macy Posted June 20, 2013 Posted June 20, 2013 After being separated and now divorced for a total of about 1 1/2 years, I am curious about what some people discovered about dating post divorce. I'm not sure I'm ready yet (feeling a slight pull to get out there), but certainly don't want to be alone my whole life. I have some trust issues that I think are justified given my experience. What's been an eye opener for me is how many women cheat in their marriages. I, for some reason, always assumed men cheated more. I've never cheated. For me, I know that the grass isn't always greener. Everyone has issues so why not try to fix what's wrong in your relationship. The issues might not be the same but we ALL have them. I know not all men cheat, but its hard not to be scared. Dating seems like an exhausting task when you are middle aged (I'll be 40 in a few months). Lets face it, by all that I've read here, people are carrying around some heavy baggage. Rightfully so. I'm thinking about not even trying to date until my kids are both almost out of high school. One is currently in HS the other is in 6th grade. Long time, I know. I can't see how those of us who are divorced don't bring a whole lot of "junk" with us. Consciously or not. I would think I would try very hard not too. Do some of you just feel like its easier to just be alone and not even bother with dating? I know I do. No, I don't want to be alone. I miss having a partner, friend, and sex and intimacy a lot but man does the alternative risk seem like a huge gamble.
carhill Posted June 20, 2013 Posted June 20, 2013 Do some of you just feel like its easier to just be alone and not even bother with dating? I know I do. No, I don't want to be alone. I miss having a partner, friend, and sex and intimacy a lot but man does the alternative risk seem like a huge gamble. In reality, very few people are alone. You have two wonderful children whom you love and whom love you. You have family. You have friends. Essentially, you don't have someone to have sex/make love with right now. Each of us assigns value to the parts of our lives we do and don't have. We make the choice to assign that value. My exW and I split up four years ago this month; been divorced 2.5 years. Unfortunately, we had no children. The last of my family died right before our D was final. I dated for a few months about three years ago. TBH, I don't 'miss' female companionship at all; in retrospect, I think it's because I've never had said companionship which I found fulfilling and satisfying, hence I don't really miss it. I do miss who I was when I loved my exW but her companionship, nah, not really. IMO, give dating a shot and respect your own feelings. Treat your dating partners with care and respect and find your own path. If it's alone with your kids, that. If you meet someone who compliments your style and with whom you find synergy, that. Take the lessons you learned from your M, and life in general, and apply them to this new period of your life. With each day comes new opportunity. Good luck. 4
Author macy Posted June 20, 2013 Author Posted June 20, 2013 I live in a different state than the rest of family. As far as family I talk on the phone with them but none live near me, sadly. After the D I wanted to move back to my home state but now my oldest is in high school and uprooting her would be hard, so here I stay. Then, when she graduates my son will enter high school. I fear I'm stuck in this town for many years to come. Ha! I do have very good friends here though and go home every summer for a few weeks at a time. You're right, I probably miss intimacy. I'm not dead... Just divorced, lol.
carhill Posted June 20, 2013 Posted June 20, 2013 You're a little younger than me so perhaps parameters are different. Something I discovered during the D process was how 'intimate' I could be with those loyal friends who stuck close to me during difficult times. TBH, it's been a wonderful time. Yes, I miss lovemaking with a spouse but I certainly don't miss the headaches of dealing with the other parts of that equation. I'm 'uncle carhill' to friend's children and grandchildren and life is good. If I ever meet a woman who blows me back with her general and sincere empathy and care, perhaps I might date again someday, provided I can verify that she's single You sound like you've made some healthy decisions. If summer is 'school's out' for the kids, and things are more flexible, why not create a tasteful dating profile and give that a shot, along with 'hanging out' at summer hangout spots. An example of what I would do would be to take one of my vintage cars to the weekly 'cruise in' at a local eatery and shoot the breeze with whoever showed up. Do what you like to do and see what happens. 1
Author macy Posted June 20, 2013 Author Posted June 20, 2013 Very good advice, thanks. I think you have to be okay with being alone first and foremost. I am almost there. I have the occasional sadness over it but like you don't miss all the other 'stuff' that an unhappy marriage brings.
Yasuandio Posted June 20, 2013 Posted June 20, 2013 Carhil has the right idea honey. Try a Match.com profile, or the free site like datehookup.com. It is a good learning experience. 1. You get to start practing talking to men again. 2. You can try a simple date for coffees, etc. Nothing dramatic. 3. It is a good boost to your ego. 4. Writing up your profile, and seeing the responses come in, gets you in touch with all YOU have to offer! Makes you stand a little taller! 5. It is educational - for me, I am clear that I am no where near ready for dating or a relationship yet. I thought that was what I needed - nope. Not yet. Yas
Author macy Posted June 20, 2013 Author Posted June 20, 2013 Yas, were you afraid of meeting crazies? I guess if you meet in the daytime and in a public place it would seem safer.
Yasuandio Posted June 20, 2013 Posted June 20, 2013 Yas, were you afraid of meeting crazies? I guess if you meet in the daytime and in a public place it would seem safer. Hon, they are the ones that have to worry about meeting the crazy! But on a serious note, I have been reading some interesting statistics on these types of matters. First of all, according to Match.com, over 57 millon people over 50 years old are single. I also read somewhere that 1 in 5 marriages was connected in some way to the internet (not necessarily on-line dating). When you apply some common sense, what sort of expectation do you have of meeting a person, cold, in public? Any person you meet on the street, grocery store, or bar could be a crazy. This I know for sure. With the privacy the internet allows, you can get just enough information from a person BEFORE you meet them to do a major background check. Just with their name and phone number, (or only their phone number), you can have a field day free of charge. For as little as five bucks - you can really go to town. For instance, with a name, and the town where the person says he lives, you can check property tax records to see if he owns anything. With just his name, and googling the word "mugshot," you can findout if he has been arrested. Do you know how many people I have met that have mugshots? Oh, dear. These days, anyone you meet, you need to look them up. I met a nice fella at the Michael's craft store, and he gave me some coupons, and I saved $20 on my paint kit. We were chatting about going dumpter diving. When I got home - I researched his name - and he was on Mugshot.com for burgulary, and forgery. Even my own former husband has a mean looking mugshot on there that he couldn't buy his was out of. Dude, I couldn't believe my eyes. All I can say to these people is, "try not to break the law!" So, to answer your question, IMHO, the format of on-line profiles, and the ability to gather a bit of information that you can verify privately yourself before even setting up a meeting is a huge advantage to post-modern dating. It was not long ago, I was chatting with a very very handsome fellow on Match - really, too good to be true, was the first red flag (red flags are what you need to be tuned into). I had enough chain yanking, and BS about his "international business trip" he supposedly was taking, and finially, I directly asked this man, where he lived, and when he would be back in US. He told me what I wanted to know, and provided the address. I followed up with, "rent or own?" He said he owned the place. I did a simple on-line property tax search in that county and found he is a liar. There is no need for me to meet a liar, right? So that was the end of that. All the rules and suggestions on the dating sites give tips about BS like this. And sometimes I am a little naive - as I have not dated in 28 years! But I am smart enough to figure out crap myself eventually. And I will not give my heart to some player. So that guy got a taste of my bi-polar desease big time. I am overwhelmed with 3500 responses in only one month on Match. The responses are there because I have a lot to offer. But I am not ready for any dating. I have too much to work through inside of me. I am a difficult creative person (with an illness to cope with now on top of it). Throughout my life very kind, giving, and apparently swollowed my anger - which has suddenly emergered with a vengence. Dating is not for me right now anyway. I think the divorce, possibly for everyone, damages us. I feel damaged - and need to heal though serious therapy - no more blah, blah, blah, talking outta my head at therapist office. Twice a week now - serious concrete self reflection and goals. I learned what I needed to reflect on within myself thru my response to the on-line dating this past month, interestingly enough. Do start reading the help sections and the educational articles about on-line dating to relieve your fears and trepadations. It is the way of the future. Practice researching individuals - so it becomes second nature. This is common sense - as you are a woman alone now, and must protect yourself and your interests. I hope this helps you. Yas
MidwestUSA Posted June 20, 2013 Posted June 20, 2013 I went on a date (thru match.com) about a month after my D was final. (Had been separated a year) My date was a bit older, and wiser. We had a great evening, but at the end of it all, he advised me to take a minimum of two years to rediscover myself and what my interests and hobbies were. We did not date again, but I often looked to him for advice over the next six years, and I went on what I jokingly like to call "fifty first dates". A couple of three or four month "relationships" in there as well. Almost all from match or POF. Forward eight years from divorce - I've been married for six weeks to the man I could never picture in my head but is everything I've ever wanted and needed. I had given up and was content, even happy at times, being alone. So this was the biggest surprise of my life. My advice - take your time, accept that if you date, there will be some crazies. And some really good learning experiences. Yes, baggage is probably the biggest factor in dating at middle age. Yet there is a great advantage to having life experiences under your belt. I'm 51; life is FAR from over. Enjoy it! Best wishes.
Author macy Posted June 20, 2013 Author Posted June 20, 2013 Thank you for sharing! Encouraging story. Yes, life is far from over. :-)
2.50 a gallon Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 Macy it is not hopeless. After my divorce, I swore that I would never fall in love again. It was just too painful, and little in the rewards department. I had no kids to worry about. I had my tropical fish, my research, my hobbies, I could do what I wanted , whenever I wanted and had nobody to answer to. I lasted about 15 years, until just before I was ready to turn 50. Then when I least expected it, second date first kiss, I realized while driving home how lonely I was. I had no choice in the matter I was falling in love. Where before I could run, this time running seemed just as painful as staying, either way I was going to be hurt. We both had baggage in the trust department. We never really talked about it, we both knew if either of us ever stepped across the line, the magic would be gone. Something we had learned from our Ex's. In a few months it will be 18 years. And I should add, amongst my friends, most of whom have been through divorce at least once, my story is not unique.
2sure Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 I'm 48. I've been divorced more than once and have altogether been single more often than attached. I'm a motivated partner, I'm loving , but I don't pick good guys . I've never had a really healthy relationship , not sure anymore if I can have one. I'm not opposed exactly. I've always been happy single, even younger. Lonely sometimes back then, but not anymore. I date, I have someone I'm fond of. But really, I'd rather spend time with others I love, people that have been there with me and for me . And mostly right now, I like being there for them . I'm giving back in general and for me, it feels good. I'm jaded, and that's ok, I think I was born this way. I'm happy dating, keeping it light.
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