swandive83 Posted June 20, 2013 Posted June 20, 2013 He saw me out yesterday and text me "hello". It was his first text since we ended things 3 weeks ago. I responded back, "hi :)" And then he called me a petname he had made for me. I decided not to respond to that because I didn't know if it was just breadcrumbs. But then his next text confused me. It was right after we literally passed by eachother and smiled. He texted, "I know 'we' didn't work out for you, but it's nice to see you." This text was confusing because HE'S the one that ended it, so what does he mean that it didn't work out for ME? I text back, "it was nice to see you too, have a wonderful day." To which he replied, "I was thinking of the great times we shared... wondered where it all went wrong, but thought it best to just tell you that I had a great time with you when we were together." Can anyone decipher this last line? So confused?
Confused_Soul_23 Posted June 20, 2013 Posted June 20, 2013 He is just seeing if you still care and have feelings. Making sure you are still available for him to fall back on. I wouldn't respond to him. I have been in NC since Saturday and it's so hard. I deleted her number and everthing after Saturday so I can't get in touch even if I wanted to. You should do the same. 3
Author swandive83 Posted June 20, 2013 Author Posted June 20, 2013 Thank you for responding. This has been driving me nuts because it seemed so cryptic and confusing. At first I thought it was a subliminal way of rejecting me again... sort of like, "I wanted to talk things through to figure out where things went wrong, but decided it's not worth it." But I do tend to overanalyze things that aren't direct. I wish he would've just said, "have a wonderful day, too" and left it at that. But now, I feel tempted to respond because it seems open-ended (or is that my imagination, too?)
TheWhitestRice Posted June 20, 2013 Posted June 20, 2013 Yeah he does sound like he's trying to stir something up again between you two by bringing up old, pleasant memories. From what you explained concerning him ending it and things not working out for you, it seems like you might still have feelings for him. I'd probably go NC also. He ended it for a reason. 1
Leigh 87 Posted June 20, 2013 Posted June 20, 2013 I am in the same position as you. They can say all they want about the good times, how much they miss us, how they will always remember us. It is still entirely different to them actually wanting to be with us. I mean humour him; nothing wrong with replying back with "have a wonderful day" and etc. There are RARE cases where, when ex boyfriends do reach out, they take a few messages back and fourth before they come outright and say "I want you back" No Contact is imperative, but yeah.. Personally, I did better by responding and figuring things out. By responding to them initially, it only reinforced for me that yes, they miss you. They love you as a person. They love talking to you still. They may be open to a future relationship down the track. It makes it loud and clear that: they do NOT want to be with you, in a committed relationship. Yet they missed you, they loved you, and they thought about the good times. It is all it means; that he thought about the good times together. It is so hard to just leave it at that! It seems like they may have second thoughts about leaving for good, when they throw breadcrumbs like that. Some people would have told you to ignore him and not even respond. Personally, I needed to test the waters when my ex showed up at my door, and texted me after another stint at No Contact. I needed to go around in circles, say hello, and hear the same old **** : I miss you, I love you like crazy, I love being around you. ....But I still do not want to just be WITH you. Now I know at least. I hope you have gotten to this stage... I am 1.5 months into the break up. I was not convinced at first, that he was not in love with me and did not want to be with me... It took me to answer his " bread crumbs" to asses the situation and realise that he just missed me. That is it. NEVER lead to him wanting to be with me again. I hope my story has helped you see that guys can say all those things, yet not want to get back together. I think it is best we move on. If they contact us again? Meh. It would probably just be because they want to be friends, or they miss you and want you in their lives to talk to, until they meet someone they actually want to be with. I wish you luck in ignoring him. Just think about the fact that, guys can miss you and yet not want to get back together. 3
Author swandive83 Posted June 20, 2013 Author Posted June 20, 2013 He was the one to officially end it, but I must admit that it might have been because I seemed unhappy with certain aspects of the relationship. But still he was the one to end it for good... which is why these texts are confusing. But if he wanted me back, he'd make it more obvious right? Or is he trying to see if it will work on my end? During our dating relationship he did mention a few times how he sometimes doesn't do things so that he can avoid "rejection". And in the very beginning of the relationship, he seemed to want to feel things out rather than just straight out ask me out, and he admitted this was because he didn't want to be rejected by me.
Author swandive83 Posted June 20, 2013 Author Posted June 20, 2013 I am in the same position as you. They can say all they want about the good times, how much they miss us, how they will always remember us. It is still entirely different to them actually wanting to be with us. I mean humour him; nothing wrong with replying back with "have a wonderful day" and etc. There are RARE cases where, when ex boyfriends do reach out, they take a few messages back and fourth before they come outright and say "I want you back" No Contact is imperative, but yeah.. Personally, I did better by responding and figuring things out. By responding to them initially, it only reinforced for me that yes, they miss you. They love you as a person. They love talking to you still. They may be open to a future relationship down the track. It makes it loud and clear that: they do NOT want to be with you, in a committed relationship. Yet they missed you, they loved you, and they thought about the good times. It is all it means; that he thought about the good times together. It is so hard to just leave it at that! It seems like they may have second thoughts about leaving for good, when they throw breadcrumbs like that. Some people would have told you to ignore him and not even respond. Personally, I needed to test the waters when my ex showed up at my door, and texted me after another stint at No Contact. I needed to go around in circles, say hello, and hear the same old **** : I miss you, I love you like crazy, I love being around you. ....But I still do not want to just be WITH you. Now I know at least. I hope you have gotten to this stage... I am 1.5 months into the break up. I was not convinced at first, that he was not in love with me and did not want to be with me... It took me to answer his " bread crumbs" to asses the situation and realise that he just missed me. That is it. NEVER lead to him wanting to be with me again. I hope my story has helped you see that guys can say all those things, yet not want to get back together. I think it is best we move on. If they contact us again? Meh. It would probably just be because they want to be friends, or they miss you and want you in their lives to talk to, until they meet someone they actually want to be with. I wish you luck in ignoring him. Just think about the fact that, guys can miss you and yet not want to get back together. Wow. I'm sorry that you are going through this. You seem quite strong though, so that's good, and you're inspiring others at the same time. I guess there's part of me that can not accept that it's completely over, even though we haven't spoken (up until these last few texts) for 3 weeks. I get it now... the whole "breadcrumbs" idea. It's so little a few texts typed out in about few seconds... and yet, it creates this idea in a person's head... makes you wonder and think... and for some, makes them make contact. I don't want to contact him... I think that's what he wants. He was a bit controlling and manipulative, and he's older, so I feel like he knows what he's doing. He could have easily replied, "have a good day too." and let bygones be bygones. He wanted to stir things up.... I probably should delete his contact info. 1
TheWhitestRice Posted June 20, 2013 Posted June 20, 2013 Yeah, it's possible that he's just trying to get a feel for where you stand at this moment in time. Were you actually unhappy, or was it just something that he misconceived? I do agree, however, that if he really wants you back, he will make it evident sooner or later. Leigh makes a good point about how he only mentioned the good; he might have been reminiscing. It's hard to tell. It doesn't seem like such a bad idea to entertain a conversation; but that's opening a whollllle can of worms. I figure if someone wants you badly enough, they'll make an effort. Otherwise you're just playing along in the game, and someone will lose that game; with him not having a booty call/option, or you being led on. 1
Author swandive83 Posted June 20, 2013 Author Posted June 20, 2013 Yeah, it's possible that he's just trying to get a feel for where you stand at this moment in time. Were you actually unhappy, or was it just something that he misconceived? I do agree, however, that if he really wants you back, he will make it evident sooner or later. Leigh makes a good point about how he only mentioned the good; he might have been reminiscing. It's hard to tell. It doesn't seem like such a bad idea to entertain a conversation; but that's opening a whollllle can of worms. I figure if someone wants you badly enough, they'll make an effort. Otherwise you're just playing along in the game, and someone will lose that game; with him not having a booty call/option, or you being led on. There were things that honestly did (and would still) make me unhappy... and the night before he ended it, I had expressed them to him, hoping that we could either reach a compromise or an understanding. But he got defensive and wanted to end the conversation immediately. The next day he wanted to discuss things, but I wasn't available to talk and so he ended it via email. You're right though, since he ended it, if he really wanted me back, he would have made an effort... not just sent some reminiscing texts.
TheWhitestRice Posted June 20, 2013 Posted June 20, 2013 Sorry to hear that you got burned through an e-mail. It does seem like he just wants the goods again. He wasn't willing to compromise then, but now he's trying to stir up your feelings. I would go NC, you'll find someone more fit for you who won't play games. Don't get dragged in again!
Leigh 87 Posted June 20, 2013 Posted June 20, 2013 Look, you have to either ASK him outright " look, I miss you. I thought we could have worked things out. It sucks that we have to just move on. I have enough love for you to want o try again with you. Anyways, take care. I am not ready to be friends yet, so please respect that and stop texting and calling me. Or go No Contact and forget about him. I went with the first option, and learnt that he does not want to be with me; the breadcrumbs were down to the fact that he DID feel strongly about me and loved having me around as a person, and therefore it was VERY hard for him to just walk away and shut the door forever, at first. did not want to BE with me in a committed relationship. But only ever mention it once; a simple " Hey.. Well I wished we could have worked things out. I love you enough to try. Anyways, I wish you well" If he does not agree with you, and say he does not want to let you go, then LEAVE IT. I stayed around too long in my scenario, because they said they loved me and missed me and were not sure they wanted to be done with us forever. ................................................. Look, I understand that some guys are not quiet sure about things. Or they ARE sure, but miss us a lot, and it is easier ON THEM if they have us around. Until they get over us and move on to a girl they ARE in love with enough to be with. It is not our job to stick around while they gush about their feelings. Good for them if they thought of the good old times! So what though!? It is over, and you either have to ask them outright how they feel about things, or just leave it and go strict No Contact. .................................................... I had to do option one: outright telling them that I thought it was a shame to move on, when I feel we could have worked on being happy together. I had to do option one, to move on to strict No Contact. So either ask him how he feels, or move on. And remember to NOT agree to have him in your life in ANY way, if he just wants to tell you about how much he misses you and how much he loves you. No Commitment = no hope. It is just them missing us and wanting to text and talk, until THEY are over us.
Author swandive83 Posted June 20, 2013 Author Posted June 20, 2013 I don't think I will ask him if he wants to try again. If he wants to try again, he should be the one to initiate it because he's the one that ended things (however this might be the confusing part because his first text to me that broke our 3 week silence, made mention of things not working out for ME - as if I was the one who ended it, which I didn't). The thing that makes me realize that he was just reminiscing and didn't want to strike anything back up was the fact that he only contacted me when he saw me in person. The 3 weeks of NC we didn't see each other. So just seeing me may have triggered something in his mind. But it sucks if someone only thinks of you when they see you.... I want much more than that.
Leigh 87 Posted June 20, 2013 Posted June 20, 2013 Trust me mate, I had to screw up in order to move forward. And even now, I will be at GREAT danger of screwing things up. I need to be well into No Contact and therapy, before I am in the clear. I would have moved on WAY more by now, had I just gone strict No Contact. Yet, I got sucked into them telling me things like (and watch out for these things if your ex says them) " I miss you so much" '' I still love you" " darling, baby, bub, and they will still use whatever pet names they once used. Even if they do not normally do it to girls readily and your the first girl they did it to. " I want to just hang out and see where things go. I am not ruling anything out. If we change for the better, we will get back together. Maybe" " I have not hooked up nor do I want other girls anytime soon" '' I am not sure I want to just let you go for good" " Sometimes, I am not sure I want you to get over me" ......................................................................................... My ex showed up at MY FLAT. Telling me he was not sure he wanted me to get over him. That he needed to hold me in bed at night. IT MEANS NOTHING. Seriously. They just tend to miss us. Some guys really do miss their ex girlfriends. Terribly. PLEASE, if you need to get more clarity as to what his intentions are, PLEASE ask just ONCE. I went around and around in circles. ............................................................... The first time I told him this: " I love you, I am willing to work things out, I have enough love for you and enough of a will to work things out with us" I should have left it. There is no need to talk to them again after this. No need to indulge them with their " I miss you" texts.
Author swandive83 Posted June 20, 2013 Author Posted June 20, 2013 I see. Thank you for your advice. May I ask... how did you respond when he would text you "I miss you" and such?
chulamama74 Posted June 20, 2013 Posted June 20, 2013 Swandive83 I'm rooting for you. I've been in NC for 2 weeks and 2 days now:D. I am now starting to realize he wasn't that perfect for me after all, but I have my crazy moments where I want him back and just hold him and kiss him. I'm staying strong though. If he just texted to say hi, I think it would give me a little power back, because now all I think is he doesn't care about me at all, which makes me sad because it makes me doubt my worth....I know!! I know!!! Only WE can validate how good WE are. So stay strong for all of us!!! Keep us posted, I'm very curious about your Ex's next move
Author swandive83 Posted June 21, 2013 Author Posted June 21, 2013 Swandive83 I'm rooting for you. I've been in NC for 2 weeks and 2 days now:D. I am now starting to realize he wasn't that perfect for me after all, but I have my crazy moments where I want him back and just hold him and kiss him. I'm staying strong though. If he just texted to say hi, I think it would give me a little power back, because now all I think is he doesn't care about me at all, which makes me sad because it makes me doubt my worth....I know!! I know!!! Only WE can validate how good WE are. So stay strong for all of us!!! Keep us posted, I'm very curious about your Ex's next move Hi Chulamama, The sad thing is that I don't think we would have ever sent me a text if he didn't see me that day in person. Which is sort of sad because it's like I never ran through his mind for the 3 weeks we didn't speak, because if I did, he might have texted me. I too have those moments where I just daydream about him, but I realize that he's not a good fit for me... and actually wasn't that great of a person. The saddest thing out of all of this is that I think he has badmouthed me to our mutual group of friends... they are different around me now Oh, regrets....
chulamama74 Posted June 21, 2013 Posted June 21, 2013 Swandive I think you should ask them directly, that way you know for sure if he's talking crap about you. If he hasn't, then nothing has changed, and if he did, then you know the kind of person he truly is. I also get a little sad to think that I haven't crossed my ex's mind at all. I hate thinking that he's probably seeing somebody new. He looks like a model, has a great job and is super smart. He can get any woman he wants...Ahh!!!! I have a date tonight, don't want to go, but I think I need the ego boost....silly, I know. I Let me know what you find out with your mutual friends. I don't think you should let that in the air
Leigh 87 Posted June 21, 2013 Posted June 21, 2013 I see. Thank you for your advice. May I ask... how did you respond when he would text you "I miss you" and such? Well, initially, before I cut him off and went No Contact, I would reply with "miss you too. Damn it, obviously I want to work things out with u as I have a lot of love for you and thought we could work well together, minus our personal issues" To which he would agree with " Leigh 87, I want to be with you, but honestly, I do not think love is enough to make either of us ready to be in a relationship" We both have severe enough issues that, he believed, needed working outside a relationship, since the issues made our relationship toxic (when we got along great and we both felt that we would have been wonderfully happy, without our personal issues). So it would go around and around in circles. The Rhianna song STAY sums us up 100%. Around in circles we went. For over a month after the break up. HE would say " I miss you, I love you, I want to be with u...................... MINUS our issues" He would not let go and fully move on from me. He was not in the state to date others or even hook up, as he was putting himself too much on ME. Yet he would not be with me, as he does not think personal issues dissolve overnight. He wanted to spend time together to see if we could work through out issues BEFORE getting back into a relationship. ........................................ That is where I am at. I ended up having to ignore his texts and calls. I got sick of hearing how a guy loves me and misses me and wants to be with me, yet obviously does not love me quiet ENOUGH to just go against all odds and get back together to at least TRY to work through issues together. It is over either way. No matter what they have to say about it. If they are not begging for another chance, they are essentially letting you go. I am going on a date next week. Then I am going overseas and will probably casually hook up once with one guy. These guys cannot expect us to stick around while they determine whether they love us ENOUGH to need to be with us again. They probably do not love us ENOUGH, since they let us go. I DO believe men who are IN love CAN let women go, if there are serious personal issues or serious that make a relationship unhealthy. However, the deepest type of love? The sort of love WE want? Well, I think these guys would not let us go at all if they felt THAT love. Not that they will go out and find it easily, as that love is indeed rare and hard to find. Basically: we should not settle for men who throw us massive breadcrumbs. They may love us but, it is very unlikely they will actually have a revelation that they want to be with us again. It will likely be the case that, they will see us around and text. Or they will add us on facebook, after we blocked them, because they are bored. He probably would not have even texted you, had he not seen you out.
chulamama74 Posted June 22, 2013 Posted June 22, 2013 Leigh You're right. No more breadcrumbs. We deserve to be truly loved. 1
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