heart12 Posted June 19, 2013 Posted June 19, 2013 Been no contact for 37 days. She told me we were too dependent on each other and she felt she had to grow on her own for a while. She needed to take a step back (and out) so we could finally see if we wanted each other or if we needed each other. She gave me examples of some people we know who split for a while and then got back together and stayed together. During this I was telling her how I felt we could have a more independent relationship which would be healthy for both of us and I could see her facial expression changing almost ready to give it a try but in the end she stuck to her guns. She was also about to go away for a month. She loved the comfort the relationship gave her and she loves me (well she did 5 weeks ago) very much and deeply. Throughout the break up she was actually the one doing all the crying. We discussed how she was confused and I told her she needed to take this time and space and figure out what she wants because I can’t be the only one in it. The worst is a week before we broke up she whispered in my ear that I was the love of her life. 1
theonlyjuan Posted June 19, 2013 Posted June 19, 2013 How old is she? She just sounds a bit mixed up and confused. If she is young she probably doesn't know what she wants
theonlyjuan Posted June 19, 2013 Posted June 19, 2013 Sort of similar to mine, but mine never loved me. Maybe you are in her life at the wrong time. It's not your fault or hers. Nothing you can do about it. Just leave her be and maybe she will contact you when she has sorted her head out.
aloneinaz Posted June 19, 2013 Posted June 19, 2013 To answer your question, yes, breaking contact works but the question is, does it work LONG TERM. My ex broke up with me 3 times in the last year. I let some time go by and got her back each time though honestly, I should of let her go. Now, what I've really learned is when couples break up, the chances of a long term relationship/marriage ever working is RARE. I know a lot of long term married couples. NONE of them EVER broke up at any stage of the relationship. They wouldn't of dared risk LOSING the other during a break up stage. As i said above, I was broken up with 3 times and i broke up with her twice. Guess what, were not together anymore.. BTW, girls love to throw around that line of "your the love of my life". Mine told me that and broke up with me a week later. Our final break up day she'd told me earlier in the day that I was stuck with her for the rest of my life and failure wasn't an option. Then that night she put her arms around me and told me she loved me only to starting talking poorly to me again after I "annoyed" her which led me to tell her it was getting old. She then said she was done and I left. My point is both m/f say all sorts of things like that only to end it w/out much thought.
Author heart12 Posted June 19, 2013 Author Posted June 19, 2013 Just leave her be? I've left her be for 38 days now... I don't see how she can love me so much and still do this. Since we've split I've grown quite a bit, developed a much healthier lifestyle (independent, hobbies, friends etc...) and feel I am ready for it. Actually be it with her or the next girl that is the type of relationship I want and this point in my life. Just not sure how to show it to her so that she gives us another go. It is SO hard to let go of a relationship when I know how much we love each other.
aloneinaz Posted June 19, 2013 Posted June 19, 2013 It is SO hard to let go of a relationship when I know how much we love each other. Sorry, if she was really deeply in love with you she wouldn't of let you go. Her not reaching back out to you after 37 days only reinforces that point. Stay no contact and move forward with your life. There's plenty of available women out there when you're ready. 1
Author heart12 Posted June 19, 2013 Author Posted June 19, 2013 To answer your question, yes, breaking contact works but the question is, does it work LONG TERM. My ex broke up with me 3 times in the last year. I let some time go by and got her back each time though honestly, I should of let her go. Now, what I've really learned is when couples break up, the chances of a long term relationship/marriage ever working is RARE. I know a lot of long term married couples. NONE of them EVER broke up at any stage of the relationship. They wouldn't of dared risk LOSING the other during a break up stage. It's interesting you say that because since we broke up I've told my story to many people older than me and I find it remarkable how many of them (now happily married) split up early on for 2-3 months and got back together. BTW we were together 2.5 years.
Author heart12 Posted June 19, 2013 Author Posted June 19, 2013 Sorry, if she was really deeply in love with you she wouldn't of let you go. Her not reaching back out to you after 37 days only reinforces that point. Stay no contact and move forward with your life. There's plenty of available women out there when you're ready. I think she believes so strongly that she has to do this that if she reaches out it will A) make it harder on both of us and B) make it too hard for her not to get back together. Sucks.
oldshirt Posted June 19, 2013 Posted June 19, 2013 "We need a break," "...step back," "I need time..." "I need to sort things out" etc etc etc almost always can be directly translated into, " I want to try this othere dude on for size and if that works out I will let you go completely but I want you to remain on reserve in case it doesnt work out or I change my mind." In other words she wants to see someone(s) else to see if that is a bigger and better deal but she doesnt want to cut the cord with you untill she knows for sure. Your decision in allof this is if you are willing to sit on the shelf and wait in the wings while shebangs some other dude(s) and then take her back if they turn out to be playa's just playing her or if she decides they werent better after all. Or if you just write her off and move on with your life and then when she turns up after getting pumped and dumped by some playa, you tell her your busy and wish her well in carrying on with her life. 2
Author heart12 Posted June 19, 2013 Author Posted June 19, 2013 "We need a break," "...step back," "I need time..." "I need to sort things out" etc etc etc almost always can be directly translated into, " I want to try this othere dude on for size and if that works out I will let you go completely but I want you to remain on reserve in case it doesnt work out or I change my mind." In other words she wants to see someone(s) else to see if that is a bigger and better deal but she doesnt want to cut the cord with you untill she knows for sure. Your decision in allof this is if you are willing to sit on the shelf and wait in the wings while shebangs some other dude(s) and then take her back if they turn out to be playa's just playing her or if she decides they werent better after all. Or if you just write her off and move on with your life and then when she turns up after getting pumped and dumped by some playa, you tell her your busy and wish her well in carrying on with her life. Normally I would agree with you but that is not the case. We broke up right before she was set to leave for a month for a new job (the job is in the middle of nowhere on a reserve- no available dudes around). She is now back but is leaving end of the summer for 4 months. Based on that - I would say NO that is not why she ended it.
theonlyjuan Posted June 19, 2013 Posted June 19, 2013 Doesn't always mean someone else is involved or she wants other guys.
oldshirt Posted June 19, 2013 Posted June 19, 2013 It's interesting you say that because since we broke up I've told my story to many people older than me and I find it remarkable how many of them (now happily married) split up early on for 2-3 months and got back together. BTW we were together 2.5 years. Yeah there are lots of people that have gotten back together after breaking up and screwing other people and generally treating each other badly but that doesnt mean that they should have. Taking "breaks" helps people transition back into single life or dating/screwing othef people. It does not help transition into a more healthy or more serious relationship. People that want to be together ARE together. People that need breaks and "time to sort out feelings etc" dont want to be together and need that time to make the final cut. 3
inaya42 Posted June 19, 2013 Posted June 19, 2013 not every breakup is based on wanting to be with a specific other person. sometimes the relationship feels unsuitable, inadequate, draining. so people break up because the relationship no longer feels right to/for them. at the same time, being officially single frees one to explore others. that possibility just comes with having a single status, so no one should be too shocked when/if that happens...
oldshirt Posted June 19, 2013 Posted June 19, 2013 Normally I would agree with you but that is not the case. We broke up right before she was set to leave for a month for a new job (the job is in the middle of nowhere on a reserve- no available dudes around). She is now back but is leaving end of the summer for 4 months. Based on that - I would say NO that is not why she ended it. There may not have been a specific person lined up but She at least wants that opportunity to be an available option.
Author heart12 Posted June 19, 2013 Author Posted June 19, 2013 When we broke up she talked about how when she is with me she feels amazing and wonderful but then when we're apart she feels anxiety about the relationship.
inaya42 Posted June 19, 2013 Posted June 19, 2013 yes, it sounds like she was ambivalent and struggling but has come down on the side of breaking up. when someone says s/he wants out, it is good to love and respect that person enough to hear them and release them. she will let you know if she changes her mind.
oldshirt Posted June 19, 2013 Posted June 19, 2013 Doesn't always mean someone else is involved or she wants other guys. There are cases of abuse or where the relationship is just plain crappy or they realize the other person just isnt what they want where there isnt a plan B warming up on deck, but eve then in those instances it usually just results in a break up. In almost every other situation involving a 23 year old female, a "break" is either them wanting to try someone else on for size or they want the opportunity to play the field for awhile and see what else is out there but they want to have a safetynet to fall back on. When that happens the BF's only option is to determine if he wants to sit on the shelf in reserve as a safety net or whether he wants to move and see what else is out there for him as well. 1
oldshirt Posted June 19, 2013 Posted June 19, 2013 When we broke up she talked about how when she is with me she feels amazing and wonderful but then when we're apart she feels anxiety about the relationship. Direct translatation - "you are a decent person and you treat me well when we are togethe and you havent committed any offenses and I always have anice time when we are together but I doubt that you are "the one" and I want the opportunity to see other people to see if someone else is a better match for me."
Author heart12 Posted June 19, 2013 Author Posted June 19, 2013 To make it clear this was a break up and not just a break. I believe she truly does want to be single so she can find her way. She has gone from one profession and now has changed to social work. She won't be around the city for much longer and will be back working out of town in a remote area. Since we were very much each other's everything, I think she found it hard to find time to try out new hobbies or really immerse herself in her new work. Is it not possible she needed a step back so we could get back to being our independent selves again in order to have a proper relationship? Not EVERY break up follows the same rules.
Author heart12 Posted June 19, 2013 Author Posted June 19, 2013 What is the worst that can happen by messaging her?
oldshirt Posted June 19, 2013 Posted June 19, 2013 What is the worst that can happen by messaging her? You will waste valuable time and energy that you could be spending on moving forward with your life and you will be prolonging the pain, frustration and dissatisfaction you feel over your break up. The worst that will happen is you get your hopes up and you reinvest youself in tto a dead relationship. 1
Author heart12 Posted June 19, 2013 Author Posted June 19, 2013 But isn't there a possibility that we could start a NEW relationship that will succeed?
aloneinaz Posted June 19, 2013 Posted June 19, 2013 If it didn't work the first time, why would it work the second time? Most relationships don't work the second time or more. Ask me how I know! My ex wife and I broke up a few times while dating. The marriage was terrible and it was a continuation of the dating. My recent ex and I broke up multiple times. The same problems would come right back after the new "honeymoon" phase ended after getting back together. In fact, they got worse after each reconnection. We kept getting back together to end the pain and suffering of the break ups. Now, I realize I gone thru this same pain and suffering multiple times from the same girl. I'm brilliant! haha So, google do relationships last after break ups and you see the odds are very small, especially at a young age.
oldshirt Posted June 19, 2013 Posted June 19, 2013 But isn't there a possibility that we could start a NEW relationship that will succeed? Sure, and it ranks right there with the possibility of winning the lottery or getting hit by a meteorite or finding lost treasure in your backyard. She broke up with you because she no longer wished to continue dating you. Your relationship had run it's course for her and she ended it and moved on with her life. You should do the same. 2
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