How Do You Do It?

[Leigh 87]

How do you all break up with someone? And how do you handle things after a break up?

 

What previous mistakes have you made after a break up? I am sure there are some awful stories about how break ups can go wrong.

 

Ultimately, I am curious as to how people on here handle break ups, and what you all think are examples of effective communication.

 

It is easy to look at guys or girls who flat out ignore the person they dumped, and point fingers. They should have given more closure. They should not have gone from regularly contacting the dumpee, to full blown ignoring them.

Of course, there is only so much one can do. If you leave a person, and do not want to be with them, there are only so many times you can tell them " look, I do not want to be with you, can you please stop contacting me, I cannot be your friend right now nor do I want to talk to you".

There will be instances where communicating in a polite way, will not deter the dumpee. Who will proceed to blow up the dumpers phone even after they nicely say " please stop this".

 

There is a lot of talk about HOW the dumper breaks up with the dumpee.

 

Some people want a genuine explanation before the dumper just disappears. I feel it is at least shows good communication skills if the dumper can tell the dumpee how they feel; why they are leaving, and if they want to remain in contact or not.

 

There are threads about how the dumper ignores the dumpee's desperate attempts at communication. Hoping they will take a hint, rather than sending a simple text early on, saying " I will not be responding to you because I wish you well and want you to get over me, since I do not want to be with u"

 

...................................................................................................

 

Personally? I would like to think that, if I just was not feeling it, that I would KNOW if I was not head over heals in love with a guy quiet clearly, enough to tell the poor dude " look, I am not feeling it, we have to break up. I cannot talk to you again because it is the quickest way for us to heal"

 

This is from reading love shack^^ and, additionally, looking at he fails in real life. Of people who fart @ss around during break ups ( still stay friends, lead them on so they stay as a fall back, etc).

 

If they tried to incessantly contact you, what would you do?

 

If a clear reason is given for the break up, and the dumper asks if they can have space from contact, ignoring the dumpee is the best they can do for the dumpee.

 

If the dumper is vague or says things like " I am not sure I want to get over you yet" and " I love you and miss you a lot and this is not for everm, just for now" only to suddenly ignore you, after they had previously been texting you regularly? Rude. They could at least say " goodbye, I do not want to talk to you anymore"

 

We live in a dog eat dog age now, where people lament that " no one osw you anything. They broke up. He does not ow her a thing now"

I feel like, if a the dumper is initiating frequent or regular contact and saying that they love you and miss you or whatever, and then suddenly ignore the dumpee; this is rude and they should at least state their intentions.

 

I would say " I care about you do much as a person, honestly, I hate to ignore your messages most of the time, but ___ and I would explain why No Contact is essential"

If they continued to text after that, I would finally say " look, I am going to ignore your texts from now on. I care about you a lot, you're a great person, but I need us to both move on. I cannot contact you further. I wish you well in life"

 

After two texts, I would stop. And hope they got the message, since I told them several times, verbally and in writing.

 

Any lessons to be learnt here? Am I just too nice for giving a couple of courtesy texts, to let them KNOW that I have no wish to talk to them anymore?

[Sheilalou008]

Oh, I have made every mistake there is to make. Being the dumper and dumpee.

 

When I was the dumper I was ruthless. I cut them straight off at the knees. I let them know I was done and stopped all communication right away. I blocked, deleted and went on my way. Never caring how they felt...honestly, the 2 I did it to deserved it. I was mentally abused in one case and cheated on in the other. I felt like it was the only way to get my point across. Have I spoke to them since? Yes, but only on a friendly level. One I cannot even speak to for more than 5 minutes without my blood boiling...so that doesn't happen very often. The other, I see and have drinks with and laugh. We were friends for a long time before we dated and enough time has passed where we can be just friends again. We both have moved on.

 

As the dumpee, god, I have made all the classic mistakes and probably will all over again given another break up. I try to keep the drama and stuff to a low minimum cus I know it does not help at all. It is a work in progress that will never end up perfect...

 

I always let the dumper know I was done speaking to them and that I could not handle it.

Edited June 20, 2013 by Sheilalou008

[Mme. Chaucer]

Leigh, this section of LS is overflowing with threads written by people who talk about the particulars of their break-ups.

 

How are YOU doing it? The comments at the end of your post about what you "would" do if you were the dumper lead me to think that perhaps your ex has stopped contacting you? Where are you at with this?

[Leigh 87]

Leigh, this section of LS is overflowing with threads written by people who talk about the particulars of their break-ups.

 

How are YOU doing it? The comments at the end of your post about what you "would" do if you were the dumper lead me to think that perhaps your ex has stopped contacting you? Where are you at with this?

 

 

 

Oh, this thread was nothing to do with my own situation.

 

I have not been on the receiving end of the whole "radio silence" style of break up. I have read about this scenario a lot lately ( versus the hanging on and bread crumb scenarios), where the person just disappears. I felt it rude, to not at least tell the dumpee " look, now I need space and time away from you. I won't be talking to you for some time, so I can move on"

 

Some guys, like with a friend I made a thread about in the general relationship discussion, just had their guy plain ignore them. I thought it was very rude! He could have at LEAST told her " look, this is not what I want, I can't do this anymore, I wish you well".

 

I just wonder, if there is NO prior discussion, isn't it more effective to at least TELL the dumpee that " look it is over, I cannot talk to you for a while, we need to move on, seeya later!"

 

Anyways, my ex was not one to just cut me off. Although the bread crumbs ( I still love you the same way Leigh, I miss u terribly, I am sure we WILL get back together) Got SO annoying, that you know, I sort of wish he DID just cut me off:mad:

 

Chaucer - he showed up at my flat by the way, after No Contact:mad:

 

Saying " I am not sure I WANT you to get over me:lmao:"

 

He just confirmed that he is a classic cake eater - he wants me as a fall back and he does love the hell out of me, as a person. He loves being around me.... Until something better comes along, and he finds the girl he WANTS to be with.

 

So yes, that is my experience with the reversal of the "radio silence" method.

 

Still, although No Contact is BEST from the outset, an explanation SHOULD be given! That is the ideal scenario, from my own experience and from reading about others on here.

[Leigh 87]

Oh, I have made every mistake there is to make. Being the dumper and dumpee.

 

When I was the dumper I was ruthless. I cut them straight off at the knees. I let them know I was done and stopped all communication right away. I blocked, deleted and went on my way. Never caring how they felt...honestly, the 2 I did it to deserved it. I was mentally abused in one case and cheated on in the other. I felt like it was the only way to get my point across. Have I spoke to them since? Yes, but only on a friendly level. One I cannot even speak to for more than 5 minutes without my blood boiling...so that doesn't happen very often. The other, I see and have drinks with and laugh. We were friends for a long time before we dated and enough time has passed where we can be just friends again. We both have moved on.

 

As the dumpee, god, I have made all the classic mistakes and probably will all over again given another break up. I try to keep the drama and stuff to a low minimum cus I know it does not help at all. It is a work in progress that will never end up perfect...

 

I always let the dumper know I was done speaking to them and that I could not handle it.

 

 

Oh, your right to be ruthless if they cheat or lie to you. I was not strong enough to do that when my ex cheated, for various reasons. I honestly felt that he was in love with me and he would have seriously done what he did to any girl, rather than just do it to me because he "did not love me that much". I did not believe he " would stop doing it when he met a girl he DID love enough".

 

Looking back, I absolutely should have cut them off, as you did to your cheating ex. I still believe that some men who are very much in love, can still cheat and do very bad things to their partner. Albeit not often, most men who are that in love and adore their partners probably do not cheat. Although there are exceptions I believe. That is why I did not just leave. I thought he was an exception. And he could have been? I will never know.

 

The point is not whether they loved you enough; you just have to demand more respect from people. I could not see that, but now I can. After the I handled it wrongly, of course. As people tend to do:mad: Oh well! I suppose I had to learn through making a mistake.

 

I would give yourself more credit, with how you will handle future break ups. You did the right thing with cutting your exes off, for starters. As for when you are broken up WITH? I mean, simply being on loveshack, and having access to wise opinions from people who have had a LOT of experience in relationships and break ups, will help us a lot.

 

I am sure we will not beg and plead with the next failed relationship, if we are sadly dumped again. We see where that gets people on here. We see how No Contact works wonders; how dumpees who DO NOT follow No Contact, lose their dignity and only end up prolonging their pain!

 

I did not even beg and plead lol with my only long term break up. Although I should have done No Contact far sooner than I did, and I DID put it out there that " I loved them enough to try again, for a new and improved relationship". I did not beg? But they knew how I felt and agreed with me (bloody bread crumbs).

 

When I was a teenager, when a guy would stop talking to me, I did make a few silly mistakes once: they left me, and while it was OBVIOUS they had NO intention of wanting to be with me again, I still felt it was better to remain talking to him!

 

.....Right up until he met his new g/f. I felt terrible and went through the pain of the break up again. Since it was within 2 months of the break up that they got with someone new.

 

That was when I was 16.

 

Fingers crossed that we can be polite to those who deserve an explanation, and damn well LEAVE those who do not warrant any explaining:mad:

 

AND - lets hope we can better handle being broken up with. I am SURE you will, you do not sound desperate or like you will make a fool out of yourself.

Edited June 20, 2013 by Leigh 87

[Leigh 87]

Thanks Metal Chick. Excellent advice. What I needed to know.

 

This website can help a LOT of people in dealing with break ups. That is for sure.

 

You're right though. Just a basic explanation (that you are going No Contact and do not want to talk to them anymore) and then cutting them off and ignoring them should suffice.

 

I may have to do it soon LOL. I tend to attract a lot of men, when I am not open to relationships (as life goes... attracting men when you are not open to them, and when you are ready, no one noticing you:lmao:)

 

Only, I will not get into a relationship to begin with. I can imagine me just saying things like " sorry, I do not want to get into a relationship right now"

 

But OMG - That almost ALWAYS means that " I am just not into you enough, but I will have a relationship with the right person"

 

ughh..

 

How do I go about this!?

 

I am not READY for a relationship, I do not want a damn relationship any time soon.

 

How would I tell someone this, without them thinking that I am just saying " I just don't want a relationship with you"

 

Anyways. I will just deal with that if it happens. Which I am sure it will within the next year or so (a guy wanting to pursue a relationship, but me not wanting one)

 

Is this okay? " I really like you and normally I WOULD want to date you more and be open to a relationship with you. Sadly, although I actually want to pursue this with you, I honestly, 100% cannot get into a serious relationship for now. I honestly have issues I need to address, or I would bring you down in the relationship"

 

" It is best we do not talk for a while, because I really have strong feelings for you, and that will only hurt us both, if we keep talking yet cannot be together"

 

" Lets talk again in a year or so, and see where we are both at. In the meanwhile, please move on, and do not take my comment about reconnecting in the future to mean that I want you to hold on. Please don't"

 

 

 

That is what I would do NOW; I feel it is nice, to the point, explains how I honestly feel about things and does not leave any hope. Since I Will go no Contact and not answer them.

 

UGH. What if they are at my Uni campus and I see them? Simply, nice, smile when I see them but do not engage with them unless that approach me, and then I say I am busy and have to go. Smile and leave?

[Leigh 87]

You told me he was fair and honest, yet this thread states otherwise.

He wanted me back then left.

This thread is exactly how i feel

 

 

 

I never said he was fair or honest. He wasn't; he should not have said that he wanted you back, before ignoring you.

 

That is what I am discussing here: I want to hear more effective ways to finalize a break up.

 

In your case, he should not have said he wanted you back. Yes, silence speaks volumes and you should have gotten the message, but A LOT of women would have been confused.

 

Look, I have had the same thing done to me: I have been told that they were still in love with me and still wanted to be with me.

 

...........the difference with us, is that you got told this and then they cut you off. I got told this, yet they stuck around and kept telling me this, whilst never making concrete plans to get back together with me.

 

Both methods are NOT the ideal way to break up with someone! A middle ground, as Metal Chick suggested, sounds about right. A simple " I do not want to be with you. I wish you well" Followed by no contact from them, would have sufficed.

 

This method^^ is far more effective than either leading you on (like happened with me), or leading you on and then ignoring you.

[bluegreen]

We already have one post like this Simon wrote it and you copied almost all of it :confused::confused: ?

[Leigh 87]

We already have one post like this Simon wrote it and you copied almost all of it :confused::confused: ?

 

 

 

 

huh? I had no idea lol. I did not read that particular post of his, although I read a lot of his posts (Simon Phoenix?)

 

I just wanted to discuss the ways in which people break up. I wrote what came to my head, not what I copied from someone else:lmao:

 

I heard about undergroundlifes break up, and then I hear a lot about exes that hold onto you and give false hope.

 

I feel both methods are not the most effective.

 

I made this thread because I want to know how other people break up NOW, and how they have learnt from their past failings.

 

I have learnt a lot through here alone, in addition to people in real life who I speak with about their break ups. And my own break up.

[bluegreen]

So you know whose is it : ))) I bet you did but its kind of slap in a face to claim someone's work and call it your own

[Leigh 87]

So you know whose is it : ))) I bet you did but its kind of slap in a face to claim someone's work and call it your own

 

 

huh?

 

I know who Simon is. As a poster.

 

I did not copy his post though. In fact, I had no idea that he wrote a post that was similar to mine.

 

You are looking for drama.

 

Think what you like. I know the truth. I have better things to do than re write a post that someone else wrote. WTF is the point of that? LOL:lmao:

 

Seriously. I come on here to write about things I think of, and I enjoy discussing. I fail to see the point in copying another posters post, when I could have directly gotten all my answers from their thread?

 

It is a mystery to me, as to WHY a person would copy another persons post to get answers. Seriously. It would be a waste of time?

 

I came and wrote a post about what I was personally thinking.

[bluegreen]

Oh quit lying Leah just look at a guy's post do you need help for that ?

Why am I looking for drama if I only said a truth posts are about identical.

And we are here for same reasons but no one likes to be made fool off people don't always pay attention and Simon has left us from what I heard.

 

 

 

 

Start doing your own work

[Leigh 87]

Can people on here only post about their own break up styles, and how they have improved or not in their future break ups?

 

Bluegrean - A simple " wow, another poster had a thread like this, what a coincidence" would have sufficed.

 

Accusing people of lying, as you have done with me, is plain negative behaviour.

 

I am a positive person, therefore I tend to not bother with calling people liars. IF I do not have anything nice to say, I do not say it, unless someone NEEDS to hear something unpleasant for their own good.

[bluegreen]

We are bombing this thread here but you seem more close to telling the truth OK let me get this right you do something wrong and expect us to cuddle you about it ?

 

Now this wins a joke of the day contest but I just remembered one very useful button here on form am gonna go use it

[Leigh 87]

I did not see his post. I did not copy his post.

 

It is not my problem if you think I am lying.

 

 

 

 

Sorry. I am sticking by the truth.

[Leigh 87]

This reminds me about year 8, when I wrote an outstanding poem, that people did not believe I wrote.

 

They found a poem that was very similar in a book, and went to the teacher about it.

 

At the end of the day, I wrote that award winning poem in year 8. That was better than the year 12 poems.

 

Seriously. Knowing the truth is key.

 

I am a pretty nice woman. I do not tend to do things "wrong" in an ethical or moral sense.

 

The only thing I admit to doing that was very "wrong" was that I read my exes journal.

 

Besides that, I have not done anything in years that was "wrong" lol.

[Leigh 87]

Back on track now,

 

I dumped a guy when I was 16. He was really into me, but I was upset over an ex a little, and wanted to be single and have fun with my friends.

 

I tried to be with him for a week or two, before saying " I want to have fun and be single with my friends".

 

Lol. So I just told him how I felt.

 

We later got back together, and he was the one who lost interest.

 

I have never done the dumping before. Only to him, that one time in my life.

 

I did try to leave my last relationship, but it just did not feel " over" at that stage. And he would not let me go.

 

I prefer being the dumper!

[Leigh 87]

Maybe my problem is that this is the first time ive been dumped.

And how he went about it.

I was always clear with people in my dumping.

Sure ive been led on but when im in a relationship i take it seriously.

 

 

 

 

I don't blame you. Seriously... Especially since he said he wanted you back and THEN ignored you!

 

I would have done the same thing as you. Only now, I have read a lot on loveshack about your story and I have heard fantastic advice from thousands of people!

 

People like Metal Chick, Tara Mairden, Mme Chaucer, they all know what they are talking about. They have been there and made mistakes. They know first hand what the most healthy and beneficial at the end of a relationship.

 

I have blown up guys phones before after they clearly showed they were not interested. I have done it to about 2 or 3 guys long ago, in my past.

 

It is only NOW that I think I am on the brink of putting that behind me!

 

It is a really good feeling, to have solid guidelines to follow that I actually trust. I simply did not have the capacity to realise some important things about relationships on my own.

 

So I come on here. It is honestly a wonderful website. Although there is some negativity and trolling.

 

Look, don't take peoples advice to heart. Metal Chick, tara Maiden, and other posters have came down very hard on me. They just tell me how I am coming across, and how the RIGHT way to go about things actually would be.

 

People come off as harsh, but just use it to better yourself. You will probably learn from this mistake!

 

Just do not expect the dumpers to all explain themselves and give you a reason to just leave out of the blue. Some people really do that. A lot.

 

All you can do from now on, is realise that: a guy ignoring you, shows that he does not want to be with you, and there is therefore no reason to contact him again.

 

I understand one or two calls or texts after he ignores you. Anything more than that, and you have to see if he responds. If not, it is damn rude to just avoid you, but it happens. Expect it to happen.

 

You could also meet someone wonderful who will not stuff you around. He will tell you he does not want to be with you, if things do not work out, and he will not lead you on at all.

 

Just stick around here and read other peoples stories. You will never see anything good of pursing a guy who is not making it CLEAR that he wants to be with you.

 

You will ALSO see a LOTTTTTT. A LOT a lot. Of guys who will TELL you they love you, they want to be with you and they love being with you.. Only to NOT, in fact, show actions that back up this up!

 

It happened to me. It happened to you. A lot of women on here will come and write about some dude who lead her on, said he loved her and misses her and is not final on his break up decision; only to flat out start to ignore her.

 

I don't think anyone can blame you for being confused! And many of us have also made the same mistakes you made!

[William]

That's all, folks....