Jump to content

If you married your HS Sweetheart, did you just "settle"?

irc333

By irc333
in General Relationship Discussion

 Share
While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

irc333 Established Member

irc333

Posted
Posted

It kind of surprises me..maybe it's just this small town, but when I was younger and my female friends were getting married just around drinking age.....it was mostly to the guy the dated in High School.

 

I, of course, went off to college and started a new chapter in my life.

 

Some have remained married but I often wondered if these people just "settled' and not considered that options OTHER than theiR HS Sweet heart existed outside of that?

 

Like, I would recommend breaking up , esp. if you're going off to college and of course meeting even NEW and different members of the opposite sex. Why not at least give college dating a try and why struggle at the LDR when you probably both left Highs chool and went off to separate colleges living seperate lives? How can one not even be tempted to get a wandering eye as a freshman in college?

sillyanswer Established Member

sillyanswer

Posted
Posted

If they chose their path because they were in love or because it made them happy then they didn't settle.

  • Like 2
xxoo Established Member

xxoo

Posted
Posted

Isn't settling something people typically do after years of dating and not finding someone they really want?

 

I married my HS boyfriend because I was head over heels in love, and young and foolish enough to believe that love is all we needed :bunny:

  • Like 2
Xinreeki Established Member

Xinreeki

Posted
Posted

My parents first started dating in high school when they were 15, and have been happy together for over 45 years now! :)

 

So marrying your high school sweet heart can work out for some. :)

 

It kind of surprises me..maybe it's just this small town, but when I was younger and my female friends were getting married just around drinking age.....it was mostly to the guy the dated in High School.

 

I, of course, went off to college and started a new chapter in my life.

 

Some have remained married but I often wondered if these people just "settled' and not considered that options OTHER than theiR HS Sweet heart existed outside of that?

 

Like, I would recommend breaking up , esp. if you're going off to college and of course meeting even NEW and different members of the opposite sex. Why not at least give college dating a try and why struggle at the LDR when you probably both left Highs chool and went off to separate colleges living seperate lives? How can one not even be tempted to get a wandering eye as a freshman in college?

 

Also I think your question could easily be reversed, i.e. -

 

"Why break up with someone who you love and end a great relationship just because you think the grass might be greener on the other side?"

 

See.. works both ways, and all depends on the people involved and how strongly they feel about each other. :)

 

If you really love someone and are happy together, why end that merely because there is a possibility you could meet someone better?? :confused:

  • Like 1
Jane2011 Established Member

Jane2011

Posted
Posted

I didn't marry my high school sweetheart, (but I think about my senior year crush all the time; he's someone I still regard with fondness, in contrast to many of the past guys I liked about whom I now think 'what was I thinking?)

 

I do, however, know of a couple from my high school days who got married and are still married today. I'm not Facebook friends with them, but I've spied them before. I just checked, and according to dated pics, they're STILL married.

 

I think they're a great couple, though, and I'm happy for them. They're not the typical football jock married to no-life cheerleader girl. They were actually among the "very smart" crowd in school who were known and liked by the A-list, jocky, cheerleadery group, but on the fringes as the "smart people" type of popular. He went on to be a lawyer; I'm not sure what she is, but she was really smart then, in any case. They were down-to-earth and highly intelligent.

 

And no, I don't think it's settling if you're happy.

  • Like 1
Xinreeki Established Member

Xinreeki

Posted
Posted

 

And no, I don't think it's settling if you're happy.

 

I agree, someone is only "settling" IMO, if they're dating / marrying someone purely because they don't think they can do any better, and are secretly longing for someone else. :(

 

Of course there will always be shades of gray, and even people who are generally very happy together will have doubts at times, but if overall they're still very much in love and are satisfied with / happy in their relationship, then I don't think it can really be considered "settling" IMO.

JuneJulySeptember Established Member

JuneJulySeptember

Posted
Posted

I used to think those that got married early to the first one or to their high school sweetheart etc., were missing out.

 

Now, I know they are the lucky ones.

  • Like 1
Xinreeki Established Member

Xinreeki

Posted
Posted
I used to think those that got married early to the first one or to their high school sweetheart etc., were missing out.

 

Now, I know they are the lucky ones.

 

Yes, they are the lucky ones if they are truly happy in their relationship. :)

 

That kind of long term relationship happiness can be difficult to find / create... so yes, if they're found that early on, then they are very lucky. :)

JuneJulySeptember Established Member

JuneJulySeptember

Posted
Posted
Yes, they are the lucky ones if they are truly happy in their relationship. :)

 

That kind of long term relationship happiness can be difficult to find / create... so yes, if they're found that early on, then they are very lucky. :)

 

I meant it more in the sense they are lucky because they got to bypass the BS game of dating.

 

Of course, if you are attractive, and don't have to face rejection all the time, then I guess you wouldn't want to take the early one.

  • Like 1
iris219 Established Member

iris219

Posted
Posted

I wouldn't call it settling, but I would call it risky.

 

I believe you're more likely to eventually be unhappy if you marry young because the person you are at 18 is radically different than who you will be at 25--and you at 25 may not have chosen a relationship with the person you did at 18.

 

It's better to figure out who you are and what you want before committing to marriage. Our brains aren't even fully developed before 25, so marrying young is definitely taking a risk.

 

Some people make it work though.

  • Like 2
Xinreeki Established Member

Xinreeki

Posted
Posted
I meant it more in the sense they are lucky because they got to bypass the BS game of dating.

 

Of course, if you are attractive, and don't have to face rejection all the time, then I guess you wouldn't want to take the early one.

 

Dating doesn't have to be BS though. :(

 

I know there are a lot of bad experiences in life. I've had many bad dating experiences myself, with rejection and abuse. :( And yes some people are much luckier than others, especially if they find love early on.

 

But I think you're looking at dating the wrong way, because dating should be fun! :) It shouldn't be a "chore" :( You shouldn't have to suffer through frustration and incompatibility if you don't want to. :(

 

I would say its better to avoid dating until you feel "in the right frame of mind" for it, or else better to try and look at things in a positive way where possible, i.e. instead of saying -

 

"Hell, that woman is impossible to please and is soo bosy and demanding, why do I have to put up with that?!!:mad:",

 

Say...

 

"Right, we're clearly not compatible. So I'll keep looking and try and be happy on my own for now :)".

Xinreeki Established Member

Xinreeki

Posted
Posted
I wouldn't call it settling, but I would call it risky.

 

I believe you're more likely to eventually be unhappy if you marry young because the person you are at 18 is radically different than who you will be at 25--and you at 25 may not have chosen a relationship with the person you did at 18.

 

It's better to figure out who you are and what you want before committing to marriage. Our brains aren't even fully developed before 25, so marrying young is definitely taking a risk.

 

Some people make it work though.

 

Everything in life involves risks though..

 

I think it would also be taking a big risk to break up with someone you truly love, hoping someone better will come along, and then never find that kind of deep connection and compatibility again... :(

 

But yes, everyone is going to be different and have different perspectives. Still, I think it could be seen as risky either way, depending on the situation / how the people involved feel about the relationship, of course.

Els Established Member

Els

Posted
Posted

Like any other R, some do, and some don't.

 

It's not that hard to believe that some people only have a desire for one person when there are lots of attractive people of the opposite sex around. College is really not the only place where there are attractive men and women. ;) Going by that logic, aren't EVERYONE who commits to a long-term R of any sort 'settling' according to you?

 

There are no blanket rules that apply to everyone in life.

JuneJulySeptember Established Member

JuneJulySeptember

Posted
Posted
Dating doesn't have to be BS though. :(

 

 

It's not for everybody. But for some people it is.

 

The guys I know who struggled with women, they never got better at dating or getting women in general no matter how hard they tried. But they DID land one woman at the end.

iris219 Established Member

iris219

Posted
Posted
Everything in life involves risks though..

 

I think it would also be taking a big risk to break up with someone you truly love, hoping someone better will come along, and then never find that kind of deep connection and compatibility again... :(

 

But yes, everyone is going to be different and have different perspectives. Still, I think it could be seen as risky either way, depending on the situation / how the people involved feel about the relationship, of course.

 

It's not about thinking you can do better.

 

It's difficult to remain compatible with a person you met at 18. It's about outgrowing someone, which is likely to happen; it's about not having the emotional maturity it takes to maintain a marriage (which, admittedly, many older people don't have).

 

At 18, many people don't know what deep emotional connection and compatibility looks like. They don't understand how to resolve conflicts effectively. They don't know how to balance their own wants/needs with the wants/needs of another person. They don't understand that they are responsible for their own happiness, not their partner.

 

Many people need to grow up emotionally before they would be good candidates for marriage.

Els Established Member

Els

Posted
Posted
It's not about thinking you can do better.

 

It's difficult to remain compatible with a person you met at 18. It's about outgrowing someone, which is likely to happen; it's about not having the emotional maturity it takes to maintain a marriage (which, admittedly, many older people don't have).

 

At 18, many people don't know what deep emotional connection and compatibility looks like. They don't understand how to resolve conflicts effectively. They don't know how to balance their own wants/needs with the wants/needs of another person. They don't understand that they are responsible for their own happiness, not their partner.

 

Many people need to grow up emotionally before they would be good candidates for marriage.

 

Yes, but this isn't at all what the OP is saying...

  • Like 1
Xinreeki Established Member

Xinreeki

Posted
Posted
It's not about thinking you can do better.

 

It's difficult to remain compatible with a person you met at 18. It's about outgrowing someone, which is likely to happen; it's about not having the emotional maturity it takes to maintain a marriage (which, admittedly, many older people don't have).

 

At 18, many people don't know what deep emotional connection and compatibility looks like. They don't understand how to resolve conflicts effectively. They don't know how to balance their own wants/needs with the wants/needs of another person. They don't understand that they are responsible for their own happiness, not their partner.

 

Many people need to grow up emotionally before they would be good candidates for marriage.

 

Yes that may be true for some, even most, and I agree its better to spend a lot of time getting to know someone and yourself, before you sign up for marriage.

 

But I don't think everyone has to date around to know that the one they're with is the right one for them. :) Everyone is going to be different of course, but I think for some (like my parents who have been happy together for over 45 years!) who have found happiness and compatibility, they don't need to take any more risks, they don't need to date anyone else, because they already have a deep emotional connection with someone, and they don't want to jeopardize that. :)

  • Like 1
pink_sugar Established Member

pink_sugar

Posted
Posted

I married my first boyfriend that I met at 16, however, not a high school sweetheart since he was 6 years older...:p

Woggle Established Member

Woggle

Posted
Posted

It is certainly a recipe for disaster. The only people who can do this and not feel like they settled are maybe the Amish and other religious people who don't pay much attention to the outside world. The average person will become antsy by the time they hit their 30s or even younger.

xxoo Established Member

xxoo

Posted
Posted
Of course, if you are attractive, and don't have to face rejection all the time, then I guess you wouldn't want to take the early one.

 

Why would you think that? I didn't marry my first love because I lacked offers. And not every young person is focused on looks and getting hot sex partners.

 

I married my first love because I was completely in love with him. Young people can certainly fall in love.

 

Best decision I ever made (although I realize I was extremely lucky!)

  • Like 1
  • Author
irc333 Established Member

irc333

Posted
  • Author
Posted
"Why break up with someone who you love and end a great relationship just because you think the grass might be greener on the other side?"

 

Well, I 've actually known parents to encourage their teen kids to perhaps at least take a "break" from their HS sig. other which is usually encouraged by their transition to the college world.

 

I know of some people that hopped on the band wagon of getting married to their HS sweetheart just because everyone else was doing it. The relationships turned out to be like being roomates than a couple.

  • Like 1
ImperfectionisBeauty Established Member

ImperfectionisBeauty

Posted
Posted

I feel like they don't necessarily settle but maybe they are scared to find someone else or whatever, most of the time those marriages fail but idk if its settling necessarily

GoodOnPaper Established Member

GoodOnPaper

Posted
Posted

My parents were HS sweethearts, married at 19 and were together for over 45 years until my dad died. Their relationship seemed solid throughout their marriage.

 

A big upside to LTRs when young is having little or no baggage to get in the way of intimacy. My most intimate relationship -- in terms of being able to completely open up emotionally and physically -- was a 2-year R with a gf in college. By the time I met my wife, my struggles with navigating the meeting/attracting phase of dating had beaten me down pretty hard.

 

As has been mentioned, a big downside to LTRs when young is working through major life transitions -- usually school- and/or career-related. Transplanting a HS relationship into completely different life situations is difficult but certainly not impossible.

Xinreeki Established Member

Xinreeki

Posted
Posted
Well, I 've actually known parents to encourage their teen kids to perhaps at least take a "break" from their HS sig. other which is usually encouraged by their transition to the college world.

 

I know of some people that hopped on the band wagon of getting married to their HS sweetheart just because everyone else was doing it. The relationships turned out to be like being roomates than a couple.

 

Well yes, "hopping on the bandwagon" and doing something purely because "everyone else is doing it" is never a good idea!

 

But if you truly love the one you're with, then I don't see what is so bad about sticking with that person? :confused:

 

You seem to want to call all people who stick with their HS sweetheart as "settlers", but just as easily you could label all people who give up on their HS sweetheart as "quitters".

 

Don't get me wrong, I don't really think either label is appropriate as a catch all term for either group of people. But, I honestly do not see why one is better than the other.

 

Of course, it is a personal choice and everyone is going to be different, but if your relationship is going well, you are happy and very much in love, I don't see why you'd break your lover's heart, and risk losing them forever, just so you could date around and compare them to other people? :confused:

  • Like 1
Woggle Established Member

Woggle

Posted
Posted

I don't believe they are settling but it is almost a given these days that one of them will eventually catch GIGS. Back in the days this might have worked but it is a completely different ball game today.

 Share
Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...