk and danger often make people bind to each other. For example, survivors of airplane crashes or robberies develop a special bond.

 

The danger, of course, is that some of these attachments blossom into affairs. Some of these affairs fizzle, others develop into love and others cause great disillusionment, and work and personal problems.

 

Women Mentoring - w2wlink.com - Why Office Affairs Occur and What to Do About Them

Edited June 26, 2013 by Pierre

[MMY]

I do think things happen for a reason. I do know if she had not broken off the relationship I would still be seeing her and I would prob be screwing up. I know our 18 mths together were out of this world, we both had so much in common and we both might have used each other for things we were not getting from our M. But we shared our love for one another. It might end up being a love of the escape but that is the think I am working on understanding. Like I said earlier, 2 months ago she went NC out of the blue and the only thing I had to understand why was the fact of her pending D and protecting the kids. I promise I understand that but I thought most of all we would be able to continue to help each other in troubled times like this. We called each other "Best Friends" and we would never leave each other with a bad goodbye.

 

I do deep down know that she had deep feelings for me and I think that I would have made the transition better if we would have sit down and talked. But in the end the NC may be the best thing.

Thanks for your post

[jlola]

 

Men and woman working together often fall in love.

 

Narcissism is real and only non existent for those that have narcissistic traits.

 

 

 

 

Women Mentoring - w2wlink.com - Why Office Affairs Occur and What to Do About Them

 

Good observation. Many people with personality disorders are usually the ones who do not believe it.

 

Being that 9% of the population is cluster B personality who are very prone to cheating and high on romance. That would mean if 50% of people are cheating there is an 18% chance they are dating a cluster B.

 

That does not even include bi-polar and depressed people who are also likely to cheat, or people who have narcissistic like "traits".

 

When I see the push-pull, validation,going back to spouse they claim to hate, the being a martyr syndrome. I see something very different than many. Pity is is the #1 ploy used by cluster b to get someone to stay in a relationship.

 

Also "hoovering" which I see post about often. But many are too afraid to undersand personality disorders are not what they think. They attract you with compliments,hiigh romance(love bombing),pity,victim play,future faking.

 

He's doing the Hoover Maneuver:

 

How to Recognize it and Move Forward

It occurs most often when a victim threatens to leave, or actually leaves, a relationship. The intent of the hoover is to get the victim back into the relationship. This behavior has its roots in the intense fear of being alone or being abandoned that is often at the very core of the abuser's sense of self.

 

It can also occur when the abuser has left the relationship, and is feeling frightened and alone. Since abusers know which ’buttons or triggers’ to push in their partners, and since victim’s are such dedicated and compassionate people, it is far too often successful.

 

Those with disorders use all kinds of behaviors to ’suck you back into’ the relationship. This can include through kindness, guilt, apologies, tears, threats of suicide, protestations of eternal love, the list is endless. For instance: "I’ve NEVER loved anyone the way I love you. No one has ever been as good to me as you are." etc. (Remember, the abuser knows all your vulnerabilities, and knows how to use them for their purposes and to meet their needs, not yours. It is always about them, and never about you. Except when it’s ’your fault’.)

 

 

During a typical hoovering your abuser reverts to the way they were when you were courting.

When the victim believes the hoover and re-enters the relationship, this is referred to as having "been hoovered" . It is important to note that the promises of change won’t last.

[wanting more]

I do think things happen for a reason. I do know if she had not broken off the relationship I would still be seeing her and I would prob be screwing up. I know our 18 mths together were out of this world, we both had so much in common and we both might have used each other for things we were not getting from our M. But we shared our love for one another. It might end up being a love of the escape but that is the think I am working on understanding. Like I said earlier, 2 months ago she went NC out of the blue and the only thing I had to understand why was the fact of her pending D and protecting the kids. I promise I understand that but I thought most of all we would be able to continue to help each other in troubled times like this. We called each other "Best Friends" and we would never leave each other with a bad goodbye.

 

I do deep down know that she had deep feelings for me and I think that I would have made the transition better if we would have sit down and talked. But in the end the NC may be the best thing.

Thanks for your post

 

This doesnt really sound like you want your M,, it sounds like your OW dumped you and you feel all you have left in your M

[MMY]

This doesnt really sound like you want your M,, it sounds like your OW dumped you and you feel all you have left in your M

Call it what you want. She ended the A, I had feelings for her, I have feelings for my W. I know I was wrong and I am working on being what I need to be at H. Things are getting better but I have good days and bad days.

In a way you are right. I only have my W and I am thankful I do.

If you have a mind eraser pill I can take and forget the last year and a half let me know. I think my AP will always be in my head from time to time and when all is said in done it will make me stronger.

[MMY]

No it won't make you stronger or your marriage.

What I meant by that is All the trials that me and my w have been going thought (I feel) will make us stronger in the long run. Not thinking of my AP.

FYI, I am a man so sometimes what is in my head and what comes out of my mouth or type don't come out the same.

[Praying4Peace]

No it won't make you stronger or your marriage.

 

Perhaps if she finalizes her D it will motivate him to also get a divorce if he's not happy with his M. No one wants to be married to someone who is in love with someone else. Yes, it was wrong and stupid and irresponsible and could have been avoided. Yes, he should have focused on his marriage and wife if he felt himself attracted to someone else. Agree with all of that.

 

But people on here have this Time Machine mentality and that's not realistc. Sometimes Humpty Dumpty is broken. I was very lucky in that my husband and I forgave each other but that didn't mean we had to stay married. You can be remorseful and still end the marriage.

 

I doubt that OP is getting over it. Hard to unring and bell or unknow what you know. And its doubly unfair to lead your spouse on and make them susceptible to their own affair. Why are there so many BS's turned MOWs? Human just need that connection, unless you can get it from a non romantic source and stay married.

 

Good luck to you MMY. I really feel for you. Empathy not sympathy.