tryingbutstruggling Posted June 19, 2013 Posted June 19, 2013 Yes, I said THIRD chance... there's a long story behind it, but I'll try to keep it brief. We got married 12 years ago and separated for the second time last August. We have had our struggles over and over again, the biggest struggle being his porn addiction that he doesn't recognize as an addiction. He has looked at it "on and off" over the years but got fired (he took the option to "resign") from his job about 4 years ago because he was looking at it at work. I told him that I wanted a divorce back in 2007 because of the porn and his neglect of our family and our relationship (mainly because of the porn and his sense of self worth--because of the porn). I felt like I was doing ALL of the work. He seemed to think that putting 40 hours in a week at a job was good enough. After our first separation we said that we’d work on things, get counseling, go back to church: all of which we didn’t do. We didn’t nurture, and love, and talk, and be selfless. Instead we did the opposite. I am the one that told him last year that I wanted a divorce, “for real this time”. When he got fired from his job in 2010 for looking at porn at work (about 6 months after I had our daughter) I completely shut down, became very bitter, and dismissed ANY efforts he made, whether they were half-assed or whole hearted efforts. I have since realized that yes, he has his struggles with porn, but a lot of my attitude and behaviors didn't help our situation and in a sense pushed him to become more and more secluded from our family (and maybe further into his porn addiction). I realize that I never really was a supportive wife in a lot of things, but instead took charge of our home and didn't really include him in a lot of it (a lot of my taking charge though was because of his lack of self due to all of the above, which he though was just easier to let me take charge), something that I think "degraded" him even more. Even though it’s taken me a long time, and a lot of pain, I’m afraid that I’ll get what I thought that I wanted at the time, but what I don’t truly want. What I truly wanted was to heal from past offenses, to forgive and forget. I didn’t know how to do that before, and after much soul searching I am ready to it now. I can’t do that now though, because now he is not with me. Now I have all of the pain and desire to make it work, and he not only will give me the divorce that I had asked for, but wants it. He told me that he wants to "close this chapter in his life and work on himself so that he can have something to give to a relationship--whether that means with me or another person". Can't that be done while separated and then begin dating again with the pursuit of making our marriage work again? I sense from him that I’ve hurt him too badly to receive his forgiveness. I am reading and have implemented "The Love Dare" and am on Day 24, with very little reciprocation from him. He knows that I am doing the love dare because he tried it on my last year before I said that I wanted a divorce (I didn't realize what he was doing at the time), but I have been avoiding any majorly emotional or deep conversations with him for fear that it is too early in the process of my showing him the changes that I have made--that we can make together--I'm afraid that those conversations will push him to the courthouse. We are still great friends and have 2 kids together, so we interact well because we want the best for our children. We never really did fight when we were together, but instead just "grew apart". The porn and my not being supportive about any positive changes or having any patience at all (aka, turning into a b!*@h because of the porn) were the most major problems in our relationship. He's a really great guy, very unique, great personality, takes care of his responsibilities, mostly even tempered, and doesn't really complain about much. I know, I'm an idiot for letting all of that go when there was a struggle that I couldn't support him in. I know that I have to be patient but it is very difficult, and yes, I know that relationships are a two way street but is there any possibility at trying to REALLY make things work this time? I know that I initiated everything with wanting to get divorced but are there other ways to show him that I will hold his hand and walk by his side, come hell or high water, for better OR for WORSE this time? I am worried that he is moving on and is just indulging me with letting me "finish" the love dare (which I will actually do indefinitely, even if the divorce is finalized--unless he gets into a relationship). Sorry for the length... Any advice at all?!
Minnie09 Posted June 20, 2013 Posted June 20, 2013 How many chances do you want to give him? He's been hurting your feelings by watching porn, i.e. engaging in disrespectful behavior, didn't step up to the plate in order to get "better". He just indulged in the same behavior over and over, because the only consequence he ever got was a bitchy, withdrawn wife. He'll never take you seriously, because you enable him. Has he gotten therapy? No. Is he still watching porn? Yes. Is he an active part of the family? No.* WANTING the D is the easiest way for him to stay who he his. If he stays with you, he'll get more if the same. A withdrawn wife who resents him, and for whom he is not willing to change. History has shown that. By wooing him now your signal to him is "I'm begging for more of the same. Please stay, enjoy other naked chicks on your computer, and I'll do the heavy lifting in the relationship, plus all the chores and the kids activities. You go ahead and watch porn. I'll treat you like **** later, but on the upside my dear, nothing will change for you, and first and foremost, YOU won't have to change, cause I'll stay and as you can see, I am working hard to reconcile."* Unless you give him a free pass to do whatever, he'll want out, because he doesn't seem to have it in him to do the work he needs to do on himself, he doesn't WANT to. Maybe he's already very embarrassed about the things you know about him, and that makes people defensive and even more unwilling to stick it out. Avoiding and running is the more comfortable way to go. Don't beg him to stay. You did nothing wrong. And feeling resentment towards a husband like that is a NORMAL reaction, it's not a flaw, it's not what breaks the M. If you put any more hard work into your M, like you're doing right now, he'll take advantage of you even more. Good luck!
Yasuandio Posted June 20, 2013 Posted June 20, 2013 (edited) I hope DOT writes on your thread - she is the VET Expert on this matter of porn addicted husband. In the meantime, I can share my atypical take with you if you like. IMHO, watching the porn on the computer is better than being on the street practicing the porn. Unless, of course, you get fired from your job! And, actually, my former neighbor is a business internet dectective for Welstar - and sees this all the time - men looking at porn on the job, that is her specific work, to track the porn-watcher's (mostly men) for the employer. Seems to be common enough occurance to be a basic profession for IT people these days. Imagine how embarrassing to be fired after you are presented with trashy porn evidence you were watching while you were supposed to be working! Oh dear. Now, I like to watch some really challenging porn (out of curiousity), but I would not ever look at it on the job! It is stimulating sometimes. But mostly, just interesting, how people do certain things with other people or other ______. Facinating to an artistic mind like mine - it has inspired some of my art projects, which are also challenging in nature. That said, am I a sick person, addicted to perverted porn? Death, horror, murder, serial killings, it is on the nightly news, as well as documentaries - viewing of which seem to be socially acceptable enough. Porn, weird sex, etc. on the internet - so common, all of it. Porn used to be in magazines that you could hide under the bed. Now, you cannot even go on Match.com without being confronted and really, inendated with free video offer of some sort that will lead you straight in to a pay-for-view porn site. It is our culture - like it or not. Actually, you don't even have to pay for graphic porn anymore. People are posting their home brewed porn inventions on public web-sites that are knock-offs of Facebook, free of charge. Being a "B" is not going to help as you learned, I think, at least, it was reactionary, and set you back. Lovedare probably was overkill too. Maybe just leaving to guy alone - to live with his shame of losing his employment, might have been the most theraputic response. The problem is, that, naturally, you took it personally, as a rejection of your womanhood. When it is entirely possible the porn facination has nothing to do with you. That is my take. So where to go now, after all the drama? 1. I would suggest going as close as possible to leaving the guy alone - to cope with his shame, without rubbing it under his nose anymore. 2. Perhaps stop trying to fix it - you won't be able to. Only he can decide to stop desensitizing himself in the way. Put the books away. 3. Accept it as what it is. Men look at porn, on the internet, in mags, or in strip joints. Women (and men, for that matter) are only too happy to be Porn Stars - it has always been this way, is, and always will be a big business. It is a sucessful business because of the customer base. Accept that. 4. Try participating - look at it with him. If you can stomach it. Oh find a mild version that you like. 5. Decide it is not for you - and end the relationship - cut it for good. 6. Protect (get back) your self esteem and confidence first and foremest. The main goal is not to go hot and cold. You got mad, pushed him out - then emotionally retracted your position, and begged him back. Push pull, push pull. You opened yourself up for manipulation, and to be jacked around emotionally. Know yourself, decide what you want, then, hold firm. 7. If this man is who you want, then accept this man, do not try to change this man. You cannot change this man. He has to want to change himself. All you can do is change your response to the activity (and being a "B" didn't work). 8. Remember, it is not about you. I hope DOT will weigh in on this. Yas Edited June 20, 2013 by Yasuandio
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