F.U.D Posted June 20, 2013 Posted June 20, 2013 See previous post for story but I need your help and guidance...Kinda had a mini DDAY, where MOW H asked me to stay away from her because of her son bonding with me and always asking for me. H was very jealous thinking I was taking on a dad role (which I was not). He too busy with everything else (partying, bars, etc) to pay them any attention. He was never around for his kid..so the kid bonds quickly with anyone who gives him time and attention. Im down cause I now cant be around her and her son effectively without H. Son is old enough to answer simple questions about if I have been around. I am so depressed and unsure of how things will go now, since MOW and can only text or call at certain times each day. But I guess I am doing what is right by staying away or avoiding them if he is not around....but the pain in my heart is unbearable right now...
Pierre Posted June 20, 2013 Posted June 20, 2013 See previous post for story but I need your help and guidance...Kinda had a mini DDAY, where MOW H asked me to stay away from her because of her son bonding with me and always asking for me. H was very jealous thinking I was taking on a dad role (which I was not). He too busy with everything else (partying, bars, etc) to pay them any attention. He was never around for his kid..so the kid bonds quickly with anyone who gives him time and attention. Im down cause I now cant be around her and her son effectively without H. Son is old enough to answer simple questions about if I have been around. I am so depressed and unsure of how things will go now, since MOW and can only text or call at certain times each day. But I guess I am doing what is right by staying away or avoiding them if he is not around....but the pain in my heart is unbearable right now... Why are you doing this to yourself? Why do you allow other people to have so much power over you? 1
LilGirlandOW Posted June 20, 2013 Posted June 20, 2013 awwe I feel your pain, we all need magic wands to make things better in our situations, today my MM texted me cause his daughter is invited to my daughters birthday party, he said his W told him to call me since we know eachother, then he proceeds to tell me about hos he reassured her we're just friends and see eachother in passing, that was a blow to my heart, in calls, texts and our time together I'm the love of his life, but yet he minimalizes me to her, and of course he does, but its f*cking tough. I dont understand how these MM and MW cant see they can have happy lives outside being with current W/H and still be with their children and such. 2
Author F.U.D Posted June 20, 2013 Author Posted June 20, 2013 Why are you doing this to yourself? Why do you allow other people to have so much power over you? What would you do if faced in this situation? Just need to hear different views. Thank you
Author F.U.D Posted June 20, 2013 Author Posted June 20, 2013 awwe I feel your pain, we all need magic wands to make things better in our situations, today my MM texted me cause his daughter is invited to my daughters birthday party, he said his W told him to call me since we know eachother, then he proceeds to tell me about hos he reassured her we're just friends and see eachother in passing, that was a blow to my heart, in calls, texts and our time together I'm the love of his life, but yet he minimalizes me to her, and of course he does, but its f*cking tough. I dont understand how these MM and MW cant see they can have happy lives outside being with current W/H and still be with their children and such. How would you handle this if you were me? Avoid and stay away as H asked or still "see" her by visiting them when they are together?
2sunny Posted June 20, 2013 Posted June 20, 2013 What would you do if faced in this situation? Just need to hear different views. Thank you Stay away! She's married and you don't belong in their marriage! 1
underwater2010 Posted June 20, 2013 Posted June 20, 2013 Quick question....you stated previously that you are helping each other through a divorce. Which of you or are both of you going through divorce?
threelaurels Posted June 20, 2013 Posted June 20, 2013 Are you aware that it is seriously detrimental to children to have them be exposed to and interact with a person's AP? Why are you even around her child in the first place? I cannot imagine any circumstance in which a good mother would bring her AP around her child. 1
Pierre Posted June 20, 2013 Posted June 20, 2013 What would you do if faced in this situation? Just need to hear different views. Thank you Date single women. Avoid the trauma and the humiliation of having this H tell you what to do. 2
Goodbye Posted June 20, 2013 Posted June 20, 2013 I can speak to your post from a few perspectives. I am a single mom of 3, and I do NOT like my exh's gf's around my kids. I just don't. We have a court agreement that neither of will introduce our kids to "significant others" unless it is very serious...as in engagement pending serious...and we will notify the other before doing so. I think having significant others around children is extremely confusing for children, even if you are pretending NOT to be the boyfriend. It just is NOT appropriate, no matter what you think of the parenting style of your Ex. If you truly want to be part of this child's life, divorce your wife, wait for your OW to divorce her H, and introduce yourself slowly. As a fOW, I never met my exMM's son...because of my stance. I never thought it was appropriate. I DID hurt like HELL when on his alleged D Day (I say alleged, because for all I know, he made it up) his wife told him she would NEVER allow me near their son. I don't blame her...I totally understand her emotion. But, I do pride myself on being a very dedicated mom, so it still stung. I get your pain over this. As far as not seeing her...that is how it goes. If you continue the affair, you will need to figure out how to do so without involving the kid. The BEST thing would be to go NC until you have both separated from your spouses. But...I understand the realities of life. Good luck. 1
Snowflower Posted June 20, 2013 Posted June 20, 2013 I can speak to your post from a few perspectives. I am a single mom of 3, and I do NOT like my exh's gf's around my kids. I just don't. We have a court agreement that neither of will introduce our kids to "significant others" unless it is very serious...as in engagement pending serious...and we will notify the other before doing so. I think having significant others around children is extremely confusing for children, even if you are pretending NOT to be the boyfriend. It just is NOT appropriate, no matter what you think of the parenting style of your Ex. If you truly want to be part of this child's life, divorce your wife, wait for your OW to divorce her H, and introduce yourself slowly. As a fOW, I never met my exMM's son...because of my stance. I never thought it was appropriate. I DID hurt like HELL when on his alleged D Day (I say alleged, because for all I know, he made it up) his wife told him she would NEVER allow me near their son. I don't blame her...I totally understand her emotion. But, I do pride myself on being a very dedicated mom, so it still stung. I get your pain over this. . I agree with this 100%. Great post! F.U.D. your situation is confusing to me. You are friends with her H as well? You were all friends (you, your wife, the mOW, her husband)? It seems like too much drama. Stay away from her child. He has a father already. Do you have children? If so, please concentrate on them (I'm not saying that you're not) and leave mOW's family alone. 1
Author F.U.D Posted June 20, 2013 Author Posted June 20, 2013 I agree with this 100%. Great post! F.U.D. your situation is confusing to me. You are friends with her H as well? You were all friends (you, your wife, the mOW, her husband)? It seems like too much drama. Stay away from her child. He has a father already. Do you have children? If so, please concentrate on them (I'm not saying that you're not) and leave mOW's family alone. First part yes..second part is that I am not trying to be with her son. Her son is there when we are together sometimes so I naturally try to give him attention, like anyone would out in public. So what I am hearing is that it is now in her court to decide if/how we can proceed under this new rule. My hands are tied and she has to decided how we can still have time together.
2sunny Posted June 20, 2013 Posted June 20, 2013 First part yes..second part is that I am not trying to be with her son. Her son is there when we are together sometimes so I naturally try to give him attention, like anyone would out in public. So what I am hearing is that it is now in her court to decide if/how we can proceed under this new rule. My hands are tied and she has to decided how we can still have time together. No! You decide for yourself! You're a grown man - act like one! Stop meeting her - you're harming her M and a child by being involved on ANY level!
Author F.U.D Posted June 20, 2013 Author Posted June 20, 2013 No! You decide for yourself! You're a grown man - act like one! Stop meeting her - you're harming her M and a child by being involved on ANY level! First, she WANTS me to still be around even with her H there. Second, I can't been near without him there so there is nothing I can do except let her control the destiny of our relationship. She does not want her M and is trying to get out.
underwater2010 Posted June 20, 2013 Posted June 20, 2013 So from what I am seeing you are still married. Right?
Pierre Posted June 20, 2013 Posted June 20, 2013 Why is the MOW taking the son with her when she is dating the OP? That is a bit strange and may emasculate the son. The dad may have a point.
Goodbye Posted June 20, 2013 Posted June 20, 2013 Definitely good judgement on the mom's part. I hope she isn't asking her son to keep secrets. That is a very bad idea.
Author F.U.D Posted June 20, 2013 Author Posted June 20, 2013 So from what I am seeing you are still married. Right? I am getting out as well. Already in progress
HonestNeurotic Posted June 20, 2013 Posted June 20, 2013 See previous post for story but I need your help and guidance...Kinda had a mini DDAY, where MOW H asked me to stay away from her because of her son bonding with me and always asking for me. H was very jealous thinking I was taking on a dad role (which I was not). He too busy with everything else (partying, bars, etc) to pay them any attention. He was never around for his kid..so the kid bonds quickly with anyone who gives him time and attention. Im down cause I now cant be around her and her son effectively without H. Son is old enough to answer simple questions about if I have been around. I am so depressed and unsure of how things will go now, since MOW and can only text or call at certain times each day. But I guess I am doing what is right by staying away or avoiding them if he is not around....but the pain in my heart is unbearable right now... I'm worried for the little boy. From your previous threads - she's in an abusive situation. Our next door neighbors have a four year old. It's the wives second marriage, and there are two teenage boys. Her husband, the father of this little boy, has alcohol issues and is unemployed MOST of the time. She works. He's unsupervised. The dude is all "this is MY son" but yet no one watches him. Four years old - riding his bike - no one is watching him. Drapes are shut - so no one is watching through the window even. It's a dead end street at the river - so little traffic. But what if he decides to take a swim? The little dude comes over and knocks on my door, and asks if my husband can come out to play with him. How very sad is that? There really aren't any other kids in this neighborhood. His age anyways. So we kinda let him walk with us and our dogs on walks. We might take him to a children's amusement park this summer. I say this because although affairs and the effects on children are not usually POSITIVE - when the child has a bad father figure, or no real father figure, I'm not all that sure that one can say that the AP is a bad influence. If her husband is as abusive as you've described - she needs to just make the exit. NOW. There is no "right" time. Why prolong the agony? Why subject her children to that? She's not protecting her children. Does she want a son that grows up to be like his dad? Normally - I'm all for staying out of AP's children's lives. This may be an exception. However, there is NO EXCUSE for staying in an abusive situation. Yes, it's scary to extricate oneself, but it's better to live poor, move back in with one's parents and deal with protection orders than to continue the status quo. That's not going to make for healthy future people. IMHO ~ as always
2sunny Posted June 20, 2013 Posted June 20, 2013 You keep justifying your bad behavior - you will keep getting this crappy situation you've got now. And you're married too? Sheez dude - you need to seriously check yourself.
threelaurels Posted June 20, 2013 Posted June 20, 2013 I say this because although affairs and the effects on children are not usually POSITIVE - when the child has a bad father figure, or no real father figure, I'm not all that sure that one can say that the AP is a bad influence. I see what you are trying to say, but I can't agree. An abusive husband is likely to become physically violent with his wife if he discovers the affair. Finding out that the other man has been 'playing house' with his wife and kids is only going to increase his rage tenfold. He won't be able to handle the loss of control, the betrayal, or the emasculation and will respond with extreme violence. He will kill or seriously injure her. I can't imagine a worse situation for a child to go through. Having an affair while in an abusive relationship is taking a gamble on one's life. If the pain an affair causes can drive normal, healthy people to violence, one can only imagine how it will play out with someone who is already inclined towards violence. 1
underwater2010 Posted June 20, 2013 Posted June 20, 2013 Ok so you both are in the middle of separation/divorce. I suggest you both focus on the relationships that are ending before diving head first into this one. And yes her kids should be off limits for the time being. Their world is being turned upside down right now. And if your relationship with her does not work out, it will just be another heart ache for them in a short period of time. Without being able to look back further at the situation, I am guessing the relationship began before you either one started to divorce (exit affair). And you both were probably discovered. That would be the only reason I see for MOW's soon to be ex husband to be so pissed about you being around. And if that is the case...I would be to.
underwater2010 Posted June 20, 2013 Posted June 20, 2013 Oh and looking back you did the double betrayal by allowing him to vent as a "friend". You let that illusion blind him to your true motives. He is absolutely justified in being pissed off at you.
HopingAgain Posted June 21, 2013 Posted June 21, 2013 For everyones safety, you NEED to step back. Now that her husband is aware something is up he WILL hurt you, his wife, his kids, and possibly even YOUR wife and kids if he blows up. Do you.not care about the safety of the innocent kids here? It goes without saying you are willing to risk your safety and OWs along with your wife, but for the kids sake...stop it now. I am speaking from experience here and will not.elaborate but to say there was violence. This is nothing to play with. 1
Goodbye Posted June 21, 2013 Posted June 21, 2013 Ok so you both are in the middle of separation/divorce. I suggest you both focus on the relationships that are ending before diving head first into this one. And yes her kids should be off limits for the time being. Their world is being turned upside down right now. And if your relationship with her does not work out, it will just be another heart ache for them in a short period of time. Without being able to look back further at the situation, I am guessing the relationship began before you either one started to divorce (exit affair). And you both were probably discovered. That would be the only reason I see for MOW's soon to be ex husband to be so pissed about you being around. And if that is the case...I would be to. I'm not sure either AP has actually started a divorce...more like they just talk with each other about it.
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