I am just not who I want to be...Nothing in life is how I imagined it...

[LostinLifeGal]

Hello,

 

I am a 34 year old woman. I was born in the US but my parents are originally from India. I have been married for over 10 years and have a 1 year old son. I desperately need some advice or guidance...

 

I feel like nothing in my life is really right and that I'm totally living thr wrong existence. I've felt like this for a very long time. Everything..marriage, family, career, where I live... All wrong and not me... The only thing that I feel is right is my son, whom I love immensely!

 

Let me try to explain without this being a novel. I grew up in a very messed up family. My parents fought and my dad frequently physically abused my mom. No one ever laid a hand on me, though. My dad adored me, actually... So basically I became my mother's anchor. My brother, who was 6 years older than me, was a chicken and would just push me forward to deal with my parents issues and get in between them. I did... I grew up too fast. My job was just supporting my mother and being her best friend. I even met my now-husband through her. He was her childhood best friend's son. I met him when I was 14. No, it was not fully arranged or anything. We started dating when I was like 18, and we really liked each other... He is 5 years older than me. But because I was my mommy's "anchor" and best friend, I did not realize that she was narcissistic, and basically had a borderlinline personality disorder. She could not stand the loss of control over me as I grew up and tried to establish my own life. I wont go into too much detail but her behavior involved fake illnesses, rages, etc. I was TERRIFIED of her rages... To the extent that she ruined the first five years of my marriage by making it about HER.

 

I was so terrified of her, that I could not focus on my marriage. Though my husband and i loved each other, we just didnt have a happy base. At one point, I even made a suicide attempt because I couldnt take my life anymore and just living in fear of my mother. We never had a normal marriage beecause of all this stuff my mom put us through. A normal physical relationship was not established because we were always stressed. We barely ever had sex and when we did it was very awkward...

 

I got a lot of therapy and got a better handle on the situation with my mother only after we were married for about 6 years. I was also diagnosed with MS, honestly, because of the stress I think!! We so lost the habit of having sex that when we finally got around to wanting a baby, we had to through artifical means because my husband could not perform with me at all. I had two miscarriages. I gave up on artifical means, and actually got pregnant by SELF inseminating through a syringe (using my husband's sperm) at home. He went to the doc, took meds for testosterone etc, but nothing helped. Though he loved me, due to my mom's stuff, he was just turned off by me. He didnt understand why I couldnt just confront her. He came from a normal family. Doesnt work that easily in mine...So he always blamed me. That is where my marriage is. We are in counseling. We dont have sex. We love each other but there is ZERO passion, romance or intimacy. My husband is honestly kind of a "know it all" too and I am constantly criticized for the way I do things. I try my best to live up to his idea of a good wife by doing the best I can as a mother, cooking, organizing etc. But natually, I am not attuned to being very organized etc, but he is. We are just very different, but he gets very irritated with me constantly.

 

He is very successful in his career. I am a lawyer by profession. I worked in it for 5 years but I absolutely hated it, because I ended u in the wring career due to family pressure. I am a creative. I am home now with my baby, trying to figure out what to do with myself because I DO want to work and feel productive but I want to do something I actually like. I am actually an extremely bright person. I did start an entertainment production company with a partner a few years ago and wrote and produced a stage show that ran for 3 years. Unfortunately, very difficult to make a profit and hard to do with a baby now... So I am trying to find my path...

 

My dream has always been to move to a different state as my parents. I want to know what its like to breathe air that is far away from them. I always feel better when I am far away. I want a new life. A new beginning. Its even worse now, because I see them ALL the time because my momn is STUCK on my son... She is obsessed with him, the way she was with me and it scares me... It frightens me that he will grow up around her influence. Thats another reason I have always wanted to move.

 

My husband doesnt get this. He has a great job. We have a gorgeous home in an upscale neighborhood. To him, I should be happy. But here I am, very unsatisfied with my life. I feel like I am stuck. I am married to man who is like a "parent." He takes care of me, but we have no intimacy. I dont even know what its like to make love. I have such little self esteem. I feel unattractive because if your own husband doesnt have sex with you, how would you feel? Other men would compliment me and I feel like my husband doesnt even notice me. We are in therapy... But how long? Then I have no idea what to do with my career. I feel useless. I feel like nothing that I wanted to achieve in my life is happening. I am a suburban housewife whose husband doesnt look at her romantically due to past issues. I am attorney who should never have been one. I am jailed in a mansion, even though I would be much happier living in an apartment in a brand new city for a good start. I am constantly trying to draw boundaries with my mom, and often failing. My life is passing me by and though I try to adjust and live it, I feel empty. I am in therapy, and I am on Lexapro also. I feel like I am good mother. But that;s about it. I told my husband if he didnt want to move, maybe we could do it temporarilty? Like if I got a GREAT job in another city just so I could get a break from here, he could transfer? But any good opportunities I might have, my husband can't relocate to those cities... So I just feel stuck in my life. The only thing that keeps me going is that I HAVE to do because of my son. I want to give him a great and stable life with lots of fun. I try to do that and I am doing well with that. But I need more of an existence and satisfaction for myself too... Please give me some advice. Thank you for reading!

[Weezy1973]

I can feel your pain through your writing. What a tough way to live. I don't have a lot of advice because there are so many layers to your story. The only thing I will say is this - this is your only life. To live a truly full life (which will inevitably include ups and downs) you MUST live authentically. You have to stop caring what other people think and stop feeling the weight of their expectations. You have to start living by your own values to the fullest. It is absolutely the only way.

[Adele0908]

I think the main issue is that you are unhappy, and your unhappiness stems from unresolved issues with your parents. It seems like your life has been about pleasing other people. Now you realize that you have to please yourself. Most people live to gain other people's approval, such as their parents, so that is not unusual.

 

As a lawyer, I would imagine that you have to suppress your emotions. I hope you realize noe how important it is to feel your emotions and not suppress them. Antidepressant medication may help you get through life, but can prevent you from feeling the necessary highs and lows, and as much as people are afraid to feel the lows, they are necessary for you to get to the "highs".

 

I am not an expert, but I am in a similar boat. I chose a career path because of what my parents told me, even though it was not my first choice.

 

Looking back, I see what a mistake that was.

 

I would advise that you start keeping a journal, at the very least. Write down how you feel as much as you can.

 

Also, see if you can explore things that you like. If you like plays, see if you can start going to plays and watching them. Watch and enjoy plays until you are ready to write more plays of your own. Try to do something new every day. Do something you are afraid of every day. It will help to build your confidence.

 

Also, speak up for yourself. If you disagree with your mom on something, say so. Be honest about how you feel. Simply standing up to her can release some of your frustration. You can disagree with her and still be respectful. I have overbearing parents as well. I am 29 and am only now starting to stand up to them, and it has helped in many areas of my life. Now i feel a lot more free to be myself. I also started doing things that I was afraid to do. You can't change other people, only yourself. Work on loving yourself and being true to yourself.

Read books on it if you have to. Your happiness IS important.

And if you feel you need someone to talk to who really understands, seek counseling or therapy. Talk it out. Just like you're doing here.