I'm a WW post dday

[lostineurope]

So this is my first post here. I feel like I'm going crazy at the moment and I don't know who to speak to.

 

I had an affair with someone from work. It was very intense, I haven't felt such a strong chemistry with someone for years, sex was amazing and of course I started to fall for AP. It went on for 4 months. H found out when he found my secret email account. That was 3 weeks ago and I have had NC with AP since I cut it off with him that day.

 

H is devastated, very angry and seems to be swinging wildly from one emotion to another, but he is willing to give me another chance, which is amazing considering how much I've hurt him. We have 2 kids together and have been together 11 years, married for 7. I am really sorry I've hurt him and that I did such a cowardly thing, instead of talking to him about the problems in our marriage, or suggesting counselling.

 

I am having trouble though. H says that I am not showing that I love him or being affectionate or doing what is necessary to help him get over the affair. When he is yelling at me about the terrible things I've done, I feel like I'm retreating into a shell and it's creating a distance. I"m trying to be more affectionate with him but it's not coming naturally (and when I try to do it without it coming naturally he can tell and gets more angry. It's a vicious cycle.) We tried to have sex once 5 days after dday and I just couldn't do it, which made everything worse.

 

I know there is no future with AP but I can't stop thinking about him. Everyday it's like I am making a conscious effort not to contact him and it's really hard. For some reason I really want to talk to him because I feel he would understand my situation.

 

I feel terrible - why am I creating distance with my H when he is willing to reconcile? Do I secretly want to separate? I don't want to break up my family for my kids' sake (and yes I know I should have thought about that before having an affair, but it's too late now) but I don't know if I love my husband enough. Can the feelings I used to have for him come back? HOw can I have had such an incredible attraction to someone else if I love my husband? And how can I stop thinking about my AP? At the moment I can't even imagine being intimate with H and that is killing me. Am I just being a coward and should let H go?

 

I'm in IC and we're doing MC but only 2 sessions each so far as it's all fairly new.

 

Has anyone else been in this situation? What happened? What did you do? I am so confused and lost and I don't want to go on hurting H like this.

[Bittersweetie]

 

I know there is no future with AP but I can't stop thinking about him. Everyday it's like I am making a conscious effort not to contact him and it's really hard. For some reason I really want to talk to him because I feel he would understand my situation..

 

Hi Lost, I'm a fWW. My H and I reconciled.

 

I quoted the above because I went through this at first after d-day too. I thought about AP a lot, even though I hadn't seen or talked to him in months. And one day I realized the reason: escape. I wanted a way to escape the complete mess I'd made of things, and thinking of AP helped me escape. I wanted to talk to him too; but it was all just to escape.

 

So what I did in terms of thinking of AP is every time he popped in my head, I thought of something negative. Like my H's face when I told him. And soon I didn't want to think of him anymore. And that helped me focus on working on myself and my marriage.

 

Three weeks is a very short time. They say that it takes 2-5 years to recover from an A. In my case, it was about two years before it things were "normal," but every day I continue to work on myself and my relationship.

 

It's good that you're doing counseling. Consider reading "Not Just Friends." There is a pinned thread above about called "Notes for a Wayward Spouse" or something similar. And think about why you made the choice you did; it's all on you, not your H.

 

The road toward reconciliation is not easy by a long shot. If that is the choice you and your H make together, it takes a lot of work. You basically dropped a bomb on his life and nothing will ever be the same, even if you stay together. Things aren't going to heal quickly or easily.

 

I'm sorry if this seems a bit rambling...I hope it helps. Good luck, B

[Artie Lang]

how long was this going on?

 

was this OM married? his wife deserves to know.

 

 

if you two are still working together, you either have to quit or start looking for another job ASAP. you can't keep working with this man.

 

if you really want your marriage, you must be willing to go above and beyond in order to show you're all in.

[lostineurope]

It was a 4 month affair. He has a gf (in fact he left his wife for her a year or so ago) who doesn't know about our affair as far as i know.

 

I met him through work, but I'm not working there at the moment and when I go back, he won't be there, he'll be working somewhere else, totally unrelated to my job. So I will never see him at work again.

 

I know I must go above and beyond to save my marriage, but how do I get those feelings that are not there to come? Will feelings of desire for my husband come back? I have been trying to show physical affection anyway, but h says he knows I"m being fake...

[drifter777]

I'm a BH so cannot empathize with your situation at all. As I read your story all I saw was "cheater" and that you still love your AP. At this point you are not sure you want to continue your marriage and thus have no real commitment to reconcile with your husband. You may change your mind if you are able to get past your longing for your AP, but there's no guarantee. Would it help you to know that he probably only sees you as an easy piece of ass and will have no problem forgetting you to chase the next skirt that smiles at him? Men are all about sex and remember this as you try to move forward with your H. He will agonize over mental images of you and OM having all kinds of dirty sex and he will want to die. I'm sure that is at least partly the cause of the angry outbursts you refer to. This is normal behavior for a BH. Let me repeat that for you; your husband is reacting in a manner that is typical of a betrayed husband so you need to understand that and accept his anger, sadness, and shame. This is what your decision to cheat has done to him and it's something that can never be forgotten and will hurt him forever.

 

You do not seem truly sorry or willing to do absolutely anything to repair the damage you have done to him and your marriage. If your attitude doesn't change - and quick - tell him you want to divorce and let him start his life over again. He may be afraid to further upset your family and try to make everything ok and just get back to "normal", but if your heart isn't in it be strong enough to let him go. At that point he will deserve better than what you have done to him. Your children will survive just fine as long as the two of you are committed to being great parents even though you don't live together.

[oldshirt]

The pain over the loss of an AP is real. People can morn the loss of an AP just as much as losing any other passionate and/or intimate relationship.

 

Its also very common to have feelings of awkwardness or even distaste for the spouse once an affair has got past a certain point. Past a certain point people feel like they are cheating on their AP.

 

Having an affair produces a rush of hormones and brain chemistry that people may not have felt in many years or even decades. To suddenly cut that off can create withdrawls just like a drug addict being cut off from his/her drug.

 

The WS can also feel bitterness and resentment towards their BS for cutting off their contact and passion with their AP.

 

Your feelings are real. They may be misquided and wrong but they are real. IC and MC really are necessary to wade through all the complex emotions and debris left in the wake of an A. If you are to successfully reconcile you likley will require lots of time, lots of work and lots of competant professional counseling.

[Steadfast]

HOw can I have had such an incredible attraction to someone else if I love my husband?

 

You can't. You don't love your husband, probably don't love the OM but you DO love fulfilling your wants, needs and desires. No one is perfect, but the destruction of your marriage through infidelity is on you, and you alone.

 

Do what you will with the player, but do the right thing and divorce your husband. Do not take no for an answer. If you ever cared about him, do it.

[leonine]

I'm a former WW myself, about a year past d-day. You're in a rough spot at the moment. Yes, you're going through a breakup and breakups suck. There's going to be a mourning period and your husband probably won't be real empathetic (understandably so). Try and focus on his pain - his will remain long after you're over your OM. Move towards him when you most want to run away (unless you feel like you're in physical danger). It's your doing that he's in this place and you're the one who can do the most to heal him. Answer his questions truthfully - don't try and spare his feelings. Rip the band-aid off - the more truth you give him, the sooner he might feel like he can trust you again someday.

 

Stick with the NC no matter what. It's hard sometimes, but your feelings will fade with time. Use the suggestion that Bittersweetie made about replacing images of the OM with negative ones. In time you might get some clarity about the OM's real suitability as a mate. As others have pointed out, he's a serial cheater. You've dodged a bullet - you could have been his next victim.

 

You've made some bad choices, but it doesn't have to be a lost cause. It will be a long hard road though. Prepare yourself for it.

[Grumpybutfun]

Op-

It sounds as though you need to take some time and distance yourself from the situation. Perhaps, just tell your H that you need some time to get your head on straight and go see a Therapist. If you are unsure you even want to get back with your H then you won't be able to be sincere in your reconciliation. This is a terrible bind you are in, but with some therapy and time to get yourself together, you can figure out what you really want and pursue it. Remember that sometimes we make terrible mistakes, but sometimes we sabotage ourselves because we can think of no other way to get out of a situation we are unhappy in. Figure out which one you are and act accordingly.

Good luck,

Grumps

[Chi townD]

So, your AP had a wife that he left for his current girlfriend AND he was cheating on her with you. Yeah, he's a keeper.

 

Here's the truth of the matter. He doesn't give a sh*t about you. He doesn't give a sh*t about your kids, or you husband or even your marriage. All he cared about was getting a piece of ass. He knew all the right things to say and you gave it up freely.

 

Now, he gets to keep his girlfriend and walk away scott-free while your husband and your marriage is left in ruins. Hope he was worth all the pain and devastation that's happening right now.

 

Yeah, that's someone you really want to remember fondly...

[Ninja'sHusband]

So this is my first post here. I feel like I'm going crazy at the moment and I don't know who to speak to.

 

I had an affair with someone from work. It was very intense, I haven't felt such a strong chemistry with someone for years, sex was amazing and of course I started to fall for AP. It went on for 4 months. H found out when he found my secret email account. That was 3 weeks ago and I have had NC with AP since I cut it off with him that day.

 

H is devastated, very angry and seems to be swinging wildly from one emotion to another, but he is willing to give me another chance, which is amazing considering how much I've hurt him. We have 2 kids together and have been together 11 years, married for 7. I am really sorry I've hurt him and that I did such a cowardly thing, instead of talking to him about the problems in our marriage, or suggesting counselling.

 

I am having trouble though. H says that I am not showing that I love him or being affectionate or doing what is necessary to help him get over the affair. When he is yelling at me about the terrible things I've done, I feel like I'm retreating into a shell and it's creating a distance. I"m trying to be more affectionate with him but it's not coming naturally (and when I try to do it without it coming naturally he can tell and gets more angry. It's a vicious cycle.) We tried to have sex once 5 days after dday and I just couldn't do it, which made everything worse.

 

I know there is no future with AP but I can't stop thinking about him. Everyday it's like I am making a conscious effort not to contact him and it's really hard. For some reason I really want to talk to him because I feel he would understand my situation.

 

I feel terrible - why am I creating distance with my H when he is willing to reconcile? Do I secretly want to separate? I don't want to break up my family for my kids' sake (and yes I know I should have thought about that before having an affair, but it's too late now) but I don't know if I love my husband enough. Can the feelings I used to have for him come back? HOw can I have had such an incredible attraction to someone else if I love my husband? And how can I stop thinking about my AP? At the moment I can't even imagine being intimate with H and that is killing me. Am I just being a coward and should let H go?

 

I'm in IC and we're doing MC but only 2 sessions each so far as it's all fairly new.

 

Has anyone else been in this situation? What happened? What did you do? I am so confused and lost and I don't want to go on hurting H like this.

 

I say give it time, keep going to counseling..keep working on it the best you can. Your old marriage is dead, you need to rebuild a new one. It takes time(2 years minimum) and a lot of effort. The craziness at this point is completely expected. Your H does need to control his temper, but hopefully you can be understanding as well.

[karnak]

You can't. You don't love your husband, probably don't love the OM but you DO love fulfilling your wants, needs and desires. No one is perfect, but the destruction of your marriage through infidelity is on you, and you alone.

 

 

 

One of the great issues of our times. Most people have different ideas about Love.

 

Some think that sexual monogamy is a sign of love. Others see love as living with a person, having kids, etc. Others still think that lust is a form of love. Others see it as self-sacrifice, a life of hardships serving the other person, etc etc etc.

 

I guess everyone should take a sort of "love lessons" in school, in order to reflect upon the meaning of such a word.

 

Maybe Hollywood is to blame. Most people still think that having a religious marriage + breeding kids = TRUE LOVE.

[jnel921]

Yes Lostineurope, you are a coward. It's a shame that we as BS have to dig deep to discover what our Spouses are really up to when we sense that things are off in the M.

 

I am sure you could have worked on it, just like my own H could have listened and worked on us when I originally brought our own issues to his attention.

 

I see that after the discovery of the email account your H was upset yet willing to work on the M. I am guessing that this is what maybe makes you feel like you don't want to try. Perhaps had he thrown you out or packed your kids and left you would really feel the full impact of your actions.

 

The thoughts of you wanting to contact the OM again to discuss this is stupid. What do you think he will tell you? Pack yourself and your kids and come over? He doesn't know how you live, your kids, your bills, your life...you guys were secretly screwing. Does that a R make? Of course not.

 

Your H reaction is normal. His behavior right now is normal. But it seems that you don't really want to do this, nor are you remorseful. Had he not found you out I am sure it would have gone on longer. Now that it's in the open you feel forced to do the right thing and you really don't want to.

 

If that's how you feel, tell him the truth and spare him some false feelings. If I didn't feel the remorse or sense my H wanting us back, I'd be living somewhere else right now with my kids. That option will always be there since he has done this to me. Luckily he was not missing the OW and had no problem dropping her. But Then again I feel men are different and want just the sex while women are more emotional.

 

I hope you make the right decision genuinely.

[JustJoe]

OP. bottom line, if you aren't sure about anything, and still desire the OM, leave the marriage. Your husband deserves somebody who is fully committed. Don't use the kids as an excuse. But before you go, try to imagine your life with the OM, instead of your husband. You need some major help.

[janedoe67]

I have two questions:

 

What does your husband - the person you actually betrayed - think of you and what kind of change you are capable of?

 

Do YOU believe you are capable of change?

 

I'm not in the best position to give advice except make sure you focus on the fact that there are two people in your marriage and they are you and your husband.

[Running Man]

For some reason I really want to talk to him because I feel he would understand my situation.

 

Why wouldn't he understand your situation. You are F$#king your accomplice. You dont love your "Husband", your using him as plan B.

[Steadfast]

Maybe Hollywood is to blame. Most people still think that having a religious marriage + breeding kids = TRUE LOVE.

 

Maybe. I can't say what love is to you, the OP, or anyone else karnak, but I can say with confidence what it isn't. Truthfully? She's treating her enemies with more respect and devotion. That would be her OM for one...the cheating, home wrecking, lying, using scumbag she pines for in her heart.

 

This is twisted, evil, inside out thinking that subjects innocent people to pain and grief. How could someone 'love' or desire a person involved with that? Only pure, selfish motivation can cause such damaged reasoning.

 

I say leave the stereotypes out of it and look at the situation face value.

[karnak]

 

I say leave the stereotypes out of it and look at the situation face value.

 

I think many divorces, tears and suffering could be avoided if most kids (boys and girls alike) read Michelle Lanegley's books at a young age.

 

One can agree with the books's contents or not. But it sure gives food for thought, concerning marriage and love relationships.

 

Personally, as I'm growing older, I'm starting to firmly believe that some (many?) people aren't really made for marriage or long commitment. My old man, for instance, is one of those people.

My father is still married to my mother. But honestly, he should never have married. He turned life into a hell. Not only his, but also mine and my mother's.

 

Sad.

[lostineurope]

Thank you for your replies...some of them have been very helpful, especially the advice to think about my H or the damage I've done whenever AP comes into my head. I really wanted some advice about how to turn my feelings towards H and to hear from people who have been in this situation and managed to reconcile. I am aware it's going to take a long time and it's going to be very difficult.

 

I'd just like to say that I am trying NOT to think about OM and I have not broken NC, even though part of me wants to. I know he is not a good man, a serial cheater and whatever happens with me and H, I have no intentions whatsoever of making a life with OM. I made a big mistake with him. Rationally I know that, it does hurt to realise he was most probably just using me for sex, but in spite of that i still can't help thinking of him even though I really don't want to. I am really hoping that time and therapy can help to change this, as well as to help me understand what is wrong with me that would make me do such a thing in the first place. I don't want to cause anybody any pain like this again.

 

I also read the pinned thread for wayward spouses, which is very helpful.

[jnj express]

Hey lostineurope----what would your feelings toward your POS, scumbag lover be---if your H---had not taken you back, and allowed you, your cushy lifestyle back

 

What would you think of your POS lover---if your H, had immediately gone right to D---zero tolerance

 

I imagine, you would have awoken, real fast to the fact that you would be out alone, on your own, working overtime, just to make ends meet---you wouldn't be in a nice house, and your finances, would be a whole lot less---on top pf that, you would still be responsible for your kids, when you had them----you would wear the tag of adulterous, single mother with kids---do you think the above is an appealing scenario-------plus your kids, are not gonna think much of you, for destroying their lives--------does the above appeal to you----guess what, that is the REALITY, you are looking at, if you don't wake yourself up

 

You are being given a 2nd chance---you should be down on your F'ing knees thanking your H, and kissing your childrens feet, that they even still wanna call you mother

 

Its time to wake up, and become a mature responsible SELFLESS adult, alleged wife and mother---cuz right now you are just a SELFISH girl, who thinks of one person and one person only, and I am sure you know who I am referring to.

[Confused48]

Thank you for your replies...some of them have been very helpful, especially the advice to think about my H or the damage I've done whenever AP comes into my head. I really wanted some advice about how to turn my feelings towards H and to hear from people who have been in this situation and managed to reconcile. I am aware it's going to take a long time and it's going to be very difficult.

 

I'd just like to say that I am trying NOT to think about OM and I have not broken NC, even though part of me wants to. I know he is not a good man, a serial cheater and whatever happens with me and H, I have no intentions whatsoever of making a life with OM. I made a big mistake with him. Rationally I know that, it does hurt to realise he was most probably just using me for sex, but in spite of that i still can't help thinking of him even though I really don't want to. I am really hoping that time and therapy can help to change this, as well as to help me understand what is wrong with me that would make me do such a thing in the first place. I don't want to cause anybody any pain like this again.

 

I also read the pinned thread for wayward spouses, which is very helpful.

 

I think your heart is in the right place. I am sorry others here are so hard on you. I guess at least some of it is tough love. Wanting to wake you up to save you and/or to protect the BS in your situation.

 

I for one can see that you have to get over the AP. Regardless of whether he is total scum or not you have to get over him. You are clearly wanting to do that and that is the first step. I believe that in time you will no longer think of him fondly, if you think of him at all.

 

Good luck to you lost.

[BeholdtheMan]

Thank you for your replies...some of them have been very helpful, especially the advice to think about my H or the damage I've done whenever AP comes into my head. I really wanted some advice about how to turn my feelings towards H and to hear from people who have been in this situation and managed to reconcile. I am aware it's going to take a long time and it's going to be very difficult.

You can't force feelings, especially one as genuine as love. My advice: divorce your husband and set him free. You obviously don't love him enough.

 

As long as you two can be mature with regard to keeping contact with your children, I'd say divorce would be better for your kids. I foresee a miserable marriage likely to end in divorce anyway if you try to force reconciliation.

[jnj express]

IMHO---she ain't in love---she is just hot for what he, her lover, trotted out to her

 

If she had stated to him, I am never gonna spread my legs for you---how long do you think he would have pursued her---it would have dried up, just like that

 

The big fact here is, her H, has really not put any hard consequences down on her, and she has no accountability---she is still in her marital bed, she is still in her cushy lifestyle, she still has her job---nothing has changed, so why should she change

 

Maybe you don't turn passion off just like that, but as to love----it ain't the love that is brought on by a long, mature, working relationship, filled with family life, and kids, it isn't the love two who go thru learning to live together, and love together and form a permanent relationship, it ain't that love,-----its just the chemicals that come from hot steamy sex, and no responsibility, how about infatuation.

 

If her H, had filed for D---I promise you, we would be dealing with a whole different set of circumstances, from lostineurope---and am willing to bet---her scumbag lover, would be gone with the wind.

[aliveagain]

Lady, do not throw away the gift of reconciliation, it's a gift that has to be earned, phoning or contacting OM will cancel that gift faster than your ability to find a rental apartment. What ever made you think you could fix your marriage by bringing a predator into it? How does banging some guy at work help fix things with your husband, how does that help your children? He left his wife for his current girlfriend, do you think he will now leave his girlfriend for you with your additional baggage of two young children? Girl, you were had, he had his way with you for 4 months, he knew you were safe because you were in a committed relationship. Try telling him you are leaving your husband for him and you and the kids will be over next week, see how fast he throws your ass under the bus. You need to focus your energy on your family instead of the fiction of your affair before it is too late. You need to wake up real fast, Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass is an excellent book someone has recommended you read, please make sure your husband reads it too. It takes years to get over infidelity and some marriages never recover. You must of considered that before you started dating the serial cheater. Hope you, your children and your husband can survive this as a family, regardless, you all will survive this.

[aliveagain]

Something that may help you with your thoughts about OM. Every time you have happy thoughts about you and him imagine that you, your husband and your two children are all sitting at your kitchen table, not for a family meal but to have the talk we that are divorced all had to have with our children, that mommy is leaving daddy. It's up to you as to what reason you decide to give them now but remember, at some point in the future they will be old enough to ask you for the truth, they will want to know why their family didn't make it. Are you going to lie to them again? You will have to explain why they have a step dad and a step mom, assuming you both remarry. Yes you will have to explain to them why you thought OM was a better choice over their dad knowing OM's history of cheating and leaving his wife and girlfriends to be with others. I guess if you believe OM is a better choice that's all that matters. If your relationship with OM survives a future OW maybe he will grow to like your kids almost as much as your husband. Hope this helps you when you have happy thoughts about the man that is helping you destroy your family. Commit yourself one way or another or all relationships will fail.