How to deal with self loathing and self doubt after an affair

[WhiteHeart]

I am wondering how other WS deal with feelings of self loathing and self doubt?

 

It's been about 2-3 months since DDay and I am struggling with my own perception of myself. My H appears to have shrugged the affair off and rarely ever mentions it, which I find strange. He says he has dealt with it, he isn't happy with what happened but he can't change it. He believes I am remorseful and that I am trying to make things right. He has no time for my exAP, as far as my H is concerned he is dead to him.

 

I will give you some background to the affair.

 

The affair itself only lasted weeks and NC was agreed mutually between us and we have stuck to it. The affair wasn't a full PA, although there was 2 kisses, it was mainly an EA. There was a lot of text & Facebook messages and a picture was taken. We spent most of our time just talking really.

 

I came clean to my H about a week after NC was agreed, I couldn't live with what I had done. I hated myself and couldn't look myself in the eye. I hated what I had done to my H and felt that he had a right to know.

 

My exAP and I had talked about confessing and he couldn't understand why I would want to. We came to the conclusion that my H would leave me and probably kill him (they knew each other from school - they weren't close friends but shared mutual friends). We agreed everyone would hate us.

 

I couldn't understand, and still don't understand, how my exAP could keep quiet. He was of the opinion that since we never had sex there was nothing to tell, however the idea of me confessing terrified him. I felt differently, I was climbing the walls with guilt. In the end I decided that I had to own up to my mistake and face the consequences.

 

AFAIK my exAP has no idea that anyone knows. My H has no interested in confronting him. I have no interest in speaking to him. Unless someone else has told him then he still thinks it our little secret. He was single so there is no other BS who would deserve the truth.

 

My H is of the opinion that he got what he wanted (the photo) and that is that. H finds it hard to believe that the exAP feels any guilt as he has always seen women as meat, not people. This is part of the reason my H has never really been close to exAP.

 

My H was floored when I told him, he had no idea, he wasn't even suspicious. My H appreciated my honesty, but questioned why I came clean and why I did it in the first place. We had a very long chat, he spoke to friend who knows all 3 of us (H, exAP, and myself) and my H decided that he can forgive me and doesn't want the marriage to end.

 

We spent a lot of time in the weeks following DDay discussing what went wrong, why it went wrong, and what we can do to fix it and ensure things won't go wrong in the future. My H has been so matter of fact about the whole affair. He said that he can see the affair for what it was and he just wants to move forward. He can see how sorry I am and believes I have learnt my lesson and wants me to stop punishing myself for everything I have ever done wrong in my whole entire life.

 

We have both spoken to others about the affair. The people we have spoken to are all shocked at what I did, a small minority don't think I actually did anything wrong. A few even think I was stupid for confessing. Although the majority of people have been supportive to my H and I. I didn't expect people to be so nice to me.

 

One thing a lot of people have said to me, including my H is I need to stop beating myself up. I find this hard as I have found myself questioning who I am as a person. I have always been in the 'cheaters are scum' camp and now I do this?

 

I have been in and out of IC for 10 years. My current round of therapy has been going on for over a year now. I have been diagnosed with depression & PTSD. My therapist is pleased with my H and I progress whilst dealing with the affair but also feels I need to see the affair for what it is, like my H has.

 

I never loved my exAP, I don't even really find him physically attractive. He was just someone to talk to, I suppose he could have been anyone. I only ever really wanted someone to talk to, a friend.

 

My therapist and I have agreed that a lot of my issues stem from when I got bullied at school, I have struggled for years to understand what I did to deserve years of torment. My therapist has theorised that as a result of wondering why I was bullied I am prone to self destructive behaviour. I do bad things to validate the treatment I got at school. She says I have 2 choices, I can continue down my self destructive path or I can try and break the cycle.

 

I want to break the cycle, I want to finally rid myself of all my demons but I am struggling. What if she is wrong? What if I really am just a bad person? Maybe the bullies saw something that no one else can see?

 

I know this is self destructive but I can't rid myself of these thoughts and I am terrified of what will happen if I don't stop. It has been a month since my last therapy session and I have found it tough. I have tried talking to my husband about this, and he is very understanding and supportive but I don't like bringing the affair up all the time, especially since he claims to have dealt with it.

[dichotomy]

First off I have rarely seen so much remorse from WS for a EA with minor PA. Lets just acknowledged that deep regret is very healthy. That is people who don't have regret over these kinds of things are mentally or emotionally ill.

 

You are in individual therapy right? If not this is something you need to focus on right away.

 

Second about your weakness or flaw - welcome to the human race. We all got something inside us - some flaws or weaknesses.

 

How has your self esteem and emotional life been before this?

 

Also if your husband has moved on - let him. You can tell better than us if this is true - how he acts, behaves and interacts with you now. If it has returned to normal or looks normal then let him be. Some men do focus mainly on whether sex has occurred as the deciding issue. I suppose there is also the very minor chance your husband has fallen down somewhere in the marriage and you don't know it - and so he is cutting you a break for his own mistakes.

 

About the item above - I only wonder if you wish to actually sabotage your marriage by keeping it on the burner with your husband?

 

Lastly if you really need to - I suggest you channel your energy (need for repentance) into something - exercise, volunteering to help others, working in the community etc..

Edited June 20, 2013 by dichotomy

[janedoe67]

I like dichotomy's post. I also think that a healthy person and spouse would NOT want you to spend the rest of your life as Hester Prynne behind the moral 8 ball so to speak, and it sounds like your husband actually has enough character to be capable of understanding that so I would say be thankful for that and find a way to NOT carry around what he doesn't want you to carry around. And then be very thankful you have such a BS because it is a rare thing. There are plenty of BS's who would be happy for you to suffer every day for the rest of your life as "proof" that you are sorry.

[BetrayedH]

Your husband probably is getting over this faster than you would expect for a few reasons:

 

(1). Contrary to what you might think, statistically about 80-85% of men will at least initially try to reconcile with their wayward wife (the numbers are 90-95% for women). While nearly everyone says that infidelity would be a dealbreaker, the reality of facing it is quite different. More commonly, a betrayed spouse initially wants to fix the marriage. Put simply, they don't immediately fall out of love with you. If he's anything like me, his was wrapped up in his lifetime commitment to you and the fear of losing his wife and family so suddenly outweighs the feelings of anger or wanting to leave.

 

(2). A voluntary disclosure of an affair is rare and highly impactful. Statistically, it doubles your chances of reconciling over the long-term (at least at the two year-mark by stats I know).

 

(3). Typically for men, we're far more damaged by a physical affair than an emotional one. We can be plagued by mind-movies of sexual acts for years. Women are typically the opposite; they can get past their man receiving oral sex easier than if their husband had given their other woman a love note.

 

Keep in mind that denial is the first stage of grief for your H (acceptance is the last). Emotions like anger are likely to come later. Again, initial fears have to do with loss of the spouse, marriage, and his life as he knew it. His initial reaction is probably relief that those things aren't going to happen. I felt similar when my wayward wife decided she wanted to reconcile our marriage. As I gained more confidence that I was "safe," that's when I started to get angry. It took me months but I eventually got more and more angry. It was like, now that I know you're not going to up and leave, you know, I don't much appreciate that this has happened. In fact, I'm kinda pissed. It got worse over time. I don't mean to scare you but your husband is more likely to get angry later.

 

I recommend a few books for you:

How to Help My Spouse Heal from My Affair by Linda McDonald

Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass

 

Also reas the thread pinned at the top of this forum, Things That Every WS Needs to Know.

 

Keep educating yourself. Keep reading. Keep posting.

 

Most of all, keep being introspective. Find out your personal "why" even if your husband isn't pressing you. A decision to have an affair is illogical (doesn't fix your marriage), it's unethical (your ethical choices were to fix the marriage or leave), it's destructive, and that's besides the morality piece. So why would you choose to do something so illogical, unethical, and destructive that goes against your own standards for yourself? As you've already indicated, it probably stems back to your childhood and family-of-origin. Common characteristics are having an excessive need for external validation, severe conflict-avoidance, or an overdeveloped sense of entitlement (or a combination). Any of these sound like you? Do you know what contributed to being that way? The point is, if you understand your personal "why," then you may be better able to avoid the use of that coping mechanism in the future and in turn, your husband will feel more confident that he's unlikely to suffer a repeat performance. So, hello to more individual counseling to dig deep.

 

For what it's worth, you sound like you have true remorse to me. Stopping short of a full-blown physical affair and voluntarily confessing is a huge indicator of that (and why your husband isn't having a coronary). And while your actions were obviously not the best, you don't need to be defined by your mistakes. If you keep making decisions of which you can be proud, you will eventually be proud of yourself again and be more defined by how your handled your mistakes rather than being defined by them.

[Spark1111]

Great, great post, BH!

 

You must forgive yourself if you hope to heal and grow from this experience.

 

Chances are you were bullied because bullies can smell vulnerability and low self-esteem from a mile away. They sense who they can victimize and who will stand up swiftly and punch them in the nose.

 

So can predatory men looking to sexually groom a woman for an affair. happens every day.

 

Your job is to work on you; to boost your own confidence, self-worth and self-love. With acquiring all those qualities, not only can you become a better partner to your spouse, but you will also naturally have stronger boundaries when those bullies or predators come knocking, IF they do at all.

[WhiteHeart]

Thanks for all your replies, I really appreciate it. I haven't replied to everything which has been said/ suggested but I have taken everything on board. Thanks again.

 

dichotomy,

Yes, I am in individual therapy, have been on and off for years. I have been diagnosed with depression & PTSD. I am very self critical, and although I don't care what others think of me I have always struggled with how I view myself. I have hated myself for years.

 

My H has gone back to normal, he has no more interest in what I get up to than he used to. He will talk about it with me if I bring it up, but rarely mentions it himself.

 

He says he doesn't want to check up on me or start invading my privacy as he feels that it's counter productive and unfair on him as well as me. I am not fully surprised by his reaction, just surprised how quickly he calmed down. It was almost a case of he went to bed angry with me and then woke up calm.

 

janedoe67

I know I am extremely lucky to have my H. I hate that it has taken this to make me appreciate what I have. I want to work hard with my therapist to become a better person, I am just struggling right now.

 

BetrayedH

My H has always said that he can't stand cheaters, he doesn't understand people who stay with unfaithful partners. Last year my sister found our her partner had been having a long term PA (she found messages on his phone) and decided to forgive him, both my husband and I couldn't understand why.

 

Now, however, I find myself in a weird position. Having been the cheater I cannot understand how he carried on for so long. He lied to everyone, and carried on lying after he got caught. I find that hard to understand. My H now says he kind of understands now what my sister went through, but still feels that if I had slept with my exAP he would have found it harder to forgive.

 

My H anger right now is directed at the exAP. He says that the fact he hasn't got the guts to own up speaks volumes to him. My H would love to tear him to pieces but feels that by doing so he would be no better by him.

 

I am currently working on myself with my therapist but sometimes it feels like I take one step forward and two steps back. At the moment I am struggling to battle my demons.

 

Spark1111

You sound like my therapist when you talk about the bullies. We have had so many sessions about it and we have gone over and over it. I don't even hate them anymore. I just wish they would go away. The flash backs are the hardest to deal with, and the dreams.

[Breathless]

Whiteheart -

I'm a fWW and have been dealing with the guilt and shame for almost 2 years now. I actually had a DDay and have been in NC with xMM since DDay.

 

My BH and I separated for 5 months before we decided to reconcile. We are stronger as a couple now than ever before (together for 15 years and married for 10 years). The first year I was a complete wreck - full of self hate, disgust and shame. I was a shell of a person. But in all honesty, I believe I was broken down in order to rebuild myself up into the person who I wanted to really be. Both my BH and I believe, though it was an evil and terrible thing that I did, it helped us both realize that we were not living the lives that we wanted. We have both grown as individuals - he found his strength and humility and I found my voice and my own strength. We are staying our marriage bc we WANT to not bc we HAVE too. For me, it was when I realized I was strong enough to face the world without a husband, strong enough to raise my children on my own, strong enough to stand on my own that changed me. I was fighting to become a better person, wife, mother bc my BH and family life was actually what I always wanted and lost sight of. Strange enough - the fear that I had of losing my BH and the life we built actually turned into appreciation.

 

I deal with the guilt, the shame and the self hate every day. I find that my demons haunt me the most during the early mornings and late nights when our house is silent. But what helps me chase them away is appreciating the fact that I am waking up early to make 2 cups of coffee instead of one and I will be going to bed in the warmth of my BH arms instead of a cold pillow. If your BH has given you the gift of forgiveness then who are you to not accept it!?! He obviously sees you as something worth fighting for - now its time for you to see it for yourself. Once you find your strength to fight - you will be able to chase away any demon that threatens your peace of mind!

[2sunny]

What, specifically, are YOU doing to break your cycle?

 

If your therapist isn't helping you to invoke change - then get a new counselor.

 

You know you do this... What are you doing to change it for yourself?

 

When will you feel worthy enough to quit destroying what is good in your life?

[WhiteHeart]

Breathless

Thank you for your post, it's actually made me cry. I hope that in 2 years time my H and I are stronger together. He thinks we already am but I still feel really wobbly most of the time.

 

I know I am lucky to have him and I know that I have a chance to turn my life around and learn from my past mistakes I just feel like I am facing a brick wall and have no idea how to break through.

 

I do want to be with my H and he wants to be with him. I just am terrified I will let him down again. I don't think I could live with myself if I do.

 

2sunny

I have been more open & honest with my H. In the past there has been a lot of things I kept to myself for various reasons. I felt that he had already been through enough regarding my MH problems (he stopped a suicide attempt a few years ago) so I thought I was protecting him by not letting him know I was feeling low again.

 

I have also been doing a lot of self reflecting and allowing myself to be sad or angry. I spent years building a wall around myself to protect myself from other people and bottling up the pain from my past. I have been working on giving myself permission to be human.

 

I am just struggling with forgiving myself for my mistakes, believing that I am not an evil person, and that I do not have to keep punishing myself. I am my own worst enemy.

 

My therapist does help, I just usually have sessions every other week but haven't had one for a month and I have found it surprisingly tough, I am seeing her Saturday so I am grateful for that.

[BetrayedH]

BetrayedH

My H has always said that he can't stand cheaters, he doesn't understand people who stay with unfaithful partners. Last year my sister found our her partner had been having a long term PA (she found messages on his phone) and decided to forgive him, both my husband and I couldn't understand why.

 

Now, however, I find myself in a weird position. Having been the cheater I cannot understand how he carried on for so long. He lied to everyone, and carried on lying after he got caught. I find that hard to understand. My H now says he kind of understands now what my sister went through, but still feels that if I had slept with my exAP he would have found it harder to forgive.

 

My H anger right now is directed at the exAP. He says that the fact he hasn't got the guts to own up speaks volumes to him. My H would love to tear him to pieces but feels that by doing so he would be no better by him.

 

I am currently working on myself with my therapist but sometimes it feels like I take one step forward and two steps back. At the moment I am struggling to battle my demons.

 

It's pretty normal for your H to direct his anger at your fAP instead of you. He has motivation to forgive you (again, that whole "saving the marriage" thing) but he has no motivation for forgiving his friend. Unfortunately, this is pretty unhealthy for him because while your fAP was certainly an accomplice to the betrayal, the bulk of the responsibility rests on you (the person with whom he has shared vows). The fact that he would extend such grace to you but none to his friend can be telling if it isn't balanced. It would potentially inidcate that he was staying (and forgiving you) out of fear. That's not a great foundation when it's "normal" to take 2-5 years to recover a marriage after infidelity. I only say this out of caution because it's yet another reason for his anger to come out later. Once he no longer fears the loss of the marriage, he may get angry at himself for so easily accepting infidelity as part of his marital history. At some point, IC may also be recommended for him.

 

All that said, I quite routinely say that it takes two things to reconcile after infidelity: (1). A truly remorseful wayward spouse and (2) A truly forgiving betrayed spouse. And #2 cannot come before #1. In your case, your remorse seems plainly sincere and has made it infinitely easier for him to truly forgive. It rarely happens this quickly but I see nothing in your story to indicate that it hasn't. Again, your expedient and voluntary ending of the affair AND your voluntary disclosure of it were HUGE. This tells me (and more importantly, your husband) that being a cheater is NOT a fundamental part of your nature. It is not "who you are." In fact, just being here shows how much this has been a crisis of conscience for you. Compare this to your former AP and how he simply wants to cover his arse. You are clearly a different person from the typical serial cheater that really carries little remorse for an affair (except for the regret they feel if they are caught and have to suffer the natural consequences of their actions).

 

Quite frankly, I think you're in one of the latter stages of what a successfully reconciled couple encounters, and that is just as you have said: finding it within you to forgive yourself.

[WhiteHeart]

oscarsmom

Thank you

 

BetrayedH

Thank you again for posting.

 

I am worried that he is bottling up his feelings to some extent. I have been watching him today and he really does seem fine but I don't see how he can be?!

 

Even on DDay he never raised his voice to me, he never called me names, he just went quiet. I could tell he was angry by his body language. Now he is fine with me, it's like before all this happened.

 

Even with my exAP I wouldn't say he is holding onto any anger per say. As far as my H is concerned my exAP is dead to him. I think if they were to ever be in the same room he wouldn't yell or hurt him. I am not sure exactly what would happen but I doubt my H would purposely start anything.

 

I did ask him about IC or even MC and he said he didn't need it. I am not sure really, I guess I will have to wait and see.

 

I have been given a lot to think about by yourself and others. I will be discussing this with my therapist and I will see how it goes. I am glad I posted now, I am starting to feel hopeful again.

[jnj express]

I am sorry, but I would be a little bothered by a Betrayed, that just swept an A., under the rug that fast

 

True, to your H., an EA, may come nowhere near a PA, but you did have physical contact , in your kissing, and I am sure there was other inapropos touching, even if just hugging

 

There are many reasons why a betrayed might let things go---but to not check on you, to give you complete trust, to just shrug it off-----you gotta wonder

 

I would venture to guess that the way your H., is handling this---he has to be in a large minority

 

There is plenty of R, but prior to R., there is accountability, boundaries/consequences established---a lot misery/anger/unhappiness---and a whole list of other things

 

You gotta wonder----what is REALLY going thru your H's mind.

[janedoe67]

WhiteHeart, it sounds like one thing you might need to do is trust your husband. I didn't. He was plenty hurt and angry and all of those things, but then he really did forgive me....the real full kind. If I had listened to what my own husband told me and trusted his actions I believe our recovery would have been complete. I didn't because according to everything I read he couldn't possibly forgive me and still love me and not hold it over my head and not be compelled to police me for the rest of my life. He told me over and over that I wasn't behind the 8 ball but everyone else told me I was so I believed them and not him.

 

Guilt and shame over doing wrong things is normal and healthy for a time but not forever. If the man you betrayed wants to move on then I would show him the respect of believing what HE says and does and not looking under every rock for some horrible thing to happen one day to his forgiveness and love for you. My husband was plenty hurt and upset and he had high expectations but he never felt the need to have me on permanent probationary spouse status or anything. He said if he wasn't going to forgive and trust and love me ever again then he might as well leave.

 

I wish I had blieved him instead of thinking that he was wrong about his own feelings.

[BetrayedH]

JaneDoe's post made me think of another resource that might help you.

 

Survivinginfidelity.com has a forum called, The Wayward Side. There are a remarkable number of former wayward spouses with a lot of wisdom about how to navigate through reconciliation as a wayward. I think you'd be surprised how many wayward spouses are dealing with the same issue as you: a forgiving betrayed spouse but overwhelming guilt of their own. Something to consider. That said, I always found Loveshack to be a bit less moderated and I appreciated the straight talk I found here, even when the honesty was brutal.

[AbeNormal]

BetrayedH and others have given some very useful insight and sound advice.

 

A disclaimer: mine likely will fall short, because at the moment I am suffering from radiation sickness (it comes and goes).

 

I suspect your husband will enter an anger phase (unless he views your event/fault as some sort of absolution – or a neutralization – of his own sins). But, not sure – he might just be comforted by your heartfelt apology and remorse, and the fact that you came forward without being “dragged”, etc.

 

Still, perhaps it is useful to understand the typical man’s point of view as concerns infidelity. The levels of response are not linear…

 

Emotional this and that, and a kiss – OUTRAGEOUS and you need to know that this is not at all acceptable!! But a truly remorseful wife, and one who does not think that the “scumbag” is anything but a scumbag, is reasonably easy for a man to deal with, find forgiveness and move on. Still he will be cautious and hurt.

 

[Let’s hope you are not hiding anything from your husband. Because a betrayed spouse has a radar that the CIA and NSA would give anything to harness…]

 

It seems that you are a truly remorseful person who made a tragic mistake – and by being so transparent, upfront and honest you have provided your husband with a sense of hope and well being for the future (even if he starts to get angry in a phase yet to come).

 

But just so you know, for most men the difference between chit-chat and a little kissy-kissy and (any type of) sex - is the difference between the sting of paintballs/bees/small-arms fire or whatever and this:

 

Licorne | Flickr - Photo Sharing!

 

Again, my apologies if my post is not coherent – I’ve just been suffering from the radiation poisoning resulting from my wife’s decision to trigger a thermo-nuclear device within our marriage.

 

Best of luck.

[WhiteHeart]

jnj express

Thanks for your post, it covers nicely how my mind can work when I start feeling paranoid. He didn't however just wake up and forgive me straight away.

 

He never yelled but went cold on me, spoke to a friend (thinking about it this could be where he let his anger out, I never asked what happened) and then after that chat he was then calm with me and we spent a lot of time talking and then after all those talks it seems that he is done, he is just waiting for me.

 

I am bothered to some extent because if he is bottling up anger then I would rather deal with it now than x years down the line, especially if by then I am in a better place.

 

It has crossed my mind that maybe he is toying me, he is quietly enjoying watching me suffer. It's also crossed my mind, and someone mentioned this earlier, that maybe he has strayed so is forgiving me to cover his own guilt. To be honest I have no idea why he has been so calm and it is extremely unnerving as reading stories on here it just isn't what usually happens.

 

I expected him to go mad, but he didn't. Why? He says because he wants to move forward. A lot of people on here and in real life are saying I should listen to him. I don't know.

 

janedoe67

Thank you, I am beginning to think you are right. I have found posting quite therapeutic really.

 

"He said if he wasn't going to forgive and trust and love me ever again then he might as well leave"

 

That is near enough what my H has said to me, I suppose I should stop worrying about him and shift focus more onto myself. I guess I have no way of knowing exactly why he is so calm about it already.

 

I think if I ever start panicking again I can just come back here and read the posts. I have also been given so many other external resources I can take a look at.

 

BetrayedH

Thank you for that. In the days after DDay I searched around the internet for forums so I can read others stories, which is how I found this place. I have been lurking for a few months. I may have come across that forum before, I am not sure but I will go back and look again.

[WhiteHeart]

AbeNormal

Sorry I some how missed your post. Thank you for your response. I have been completely honest with him. I didn't see the point in half truths, he might as well know everything, and I told him everything.

 

I know what I did is wrong and that I am lucky to be given a second chance. I just don't want to blow it, so I suppose I am just hyperaware of myself right now. I am, and always have been my biggest critic and worst enemy.

 

If his anger is yet to come then I will accept whatever that anger may bring. I know I have bought this all on myself.

[jnj express]

Hey White Heart---you are right to wonder---what's up with your H

 

You can read all the posts, on all the sites---and only a tiny % of the betrayed's act like your H is acting

 

Yes many do go on to R---just as many go to D---but no matter what---they get a negative reaction from the betrayed----the negative reaction may take many different forms--and last for a short burst, or take a long time-----but very very very FEW---do nothing, and have no reaction---and even less, immediately trust, and forgive again---your H, talked to one person and just went back to life as it was----that is very weird!!!!!

 

I am not saying you need/should do anything outright---but I would keep an eye on your H---what he is doing is just not the normal reaction for a betrayed spouse

[WhiteHeart]

jnj express

Thank you for your input, I will keep this in mind.

[Just a Guy]

Hello Whiteheart, I have read your thread through for the most part and I fully agree with the advice given to you by most people on the forum. I may have a slightly different perspective on your situation and I can only hope I am right. From what you have written about yourself and the way you have reacted post your affair, I seem to think that the problem lies in your having extremely low self esteem. This probably lead to your affair although you have not specifically mentioned the reason for it here. With low self esteem you probably need a lot of validation which may not have been forth coming within your marriage. A person in your situation is vulnerable and when some one like your ex AP chances upon such people they cannot but lick their chops in anticipation as they see a ready and willing victim for their nefarious plans. As your husband has already recognized, your ex AP sees people in your situation as 'meat'( How I hate that word).

 

If you recognize yourself as having low self esteem to a degree that is beyond your capability to recover from, then I suggest that you get psychiatric treatment including with the use of hypnosis so as to reveal the real reasons for this before you can start on a course of recovery. Counselors although very useful in most cases may not have the necessary where with all or depth of knowledge to handle complex cases such as yours. I know that psychiatric treatment can be costly but it may be your only road to successfully deal with your problem. I say this because you have stated that you have been attending IC for quite some time but have not yet over come the demons in your mind and are afraid that you may slip up again. In any case I wish you the very best in whatever path you choose to recover your self. Warm Wishes!

[Realist3]

Hey White Heart---you are right to wonder---what's up with your H

 

You can read all the posts, on all the sites---and only a tiny % of the betrayed's act like your H is acting

 

Yes many do go on to R---just as many go to D---but no matter what---they get a negative reaction from the betrayed----the negative reaction may take many different forms--and last for a short burst, or take a long time-----but very very very FEW---do nothing, and have no reaction---and even less, immediately trust, and forgive again---your H, talked to one person and just went back to life as it was----that is very weird!!!!!

 

I am not saying you need/should do anything outright---but I would keep an eye on your H---what he is doing is just not the normal reaction for a betrayed spouse

 

 

It was a few week EA with kisses. It amounts to little more than a crush that was slightly acted upon. I don't even consider it an affair.

[HopingAgain]

It was a few week EA with kisses. It amounts to little more than a crush that was slightly acted upon. I don't even consider it an affair.

 

This was exactly the case for WH and I, but sadly even just a few weeks and no more than a few kisses still hurts just like the full blown deal would. But it may be different for a man who is the BS when the affair hasn't gotten to the point of sex.

[WhiteHeart]

Just a Guy

Thanks for your post. I do have very low self esteem yes. I have pin pointed the origin back to when I was bullied. I am prone to very low moods where I just want my mind to stop. I think about running away & suicide more often than people around me realise.

 

I had had a particularly bad day and I ran into my exAP after work one day, I hadn't seen him for a long time and he asked me how I was and I just opened up. He just listened to me. We swapped numbers and he told me if I needed someone to talk to I should call him.

 

I didn't feel able to talk to my H or my family because I didn't want to worry them. I didn't want them to know I was feeling low again. I thought I was protecting them. They all went through so much, I wanted them to think I was getting better and I was ashamed to admit I still had low periods.

 

As for my therapist, it's only been very recently that I have accepted that the bullying is the point of origin for my problems. My PTSD went undiagnosed for years because I never revealed or admitted how much it affected me.

 

It's been a revelation to me that I have become self destructive because I have this belief that I am a bad person so therefore I must do bad things. I could never see it until I turned into something I despised.

 

My therapist had mentioned hypnosis to me before but the idea scared me, so we take a more CBT approach to therapy. She identified that I respond well to analysing myself. She is trying to teach me to do it in a more structured and productive way.

 

I have been assessed by many psychiatrists & mental health professionals over the years. I have been pushed between so many therapist all specialising in different types of therapy.

 

Realist3

I still cheated. It may not have been a full blown PA that lasted years but I still betrayed my H.

 

I know that my actions hurt my H, I realise that they must still do.

 

HopingAgain

My H was hurt yes, but he was more interested in the reasons for why I did it, what was my state of mind, how did I feel about my exAP, how did I feel about him.

 

I know that it has sounded like he has just accepted it and moved on but for a couple of weeks after DDay he pretty much interrogated me. He said he wanted to try and grasp the whole situation. I answered all his questions.

 

After all of that then said that he now wants to move on and draw a line under the whole thing and that he was sticking to his decision to forgive me.

[jnj express]

Hey Realist---maybe you don't care if your W/H--runs around kissing another, and trading texts professing who knows what---and it probably was prone toward love and passion, otherwise, why the kissing-----anyway---if my spouse were/was kissing another---the sh*t would have hit the fan, then and there

 

A "married" kissing with passion someone who is not their spouse IS A BIG DEAL---and it just leads to worse down the road---memories of the hot passionate kiss---stirs the pot bigtime