I'm a WW post dday

[drifter777]

I maintain a different perspective than many other posters here on LS. I don't believe that a BS choosing to try reconciliation is a gift, its a decision to try to avoid divorce and the motivation can be very different for each BS. Those posters who think that it takes courage to try to reconcile might be right in some cases, just none that I've ever seen posted here. Most of the time a BS chooses to try to reconcile based on fear. They fear being alone, they fear starting over, they fear the whole world discovering that they are such losers that their spouse cheated on them, they fear blowing up the lives of their children - etc. etc. I think it's really sad that this is the case but I also think if it wasn't for that fear the percentage of marriages that "survive" infidelity would drop to near zero.

 

Your husband is terrified of something here. Maybe you or he think you know what it is, but you should really have that conversation with him. If you start couples counseling this should be the first topic you get into because it is the key to whether you should even try to move forward from there. If his problem is fear that divorce will turn the life he has become comfortable with upside down, but maybe he really needs his life turned upside down because he's locked himself in a cage. I'm not a shrink but I hope you see the point of my example. Anyway, he is staying due to his fear and that's the end of it. If he had self-confidence and self-esteem he would respond much differently then he has to this point. Since you have proven unable to be faithful I would think that a normal, emotionally healthy man would walk away at this point. I mean, why should he believe that you are going to change? Once a cheater maybe not always a cheater. Twice a cheater? It's in your blood. Its who you are.

[Chi townD]

Another thing to think about is that your husband wants to try and work things out. Okay, but that's not written in stone.

 

He may want to try and work it out, but your marriage is on a thin string. He may decide, "You know what? There's just too much damage. There's too much pain." and will want to end the marriage. And here's the rub; you don't have a say in it. You were in the driver's seat when you decided to cheat. Now, he's in the drivers seat as far as where this marriage is going. That's not your decision.

 

You're desperate to try and get those romantic feelings for your husband back. Here's the deal, you can't. You're in what's called the fog. And once you stop romantisizing the OM, kill the fantasy of the OM and the excitement of the OM, then those feelings come back. Because you'll realize that the OM just wanted you to forget about your kids, husband and marriage so that he could have an opportunity to screw you. And you're not innocent in this, you let him do it. YOU ALLOWED FOR IT TO HAPPEN!!!! So, you have blood on your hands to!

 

You did the most painful and hurtful thing you could ever to another person that you claim to love. You stood at the alter or in front of all your friends and family and you made a promise to your husband that you were his. You gave yourself to him heart and soul, BODY and spirit. And he did the same for you. And you broke your promise to him for a roll in the hay with another man. A man that you claim that you never saw a future with.

 

A good definition of love is literally give your heart to someone and TRUSTING them enough not to break it. So.....guess what you did.

 

Now, you can come back on here and tell me that there were problems in the marriage prior to your affair....blah....blah.... those are just excuses. Everyone has problems in their marriages at one time or another. There's no such thing as a "perfect" marriage. Marriages are hard and they take a lot of work. A lot of communication and a lot of compromising. Point out a "perfect" marriage to me. You'll never find one; they don't exist.

 

The one thing you're not realizing right now, and I see it in your writings, is that your husband is ready to walk. He's ready to throw in the towel. You are about an ass hair away from losing him forever and I'm pretty sure you don't see it and I'm not even sure you care.

 

if you WANT to save your marriage. Stop talking to him. Stop telling him things about wanting to save the marriage and work on the relationship. Talk is cheap and he has NO reason to believe you. He needs to SEE you making an effort. Your actions will speak louder than your words right now. He needs to see you reading books on recovering the marriage. Seeing you making an effort in MC and IC and seeing you actively doing the homework. He needs t see you trying to become more affectionate with him, or leaving him little "I love you" post it notes where he can find them. Just the little things will make a massive impact.

 

And for God's sakes!!! The next time he wants to have sex, you rip his clothes off and rape him with a smile on your face even if you don't feel like it!

 

Five days after d-day you turned him down for sex because, "I just couldn't do it." Well, guess what? This isn't about YOU. It was about what HE needed. Did he want to have sex? Yeah, he did. But, it wasn't about the sex. He wanted to know that he was still desired by his wife. He wanted to FEEL wanted. He wanted that intense affection from that girl that he pledged his life to at the alter so many years ago. He wanted to feel that he still mattered! And you turning him down made him feel like....well, like he didn't.

 

You need to start waking up!

[aliveagain]

You need to explain to you husband why you feel you can't have sex with him at this time. As a betrayed husband I can tell you that one of the first things we want to do is reclaim what we feel is our property, get the stench of the OM off of you. By rejecting him you are indirectly telling him you are still choosing OM. Gets back to our animalistic origins of marking our territory. You need to send him the right messages if you want this to work. You need to get yourself into counseling, find out why you were willing to risk your family the way you did, why OM makes you feel good, why you could justify to yourself that you were entitled to have an affair, what's broken in you. Don't waste your money on marriage counseling until you are 100% committed to the marriage and you know what the root of your problem is. Even if he is a s**ty husband, that's not a good enough reason to cheat, this was all about you. You took your husbands choice and your children's choice's away from them because you never considered the hurt you would cause them by choosing to have an affair, your doing it again with your reminiscing of the good times you had with OM. The reality is you lied, cheated, snuck around on your family, why does that make you feel good? You own that for the rest of your life.

Edited June 20, 2013 by aliveagain
spelling

[Steadfast]

I think many divorces, tears and suffering could be avoided if most kids (boys and girls alike) read Michelle Lanegley's books at a young age.

 

One can agree with the books's contents or not. But it sure gives food for thought, concerning marriage and love relationships.

 

Langley's books (especially the first one) should be a state-mandated required reading to anyone applying for a marriage license. It's the only 'relationship' book I've read and the only one I'll ever read. There's no nonsense on how to win your wayward back, no instruction on how to become an Alpha male...no instruction at all really. That's the beauty of it. It teaches the reader how to think, not what to think. Big difference.

 

Sorry for your issues friend. On the bright side, your experiences can help others suffering similar problems. That's the beauty of giving. That's how we turn a negative into a positive. A bad story into a good story.

 

...I am trying NOT to think about OM and I have not broken NC, even though part of me wants to. I know he is not a good man, a serial cheater and whatever happens with me and H, I have no intentions whatsoever of making a life with OM. I made a big mistake with him.

Nope. A mistake is breaking a lamp with the mop handle. You made a decision. Get that clear. You'll never get ahead of this living in even semi denial. Don't throw sugar on it. I'm sorry isn't enough. Only doing counts.

 

Hey lostineurope----what would your feelings toward your POS, scumbag lover be---if your H---had not taken you back, and allowed you, your cushy lifestyle back...

 

Indeed.

 

This illustrates clearly not only the OP's mindset, but the thinking of cheaters in general. Even during post-affair depression the rationale continues to be "how can I make myself feel better?" The core of the problem -the belief that happiness is a right and not something to be pursued- reveals the calloused motivation of those who view lying, betrayal and shattering lives as collateral damage to attain that which they want.

 

You have your answer Lost. You haven't changed, just the scenery has.