Picking_Daisy Posted June 19, 2013 Posted June 19, 2013 Some background: About 10 yrs ago, my husband sat me down to tell me that although he loved me and wanted to stay married to me, he just was not attracted to me at all and did not need to be sexually intimate w/me- but- he said he understood that I would need it from him, and so, he would do me that favor sometimes-but I should be the one to ask. Otherwise, he wanted us to continue to raise our then 1yr old chronically ill son and 6yr old daughter. I was stunned. I was crushed; no, devastated is a better word. I had just quit my job to stay home and care for my medically needy child. And then, my H expressed the desire to live like brother and sister. I did not say a word. Coped by throwing myself into running and raising my kids. I thought I took good care of myself, and others. Felt trapped and consumed by my son's new diagnosis...so i stayed. Fast forward. 2 yrs ago, my H was diagnosed w/a sex addiction and intimacy disorder. We went to a special MC/IC and my H disclosed tons of cheating, porn, strip club adventures. All explain his rejection of me, the verbal abuse, the emotional detachment. My response was roll up my sleeves and work on healing, in myself and my part of our M. H has been sober for about 2 yrs, going to ic and group meetings. I have done group and ic to heal. Despite all our efforts, and my H's work and IC, the intimacy disorder rears its head. One night this spring, after yet another rejection, i was spent- but felt the need to stay b/c it takes 2 of us to manage the chronically ill child. He says he knows he has a problem not allowing me to express myself and is working on it. I know i am emotionally exhausted and my spirit has been broken. A month after our huge fight, I met a man in an online forum who was so kind and patient- of course told me everything i had wanted to hear. Yes, I knew i was vulnerable, looking to be heard, was on a bad path. I know it is, and cannot be real. I must be so desperate to hear kind and loving words, that I feel drawn to this EA. This man lives far from me, but we chat daily. Mostly about life, actually. I thought about why I feel the desire to be heard by another man and my thoughts go back to when my H told me in a fit of anger a decade ago that no man would ever want me, b/c that is how ugly and silly I am. I have yet to digest that properly and know it has played a part in my vulnerability. None of my background excuses any of my behavior. A sad story does not justify anything. We all have disappointments, tragedy. Not all cheat. I am in this turmoil of knowing what it is like to be cheated-on, knowing it is wrong, and yet knowing that my situation probably will not change for a long time. I need to be here to raise my kids and manage the medical issues. My H seems content to just have me do that. He knows I am completely broken over the last event. We get along great, as long as I don't share how I am feeling. So, I chat daily with a man who tells me jokes, allows me to express myself, tells me what a beautiful person i am, shares his feelings, dreams and fears w/me. All things i have never known. Real or not, a need is being met. I am torn and broken about my situation and choices- past and present.
janedoe67 Posted June 19, 2013 Posted June 19, 2013 So, I chat daily with a man who tells me jokes, allows me to express myself, tells me what a beautiful person i am, shares his feelings, dreams and fears w/me. All things i have never known. Real or not, a need is being met. I am torn and broken about my situation and choices- past and present. This broke my heart and I know the advice I am supposed to give you is that this is wrong. And yes it is. But I know this feeling so well it just broke my heart.
Snowflower Posted June 19, 2013 Posted June 19, 2013 I'm not going to beat you up about "cheating" on your H. What I don't "get" about these types of situations is that the online "man" could be anyone. A pedophile, an ex-felon, drug-dealer, you name it. I've heard of these men who try to "seduce" vulnerable women via cyberspace to swindle money out of them. He could be someone you would not want to even slightly associate with IRL for various reasons. Heck, "he" could be a "she." You have no idea who this person even is. Why do you waste your time on this unknown person? It seems dangerous. Are you that needy for attention that you will take it from an unknown source? He says a some pretty words and holds your hand in cyberspace and that is it? 2
Author Picking_Daisy Posted June 19, 2013 Author Posted June 19, 2013 Thanks Snowflower and Janedoe67 for your replies. Janedoe67, i'm sorry you can relate. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I would love nothing more than for my H to be capable of a two way intimate relationship. But, sadly, this might be the best he can do. Snowflower, how right you are about safety. I am glad I have not given any important info out. He has given me his full name, company etc. so that i could run a check on him, if i so choose. One thing i will say is that i know we will never meet in person. He is in a very far from me. We just seem to enjoy each other's company for the moment. And I guess my situation is in such tatters that I do enjoy hearing nice words at the moment. I know it is escape, not going to last, not going to materialize into anything- so in a way, the cyber-friendship is safer for me than banging my head against a wall w/my H. Just sad and torn that I am in this spot and wanted to vent.
AbeNormal Posted June 20, 2013 Posted June 20, 2013 (edited) I'm not going to beat you up about "cheating" on your H. What I don't "get" about these types of situations is that the online "man" could be anyone. A pedophile, an ex-felon, drug-dealer, you name it. I've heard of these men who try to "seduce" vulnerable women via cyberspace to swindle money out of them. He could be someone you would not want to even slightly associate with IRL for various reasons. Heck, "he" could be a "she." You have no idea who this person even is. Why do you waste your time on this unknown person? It seems dangerous. Are you that needy for attention that you will take it from an unknown source? He says a some pretty words and holds your hand in cyberspace and that is it? Picking_Daisy, Snowflower makes a very important point. Let me attempt to add to that from a guy's perspective. If this man were available, genuine and "a catch" he would not continue to invest time chatting up a married woman who is very far away. He would be out seeking a real relationship. (Actually, in the above we can just stop at the married woman thing. Unless you haven't told him. Even if you haven't, then the very far away - and not really tangible - would be enough...) Another possibility, in addition to those that Snowflower has pointed out, is that while he spends his internet time "talking pretty" to you and coming across as a great guy via his false persona, his wife is somewhere else in the house feeling neglected, rejected and hurt. Anyway, I wish you the best (either with or without your husband). But might this internet thing just be a crutch keeping/stalling you from doing the hard work that is going to have to be done? Edited June 20, 2013 by AbeNormal 3
Snowflower Posted June 20, 2013 Posted June 20, 2013 Thanks Snowflower and Janedoe67 for your replies. Janedoe67, i'm sorry you can relate. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I would love nothing more than for my H to be capable of a two way intimate relationship. But, sadly, this might be the best he can do. Snowflower, how right you are about safety. I am glad I have not given any important info out. He has given me his full name, company etc. so that i could run a check on him, if i so choose. One thing i will say is that i know we will never meet in person. He is in a very far from me. We just seem to enjoy each other's company for the moment. And I guess my situation is in such tatters that I do enjoy hearing nice words at the moment. I know it is escape, not going to last, not going to materialize into anything- so in a way, the cyber-friendship is safer for me than banging my head against a wall w/my H. Just sad and torn that I am in this spot and wanted to vent. Okay, I'm just worried about you is all. Not that it matters what I think, but it is a colossal waste of time for you to investing anything in this online relationship. Your H sounds like an a** and IMO you should concentrate on getting out of your marriage and moving on. I'm very Pollyanna-ish about saving marriages but from what you write, this is not the case for you. Save your time and energy for getting stronger emotionally (not saying that you aren't that way now) so that when you are free and ready, you can meet someone IRL if you choose. 2
BetrayedH Posted June 20, 2013 Posted June 20, 2013 I thinkyou need to get out of this mentality that you are "stuck" in this marriage. I tried hard to save my marriage but when the divorce happened, I found that in many ways, life was easier. When my exwife has the kids, it's a break for me. And if your H would not be taking the kids, you would very likely be receiving a gracious amount of court-mandated child support. I think you need to take a much more serious look at a divorce. 1
JustAReformedGirl Posted June 21, 2013 Posted June 21, 2013 The relationship you share with your husband is toxic, sweetheart. He belittles you, he treats you like complete crap, expects you to keep all of your feelings bottled up while playing the "dutiful, sexless, loveless wife". You deserve so much better than this. I'm not saying go to this random guy on the internet; if you're only intention is to talk to him, to get some of this off your chest, and if he's glad to be a long-distance friend, that's great. You need an outlet. I know you're worried about your children-particularly the sickly one-but you can't stay in an abusive relationship, based on that. There are ways you can take care of your children-without that pitiful man that dares to call himself your husband. Is there any family you can stay with? If so, please, get a divorce, hon. Save yourself from him! He's a vampire; he's stealing your happiness, your vitality. Your children may need care, but you need to take care of you, too. Please, take care of yourself.
BeholdtheMan Posted June 21, 2013 Posted June 21, 2013 *SNIP* Usually I have nothing but contempt for cheaters...but in your case, I am very sympathetic. Goes to show that there are always exceptions to the rule. Your husband isn't worth your time. He's a serial cheater who has no sexual interest in you. That's not a recipe for marriage, that's a recipe for misery, your misery. Are you able to support yourself? I honestly see divorce a the only viable path for you...unless you're OK with a domestic partnership relationship in which you can both enjoy intimacy with other people
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