ikkyu Posted June 20, 2013 Posted June 20, 2013 (edited) Hi. My wife and I have been together for 12 years and we have a 3 year old son. Our relationship's been fairly strong over the years, but there have been issues that have been left to fester because neither of us wanted to confront them. A few months ago, my wife decided that she wasn't happy in her life and that she wanted to make some changes. She's starting up an in-home daycare (something she's talked about for years), she's spending more time with her friends. And six weeks ago, she told me that she was thinking of ending our relationship. She said that she wasn't happy and that each of us needed to make changes if we were going to go forward. The changes she mentioned were ones that I wanted to make as well. She kept saying that she just wanted to be happy. But the one thing that bothered me more than anything else was that she has said a number of times that she "needs to figure herself out" and that this is a process where she won't know what she'll feel at the end. I love her more than anything (except my son) and this kills me because I could change in the way she wants and be there for her to help her transition to running this daycare, and all of that and it may not matter. Every account of a partner saying she "needs to figure herself out" that I can find ends with the couple breaking up. I'm naturally a pessimistic person, so this doesn't give me a lot of hope. The one hope I have in this is that, in many of those cases, there's a physical separation, which hasn't been the case with my wife. We're still living together, we do things together, and aside from some emotional issues right after the Talk, things are going much better. But does anyone know of situations where one person "has to find themself" and it works out for the couple? Thanks. Edit: I was debating whether this goes in "break ups" or "divorce" but since it was sort of a general question, I thought it might not really matter. Sorry. Edited June 20, 2013 by ikkyu
coaches24 Posted June 20, 2013 Posted June 20, 2013 Hi. My wife and I have been together for 12 years and we have a 3 year old son. Our relationship's been fairly strong over the years, but there have been issues that have been left to fester because neither of us wanted to confront them. A few months ago, my wife decided that she wasn't happy in her life and that she wanted to make some changes. She's starting up an in-home daycare (something she's talked about for years), she's spending more time with her friends. And six weeks ago, she told me that she was thinking of ending our relationship. She said that she wasn't happy and that each of us needed to make changes if we were going to go forward. The changes she mentioned were ones that I wanted to make as well. She kept saying that she just wanted to be happy. But the one thing that bothered me more than anything else was that she has said a number of times that she "needs to figure herself out" and that this is a process where she won't know what she'll feel at the end. I love her more than anything (except my son) and this kills me because I could change in the way she wants and be there for her to help her transition to running this daycare, and all of that and it may not matter. Every account of a partner saying she "needs to figure herself out" that I can find ends with the couple breaking up. I'm naturally a pessimistic person, so this doesn't give me a lot of hope. The one hope I have in this is that, in many of those cases, there's a physical separation, which hasn't been the case with my wife. We're still living together, we do things together, and aside from some emotional issues right after the Talk, things are going much better. But does anyone know of situations where one person "has to find themself" and it works out for the couple? Thanks. Edit: I was debating whether this goes in "break ups" or "divorce" but since it was sort of a general question, I thought it might not really matter. Sorry. Don't know the answer to your question but I am in a very similar situation with my wife. We have started MC and go for the 2nd time tomorrow actually. My wife has told me she isn't ready to give up on us yet so I have some hope but things definitely aren't good right now and we are coming up on 3 months since she told me how unhappy she has been. But I have heard the "I need to find myself" and "I don't know what I want" crap as well through this. But my wife has not been able to answer me when I ask what she wants me to change or do.
Author ikkyu Posted June 20, 2013 Author Posted June 20, 2013 (edited) One suggestion I had gotten was to set a date a set time in the future and not to make any decisions about our relationship until then. I suggested 3 months, which would be August 1st. We agreed to see how things were going and if they weren't sufficiently better, we'd try MC. When she first told me how she felt, I told her that it sounded to me like she had already decided to leave but that she hadn't yet been able to convince herself that it was a good idea. She said this wasn't true. But, despite hoping she's right, I'm pessimistic about this. It's been an emotional rollercoaster for me. Some days I feel good about our relationship and things in general and some days I feel like my heart is being torn up. It doesn't help that I'm not sleeping enough at night. It's not uncommon for me to wake up distraught and not be able to get back to sleep for hours, if at all. And at the same time, I'm conflicted about even telling her about all this. When we do talk about our relationship, it goes until late at night and we both end up feeling awful. Up until last night, I hadn't brought it up at all for two weeks because of all the stress she's going through between changing jobs, putting together our son's birthday party, and other things. Edited June 20, 2013 by ikkyu
notbroken Posted June 20, 2013 Posted June 20, 2013 I can tell you from my own experience that being in a relationship in which someone is only '1/2 in' is horrible. In my case, it did eventually lead to divorce after years of misery. Honestly, I sincerely hope you are able to 'fix it or break it'. Limbo sucks. If I were in a similar situation I would state my position clearly (as in "I love you. I want to be married to you. I'm going to be the best man I can. At the same time, I want the same from you. If you are unable to give me that, then let me know as soon as possible though I think you will find the grass on the other side may just be weeds"). I personally will never stay in a loveless relationship for long ever again. Life is too short. Best wishes.
2.50 a gallon Posted June 20, 2013 Posted June 20, 2013 I have heard the same story many times in my life, and it is not always the wife. Sometimes it is a MLC, sometimes they want to try some body new. Make sure she is not talking to somebody else. And if it comes down to her wanting to separate, she moves out not you, and on her own dollar.
73Fras Posted June 20, 2013 Posted June 20, 2013 My sthxh has been looking for himself for over 10 mths now... I am still not sold its not a MLC but no longer care to figure out what it is since at the end of the day, he doesn't want to be married anymore, he is enjoying his freedom and to be honest, there are many parts of this new life I am also enjoying. I miss being married but don't like the "new" him
Author ikkyu Posted June 20, 2013 Author Posted June 20, 2013 2 things: 1. It's not loveless. Except for the times we are talking about our relationship, things go fairly well. I'm happier, and she says... well... she says she's not sure and won't commit to an answer. At the same time, we do a lot of things for each other and help the other out. And she's always shown love by doing things for people. So... I don't know. We're halfway through this 3 month thing and I asked how she thought things were going and the answer I always get is "There are still improvements to make. But it's getting better." And she does go out of her way to thank me and say that she appreciates the changes I've made. And I have said almost word-for-word what you said. 2. She is talking to someone else. She became friends with a guy when we were having a really rough time and she hangs out with him. However, I hang out with single female friends, some of whom I'm very close to. So it would be hypocritical of me to criticize her too much. And when I've asked, she assures me that she's not interested in him romantically and I'm doing all I can to believe her. Despite all our issues over the years, she's never given me any concern that she's cheated on me. All that might be justification, but at the end of the day, I want to be able to say that I tried and did everything I could think of to make it work. I grew up with a lot of kids whose parent's were divorced and saw how much it messed them up sometimes. More than anything else, I want to avoid that for my son. It's the non-commitment that's really killing me. Just not knowing. I'm not sure what's going to happen on August 1st. Hopefully something positive. I already discussed going to MC with her if she's still not happy at that point, but if we decide to give it another length of time before making a judgement, I might ask to make it a lot longer.
Author ikkyu Posted June 20, 2013 Author Posted June 20, 2013 One question: I'm really new here. What do the letters MLC & sthxh stand for? I've figured out some of the abbreviations, but not all.
73Fras Posted June 20, 2013 Posted June 20, 2013 MLC is mid life crisis STBXH is soon to be ex-husband
coaches24 Posted June 20, 2013 Posted June 20, 2013 My wife is the same as far as non committal. The only absolute answer she has given me is that she doesn't want to give up on us. Otherwise the best I can get for an answer from her is that maybe she's going through a MLC. I have been setting more boundaries with her and calling her out when she crosses those but otherwise nothing has really changed in the last 3 months. Our MC session today will be interesting to say the least. I'm fed up with how things are and it either needs to change or its going to end. 2 things: 1. It's not loveless. Except for the times we are talking about our relationship, things go fairly well. I'm happier, and she says... well... she says she's not sure and won't commit to an answer. At the same time, we do a lot of things for each other and help the other out. And she's always shown love by doing things for people. So... I don't know. We're halfway through this 3 month thing and I asked how she thought things were going and the answer I always get is "There are still improvements to make. But it's getting better." And she does go out of her way to thank me and say that she appreciates the changes I've made. And I have said almost word-for-word what you said. 2. She is talking to someone else. She became friends with a guy when we were having a really rough time and she hangs out with him. However, I hang out with single female friends, some of whom I'm very close to. So it would be hypocritical of me to criticize her too much. And when I've asked, she assures me that she's not interested in him romantically and I'm doing all I can to believe her. Despite all our issues over the years, she's never given me any concern that she's cheated on me. All that might be justification, but at the end of the day, I want to be able to say that I tried and did everything I could think of to make it work. I grew up with a lot of kids whose parent's were divorced and saw how much it messed them up sometimes. More than anything else, I want to avoid that for my son. It's the non-commitment that's really killing me. Just not knowing. I'm not sure what's going to happen on August 1st. Hopefully something positive. I already discussed going to MC with her if she's still not happy at that point, but if we decide to give it another length of time before making a judgement, I might ask to make it a lot longer.
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