Ugh I'm still so annoyed!!!

[anne1707]

Thank you Tara. But then you know Wuggle - how stupid would it have been for me not to do the work to be with him.

[TaraMaiden]

I wasn't replying to your message.

I was replying to stillafool's message.

 

 

How childish. This is a public Internet forum the other man woman

I mean I can come on here and discuss what I like. If I don't do as some people suggest I should well.... I dunno.

 

It's like kids nitpicking in the playground.

 

When somebody tells you 'the best form of defence is attack' - don't believe them.

 

You show your true colours through throw-away senseless remarks such as this, and basically prove precisely what everyone has been saying.

You're not here to do the right thing.

You're just here to pass the time of day.

[JustAReformedGirl]

Nobody knows how absolutely dreadfully awful cigarettes are, like a reformed smoker....

 

And frankly, you are the rare and shining beacon that is 'second chances'.

 

But then, you're bound to be....You did it right.

 

Ha, I've heard that, before. Most ex-smokers are harder on smokers for their habit, than non-smokers are.

 

Betsy, has anything changed in regard to NC? have you been working on your marriage? If you are at a loss for what to do, sit down and talk to your H about how you feel; do you lack passion in the bedroom? Are you living like room-mates, or is there bonding?

 

If you feel something is lacking in the marriage, and you wish to make it work, you need to roll up your sleeves, and get crackin'.

 

Stop worrying about the OM, if you're truly in NC. You'll never get passed this patch, until you push him from your mind, and start focusing on your marriage, and more importantly, yourself.

[Helen A]

It's like kids nitpicking in the playground.

When somebody tells you 'the best form of defence is attack' - don't believe them.

 

You show your true colours through throw-away senseless remarks such as this, and basically prove precisely what everyone has been saying.

You're not here to do the right thing.

You're just here to pass the time of day.

 

The thing is it's fine for you to attack and give our your bitchy comments I think that they also show your true colours. You can think what you like of me I know I'm doing the right thing now Im feeling better than I have in ages. And I have plenty to do to pass the time of day thanks I just thought it'd be nice to chat to people - admittedly I didn't realise you HAD to agree with them or you'd get a mouthful.

 

Anne with all respect I didn't like the way you worded that anne1707 I suggested you get 2 copies - one for your husband to read and one for you to read - TOGETHER - so you can talk about it TOGETHER.

 

Are you going to do that?

 

To me this is again going on and on like you said a dog with a bone.

While I have texted someone it is COMPLETELY different to a 3 year affair where you are sleeping with them in my eyes. I've stopped before that happened and I'm working on things my way.

 

Rebel Dynasty - I am doing NC feeling lots better Im not going to see them for a few months and have a complete break. Me and my hubby are getting on great .

Obv is early days but I'm not thinking as much as I was, this is the best I've done in ages 3 weeks. Tbh I don't want to speak to him

[Lillyfree]

While I have texted someone it is COMPLETELY different to a 3 year affair where you are sleeping with them in my eyes. I've stopped before that happened and I'm working on things my way.

 

Rebel Dynasty - I am doing NC feeling lots better Im not going to see them for a few months and have a complete break. Me and my hubby are getting on great .

Obv is early days but I'm not thinking as much as I was, this is the best I've done in ages 3 weeks. Tbh I don't want to speak to him

 

betsy, i am glad that you've taken yourself out of a toxic situation and that you're doing better.

 

i was thinking the same as you for a while, in the beginning of my EA. and i didn't even know i was in an A until close to ceasing contact with him!

saying 'i haven't slept with him, so it's different' while technically correct still doesn't mean that you didn't go outside of your marriage to find something that was missing.

 

it took a while for me to realise why i've done what i've done. it all came at me at once, what was happening in my M, what happened in the A, and mostly what was wrong with me.

i told my H after about a month of NC. it was all just too raw and too much in the first few weeks for me to attempt serious discussion about my M as well.

 

and i'm so glad i did. we used my admission as a catalyst to really look into what was happening with our R. it's now been more than 7 months, and we're better than we've been in years.

 

posters here that have been in similar situations aren't badgering you to come clean out of malice, or because 'that's the only right way'. it's because they've BTDT and know that being upfront and honest can be beneficial not just to your M but to yourself and your H individually.

 

however, it seems you have made up your mind - so use what's happened to better yourself and your relationship with H. really, really scrutinise what it was about you and your M that made you cheat. and then share that with your H at least.

[Helen A]

Thanks Lilyfree. Yes I intend to do a lot of working on things and lolking into rely why I did this, wanted attention etc. I'm sure that we can work on things and be fine.

 

I know that something was missing and although not the same as actually sleeping with him was still bad I didn't mean that it wasnt.

 

No I don't feel they are badgering me at all the advice had been good its just some of the comments are pretty bitchy and childish. Glad everything's working out for you.

[AussieLady]

I think you feel the comments are "bitchy and childish" because they are the truth. It hurts to hear the truth, but believe me you really do need to hear it.

 

I have trickled the truth about my EA to my husband, and now tonight after our second counselling session I have been able to disclose it all to him. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders and we can now really look into what we both need out of our marriage together.

 

Without the harsh criticism and reality checks from people here, I think my EA would have turned physical in a heartbeat.

[Helen A]

Aussie Lady no I haven't got a problem with the truth or a lot of the things said its just the comments such as she's only here to pass the time of day,

I asked about the book being in the library I had a funny message about getting two books out ( no reply to my actual question) she's come on here to get attention from us - you know anybody reading can see that those are downright bitchy childish comments.

 

I don't mind the honesty and constructive critisism but pathetic stuff like that I can't be bothered with as I said we are not in the playground.

[TaraMaiden]

So why won't you listen to the sound, tried-and-tested advice from so many people who have been trough what you have gone through?

 

Everyone here speaks form some experience.

We all know that Lying (whether directly, or by omission) is fraught with problwms, danger and complications.

 

Nobody ever made anything better by piling deceit upon betrayal.

 

And you will always have the fear that the OM will, maybe in a drunken moment, maybe in a moment of spite, let the cat out of the bag.

 

It may sound like childish playground banter, but there is truly nothing more irritating than someone wasting our time, by cherry-picking at the advice and making rash decisions based totally on what THEY want to happen, and not on what is truly best in the long term.

Doing the right thing is not always easy or painless.

 

But doing the right thing, is always necessary. And saves heartache, anxiety and pretence.

 

While you live under the illusion that what your H doesn't know, can't harm him, you will always be living the lie.

 

You INSIST he doesn't need to know.

 

That does not alter the fact that YOU know.

And the OM knows.

 

And 2 people out of four have the potential happiness of their partners in their pockets. By deceit.

[movingon45]

What happened with me is for example we'd have a really long conversation and then he'd start to blank me for days etc. make me feel like we were close and then make me feel awful. Or he'd be over the top some days and then other days he wouldn't reply. He's text me to see why I hadn't text him sum days and then he'd ignore me for a week. I decided on my holidays I wasn't going to turn it into a PA and keep it on friendly terms but after he has blanked me when I asked a normal question I then did the same to him and it's been two weeks NC now. I'm not sure i even want to be friends anymore I'm starting to see him for wat he is.

 

Oh I feel your pain! My exMM was the same and after on and off NC, I have decided to finally go NC. Easier said than done I know but I'm hoping that I can do it. He is so good at compartmentalizing that I feel that he is really just using me. Of course I used him, too, but he did more than I did.

[Helen A]

So why won't you listen to the sound, tried-and-tested advice from so many people who have been trough what you have gone through?

 

Many Reasons. My husband would go absolutely mental & go straight down there to see the OM there wud be hell. His wife wud go mental too, obviously, and there's three children involved here. I am not about to ruin any lives which is what would happen if I was honest here. Wudnt that be a bit selfish also, bearing in mind me & OM have just spoken about the fact we like each other/ we want to have sex etc - that we HAVEN'T find it.

 

My marriage would be over. All of our friendship would be over, whereas now I don't believe it has to be.

 

I am sure many people have crushes on others even when they are married it doesn't mean always admitting this to their partners.

 

I am too scared too admit this but my most strongest reason for not doing so is causing a big uproar and causing any problems for these kids, I also love their kids to bits I've had a lot to do with them.

 

I know honesty is mostly the better and right thing to do but can't you see that in this situation I can't.

 

I am staying away from the OM for a few months and I'm going to leave him alone, I hope my feelings may die down a lot and I hope that I can get through this.

[Helen A]

Also Tara - me & OM have no intention of being together.

 

So why would I go and destroy both of our marriages and our children's lives? Is that really the way to go here?

 

I don't think so.

[stillafool]

I wasn't replying to your message.

I was replying to stillafool's message.

 

 

How childish. This is a public Internet forum the other man woman

I mean I can come on here and discuss what I like. If I don't do as some people suggest I should well.... I dunno.

 

It's like kids nitpicking in the playground.

 

You are right this is a PUBLIC forum therefore anyone can post on your thread. You have to take the bitter with the sweet here. If you want only people to sympathize with you maybe a church would be a better place for you to go to talk to people.

[stillafool]

Also Tara - me & OM have no intention of being together.

 

So why would I go and destroy both of our marriages and our children's lives? Is that really the way to go here?

 

I don't think so.

 

Yet everyday you are on here talking about the OM when you should be doing everything possible to keep him out of your head. Don't you understand that you should be filling your days trying to think of things to improve your marriage and family, not thinking of OM and his feelings.

[Helen A]

Still a fool I was just replying to what she asked me.

I will take the bitter with the sweet but not nitpicking nonsense.

 

And yes, you're right. Maybe it's the end of this thread now it has been dragging on a bit long.

[The Way I Am]

I asked about the book being in the library I had a funny message about getting two books out ( no reply to my actual question) she's come on here to get attention from us - you know anybody reading can see that those are downright bitchy childish comments.

 

Betsy, I've been following but refrained from posting because I had nothing new to add. But in my opinion, you did ask a rather dense question that came off as just an attempt to throw a bone and get sympathy back to your side not any intent to actually follow the advice. Really, how would Anne know if your library carried a particular book? Why would you even think she would know that? If you really intended to get the book, you would call the library, look it up yourself, etc.

 

I think some posts have been a bit harsh, but Anne has been nothing but nice to you. And calling her bitchy for not answering a question she couldn't possibly know the answer to was pretty rude.

[Helen A]

I think some posts have been a bit harsh, but Anne has been nothing but nice to you. And calling her bitchy for not answering a question she couldn't possibly know the answer to was pretty rude.

 

I didnt mean it as in did she know if my library had the book that was just in general. She could have just said oh I'm not sure or you'd have to buy it not

 

 

I suggested you get 2 copies - one for your husband to read and one for you to read - TOGETHER - so you can talk about it TOGETHER.

 

Are you going to do that?

Just like she said a dog with a bone. This wasnt said nicely .

[TaraMaiden]

Several people have been annoyed with you.

Several different people.

All annoyed with one person.

 

You're the common denominator, Betsy.

 

Instead of criticising us for what we say to you - how about you own the fact that you just stubbornly refuse to follow advice - and expect those from whom you've asked advice to accept that without qualm?

 

Don't you think you're being unreasonable to ask us all those searching questions about OUR business - but then blithely ignore the good advice thereon based?

[anne1707]

Betsy

 

I have not got a clue what books are stocked in your library. Why on earth should I???

 

As for me posting about two copies to read TOGETHER - that was actually referring back to my original recommendation about that book to you and how it could help you work on your marriage with your husband. You had seemed to imply that you would consider that recommendation but by getting just one copy from a library, you would not be doing that.

 

My like a dog with a bone comment - that was not an insult yet you seem to have taken it that way (bringing up my personal history in an attempt to downplay your affair whilst all I am trying to do is help you from not making the same mistakes as me).

 

I have been like a dog with a bone with you because many of the people who initially tried to help you on LS have given up out of frustration at your lack of action and reaction to perceived insults. I have not been rude. I have not been nasty. I have been patient. I have been supportive. I have shared my experiences with you hoping that you will take something from that and act. This could help you get over the MOM and actually improve you rmarruage. Yet you are ignoring my advice, trying to undermine me, complaining about my posts.

[Helen A]

Instead of criticising us for what we say to you - how about you own the fact that you just stubbornly refuse to follow advice - and expect those from whom you've asked advice to accept that without qualm?

 

I'm only criticising the childish stuff. This was a thread in which I was asking how do I get over my feelings about this, thinking about it. Not about telling my hubby I went through all my reasons why in the other thread. I have snd am following advice, I've gone NC, deleted him off social media and watts app etc ( all advice taken from here) the only thing that I haven't done is admitted it.

So I can't say I'm completely stubborn.

 

My like a dog with a bone comment - that was not an insult yet you seem to have taken it that way (bringing up my personal history in an attempt to downplay your affair whilst all I am trying to do is help you from not making the same mistakes as me).

 

I wasn't trying to downplay it. I was just trying to say that's all that's happened is chat, about what we'd LIKE to do. Nothing physical. So to me that is completely different to a proper physical affair. Though it is still really wrong etc it's just talk. No Action. Though the thought was there.

Didnt mean to undermine anything said, I've just felt some of the comments were unnecessary.

[anne1707]

.

Didnt mean to undermine anything said, I've just felt some of the comments were unnecessary.

 

Are you saying that any of my comments were unnecessary?

[Helen A]

Yeah the reply to the book one was pretty childish IMO.

[TaraMaiden]

Are you saying that any of my comments were unnecessary?

 

Anne....leave it.

 

Hah!!

 

Kettle, pot, black, all that kind of stuff.

 

Betsy - good luck with living the lie.

If it comes back one day and bites you hard in the @ss - I won't be in the slightest bit surprised.

 

Or disappointed either, for that matter.

 

*Leaves.*

[Helen A]

no my marriage is most definitely NOT over.

I'm not living a lie - everything is done and dusted.

Nobody's upset ( only me I deserve that), no children upset, nothing.

And onwards and upwards from here.

I don't think it's that bad not admitting it I mean it was texts, that was it, and they're all over with. We don't speak on our own anymore.

Lesson learned.

And on that note I'm off too as this had really fond on a bit much now.

[Helen A]

Typo on iPhone.

 

Sorry gone on a bit much now.