Sugarbee456 Posted June 20, 2013 Posted June 20, 2013 My boyfriend and I were together for 5 and a half years. 10 weeks ago after an argument he packed up his stuff and moved out of my house. I tried to give him space, tried to convince him to come back, things will be different, etc. and it hasn't worked. So, I have pulled back a bit and held on to hope that things would come together for us. During this time I would initiate texts and keep it light and funny, and he would respond. I started asking him to do stuff and he would try so hard to be nice and reject me so I wouldn't be hurt more. The problem is, I held on to his genuine caring ways as hope that he still wanted to be with me. He came here tonight and told me he is so sick of constantly hurting me and sees that I cling to whatever words he says to me, looking for any little crumb to hold onto. Before when I asked him if we would ever get back together he woud say "I need to focus on my own issues so no I don't want to get back together right now." I heard "not right now" and felt optimistic - maybe later?! But he said he didn't know when or if and could not keep me holding on and giving false hope in case nothing ever did happen. He said that he thinks his niceness was leading me on and that he thinks that no contact and telling me there is no hope for us ever getting back together is the only way to get me to stop holding on. I can't stop crying. I don't even know how to pick myself up and continue on.
scorpio1978 Posted June 20, 2013 Posted June 20, 2013 As hard as NC is, I PROMISE you, it's for the best. What I mean by this is that this man who you lived with needs to experience more from life before he can ever consider getting back together. I will not lie. You have a tough road ahead of you and it might be a long one, but even 5 minutes if pain like this can feel like too much. So, that is not saying much. For your benefit, I hope you don't suffer too much, but know that everyone goes through this, unless you are a sociopath. Keeping texts light and funny and witty was a good idea. There was no desperation it seems from you, which is a total deal breaker. But a much better plan is to not have contact at all. I knoooow how much it hurts. But, if there is any hope what-so-ever, he needs to see what his life is like without you. He needs to process things on his own and have an opportunity to miss you and build up desire again. There is no way to do this if you are still in his life. No way at all. Talk to someone. Post things here. Get it out. There is likely nothing anyone can say that will make the pain go away, but every little bit can help until you are able to stand on your own. There will be many stages: shock, denial, hope, isolation, anger, depression, but they are all necessary steps to get to the one you need to be at which is indifference. There is no fast-forward with grief. take time to yourself, grieve. If you want to lay in pajamas all day, eat ice cream, process everything, then do it. But keep that time as limited as possible. You need to come up with a plan. A plan to get up, shower, get out of the house, spend time with friends. Whatever you need to do, do it. You need to live well and take care of yourself. 6
hinatticus Posted June 20, 2013 Posted June 20, 2013 Silver lining time? At least he's being honest and trying to be nice. He seems to care about your feelings. That's more than what most dumpees get. Good luck 1
TheWhitestRice Posted June 20, 2013 Posted June 20, 2013 I agree with Scorpio; you need to get out there and focus on you. He needs to explore himself, and you should take the oppurtunity to do the same. It won't do you any good to sit inside all day. Get out there with some friends and just hang out. It's always nice to have good company to distract you.
Hopeinme Posted June 20, 2013 Posted June 20, 2013 Hugs*** we are always here for you on LS, keep writing on here and we will go through this painful journey with you! It will be okie, it gets worse begore it gets better! Xxx
HopelessRomantick Posted June 20, 2013 Posted June 20, 2013 Yes Scorpio is right, get outside! And take care of yourself and do the next right thing.... eat, sleep, shower, etc.
Leigh 87 Posted June 20, 2013 Posted June 20, 2013 I am so sorry about what you're going through. Your ex sounded very sure of what he wanted, but ;you got false hope from him, because he was extra nice to you. Saying " not right now" about the relationship also piqued your interest, and you did not let go of that notion... I read stories like yours, and as sad as they are, they actually have prevented me from getting into contact with my ex..... My ex also said " not right now, but I am not ruling it out" or he would plain say " I am not sure I want you to get over me" Guess what? He does want me to get over him. They only say that for reasons unrelated to them wanting to get back together with us. In my case, the dude missed me terribly and found it hard to live without me. And once felt so strongly about me. It is hard for some men in some beak ups, to outright think to themselves that "this is final. This is forever". He could have said it because he felt it was too severe to just say it was over for good and "never again" would there be a chance. It actually sounds like in your case, he was just a nice guy... He was nice to you, and when you asked about getting back together he said " not now".... as just a term. It was a way of saying " no". He just used the words "not now". It could have also been a combination of him being upset at losing you and not wanting to admit to himself that he never wanted to get back together with you. Or maybe he is just not sure what he future holds. Whatever the reason he said "not now" to your question, it is crystal clear that he WANTS you to move on. I am really sorry to say this, but there is really no hope here. For a reconciliation. Even if he likes you a lot, he is letting you go. To get over him. Only in the movies and very rarely in real life, do guys leave a woman, only to realise, later on, that they " are still in love with them" and "want to be with them again" It just does not happen. In real life. Please stay strong, stick with No Contact, and move on.
Author Sugarbee456 Posted June 21, 2013 Author Posted June 21, 2013 Thanks for your replies. I think I need to expand: When I asked him what "not right now" meant, he sort of scrambled. I said, "ofcourse that would give me hope because you're not saying never again!" He said he's going through a lot of emotional issues with work and his friends and me and he can't focus on a relationship right now. He said he feels depressed and messed up inside. I told him I was misreading his niceness and he said he can't keep hurting me because it hurts him when I'm hurt. This is when I said, "So you don't want to get back to together with me EVER AGAIN?" and he wouldn't say it and wouldn't say it, then finally said, "if that's what it takes for you to heal and feel better fine, no, never again." He said "maybe if you were in a different stage of healing I could say "not right now" and you wouldn't cling to it so tightly." He told me he's using this time to feel better, he's not out picking up girls and doing that sort of stuff, he's just trying to work on some stuff. This is why I don't really buy that he truly means it and that there is no hope. He wants me to stop hurting so much because he told me that he still loves and cares about me but he has to take care of himself right now. Regardless, I understand that I have to take care of me. I can't text him anymore with the devastating crying "I miss you" and "I need you" because he is going through so many other issues besides our breakup. I don't think losing hope is the right thing to do, but I don't think putting my life on hold is either....thoughts?
hinatticus Posted June 21, 2013 Posted June 21, 2013 You can do what I did. I kept a sliver of hope while working extra hard on myself. Eventually as enough time passes and you're strong enough you'll let go of that hope. Then out of nowhere when you've both dated others your ex will come back. At least that's what happened to me. Every case is different though. 1
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