priaz92 Posted June 19, 2013 Posted June 19, 2013 've recently started going out with a guy i met online, but am worried about the trouble it might bring with my family. I'm almost 21 years old, and still live at home because my parents don't want me to live elsewhere But i've tried asserting my independence(I dormed freshman year, had an apt sophmore year, and now i'm back at home). I want to spend more time with him, but i don't want to tell my parents because i don't want to cause any problems. My mom HATED that i had my own apt and made me move back home (we fought constantly when i had my own place, but now that i'm at home, we hardly fight), so i feel like i'll never be able to do things on my own. (I think my parents have control issues) She want's me to stay by her side, and my dad still treats me like i'm 4, calling me baby nicknames, etc... The guy and I are planning to go skating or to six flags. But i don't know how to tell my parents i'm going out without telling them who i'm going out with. How do i bring it up without actually bringing it up? p.s. I've never had a bf because i'm worried about how my parents will react. My older brother didn't have issues, but that's because he's the oldest and a guy, while i'm the baby of the family, and a girl.
todreaminblue Posted June 19, 2013 Posted June 19, 2013 've recently started going out with a guy i met online, but am worried about the trouble it might bring with my family. I'm almost 21 years old, and still live at home because my parents don't want me to live elsewhere p.s. I've never had a bf because i'm worried about how my parents will react. My older brother didn't have issues, but that's because he's the oldest and a guy, while i'm the baby of the family, and a girl. It doesnt change no matter what age you are, when people love you they become overprotective......especially when it comes to online dating...i am 43 mother of five....i have an ex who doesnt want me to online date adn has asked me not to.......my mum doesnt want me to online date........because simply put....you dont know who you are dating.......and they question me........it makes you feel like a kid....i dont feel that it is their intention, to make me feel smothered....they just worry...as i would worry about my daughters if they were meeting people online....its all perspective....take precautions....let them know where you are going.....keep your phone on.......meet them in public venues....if you feel antsy while you are with an online date.....leave.....trust your instincts.........good luck ......smilin atcha...deb
Author priaz92 Posted June 19, 2013 Author Posted June 19, 2013 i understand that they care for me and want to protect me. But i'm almost 21. I'm doing what they want me to do - went to a school close to home, got good grades. I can take care of myself. If i thought he was a sketchy guy, i woudn't have agreed to go out with him in the first place. How do i assert my independence without causing another big fight? 1
todreaminblue Posted June 19, 2013 Posted June 19, 2013 i understand that they care for me and want to protect me. But i'm almost 21. I'm doing what they want me to do - went to a school close to home, got good grades. I can take care of myself. If i thought he was a sketchy guy, i woudn't have agreed to go out with him in the first place. How do i assert my independence without causing another big fight? you tel them exactly what you have said here.......about yourself......that you are a big girl now, but, give them comfort in knowing where you are going and his name........do not date off the net without letting someone you know and trust ...exactly what your plans are....no matter how safe he seems........ted bundy was an attractive(supposedly) non descript man with a ready smile........they have a right to fear.........psychopaths can be charming.... part of being independent is showing how responsible you are in approaching these sort of issues and situations..... when you approach yoru parents...be calm...be confident...and respectful....they will give it back to you....and if they dont and it looks like it is goign to be an argument....then let them know you are going to date this guy, that you want them to know when and where,you have taken all the precatutions you need, you are meeting him publicly till you get to know him and you hope that they trust your instincts.......good luck...deb
Author priaz92 Posted June 19, 2013 Author Posted June 19, 2013 my friends know. I'm just thinking my parents will shoot me down right away because they think im too young. I brought up dating once, but they shot me down right away because they thought i was too young. This was only a few years ago.
Ripnet Posted June 19, 2013 Posted June 19, 2013 My sister had the same problem, she had to have secret boyfriend. They would be thinking she was out with her friends, this was high school. When she went off to university it was far far away. On her last year she dated a guy and ending marry him later on. My advice finish school get a job then date. If you get pregnant or anything else like that it wouldn't be good. I always worried about my sister and that's why she probably told me and she even introduced me to her boyfriend because I was fair and open minded. Get your brother on your side if choose to still date while going to school, it will be easier.
Author priaz92 Posted June 19, 2013 Author Posted June 19, 2013 well, i do remember my brother said that he's okay if i had a boyfriend, but he has to approve of him. Im just worried he might not approve, since he's also very overprotective. But he used to have an online dating profile too, so maybe it'll be better?
Ami1uwant Posted June 19, 2013 Posted June 19, 2013 i understand that they care for me and want to protect me. But i'm almost 21. I'm doing what they want me to do - went to a school close to home, got good grades. I can take care of myself. If i thought he was a sketchy guy, i woudn't have agreed to go out with him in the first place. How do i assert my independence without causing another big fight? first off---dont tell them you met him online---you have an easy out with college. My SIL went through this when dating my brother. they started dating when she was around your age, she had finished her second yr of college at the local state Univ. They met at a bar. He was done with college started a job. After about a yr of dating he rented an aprtment that was about 2 blocks down from where she lived (with her parents). she would go down to his place in the evenings to study. With her work/school schedule she worked Mon, Wed, and Fri and then put all her classes on Tues and Thurs. Her ather was over protective of her. They knew who he was , and knew where he lived and all that. He still was a control nut. She would spend the evenings at his house and her father would call her around 9pm asking why she hadnt come home yet. This had gone on a few times. Eventually she had enough and basically said that she would move in with my brother and did. You need to tell your parents to lossen the rope on you because when guys see this ---and they will---they will say screw this dont need this and just stop dating you.
Author priaz92 Posted June 19, 2013 Author Posted June 19, 2013 it gives me a lot to think about. thank you all for your advice! 1
lover4721 Posted June 20, 2013 Posted June 20, 2013 (edited) I'm in the same issue and now I'm searching on here. Some woman I met online, and webcam'd and everything... and even have someone I know who lives by me, is her best friend... She is 20 and still living at home. She was in a LDR a few times because they won't even let her outside of the house to hangout with friends. She did the other day, once in a few like months, maybe longer... Like the last LDR she had, he got killed by his father? I've seen the messages and the news too. Supposedly his father and mother are in prison. I'm not sure. Maybe this kid randomly like wanted to disappear or something. The one before that, she was molested (I don't know how) and he was crazy. She had a lot of people walk out of her life, and doesn't have an intimate relationship, no friends, and not even a loving family. The father gets home and they all go hide, she explained. The mother is stay-at-home because she has a special needs child. But she feels SO stuck inside... She went to college for something at a hospital, and then a rumor went around and got her kicked out. Her Dad called her a failure and now she thinks she 'owes' them. She is so nice and doesn't seem like that at all. Another thing now is that her Dad will soon be asking what she is going to do with her life, and 'working and saving for college' isn't good enough, she said. She also said her Mother is bugging her for another job, and saying her job lasted too long, which was only two months. Now, I respect parents. My last relationship, she didn't respect her Mom at all... I had an ex for almost two years, and her parents were so close to me and I form a 'relationship' with the parents, before the woman. I respect a woman's parents, highly. I take that very seriously. However, I'm on the edge right now with her parents... It seems like they keep controlling her and the other daughter, just to make up their own mistakes from their own lives, to ensure they are close to them when she gets older. I've looked into this a lot, and it really shows that this is unhealthy for her. She has an issue now for the past two days. She has been tired - and now awake for probably a little more than 5 hours a day. She hasn't eaten a lot - she never finishes her food either. She is so stressed from everything just because she feels like she 'owes' them. She cannot make her own choices. I understand the parents really 'love' her (I doubt they do), but she is really running herself into depression. She has no outside connections. Once, she was suicidal because of her family... she actually sent me the letter and the subject revolved around her family. She used to cut as well. When her and I are fine and talking, she finally eats and is the happiest girl in the world. However, she finally went to the amusement park with her friends and now stuck at home again, wishing she could be with me. We aren't far at all - about 3 hours which I love driving and all, so it's no big deal. I don't know... this isn't about disrespecting her parents, and I have respect for them, but this is seriously getting to me and she just isn't herself lately and I am on the edge right now not knowing what to do, and if this is even 'right' to do when clearly I see the difference in her and it hurts. So I'm going through the same thing. She has had so many long distance relationships because she can't form a relationship with someone near. She cannot get her own phone plan, they'd probably throw hell for that, so she can't even text or call me regularly, which is okay but that is how bad it is. She says she is finally making her own decisions and it feels good, but now with this new job and her Dad stressing her, it has taken a toll on her mental and physical health. And I'm not like some creep or anything either. I'm actually very respectful to people and this is why I have a lot of people who like me... so I do apologize if I sound 'off' in this writing, but I'm going nuts because this poor girl can't do anything for herself. Her Mom knows about me and didn't say much about me. She just nodded her head I guess haha. But her other ex that lived in Tennessee, they saw each other. I really think they would enjoy my company because I feel like I'm a good influence and my ex's mother said that as well, when her parents told me they would like me to be closer to them. So again, I'm sorry if I didn't sound clear and was disrespecting her parents. A lot of people might not think this is getting serious, but I REALLY see her mental health just like degrading. She was always in depression and now not really. They are heavy Christians (she is agnostic and doesn't want religion shoved down her throat) and her Dad really wants her to follow his rules and such, which is good... she lives in HIS house, so she follows HIS rules and such, but she can't do anything for herself and that's what I see that is wrong. I looked it up and the Bible said something about being over-controlled, and how if you let your parents over-control you, you aren't "fully submitted to God." Just sharing my story though and any helpful advice is definitely welcome. Edited June 20, 2013 by lover4721
Ripnet Posted June 20, 2013 Posted June 20, 2013 I was very protective of my sister before she got married. But I didn't require I need to aprove of him before you date him. I met him and his friends. I was a really quite guy so he got really scared at least that's what my sister said. I'm not a big guy at all. I'm only 5'4". He was a good guy anyways. I still think you should introduce to him to your brother, it's not a bad thing when he's looking over his sister. You will never know until your brother meets him. My sister didn't know how I would react with her boyfriend she had to take the risk because if I was on her side if the parents found out I could take her side and it would be less stressful. Plus if anything bad happens he will be there for you.
Author priaz92 Posted June 20, 2013 Author Posted June 20, 2013 thats true...i just can't bring myself to tell them.
lover4721 Posted June 20, 2013 Posted June 20, 2013 Okay so now pertaining to your issue, I think you need to really take control of what you do yourself. I've seen it on Yahoo Answers, and someone said you just need to really tell them where you're going and with who (some guy I met - you could even say that your friend knows?) and just go. I think it is that time, especially for you, that you take responsibility of what YOU want to do and not really what other people want you to do. The person on Yahoo! Answers even said "Even if they whine about it and cry, you need to go! Tell them you will be back and will be safe." So it comes down to your parents really wanting you to be there for them. Even sometimes, they feel ashamed of mistakes they made, and now controlling you so you'll always come back to them. They also might be scared you're going to leave forever and get yourself intro trouble? You need to ensure them that you will be safe and such... You need to find someone that will create a good influence to you. You won't be always living with your parents so you need that 'bond' with someone. They probably will throw up a fight but the longer you keep coming back and listening to them, the more the response will heighten and they will always feel a need to control you. Even do short things like going outside maybe for a drive, or such. Todreaminblue has a good point. If you mention a guy, some parents are eerie about some guys today. I'll admit, some are creeps and do nothing good for women. Make sure it is someone nice and just be straight with your parents. I could probably give you better advice. I studied 'Communication conflicts with couples and families' at UCLA, a free semester lecture, non-credited. I was also top contributor for 'Singles and Dating', Friends, and Family. Friends, and Family were years ago. Singles was just a year ago I think. So I've seen good advice myself. I'm tired and don't know the whole story really, and typed out lol. But I myself, felt like I was rude to post my issues, and not an answer to yours. You should also look it up on Google and see what some Psychologists say about it. I found it interesting... I really hope this guy is a nice and respectful guy and I hope you have a good time when you and him hangout. Hopefully your parents accept it! They are really to have to accept it. :/
Author priaz92 Posted June 20, 2013 Author Posted June 20, 2013 ahh i see. it does help. i guess i have a decision to make.
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