He said he doesn't love me anymore... with no explanation why?

[paper-roses]

Dear loveshack,

Thank you in advance to any replies to this, I really appreciate any advice.

 

I was in a relationship with a guy for a year and a half.

Prior, we were close and became best friends over the course of a year and a half (Basically, it's been a 3-year journey).

We are part of a circle of friends that includes family members, and in the past 3 years our families have grown close and we part of a tight community and even all go to the same church every Sunday.

 

When he left me, I was absolutely devastated...

We had never fought throughout our entire time of knowing each other. He's a bit shy/quiet/soft-spoken but I always was open with him and encouraged him to be honest with me.

We started growing a bit distant, but I thought it was just because we had gotten over our honeymoon phase. I started to feel invisible to him and it hurt me so much I had a small breakdown (my first ever, and it wasn't too dramatic, I like to stay as rational as I can most of the time).

I told him I loved him but was a feeling a bit unloved at the moment and maybe I was overreacting, so we took a few days break to think.

When we met up, I was feeling ready to have a proper talk to try and fix our problems, and apologize for anything I had done to hurt him and ask how I could do my part in fixing whatever problems we had.

 

... But then, he told me he didn't love me anymore.

He couldn't tell me why, and he said he didn't see any point in working it out.

 

Since then, it's been 7-8 months, and he hasn't called, messaged, asked how I am, and only says hi politely when I see him.

 

I'm so hurt because I thought he was the love of my life. I can understand couples who break up after constantly bringing up the same problems, but why would he leave me before even giving us ONE chance?

To at least figure out our problems, define them, try to work things out and then make a decision then?

I feel like he doesn't care about me, I wonder if he ever truly loved me or if I have been blind this whole time.

None of our friends or family saw this coming and everyone is was just as shocked and devastated as me. I thought I would marry him.

 

I'm finding it so hard to move on because I don't know why.

I feel like, every couple goes through ups and downs, and it doesn't seem like enough of a reason to leave someone just because the spark dies...

I thought true love was about transcending emotions and butterflies and moving to a mature sense of caring about someone elses happiness, unless deep-seated values are compromised.

 

I'm driving myself crazy wondering what I did wrong, or what he did wrong, or if we both just weren't meant for each other.

But our love felt so strong, and he told me he loved me all the time.

It just doesn't make sense to me and I can't believe it's all for nothing...

 

I'm so depressed. Please help me.

[eachcomingnight]

Hi --

Something very similar happened to me. A year and a half relationship also, no problems, had eventually come to believe that this might be "the one" for me. He wasn't able to fully articulate why he felt it wasn't right anymore.

 

I have had to just accept that "it is what it is" and there is nothing that I can do to change his mind or to even understand his decision. I suspect that he wasn't ready for a mature relationship minus that honeymoon "spark" and so when it moved past that phase he panicked and thought his feelings were gone. But honestly, at the end of the day, the reason doesn't matter - it's the decision that matters, and he has made his decision. I realized that I could let this ruin me or I could decide to do my best to just live with it and focus on making myself happy again. The more you take care of yourself and work to let go of your hopes and concerns, the better your chance of moving forward and getting yourself ready to meet someone who will not leave you without putting up a fight.

 

I imagine it must be harder for you since your lives seem more intertwined (my ex lives in another country). I haven't seen him or even heard his voice since the break-up and this has been really helpful in my healing. Do you see him frequently? Is there any way that you can take steps so that you don't have to interact with him at all?

 

Keep hanging in there.

[paper-roses]

@eachcomingnight thank you for your reply.

Yes I see him every Sunday at church but we barely acknowledge each other unless we absolutely have to, and then it's just polite small talk.

I find comfort in knowing people like you have gone through the same thing and made it through and become stronger and better people...

I'm going to do my best to be strong and have hope.

I found another thread which helped me greatly and helped to explain things to me:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/251986-grass-greener-syndrome

Thanks again for your help... I wish you the best in your life and relationships

[s.a.i.n.t.]

Same thing 3 years she walks in and says im not feeling you, gone since.

[stillafool]

 

 

I'm driving myself crazy wondering what I did wrong, or what he did wrong, or if we both just weren't meant for each other.

But our love felt so strong, and he told me he loved me all the time.

It just doesn't make sense to me and I can't believe it's all for nothing...

 

I'm so depressed. Please help me.

 

 

Honey you haven't done anything wrong so stop blaming yourself. He just fell out of love with you or maybe he was never really sure. I'm so sorry you are hurt but thank God he told you the truth instead of leading you on when he knew there was no future for the two of you. You have to tell yourself he is not coming back and move on with your life. Has he started dating another girl yet? How old are you and how old is he?

[oldshirt]

I feel your pain and we've all been there/done that and it hurts.

 

I also understand you simply wanting to know why. That does seem like a reasonable request and that you have a right to know but here is the catch - you will not agree with or accept his rationale anyway and you will try to convince him of why he is wrong. You may also try to accomidate something that is silly and quirky in him and it just wont feel right to you and in a matter of weeks you will feel resentfull that you have to "change" for him and you will start to backslide.

 

The truth is that there is probably a 99.99% chance both of you are perfectly nice people and that neither one of you did anything wrong. You may have done everything 100% right and he still wasn't feeling the love.

 

Dating is an interview and tryout process where people get to know each other to determine if that person is someone you want to marry and raise a family with. People often interview and tryout several before they pick one.

 

The problem here is he was passing your interview and tryout but he wants to keep looking. That is very painfull and depressing but it is what it is.

 

There really isnt anything to be gained by finding out "why" because there is nothing to be gained from it and the trait that he didnt like may be the very thing that the real Mr Right loves about you most so there is no reason for you to change.

[oldshirt]

 

You may also try to accomidate something that is silly and quirky in him and it just wont feel right to you and in a matter of weeks you will feel resentfull that you have to "change" for him and you will start to backslide.

 

.

 

Also people really are very picky and superficial about some very silly things. People just like what they like and they tend to be drawn to other people that are innately like them and that like the same things.

 

In my own life I was dumped by my first real girlfriend because I drove a pick up truck and she liked nice, shining cars. I also worked out a lot and was lean and fit but she wanted a guy with even bigger biceps and delts. I could have bought a new car and started taking steroids but that wasnt who I am.

 

Then few years later I was very much in love with a younger gal that I thought was "the one" but she like older guys and party boys. I couldnt change my age and life is too short for me to spend in bars and clubs so she met and married and older guy that hangs out in bars all the time.

 

I am not immune from my own superficiality either. In my 20s I was dating a great gal for awhile and she was getting very serious but I started to lose interest and got the wandering eye. We have no fights or any offenses but she never painted her nails, tanned or swallowed.

 

Now here is where i want you to pay attention.

 

I could have "worked on things" and told her I could stay with her if she painted her toes, tanned and started swallowing but she would only be doing those things to keep from getting dumped. I wanted someone who innately WANTED to do those things and just naturaly did them.

 

It would've also been unfair to make her change and do things she didnt really care about just to accomidate some kinky quirk of mine. If I had told her I was losing interest in her because she didnt do those things she would have grudgingly complied for a few weeks but then in time the nails would have been faded and chipped, she would have gotten sunburned and pissed and her tanning coupon would've run out and I don't even want to talk about someone swallowing that's not into it. In time she would've gotten resentfull and things would've gone south any way.

 

In time I met and married someone who always has nice nails, likes to tan and likes to.....well you get the idea.

 

My ex probably met a man who likes natural nails, natural skin and doesnt care about oral sex that much. If she had tried to change her ways to accomidate me, she wouldnt have hit it off with him as much.

 

Moral of the story is just because someone isnt "the one" doesnt mean they did anything wrong or bad. And also that people want what they want and people need to find someone that loves and appreciates them for who they naturally are.

[athousandquestions]

I'm sure a lot of people can relate to wanting to know 'why' - but you need to accept that you will never know. There is no such thing as closure. Asking questions simply leads to more questions.

 

It sucks and it's difficult to accept, but it had nothing to do with you. You keep on keepin on and moving on. Keep your head up!

[paper-roses]

@stillafool: he hasn't started dating anyone yet, at least not to my knowledge. Or if he is dating, it isn't serious enough that I would hear about it from any of our mutual friends. We're both 21.

@oldshirt and @athousand questions, thank you for your advice.

I never really thought of it that way... that it was little things to do with personal taste that may have driven us apart.

I think I'm starting to realize that what mostly hurts is not necessarily the break-up but the fact that he did it so abruptly without discussion or warning that it felt like the relationship was meaningless.

But then I realized, even if he communicated properly and was kinder to me, it wouldn't have changed the main outcome anyway.

I'm also starting to realize that I'll never really be able to know what he's really thinking, and whether he truly cared for me or not.

I guess that's why people say not to judge because you never know...

I'm just going to do my best to be good and trust that the truth will unfold itself when the time is right.

It hurts like hell... but being here and seeing all the strong survivors gives me hope. Thank you