confuzeddd Posted October 13, 2004 Posted October 13, 2004 Hello Everyone! I'm really confused and at the end of my rope here lately. My Girlfriend and I have been together for a year andna bit now, but for the last 2 months things have been just not the same. Sometimes I'm not sure about her intensions towards me anymore. Like she says I love you and, and has all those couple pet names for me, and talks about the future and us getting a place and getting married and having kids all the time. But words go only so far right? I mean words can mean nothing really if there isnt meaning behind them. The thing that bothers me is that she has suddenly become so independant, I feel like she doesn't need me at all. I have no problem with being independant, because I'm the same way but only to some levels. Even at night, we used to hug while we slept that doesn't happen anymore. I've heard of the "honeymoon" period and I think thats partially related to this. But It's always me giving affection to her almost always. I just feel she was a lot more affectionate and now not so much. It's just a terrible feeling not to be needed in all areas of a relationship, and i'm sorry I draw the line when it comes to being affectionate/sexual. And another thing i've noticed is that she is less affectionate to me in public than she is in private? What does that mean? And yet again she's making sure im coming to her town for christmas and stay at her house. I think she is afraid of losing me? Because last year she wasn't totally dependant on me, but definetely more so than this year. So she is backing away just incase things go sour, and then it won't hurt so bad? Which by the way she has nothing to worry about because I love her more than my own life. Does anyone agree? Cause I really don't know what to think... Any Advice is welcome please!!!!!!!!!
Sukotto Posted October 13, 2004 Posted October 13, 2004 After a relationship becomes long term then things start to get a bit boring, its a fact but not a problem. It doesn't mean she doesn't love you but you might find the chemistry that was once there isn't as strong as it use to be. Try going on a romantic date or doing something spur of the moment that you dont usually do. Buy her flowers or a little gift. If that doesn't seem to make her more affectionate then you'll probably have to talk it out with her, my girlfriend started becoming less affectionate and well in the end it was because she didn't feel the same way any more and well I didn't do anything about it before we split even though I knew something was wrong.
Dakini Posted October 13, 2004 Posted October 13, 2004 I have found through experience that one of the most crucial things in any relationship is one's individuality and independence. Instead oaf wanting her to be more attached, try to focus on your needs and wants outside of the relationship. What do you like to do? Which one of your friends could you spend more time with? What are your professional goals? She may be experiencing the need to validate herself as an individual. This is normal and GOOD for the relationship. Also, I would say that most people, esp. women, find it hard to say things they dont mean. (For example, I could never tell my ex that I loved him if I didn't mean it at the time). If she says she is committed, I am sure she is. You have to trust in her enought to believe her. -D
gersanos Posted October 13, 2004 Posted October 13, 2004 Definitely try some spur of the moment type of things. And if that doesn't change much, then talk to her about it. Independence is definitely important. In the beginning you cling onto everything and always want to be together. Once the honeymoon phase wears off, or a dose of reality hits you, then many people get more focused on their own lives. It is important that both parties are independent as individuals, but come together as one. All the things you mentioned are possibilites though, and you will never know unless you try to do some spontaneous things to get away from the boredom. If that doesn't work then you have to talk with her about it. I had a very similar situation with my last girlfriend. I am a spontaneous type of guy (or maybe thats my ADD) and knew that that wasn't really the problem with us, but I knew that things just weren't the same. Granted we had a lot of chnage going on in our lives at the time (both starting law school) it seemed that I was still trying to make an effort and keep things the same, i.e., affectionate, playful, etc., but she was distancing herself. We talked about it because I noticed it, but nothing really changed between us. In the end it was something she did to distance herself from me to numb the pain I believe. She said that her feelings just weren't the same when we broke up. I didn't do anything wrong she said, and I know it's not a matter of her meeting someone else. Really can't explain it, or why it happened, but it did. Sucks, but I have to accept it and move on. We dated for 6 months, and this all occured over a 2 week period. Who knows, she may come back one day or she may not, but I gotta take care of me. This can be a red flag for you, and it's a very good thing that you have taken note of it. There is only so much that you can do, and hopefully it'll all work itself out between you guys. But many girls, I have learned, do this before a break up, and I am not sure if they actually realize what they are doing at the time or not. They slowly distance themselves emotionally so they don't feel as much pain in the end, and they are distancing themselves enough to eventually initiate the break up with the guy. One thing that I wish I did do differently when my X and I were going through this was to give space without saying it, instead of talking about it. Kind of like back-off when I first noticed these things, instead of force anything. Hmm. But I guess I did do the right thing, because backing-off would have been intentional attempt to play games and make her see what she's missing out.
Sukotto Posted October 13, 2004 Posted October 13, 2004 gersanos, thats the exact thing that happened to me. We'd been dating for 2.5 years and suddenly I noticed that she was distant and i tried to talk about it, got some excuse that she was tired and just lacking a routine. We were just about to start another year of universitry. Week later its over. On reflection I wish i'd made an effort to do something spur of the moment, we'd had a great summer doing lots of fun stuff and well it dulled down towards the end which I suspect might have been the cause, but she claims she changed as a person.
gersanos Posted October 13, 2004 Posted October 13, 2004 Sukotto, it is strange isn't it. We had a tremendous summer as well, and everything was still great then. Last week of summer was sort of stale in a sense because we were doing all the things to get ready for school. But we were still going out and having fun, just had a little bit of reality on our plates. It happened right when school started, and 2 weeks was all it took. Maybe it was too much of a reality check then. I don't understand it one bit, but maybe I'm not supposed to. It's so sad because including us, I know 8 other couples that broke up once school started back up and summer was over. The ranges are from 5 months to 4.5 years. And all the reasons are the same: feelings not as strong, don't know what I want out of life, etc. Not one reason were its cheating, major stupidity, etc., but it's still a reason. And know one did it to see other people. People just want to be independent and alone for some reason. Very odd. People do change though, and not all couples change together. I know for us, she did change, at least to something that I didn't like anymore. She became very school driven to the point of no social life. She barely talked on phone with anyone, including her friends, and going out ment grabbing food with someone. No more fun. She also starting smoking again, probably is smoking pot again (she used to before we started dating), and just kind of boring. I see her here or there on campus and she's just boring. Hangs with only 1 girl she's friends with, or she's just solo. Let her be. Her loss.
iceisles Posted October 13, 2004 Posted October 13, 2004 My ex felt that our relationship had become boring and routine, even though we continued to do different things (like trips) now and then. She wanted the feelings we had during the "honeymoon phase" to last forever, and I tried explaining that the nature of relationships changes over time and yes, sometimes things do get a little complacent. I believe it was an unreasonable expectation to think that the fires that burned early on would remain constant in intensity. Unfortunately, she used this as a large basis in our breakup, which was unfortunate. All relationships require maintenance, and just because we had become lax on working on some areas of it didn't mean that she should have called it off. It would be nice to keep the "honeymoon phase" for years and years, but that just doesn't happen. I just wish she would have realized that even fairly tale romances have their limits.
gersanos Posted October 13, 2004 Posted October 13, 2004 iceisles, this is too strange. That was the same reason for our break-up. She first mentioned that she thought that everything was always going to be perfect between us; that the honeymoon is where she always wants to be. I talked with her about it just being a dip but we'll get through it, and that relationships require maintenance and effort after the honeymoon phase. I told her that we're just at the next phase now, but this is just the transition. It is unfortunate though for us, and especially her. I don't know if she'll ever find a meaningful relationship in life if things just aren't perfect. All my friends (guys and gals) said she is just dumb and immature for even saying it's because things aren't perfect beween us anymore. Maybe she has some unrealistic expectations, and when I couldn't meet those anymore, then I'm signed off. Unfortunate, but ultimately that was her decision.
iceisles Posted October 13, 2004 Posted October 13, 2004 gersanos, I know what you mean. You kind of feel like things just ended without having an opportunity to ever work on them. I strongly suspect that my ex wants to date other guys, perhaps to see if the grass is greener on the other side. I do believe she is lonely (we only saw each other one weekend a month) and wants that honeymoon phase to return again. She might find it with someone new, but she'll be back to square one once that wears off again. The thing is, I doubt I would take her back even if she fessed up about wanting to date others, because I couldn't stay in a relationship where I may be dumped if things take a slight dip here and there. She knows I was really good to her, and even though our time together was limited, I think she'll miss it. I understand she's the affectionate type, and I did the best I could, but no one person can keep the fires of love constantly burning. When things slow down, strong relationships still survive. For whatever reason, ours didn't.
Weird Posted October 13, 2004 Posted October 13, 2004 first, i dont see a problem that she isn't as affectionate in public as she is in private. That is GOOD. I can't stand people who are all over one another in public. I want to tell the people who do that crap in public that NOBODY CARES that they are together and all that crap. It is almost like people in relationships try and brag about it and act like it is such a unqiue feat yet billions of people are married/seeing someone so wtf try and act like you are so special? As for women, I think many young ones these days have issues wiht thnking a relationship will always be "perfect" and like it was at the start and can't comprehend that over time that things change. What casues this? Is it the crap on TV or movies they see? I mean all I have to do is look at married people and see that things change from when relationships start out and I'd be a fool to think the intial "high" of a relationship will last for years. Oh and I agree about the feeling of never getting the chance to try and work things out...it sucks and is frustrating. The one thing that makes me smile is that all the women (and guys too) that do this and run away from things will NEVER be able to have a good lasting relationship if they stay the same and the day will come when they will regret it.
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