Mixed Emotions

June 20, 2013

I joined this message board to see how other people have recovered and moved on from an affair.

My situation consisted of the following:

I am 45, married for 20 and had an EA/PA for the past 18 months. The affair ended after my wife found out. I saw my AP for a few weeks after my wife found out. We went to counseling and the AP move out with her 2 kids to live with her parents as she is in the process of getting a divorce.

AP and I talked everyday, fell very hard for one another. My home life was down to roommate's. I had told my wife that we needed more us time because she was sooo involved with the kids. My AP filled a void both physical and Emotional.

So, When my wife found out I felt and told her I was finished. She could see it in my eye's that I was finished. I knew I was going to divorce and move on with my life. My AP just up and stopped calling (cold turkey), I finally got her to txt and she said she had to concentrate on her kids as she goes through the divorce.

My wife wants us to work and is working hard to give us the attention we both need. My Mixed emotions come from my wife forgave me so quick and didn't get mad (upset) but never mad. We both have read His Needs Her Needs and it has helped a great deal. I do miss the excitement, conversations and the fun of my AP. Deep down I know she misses it to.

I don't know where I am going with this, just needed to post to get things off my chest. Please only reply with constructive comments. I understand my situation and only looking for those who have been there, done that and have the t-shirt.

Thanks

June 20, 2013

I know well about the mixed emotions. I've been dealing with the same.

Your AP said she needs time to focus on the kids, what with her divorce going on, correct?

I'm no expert (I'm new to this, too), but I'd say talk to her again. Have a detailed discussion on what you both want, once she's calmed things down on her side.

As for your wife? Well, I'd say it's time to do some soul-searching. You miss the connection with your AP, but you and your wife are re-connecting. Does the re-connection feel forced? Or do you genuinely want to try and fix things?

Only you know the answers to this; if you don't, you will, with time. So perhaps, while your AP is focusing on her current situation, you should make it known to her that you're doing the same. Be honest about how you're feeling. I encourage you to be honest with your wife as well, since she already knows about the affair.

Once you've discussed your dilemma with both of them, and get their input on the matter, decide from there what you want to do. Do you want to give up on your AP, and have an honest, faithful relationship with your wife, from here on out? Or if it doesn't work out, do you want to try for a relationship with the OW?

Make sure, above all, that you're honest with them, and yourself; this will make your decision smoother, overall. Not easy, by any stretch, but better than it would be, if anyone is left in the dark, only to be devastated later.

June 20, 2013

I joined this message board to see how other people have recovered and moved on from an affair.

My situation consisted of the following:

I am 45, married for 20 and had an EA/PA for the past 18 months. The affair ended after my wife found out. I saw my AP for a few weeks after my wife found out. We went to counseling and the AP move out with her 2 kids to live with her parents as she is in the process of getting a divorce.

AP and I talked everyday, fell very hard for one another. My home life was down to roommate's. I had told my wife that we needed more us time because she was sooo involved with the kids. My AP filled a void both physical and Emotional.

So, When my wife found out I felt and told her I was finished. She could see it in my eye's that I was finished. I knew I was going to divorce and move on with my life. My AP just up and stopped calling (cold turkey), I finally got her to txt and she said she had to concentrate on her kids as she goes through the divorce.

My wife wants us to work and is working hard to give us the attention we both need. My Mixed emotions come from my wife forgave me so quick and didn't get mad (upset) but never mad. We both have read His Needs Her Needs and it has helped a great deal. I do miss the excitement, conversations and the fun of my AP. Deep down I know she misses it to.

I don't know where I am going with this, just needed to post to get things off my chest. Please only reply with constructive comments. I understand my situation and only looking for those who have been there, done that and have the t-shirt.

Thanks

So let me get this right. As far as you were concerned, you were finished. To you, the marriage was over.......so what made you change your mind? Your wife's willingness to work on it or the fact that your AP vanished?

To be honest, there is no way you can focus on your marriage without your AP vanishing anyway. Whilst she is in the picture your wife really doesn't stand a chance and you won't be able to see your situation clearly whilst you are yearning for AP. I think you need a period of grieving before you can really work at your marriage.

I can't see having a conversation with AP is going to help at all. You can't see her as a fallback and neither should she. Like-wise neither should your wife be a fall-back because your AP has vanished.

You really need to give your marriage one last shot. And if it doesn't work and you decide to walk away it has got to be because the marriage isn't working, NOT because you have met someone else.

We have no idea what your AP is thinking. All I would say is judge her feelings for you via her actions, not her words.

Good luck and keep talking.

June 20, 2013

Been there, done that and have the Tshirt.

I first want to talk to you about your AP. Do you feel a bit abandoned and neglected because she is taking care of the kids? You can be honest. I think she's being very mature. There is only one post-D window of time to pay attention to the kids so they know what is happening during the D. There is plenty of time afterwards for a new relationship. How she acts with them now might determine how happily they adjust to things. I'm sure she misses you a lot...especially in such a difficult time.

About your wife. You say you feel moved by the fact that she forgives you. I think statistics say 90% of betrayed spouses forgive and try to reconcile. My exH wanted to work things out. He knew that I had an EA/PA. He knew I lied about it repeatedly for over a year. He found out at least 3-4 times that we were in contact and still wanted to work things out. Now that we are divorced we have had the opportunity to have some very frank discussions about all that happened at that time.

He told me: I was gutted and I had lost all my self esteem. I thought I was only worth something if you took me back, if you in the end chose me and not him. Even when I felt angry, I believed that *I* should have the choice to divorce you in the future if you didn't make it up to me. He also said he felt afraid to be alone and single after so long. Where would he live? Would he be okay with the kids alone on his days? That it was bad enough to be cheated on, but to be cheated on and then left was the ultimate slap in the face...how could he face people? In the end he said he held onto hope for the future as well as a strong need for self-preservation- his ego, his reputation, his needs. How dare I cheat on him and walk away? He also tried to block out the affair and instead focus on all the good times that we HAD had. But in the end, you can't rugsweep. When he tells me all this, I see that a lot of it was about him, not about me. It is said that 'love' is about fulfilling needs. Well, there are needs he had and I could fulfill them. His need to feel validated again and his ultimate fear that I would end up with my AP...he said he couldn't live with that jealousy. So a happy place for him would be with me. In my book, this is far from the only basis for a healthy marriage, but like you I did think "Wow, he must love me more than anyone if he'll take me back." If you google it, there are articles that claim that the emotions of jealousy mirror that of love. That's not to say that there's not love there, but oftentimes the jealousy holds things together until a couple can see if they can fix things.

Anyways, its tough. Just know that if you stay in your M or if you leave, both of you WILL be okay. If you asked me 6 months ago if I thought I could make it through the day, much less week, I would have said no. I'm in a better place now. I'm not afraid to be alone, though I have to admit I do miss my AP very badly at times. I'm just focusing on being a healthy and authentic person. My xH is also doing well. I'm sure there is a part of him that is sad, but he has hopes for something better in the future.

June 20, 2013

Let me try and answer some of the questions.

Do you feel a bit abandoned and neglected because she is taking care of the kids? Not because of the kids. I understand that she has 2 younger children and if she is going through the D she does need to focus on them. I do feel abandoned because of the "I Love you" and bam No communications at all. we never really thought we would end up together and we even talked about where we would be years from now. She said I would never marry her and nor would she want to ever remarry. We seen each other almost every other day for 18 months and emotionally I had check out of my marriage and invested my in my AP.. I had not felt that way or that alive in years but I also know that it was an escape for both of us and we didn't have life's day to day problems to deal with.

so what made you change your mind? Your wife's willingness to work on it or the fact that your AP vanished? When my wife found the purse I knew I was caught, I told her (in the beginning I wanted to talk) out of fear that she would call AP's H and she would possible loose her kids in D. But I deep down knew I needed to give my marriage another try. My wife and I don't fight or even argue that much. It is just the fact we lost that spark and I ended up stepping outside my marriage for which I had never done before. As for my AP vanished see above.

Does the re-connection feel forced? Or do you genuinely want to try and fix things? Both... sorry but both.... my wife has always wanted things to be smooth.... kids ok... everyone happy. In some way I was expecting her to tell me to pack my bags but I know she is trying to move us in a better direction. But in all honesty, I am 2 months removed from AP and I hope I as time goes that I can give my W the same undivided focus that we need. I am not trying to change my wife into something she isn't but I have told her that I would love for her to plan and evening... do something off the wall.. I am still waiting on that.

Thanks for everyone's input

June 21, 2013

Let me try and answer some of the questions.

Do you feel a bit abandoned and neglected because she is taking care of the kids? Not because of the kids. I understand that she has 2 younger children and if she is going through the D she does need to focus on them. I do feel abandoned because of the "I Love you" and bam No communications at all.

Similarly, my AP and I go through the same thing. We exchange the "I Love Yous" and then, we go months without using it. The hot and cold definitely does a number on you, emotionally. The worst part, I bet, is every time you think you're getting used to it, it happens again, and you feel as vulnerable as you did at the start. Am I right?

we never really thought we would end up together and we even talked about
where we would be years from now. She said I would never marry her and nor would
she want to ever remarry. We seen each other almost every other day for 18
months and emotionally I had check out of my marriage and invested my in my AP..
I had not felt that way or that alive in years but I also know that it was an
escape for both of us and we didn't have life's day to day problems to deal
with.

In a way, it's really sad. You both fulfilled something much needed for each other, but it couldn't go further. It's good that you're honest with yourself about all of this. Still, I'm sorry that it's been so rough for you.

Does the re-connection feel forced? Or do you genuinely want to try and fix things? Both... sorry but both.... my wife has always wanted things to be smooth.... kids ok... everyone happy. In some way I was expecting her to tell me to pack my bags but I know she is trying to move us in a better direction. But in all honesty, I am 2 months removed from AP and I hope I as time goes that I can give my W the same undivided focus that we need. I am not trying to change my wife into something she isn't but I have told her that I would love for her to plan and evening... do something off the wall.. I am still waiting on that.

Thanks for everyone's input

I can also understand that. There are a lot of complicated emotions at play; between what you felt for your AP, your dissatisfaction in your marriage, yet your desire to feel for your wife as you did your AP, it's only natural to feel a little lost.

I really hope things work out for you, in the way you need them to. Best of luck.

June 21, 2013

I joined this message board to see how other people have recovered and moved on from an affair.

My situation consisted of the following:

I am 45, married for 20 and had an EA/PA for the past 18 months. The affair ended after my wife found out. I saw my AP for a few weeks after my wife found out. We went to counseling and the AP move out with her 2 kids to live with her parents as she is in the process of getting a divorce.

AP and I talked everyday, fell very hard for one another. My home life was down to roommate's. I had told my wife that we needed more us time because she was sooo involved with the kids. My AP filled a void both physical and Emotional.

So, When my wife found out I felt and told her I was finished. She could see it in my eye's that I was finished. I knew I was going to divorce and move on with my life. My AP just up and stopped calling (cold turkey), I finally got her to txt and she said she had to concentrate on her kids as she goes through the divorce.

My wife wants us to work and is working hard to give us the attention we both need. My Mixed emotions come from my wife forgave me so quick and didn't get mad (upset) but never mad. We both have read His Needs Her Needs and it has helped a great deal. I do miss the excitement, conversations and the fun of my AP. Deep down I know she misses it to.

I don't know where I am going with this, just needed to post to get things off my chest. Please only reply with constructive comments. I understand my situation and only looking for those who have been there, done that and have the t-shirt.

Thanks

In the end, this is about what you want. If you believe you have something to salvage in your marriage then grieve the loss of you AP but focus on your wife. This is not easy and there is pain no matter what path you take. But this I believe - your relationship with your wife has nothing to do with your AP so you must reconcile or divorce ALONE - without your AP in the picture. It is not fair to either one of these women to be kept hanging. I applaud your AP for ending contact while she is ending her marriage - that is admirable really.

I have been there (still am actually in many ways). This is by far one of the hardest things you will ever do.

Ps - I saw you read "His Needs Her Needs". There is some great advice there, but I am not a complete fan of the MB way - it is extremely militant and I don't believe it really addresses the problems that lead to affairs in the first place for many of us who have been there. There is so much anger and hatred in that camp it is unbelievable.

I am thankful for this board - while I don't feel like everyone condones affairs, I believe there is a nice mix of people (both bs and ws) that truly are sympathize to both and really want to help.

Hang in there and keep posting.

June 21, 2013

The worst part, I bet, is every time you think you're getting used to it, it happens again, and you feel as vulnerable as you did at the start. Am I right?

She has only communicated back 1 time via phone and 2 txt. Last time we talked she was telling me how S#@$ was about to hit the fan with her H and that she had to focus on the kids. but before she hung up it shocked me when she said "I Love You".

I don't know if I fell in love with her or the fantasy or escape. I am the type that needs to talk and she had became my best friend, someone I could share my good and bad with. That I do miss. Anyway, thanks for the reply and I will try to keep posting. It is good to talk with people who have had the same issue.

June 21, 2013

I joined this message board to see how other people have recovered and moved on from an affair.

My situation consisted of the following:

I am 45, married for 20 and had an EA/PA for the past 18 months. The affair ended after my wife found out. I saw my AP for a few weeks after my wife found out. We went to counseling and the AP move out with her 2 kids to live with her parents as she is in the process of getting a divorce.

AP and I talked everyday, fell very hard for one another. My home life was down to roommate's. I had told my wife that we needed more us time because she was sooo involved with the kids. My AP filled a void both physical and Emotional.

So, When my wife found out I felt and told her I was finished. She could see it in my eye's that I was finished. I knew I was going to divorce and move on with my life. My AP just up and stopped calling (cold turkey), I finally got her to txt and she said she had to concentrate on her kids as she goes through the divorce.

My wife wants us to work and is working hard to give us the attention we both need. My Mixed emotions come from my wife forgave me so quick and didn't get mad (upset) but never mad. We both have read His Needs Her Needs and it has helped a great deal. I do miss the excitement, conversations and the fun of my AP. Deep down I know she misses it to.

I don't know where I am going with this, just needed to post to get things off my chest. Please only reply with constructive comments. I understand my situation and only looking for those who have been there, done that and have the t-shirt.

Thanks

You are in greater need of "emotional needs" than your wife.

You are 45, and at this age you wanted to feel that NEW romance once again. Welcomed to the MLC club.

You are in love with OW. At this stage you feel nothing for your wife and rightfully so. Your wife was not meeting your emotional needs of attention. Your wife is like a 20 year old car. Your OW is like a brand new sports car.

You had a stale boring marriage for which you are 50% responsible. However, your wife was OK because she has a much lesser need for external validation.

Divorce your wife and make a home with OW. What is stopping you?

Otherwise, go NC with OW and try to rekindle your marriage.

There are no easy solutions.

June 21, 2013

Wow, your story sounds a lot like my H and me.

Cliff's-notes version of my story: my H had a brief (5 month) 4+ years ago. He eventually confessed after months of acting weird. His reasons for his affair sounded a lot like yours such as losing the spark. Like you, he fully expected me to kick him out. I didn't file for divorce and wanted our marriage to work. I still loved him, probably like your wife loves you.

I see from your posts that the following which happened to me could potentially happen to you:

So, he stayed. He did completely quit the OW and focused on us. I believe that his A was less about the OW and more about how she made him feel: the attention, the freedom, was intoxicating. And MMY, you seem to be wondering this yourself.

We worked hard on our marriage. It wasn't easy but we were making it (I thought)/ Two years later, some other life changes happened to him/us and again, he questioned his commitment to me. Not an affair this time but other things (don't want to give too much info). He wanted time away from me but then eventually came around and we continued. We actually moved several states away during this time.

About a year later, another stressful event occurred in his life and again, he questioned his commitment to our marriage. We separated (more due to job opportunities than anything else). The separation didn't go well and we ended up back together.

With all this said, I think the best thing you can do for you, your wife and the OW is to separate from your wife and spend some time by yourself. Don't contact OW...she needs to sort things out and it sounds like she is doing this.

So. Separate from your wife. You have emotionally checked-out of your marriage and have been for some time. Avoid what happened to my H (and me) and give yourself a break. No matter what your wife says, or begs, or pleads, do this for both of you.

The big decisions can come after a period of separation when there is hopefully more clarity.

June 21, 2013

You are in greater need of "emotional needs" than your wife.

You are 45, and at this age you wanted to feel that NEW romance once again. Welcomed to the MLC club.

You are in love with OW. At this stage you feel nothing for your wife and rightfully so. Your wife was not meeting your emotional needs of attention. Your wife is like a 20 year old car. Your OW is like a brand new sports car.

You had a stale boring marriage for which you are 50% responsible. However, your wife was OK because she has a much lesser need for external validation.

Divorce your wife and make a home with OW. What is stopping you?

Otherwise, go NC with OW and try to rekindle your marriage.

There are no easy solutions.

Quoted again for truth! Great post.

June 21, 2013

So you're here asking OW or fOW how yo get over your AP. Are we surrogates for her, since she hasn't stayed there to hold your hand or your other appendices and help you get over her while you reconcile with your wife? Typical MM reaction, to want to use the OW until the bitter end. Her bitter end, because yours is magnificent.

The way to get over your A is exactly what you are doing. Braiwash yourself or get your wife and some counselor to do it that the A was a mistake, an escape and you weren't really interested in her, and since you are looking for your needs convince yourself that what you were looking for was her behavior hut coming from your wife. The wife wants to keep the marriage, puts up a show, trauma bonds people and infidelity is traumatic... what a success story.

That's how you get your happy ever after. Now do us a favor and leave your exAP alone. She's not only going through a divorce, she has to deal with the fact that you betrayed whatever lines you've fed her. She has no fallback of really wanting her husband and focusing on that.

June 21, 2013

Divorce your wife and make a home with OW. What is stopping you? Many things... All excuses but all reality, Kid's, money, small town, hurt, fear etc.

Otherwise, go NC with OW and try to rekindle your marriage. This is the direction I am going. I just think time will help.

As for your saying welcome to MLC, I do believe that. I never cheated before, had opportunities but never even acted on them. But once I crossed that line, I took on another personality, checked out emotionally at home, did all the things you read about a MLC, got in shape, started listening to music again, absolutely loved the fact that someone younger (6yrs) had an interest in me and that we had so much in common especially music.

That is the part that makes it difficult, I don't know if I am missing Her or the fact that we shared so much and seem to click. My other fear is that my wife settles back into the same old safe zone. The counselor says that we both need to find something new and that we will have to work at it.

Revolutionary Road, thanks for the insight. It is difficult for me to understand what AP is going through with the kids. again, I just wish she would have went about it a different way such as telling me that she needed to have time away as she was going through this. Maybe she did and I wasn't listening but one day we were enjoying pizza and a movie and then next day gone. That is where time will help.

Thanks again for all the comments and suggestions.

June 21, 2013

Divorce your wife and make a home with OW. What is stopping you? Many things... All excuses but all reality, Kid's, money, small town, hurt, fear etc.

Otherwise, go NC with OW and try to rekindle your marriage. This is the direction I am going. I just think time will help.

As for your saying welcome to MLC, I do believe that. I never cheated before, had opportunities but never even acted on them. But once I crossed that line, I took on another personality, checked out emotionally at home, did all the things you read about a MLC, got in shape, started listening to music again, absolutely loved the fact that someone younger (6yrs) had an interest in me and that we had so much in common especially music.

That is the part that makes it difficult, I don't know if I am missing Her or the fact that we shared so much and seem to click. My other fear is that my wife settles back into the same old safe zone. The counselor says that we both need to find something new and that we will have to work at it.

Revolutionary Road, thanks for the insight. It is difficult for me to understand what AP is going through with the kids. again, I just wish she would have went about it a different way such as telling me that she needed to have time away as she was going through this. Maybe she did and I wasn't listening but one day we were enjoying pizza and a movie and then next day gone. That is where time will help.

Thanks again for all the comments and suggestions.

It would be nice if all of us in MLC could have a younger woman on the side meeting all the needs we do not get in the marriage. The problem is that to get there we need to be deceitful. You have a good insight!

You could be in a stale marriage or the best marriage in the planet. But-----------if you spent a lot of time on a daily basis with a NEW young woman you could fall in love with her. This has nothing to do with the state of your marriage, this is just simple human mating 101. There is nothing magical about his. The workplace is a fertile place for affairs because it puts men and women together doing common tasks.

Once you start your affair you will magnify the negatives of your marriage and forget the good times. That is a normal human reaction. As for the OW you will magnify all her positives and become blind to the negatives. She is not necessarily a better woman than your wife, she is simply NEW to you. IN front of her you feel like an adolescent once again and life is good.

The choices are quite difficult and there are major risks if you leave your marriage. I will quote what most OW say:

"Do not leave the wife for me the OW. Leave the wife because your marriage was over before you met me". That seems to be a universal saying among OWs in the forum.

As for your wife: She seems like a level headed woman that understands MLC and wants to give the marriage a chance. It seems you are disappointed she was not more upset.

June 21, 2013

You may not think it MMY, but in my opinion, you're dealing quite well with this. Yes, you're dealing with emotional turmoil, but you're beginning to set your sights on the big picture.

I know, it's a scary situation. In mine, I'm the married woman, with a child, trying to get out of the marriage because like you, I feel I've emotionally checked out. I think I was starting to, even before the affair happened. I kept trying to make the relationship work, and stupidly, got married at a time when I already knew it wasn't going to last.

I imagine my AP sometimes felt (maybe still feels) as you do; you're waiting for OW, and as much as you're trying to be understanding of her situation with her kids, it's still hard on you.

I'm not sure if you already answered this, but, even if the OW wasn't around, would you still want the divorce? Maybe not as soon as you like, with your AP, but is it inevitable, do you feel?

I really wish you the best. I know how difficult it is. Like you, I never thought I'd cheat, either. But, you're right; once it happens, you have trouble not crossing the line, again. Even if that line is only crossed for that one person. Hang in there.

June 21, 2013

cutedragon - Now do us a favor and leave your exAP alone. She's not only going through a divorce, she has to deal with the fact that you betrayed whatever lines you've fed her.

I have left her alone. I just didn't get the up and no contact. I don't need you to hold my hand, just asking questions. I never went through and don't plan on going through this again. But thanks for your opinion. The lines went both ways. we both talked about things we would do in the future. Not marry but that was mutual.

Pierre - "Do not leave the wife for me the OW. Leave the wife because your marriage was over before you met me". That seems to be a universal saying among OWs in the forum.

True

Rebel-Dynasty - I'm not sure if you already answered this, but, even if the OW wasn't around, would you still want the divorce? Maybe not as soon as you like, with your AP, but is it inevitable, do you feel?

For a long time I kept myself busy. W and I had lost something so even if OW had not come into my life something had to change. No it isn't inevitable that we D but we will and are working on making things better. That doesn't mean that I don't have the mixed feelings because I do. As much as I would like to flip the switch I can't but it is getting better. I really didn't know where I was going with this when I posted but it does help to have people give advice who have dealt with this before. Thanks

June 21, 2013

The up and no contact has two sides:

1) You can only work on your M without her in the picture.

2) She has found herself in a place where you went from being done with your wife, and implied or said you wanted a future together on working on your M. That is devastating. Add a divorce on top of it. Why would she want to be in contact with you? What do you have to offerher through such a hard time? Nothing more than heartache. You'd just use the contact to wean yourself off, while she's having a really hard time.

When you want to know why somebody reacts in a certain way, try their shoes on, also called empathy. If you could do this, we wouldn't have to explain the basics to you.

Now that you understand why she went no contact, to preserve her dignity anger sanity, can you hop back to rebuilding your M? The infidelity board might be a better place for you, with more patting on the back and recommendations for finding the spark and getting your wife to plan a night.

June 21, 2013

cutedragon - Now do us a favor and leave your exAP alone. She's not only going through a divorce, she has to deal with the fact that you betrayed whatever lines you've fed her.
I have left her alone. I just didn't get the up and no contact. I don't need you to hold my hand, just asking questions. I never went through and don't plan on going through this again. But thanks for your opinion. The lines went both ways. we both talked about things we would do in the future. Not marry but that was mutual.

Pierre - "Do not leave the wife for me the OW. Leave the wife because your marriage was over before you met me". That seems to be a universal saying among OWs in the forum.

True

Rebel-Dynasty - I'm not sure if you already answered this, but, even if the OW wasn't around, would you still want the divorce? Maybe not as soon as you like, with your AP, but is it inevitable, do you feel?

For a long time I kept myself busy. W and I had lost something so even if OW had not come into my life something had to change. No it isn't inevitable that we D but we will and are working on making things better. That doesn't mean that I don't have the mixed feelings because I do. As much as I would like to flip the switch I can't but it is getting better. I really didn't know where I was going with this when I posted but it does help to have people give advice who have dealt with this before. Thanks

In the aftermath of ending your affair you should be grieving the loss of what you had with OW. It would be quite difficult to reconnect with your wife at this stage.

There are instances where the cheating spouse was simply eating cake and they go into panic when the betrayed spouse threatens to leave. In this instance there is something called hysterical bonding with the betrayed spouse, but I don't think this is the case with you.

Don't make any rush decisions. Allow at least a year of NC with OW and see what happens with your wife. Some men and women respond positively to whomever is meeting their emotional needs. In fact, I believe most spouses that stray are in search of their emotional needs and the AP is just a bystander that is there at the right time.

If you crave conversation and attention your wife should be able to easily do that for you. But, now is not the time. You need to grieve and go through withdrawal from the high of the affair.

If things do not progress positively in a year or two then you will be certain divorce is the answer.

June 21, 2013

Rebel-Dynasty - I'm not sure if you already answered this, but, even if the OW wasn't around, would you still want the divorce? Maybe not as soon as you like, with your AP, but is it inevitable, do you feel?

For a long time I kept myself busy. W and I had lost something so even if OW had not come into my life something had to change. No it isn't inevitable that we D but we will and are working on making things better. That doesn't mean that I don't have the mixed feelings because I do. As much as I would like to flip the switch I can't but it is getting better. I really didn't know where I was going with this when I posted but it does help to have people give advice who have dealt with this before. Thanks

I feel for you on this; I really do. On the emotional scale, I'm in the same boat. Before my AP, I was already unhappy; not because my husband had done anything wrong, at least nothing to constitute the affair. But, I felt something was missing; something I just couldn't seem to get back for my husband (despite his flame being strong for me). I'm set on wanting to leave my husband (as much for his benefit as mine), but like you, I am having mixed feelings about it. More because I don't know if it's financially possible, for quite awhile. Unless some other door opens, making it easier for me to leave on that note, I feel like I'm burdening my husband by staying...even though he wants me to stay, and even though the only reason is because financially, I can't just get up and go-especially with a child in the picture.

Trust me, hon. I'm as lost as you are. I just hope I, and everyone else, can help you through your own situation, whether we've sorted our own out, or not. Keep us posted.

June 21, 2013

Trust me, hon. I'm as lost as you are. I just hope I, and everyone else, can help you through your own situation, whether we've sorted our own out, or not. Keep us posted.

No need to be lost. The issue is rather simple. Folks that expect the other spouse to make them happy eventually become disappointed in the marriage. They use non-specific words like "something is missing". In reality it simply means my spouse is not making me happy.

The problem is that no one can make another person happy 24/7. That is an impossible task.

The married folks that never say "something is missing" are generally people that are very happy on their own and do need the spouse to make them happy.

And to make matters worse: Folks that are looking for external happiness often become so desperate that they end up with the wrong spouse or choose very poorly.

Edited June 21, 2013 by Pierre

June 21, 2013

I would suggest marriage counseling to figure out what's going on with your marriage and where to go from there.

You say you are like roommates and you miss the fun and excitement with your AP, but besides that, don't mention any other really significant marital issues.

I think it's only normal and human and the course of most relationships, that if you've been together for 20 years with kids, it can get into a routine that doesn't always feel romantic and exciting. It doesn't mean the marriage is over. You told your wife you needed more time as a couple and not parents....you guys should go to MC and work on that IMO.

Reality that some APs ignore is that: the A is new and hasn't withstood the test of time, so naturally, just like your marriage or R with your spouse was fun, exciting, romantic, gave you butterflies in the beginning....the A is new and will do the same. The A isn't full time...so that novelty feeling is extended. However, there is no guarantee that if you leave your spouse, only on the premise of excitement, that it will stay that way. In fact, logically, if you stay with your OW for the next 5/10/20 years with both your kids...it will fall into the same pattern. So in my mind, sometimes the grass is actually not greener, one is just being watered, and before you jump ship, you want to make sure you're doing it for REAL reasons which are irreconcilable, than on temporary excitement and romance with a new person, which will just as likely wane and taper off to a more routine life, just the same. It's up to the couple to keep the spark and be there through the lulls, not jump ship every time there is a lull.

June 21, 2013

cutedragon - The up and no contact has two sides:

1) You can only work on your M without her in the picture. I agree

2) She has found herself in a place where you went from being done with your wife, and implied or said you wanted a future together on working on your M. This is where you are missing some of the story. When we started seeing each other were both had our issues at home, we BOTH never knew where this was going and when my wife found out about the affair I was ready to leave and stepped in to protect her from my wife calling her husband. So yes, she was getting a divorce because of her situation not because of me. I was ready to leave my marriage because of the lack of marriage not to run off into the great unknown with her. That is devastating. Add a divorce on top of it. Why would she want to be in contact with you? What do you have to offerher through such a hard time? Nothing more than heartache. You'd just use the contact to wean yourself off, while she's having a really hard time.

When you want to know why somebody reacts in a certain way, try their shoes on, also called empathy. If you could do this, we wouldn't have to explain the basics to you. We both have our own shoes so that works both ways

Now that you understand why she went no contact, to preserve her dignity anger sanity, can you hop back to rebuilding your M? The infidelity board might be a better place for you, with more patting on the back and recommendations for finding the spark and getting your wife to plan a night. Thanks for your opinion but if you don't like my post or what I have to say than don't read. There are other boards you can troll

June 21, 2013

I would suggest marriage counseling to figure out what's going on with your marriage and where to go from there.

You say you are like roommates and you miss the fun and excitement with your AP, but besides that, don't mention any other really significant marital issues.

I think it's only normal and human and the course of most relationships, that if you've been together for 20 years with kids, it can get into a routine that doesn't always feel romantic and exciting. It doesn't mean the marriage is over. You told your wife you needed more time as a couple and not parents....you guys should go to MC and work on that IMO.

Reality that some APs ignore is that: the A is new and hasn't withstood the test of time, so naturally, just like your marriage or R with your spouse was fun, exciting, romantic, gave you butterflies in the beginning....the A is new and will do the same. The A isn't full time...so that novelty feeling is extended. However, there is no guarantee that if you leave your spouse, only on the premise of excitement, that it will stay that way. In fact, logically, if you stay with your OW for the next 5/10/20 years with both your kids...it will fall into the same pattern. So in my mind, sometimes the grass is actually not greener, one is just being watered, and before you jump ship, you want to make sure you're doing it for REAL reasons which are irreconcilable, than on temporary excitement and romance with a new person, which will just as likely wane and taper off to a more routine life, just the same. It's up to the couple to keep the spark and be there through the lulls, not jump ship every time there is a lull.

Thanks so much I do agree with what you had to say.

June 21, 2013

You are selfish and arrogant - at 900 posts and alnost a year on this board, how can you imply I am trolling? How unusual for your type of MM having an affair.

I'm usually spot on with my opinions, with very few information. I've been told this over and over. If I don't ask additional questions, it's because a) I don't need it b) I know OP will avoid to answer. You are one of those posters who picks and chooses what to address. You are hardly interested in a dialog. As I was saying you are here for some virtual comforting in place of the one that was taken from you in real life. You will also very likely disappear like most of the MM similar to you, never to be heard back from again.

To address your selfishness and lack of empathy, you'd really benefit from taking some time to reflect on how you go about life. You expect your wife to plan a night, bring on the fireworks, and offer you what you want. I know to you sex equals love, but the response to fix whatever led to the breakdown of your marriage is not that easy. It needs serious discussions on what happened and what the two of you want, and how to get it. You're only interested in the glitter. It needs to be easy and it needs to make you feel good. The rest, be it OW or wife, come second or third or whatever place, but you are definitely #1 in your world.

Don't worry...I'm done trolling your topic. It's just wasted energy.

June 21, 2013

No need to be lost. The issue is rather simple. Folks that expect the other spouse to make them happy eventually become disappointed in the marriage. They use non-specific words like "something is missing". In reality it simply means my spouse is not making me happy.

Aren't you kind of generalizing? I don't blame my lack of happiness on my husband; I know it's my responsibility. Remember, each situation is different.

The problem is that no one can make another person happy 24/7. That is an
impossible task.

Of course. We're supposed to work as a unit to achieve that goal, and not expect every moment to be magical. It's when the trying produces little to no results that it becomes an issue; and not in the sense of "he/she isn't making me happy" but in the sense of, "perhaps nothing will improve the relationship". Of course, an affair doesn't subtract the problem; it adds to it. I know this, IME.

The married folks that never say "something is missing" are generally people
that are very happy on their own and do need the spouse to make them happy.

As in they derive happiness just from being together, but not from expectations? Or did you mean they don't need one another in order to be happy?

And to make matters worse: Folks that are looking for external happiness often become so desperate that they end up with the wrong spouse or choose very poorly.

I'm of the mind that my husband was the right person to be with-at the start. I believe we ceased to be right for one another a long time ago, but we were determined to try and make it work. That's not where we went wrong. In fact, "we" didn't. I did, when I entered an affair, instead of accepting my situation with my husband for what it is, and ending it. I should have ended it, before entering into an affair. Sadly, time travel has yet to be figured out.

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