miss_jaclynrae Posted June 20, 2013 Posted June 20, 2013 Absolutely. Example from the other day- I was driving and we were chatting in the car. There was a moment's lull in the conversation. I'm focused on making my next turn, traffic, or whatever. 15 seconds after I stopped talking he's- you got quiet over there, what's wrong, is everything ok... It's not that he wants to understand and communicate with me, that's wonderful...it's that he wants it every second of every day. I find it smothering. Sounds like the snooping is the straw that broke the camels back.
Author dollyllama Posted June 20, 2013 Author Posted June 20, 2013 You know he has these issues with the prior cheating. Especially with facebook some people have rules such as sharing profile info and allow each other to see each others facebook. The way around this is to inform him of the people you know and who you are communicating with...especially if its someone of the opposite sex. Even if you feel nothing will happen...at least let him know of their existance...He would do the same with you. The first time him looking at email/facebook was something that just happened. the fact he did this and told you without you finding out should mean something. You know...I'm totally okay with a long term love knowing who I talk to, see my facebook, etc. That's the way it was before the snooping. Everything was out there. I trusted him and I thought he trusted me. I was open with my feelings and concerns, and we talked about any and everything. I didn't particularly care if I saw him looking over my shoulder as I typed a text or email. Didn't care if he looked at my FB newsfeed. I always mentioned how I knew the friends I talked to. There was transparency there. It's when he deliberately poked in my stuff, looking for mentions of himself or our relationship. When he said he was so tempted to look in my phone to circumvent my password changes (FB and email are synced on my phone), but he was resisting. When he said he'd never do it again, he didn't want to see that look of hurt in my eyes ever again. When he said that wasn't the kind of man he wanted to be. And then he did it again. And again. I learned in my former marriage to give more value to what people DO rather than what they SAY. I don't believe he had any dark intentions, but this seems like something he can't control. The journal was really the worst and I am having a hard time with opening up to him now as a result. His snooping created what he was trying to guard against- my walls. My journal has some therapeutic exercises in it, very personal stuff that has nothing to do with the relationship, and it is so important for me to have that private space to work out some of my issues in conjunction with therapy. Those words are not meant to be scrutinized by a second pair of eyes, or the purpose of keeping that journal in the first place is lost. Now instead of focusing on working through those grief issues and other stuff from childhood, I am censoring my journal entries, fanatical about logging out of my accounts, clearing my innocuous internet history in the event he jumps to some conclusion because I looked at a job listing 30 minutes away. Etc.
Author dollyllama Posted June 20, 2013 Author Posted June 20, 2013 Persistent?! No, it shouldn't be a dealbreaker because you should already have dumped him after the first time. If it was fine the first time, and the second time, and the third time, you might as well just continue to accept it as you have up until this point. (I just re-read that and thought I should point out that I'm not being sarcastic.) I gotcha. Yeah...the first time I gave him a pass because he volunteered the information. (Well, he read something he didn't like about himself...I think I said he was a bit needy.) I have snooped in the distant past with my ex and understand that compulsion if you have suspicions of infidelity or drug use, something like that. It's definitely not okay with me and I don't accept the behavior...I think I best focus on finding work, moving out. I don't know if I want to keep dating him. Maybe if we BOTH work with therapists for our individual issues. Welp, better clear my cookies.
KatZee Posted June 20, 2013 Posted June 20, 2013 Honestly, it doesn't matter how long you've been with someone, everyone is entitled to their own privacy. Being transparent is one thing, but when your partner is continuing to go out of their way to go through your things, dig for password information, read private journals, that's crossing the line. If someone I'm dating is curious about anything, they can ask me. But snooping behind my back, being sneaky about it, and treating me as if I have something to hide is completely unacceptable. I personally really value my privacy. I write as well and I would be devastated if my significant other went through my private thoughts. That's a breach of trust to me, and would show that my partner did not respect my privacy and lacked boundaries. I don't want to have to be in a relationship where I have to clear my internet history and cookies, change passwords every few months, or have to hide my property for fear of it being spied upon. I personally wouldn't be able to tolerate it at all. I had an ex boyfriend in college and he came to me one day saying he had gone into my dorm room and went into my drawers looking for something to borrow. Even THAT lack of boundary set me off. If you want something ASK. If you want to know something ASK. Don't take it upon yourself to put your hands on my things, dig through my stuff, and take/look at whatever you feel you're "entitled" to look at. He's not entitled to view your email, or your facebook or anything else you have open. It's not HIS property! 1
jphcbpa Posted June 20, 2013 Posted June 20, 2013 This is workable. The worst thing you can do right now is shut down and hide, clear history, not write frankly in your journal. communicate with him.
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