loosingme31 Posted June 20, 2013 Posted June 20, 2013 (edited) Please don't judge. I met my fiancé online and dated long distance for 6 months. My daughter and I left Texas to move in with him in Indiana. He does everything for us, pay the bills, created a new room for my daughter, financed a car for me, his parents love me and I like them. He is very reliable.He treats my daughter great and she likes him a lot. However, he gets down easily, Like if I don't like something he does and I say it, he huff and puffs and constantly apologizes. He gets easily overwhelmed and I am constantly having to ask him if he is alright. Sometimes he micromanages me. My daughter often ask me if he is annoyed because his face looks so upset. I often push back and call him a lot of horrible names and threaten to leave him which makes him cry. I love him but I know we moved fast. I guess I am just having a hard time being with a man who is so wonderful in many ways but gets so emotional and down on himself for every little thing. I told him we need to go to counseling and though he agreed prior to me moving in he has recanted. The only way he says he will go is when I threaten that I will leave him. He is very serious but can joke and laugh. I am open free spirited and love to laugh, sometimes he mistakes my sarcasm for being serious and he gets down on himself cause he thinks he hurt me. Its a lot of work and I am already exhausted. Edited June 20, 2013 by loosingme31
swimswithjeans Posted June 20, 2013 Posted June 20, 2013 That's a really tough situation. I can't imagine how you must be feeling, but, unfortunately, the only thing that you can do is talk to him. Be honest with him - use the infamous 'I feel' statements. Let him know it is very important to you that you go to counseling, and that you think it will really help your relationship and hopefully help you grow closer. I understand what it's like to have a man whose emotions can change at the flip of a switch, and I really hope that you can work through it together in a way that is healthy and okay for you and in a way that doesn't make him feel like you're trying to change him. It's possible this is just who he is; maybe he was babied very much, maybe he has really low self-esteem, maybe this is the only way he got attention in previous relationships... But you'll never know unless you try and really talk it out with him. Have you confronted him about the issue before, or are you afraid he will overreact at what you are saying? Either way, I would try and avoid threatening to leave him; definitely don't use that as a bargaining tool. It seems he is a bit unstable, and I think using that will definitely make it worse.
2sunny Posted June 20, 2013 Posted June 20, 2013 Move out. Support yourself and your child - and just date him.
Author loosingme31 Posted June 20, 2013 Author Posted June 20, 2013 I appreciate all you response. I am a very educated woman with a masters degree and have and still support myself. I did get in a rut after I got fed up living in NYC and left my job and apartment to try living in Texas with my cousin. That didn't work out and I moved out on my own. So I am use to supporting myself. That being said. I want my relationship to work, I do think he is emotionally unstable and I get so annoyed that I cut him down. I guess going back to NYC would mean I failed. We are engage but I am not marrying him anytime soon. Just stuck and confused.
2sunny Posted June 20, 2013 Posted June 20, 2013 Move out to gain clarity. Don't plan to marry him until he works on his communication issues. Stand on your own. Show your daughter what a strong, independent woman looks like!
Turtles Posted June 20, 2013 Posted June 20, 2013 I don't think it's that dramatic... but it reminds me of the dynamic me & my ex had... I was quite immature and would get very flustered when she got upset, try to bend over backward to "make it right" for her, etc, which never worked and only made her more upset, which made me feel like I couldn't do anything right, then she would threaten to leave which of course made me feel even more worthless. My points being... There may be good material but he needs to mature a little bit. Thicken his hide so to speak. He sounds a bit young or at least inexperienced with relationships. It's not the worst fault.Never ever threaten to leave. This will only make things worse. If you get fed up, then pack up and leave, but don't make empty threats. You want him to trust you, not be afraid of you!Keep talking to him, don't trivialize his feelings when he brings them up. Try not to cut him down even when he is acting a bit "whiny".Even though he does need to "man up"... "tough love" is not what he needs from you Finally counseling is not a magic bullet. You're both educated people, there is a good chance you can work it out on your own. Dragging him to counseling is possibly counter productive since his ego will be hurt by having to involve a stranger in the relationship. I know a lot on this board will recommend MC at the first occasion but if you are not lucky finding the right therapist it's likely to be nothing but a waste of time and money and a source of frustration.
Author loosingme31 Posted June 20, 2013 Author Posted June 20, 2013 He truly is a good man, he makes me laugh, he treats my daughter nice, he helps around the house, its just that he is so emotional and he hates messing up. He gets down if he made me mad. I want to be with him, I love our home, his parents love me he comes home every night, he buys flowers and give me jewelry. There is a lot of good here. I know people are saying to leave him and stand on my own but I am 31 and have been on my own with my daughter for years, she is 13. He is 44 and has been alone for 7 years. I can stand on my own but I want a family. I know I need to change my response to him, throwing the ring and threating to leave is wrong. I call him names and tell him that he is crazy and never once has he spoken to me that way. I appreciate peoples response, and would appreciate tips on how to make his young relationship blossom.
Perrier Posted June 27, 2013 Posted June 27, 2013 (edited) Agree with Smoocherific 100%. Belittling him and name calling will get you nowhere in the long run - it will only kill him bit by bit and breed resentment. He may not be the alpha or strong man but you went to the extent of uprooting your daughter to move in with him. He doesn't sound like a basket case the way others have suggested - he sounds rigid or inexperienced with relationships. I also wonder, is part of you disappointed with yourself for picking such a man? Unfortunately he is now part of your 'problem' and any loving partner will welcome their partner's 'shortcomings' and help them become greater. Maybe I am old fashioned but there seems to be too much 'it's not working how I want it so I'm off' attitude to relationships these days. Edited June 27, 2013 by Perrier
Author loosingme31 Posted July 1, 2013 Author Posted July 1, 2013 Things have been up and down. I sent my daughter to NYC for summer vacation. This is giving us time to be alone and get to know each other better and figure out if I really can do this. On a good day, things are great but when its bad, its bad. My fiancé is very grouchy. His grouchiness affects my personality. He over apologizes for everything, he always thinks he has done something wrong. His mother told me that sometime he calls her and apologizes for nothing. She also told me that he is very emotional I am trying not to allow his grumpiness to affect me but it does. He is kind and good to my daughter but sometimes I wonder if that enough. The last fight we had I was very mean, like really mean. I take full responsibility for my mean words but I allow the grumpiness to really affect me. I keep telling him that he needs to work on his over grumpy ways but he denies being grumpy or says I make him grumpy or that I should just allow him to be grumpy sometimes. He is not physically or emotionally abusive, he is great to my daughter. everything is good except the over grouchiness and always thinking he has messed up. How do I not internalize this? How do I just allow him to be when his grouchiness engulfs me.
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