dollyllama Posted June 20, 2013 Posted June 20, 2013 In the 9 months we've been together, I've caught my boyfriend (30) snooping on me (35) 3 times. The first time, he confessed he looked in my Facebook messages. I kept myself logged into my FB account on my computer...he used my computer to check his FB and instead of logging me out, went through my messages. This first time, he confessed later that night (or else I wouldn't have known). He felt bad (read a message about him between me and a close female friend) and knew he shouldn't have done it. I was hurt, but forgave him, he made a simple human mistake. The second time I caught him, I noticed on my internet history he had logged into my email, read a few messages, searched for his name...and tried to get in my FB again, but couldn't because I had changed the password. I confronted him about it. Again, he apologized and seemed truly remorseful. The third time was last week. I got up from a nap and went in the living room to find him leafing through my very private journal. He said he wanted to know what I was really thinking. I told him this is a huge deal to me (my parents snooped on me growing up, and I divorced a snooping, controlling man a couple of years ago) and if it happens a 4th time, I will end the relationship. This snooping has really affected my feelings for him. Now I feel like I have to be guarded. I have nothing to hide, would never cheat. I told him all he has to do is talk to me if he has questions or fears. 3 times now...I'm having a hard time believing it won't happen again. Hard time believing his apologies. There has been abuse and control in my past, and I am really trying to watch for red flags this time around. This is certainly a big one for me. Do you think persistent snooping is a dealbreaker?
MidwestUSA Posted June 20, 2013 Posted June 20, 2013 Yes. He's not going to stop, no matter how "sorry" he may try to appear to be. Ugh, I'd be gone already. Your private journal? Unacceptable.
crederer Posted June 20, 2013 Posted June 20, 2013 Its all contextual. If you gave him reason to, then no. If you haven't given a reason for him to, and he hasn't found anything, then yeah, he just plain has trust issues. But in his experiences snooping your stuff, has he found suspicious info? 1
Author dollyllama Posted June 20, 2013 Author Posted June 20, 2013 But in his experiences snooping your stuff, has he found suspicious info? Never. Or nothing he didn't know anyway from previous conversations with me.
miss_jaclynrae Posted June 20, 2013 Posted June 20, 2013 I've snooped twice, ultimately it is his problem NOT yours. My man didn't dump me, just told me straight up that I should knock that **** off. Lol I haven't snooped since. It's curiosity for me more than anything, I found stuff I didn't want to see too. Not his problem though, since I only brought the distraught on myself. I would say end it if he keeps making his problem YOU problem. Unless of course he finds something that you are currently doing wrong.
miss_jaclynrae Posted June 20, 2013 Posted June 20, 2013 I missed the part about the journal... I would say unless you want to end it (which you have grounds for) keep what you don't want read hidden. Otherwise end it.
Author dollyllama Posted June 20, 2013 Author Posted June 20, 2013 Ack! Homeland Security!! I know he has trust issues. His ex wife was an addict, serial cheater and he snooped through her stuff too. This is why I felt I could forgive him the 1st time it happened. I understand that fear, that impulse to gather more information. It's not cool, but I get it. I've been willing to work on this with him- I'm pretty transparent, let him know where I am, etc., and (used to) keep all my passwords saved on online accounts. Not anymore. The journal was a big one for me. I've written stuff in there he has no business reading. I'm in therapy and working through some childhood abuse issues and really need that safe place to process my thoughts.
Author dollyllama Posted June 20, 2013 Author Posted June 20, 2013 I missed the part about the journal... I would say unless you want to end it (which you have grounds for) keep what you don't want read hidden. Otherwise end it. Heard. My therapist pointed out...if I hide my journal, I won't give him the opportunity to snoop again...and therefore won't know if he's still snooping. So, I keep it out for now...if he sees something upsetting, then he earned it. 1
NoMoreJerks Posted June 20, 2013 Posted June 20, 2013 I don't mind if someone snoops on me. I have nothing to hide. The only time I would mind it is if I actually had something to hide. And yeah, I'd say, if he has reasons to suspect something, or his instincts are sounding an alarm bell, then I wouldn't say it's wrong. We all gotta do what we gotta do to protect ourselves from getting hurt. I snooped on my ex, and found pics of a woman naked in his bed. He got mad at me for snooping on him, then made the whole problem about that, rather than his cheating... Will I stop snooping on future partners if I suspect something odd is going on? Nope. I am glad I found what I found. "Glad" in the sense that I am no longer being cheated on, because I ended things. Not glad that I had to see what I saw... It was pretty traumatic.
jphcbpa Posted June 20, 2013 Posted June 20, 2013 These are his issues. If you love him, try to work with him on it. Have an open policy on passwords/phones/ect if necessary. What does he need to feel comfortable? Now a personal journal, you may want to put away. He has some trust issues that he needs to work on. Is he seeing a therapist?
jphcbpa Posted June 20, 2013 Posted June 20, 2013 he's wise given how much women lie People lie and cheat across the board regardless. He is being unfair by assuming she is his ex (behaviors would be the same)
Star Gazer Posted June 20, 2013 Posted June 20, 2013 While he was deployed, Soldier Boy attempted to break into my email by answering my security questions (I use fake answers, so no one, even those who know me inside and out, could ever answer them), and I was alerted to it via text (my email account alerts you to this). I just *knew* it was him, and I called him on it. He swore up down left and right that he didn't, but in the following weeks, he'd mention things or ask me questions about things he could have ONLY known by reading my email. I accepted it because he was deployed, and living through his own host of insecurities being so far away from me, etc., etc. However, I see now that it was a symptom of a much bigger problem with him that wasn't going to be cured. If I'm ever in that situation again, it will be the end of the relationship. I certainly wouldn't ever let it happen three times. You know what they say, fool me once, shame on you...
Author dollyllama Posted June 20, 2013 Author Posted June 20, 2013 These are his issues. If you love him, try to work with him on it. Have an open policy on passwords/phones/ect if necessary. What does he need to feel comfortable? Now a personal journal, you may want to put away. He has some trust issues that he needs to work on. Is he seeing a therapist? No, he's not. We did have an open policy on the computer until he deliberately started fishing around my accounts for his name. What does he need to feel comfortable? I'm not sure. As it is, he knows where I am every second of the day. We spend the vast majority of our free time together. I do not have any heterosexual male friends. There are no secret, whispered phone calls or texting. I honestly thought after the first time he didn't find anything, his insecurities would go away a little bit at least. There are some other issues- he nags, is codependent, always questioning me, what am I thinking, what's wrong, what's that face for, etc. And the snooping just adds to my sense of being bombarded, overrun. Just curious what other people thought about snooping. It really bothers me.
Author dollyllama Posted June 20, 2013 Author Posted June 20, 2013 While he was deployed, Soldier Boy attempted to break into my email by answering my security questions (I use fake answers, so no one, even those who know me inside and out, could ever answer them), and I was alerted to it via text (my email account alerts you to this). I just *knew* it was him, and I called him on it. He swore up down left and right that he didn't, but in the following weeks, he'd mention things or ask me questions about things he could have ONLY known by reading my email. I accepted it because he was deployed, and living through his own host of insecurities being so far away from me, etc., etc. However, I see now that it was a symptom of a much bigger problem with him that wasn't going to be cured. If I'm ever in that situation again, it will be the end of the relationship. I certainly wouldn't ever let it happen three times. You know what they say, fool me once, shame on you... I hear you. I served in the military, and my BF is in too (no longer deploys) so like you, I understand the insecurities that kind of situation can churn up. (I also use fake answers to security questions! ) I think you're right- it's a symptom of a much larger issue. One that has nothing to do with me. One that I don't see him taking any steps to address. One that manifests in other ways, too. It's something to do with insecurity, trust, and control. 1
BeyondtheClouds Posted June 20, 2013 Posted June 20, 2013 If you two are exclusive, ie, you two are turning other people to date; then you two should be transparent by now. That is, it's ok to use each other's computer and phones and the windows are left open and you both know each other's user name and password. At this point in my life, I would not agree to see a guy exclusively without some on going proof that he is faithful. And he can have the same from me.
jphcbpa Posted June 20, 2013 Posted June 20, 2013 does he have abondonment issues? I highly recommend he see a therapist so he can get down to his real fear. the fear has nothing to do with you. you are just helping bring it out in him. this is good thing. tell him he needs to work on this with a professional or the relationship is over.
Star Gazer Posted June 20, 2013 Posted June 20, 2013 No, he's not. We did have an open policy on the computer until he deliberately started fishing around my accounts for his name. What does he need to feel comfortable? I'm not sure. As it is, he knows where I am every second of the day. We spend the vast majority of our free time together. I do not have any heterosexual male friends. There are no secret, whispered phone calls or texting. I honestly thought after the first time he didn't find anything, his insecurities would go away a little bit at least. There are some other issues- he nags, is codependent, always questioning me, what am I thinking, what's wrong, what's that face for, etc. And the snooping just adds to my sense of being bombarded, overrun. Just curious what other people thought about snooping. It really bothers me. Yeah, this isn't good. You used the word incessant in your OP. You're talking about three times that you know of. Isn't probably been a lot more. Two exes ago, I pretty much lived with my BF, and we had an open-door policy to our computers. Our laptops sat there in the living room, with all of our respective passwords saved on all sites/applications. It never occurred to me to get onto his comp and start poking around; same for him. With Soldier Boy, I actually found myself making a point of clearing my history and cookies and passwords before he'd come over, because I just knew he was going to poke around... when I realized what I was doing, I knew I was in trouble.
Feelin Frisky Posted June 20, 2013 Posted June 20, 2013 Can't blame you for feeling dissed. I would lose respect for someone snooping on me. It's up to you if it's to the level of deal-breaker though. I especially don't like the going into personal journals to "see how you think". It's long understood that diaries are private. If they are not written for your eyes, then don't freaking look. Simple as that.
Ami1uwant Posted June 20, 2013 Posted June 20, 2013 Ack! Homeland Security!! I know he has trust issues. His ex wife was an addict, serial cheater and he snooped through her stuff too. This is why I felt I could forgive him the 1st time it happened. I understand that fear, that impulse to gather more information. It's not cool, but I get it. I've been willing to work on this with him- I'm pretty transparent, let him know where I am, etc., and (used to) keep all my passwords saved on online accounts. Not anymore. The journal was a big one for me. I've written stuff in there he has no business reading. I'm in therapy and working through some childhood abuse issues and really need that safe place to process my thoughts. You know he has these issues with the prior cheating. Especially with facebook some people have rules such as sharing profile info and allow each other to see each others facebook. The way around this is to inform him of the people you know and who you are communicating with...especially if its someone of the opposite sex. Even if you feel nothing will happen...at least let him know of their existance...He would do the same with you. The first time him looking at email/facebook was something that just happened. the fact he did this and told you without you finding out should mean something.
clia Posted June 20, 2013 Posted June 20, 2013 I really value my privacy, so I would be extremely upset if my boyfriend was going through Facebook messages, e-mails, etc. I don't have anything at all to hide, but it is such an insecure thing to do. For me, something like that could definitely be a dealbreaker.
Ami1uwant Posted June 20, 2013 Posted June 20, 2013 There are some other issues- he nags, is codependent, always questioning me, what am I thinking, what's wrong, what's that face for, etc. He uis trying to communicate with you and understand you. You seem like you arent sharing stuff with him. I wonder how much open dialog on feelings and the relationship do you two have? Do you say I love you to himn? Do you do other gestures that show your love? Do you talk to him about stuff and really open up?
Author dollyllama Posted June 20, 2013 Author Posted June 20, 2013 He uis trying to communicate with you and understand you. You seem like you arent sharing stuff with him. I wonder how much open dialog on feelings and the relationship do you two have? Do you say I love you to himn? Do you do other gestures that show your love? Do you talk to him about stuff and really open up? Absolutely. Example from the other day- I was driving and we were chatting in the car. There was a moment's lull in the conversation. I'm focused on making my next turn, traffic, or whatever. 15 seconds after I stopped talking he's- you got quiet over there, what's wrong, is everything ok... It's not that he wants to understand and communicate with me, that's wonderful...it's that he wants it every second of every day. I find it smothering.
Author dollyllama Posted June 20, 2013 Author Posted June 20, 2013 if that was your childhood. and you keep dating those men, maybe you need to stop dating. maybe you keep falling in that same pattern because you date men that like to snoop. maybe you attract them also unintentionally stop dating work on your issues. That's a great point and I am working on my issues. I seem to have a taste for, not necessarily snoopers, but controllers. This is why I am taking the snooping seriously instead of diving into denial like I used to do!
sillyanswer Posted June 20, 2013 Posted June 20, 2013 Do you think persistent snooping is a dealbreaker? Persistent?! No, it shouldn't be a dealbreaker because you should already have dumped him after the first time. If it was fine the first time, and the second time, and the third time, you might as well just continue to accept it as you have up until this point. (I just re-read that and thought I should point out that I'm not being sarcastic.)
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