SameAsItEverWas Posted June 19, 2013 Posted June 19, 2013 Hi all, I'd really love it if anyone had a little insight into my situation. I'm a bit confused and don't know what to do. I started seeing this great girl about 3-4 weeks ago. We're both over 35. There was the usual mutual attraction and flirting, then some dates, then sex and sleepovers, and then a couple of weekends away. All good! We would text a fair bit, send little x's and o's and be all cute and open that way. BUT! There's been a gradual cooling down of all that texting stuff over the last three weeks. I would say as soon as the in person relationship started getting a bit more personal, the virtual one shut down. She can take hours to reply to a text and never texts first at all, unless I literally let it go all day, then she'll send a little note, like a photo or something. But it used to be every day, and way more of it, and flirty, affectionate stuff. She's affectionate when together, holding hands and not afraid of PDAs. And we definitely got a bit deeper, sharing personal stuff and past stuff. She made a couple of references to our mutual life plans, seeing if we could work them in together if we ended up being together at that time. She said that she felt like she wasn't getting any younger and we both talked about not wasting our time, or the other person's time, if we didn't feel things would go that way. Then, a kiss goodnight, and a retreat to our separate places. It was as if she took a couple of steps back, some friends say it's cause she likes me and just needs to assert her space when she's not with me, that kind of protective thing. We have plans this week, that she initiated, but once those plans were in place I hardly heard from her at all. It impacts how I act and affects my confidence. Any ideas? I miss the little messages. Don't want to mess it up. Should I ask her? Give it another month? Just take the lead? Thanks for any opinions!!
ses Posted June 19, 2013 Posted June 19, 2013 She may be ambivalent due to her desire to settle down and establish a commitment with you. You all have been dating for just a few weeks but it sounds like she already wants exclusivity. Have you guys been married before? Do you have kids? If not, she may feel like her biological clock is ticking as she has already mentioned where you see her in the future. I would talk with her, and ask her what she wants. Convey to her your expectations and proceed from there. Don't rush into anything, and go at your speed and comfort level.
Ninjainpajamas Posted June 19, 2013 Posted June 19, 2013 (edited) Depends on what her issues or past is like, this could be a way of her letting you maintain the interest and her establishing some independence and control over her emotions...or on the flip-side just settling into things and not feeling so overwhelmed to be lovey dovey in your face all of the time, maybe she does feel a bit smothered by you at this point in the game. At any rate my advice would be to pull back and leave things be, I wouldn't be overly concerned and let it affect your confidence...personally If I was in your shoes I wouldn't even notice because I'm the one who tends to need their space as well. Once plans are made I feel fine and confident about everything instead of having doubts, It's not that I'm not thinking about or missing the person but at the same time I know we're going to see each other soon...so I do like my personal space, I don't need this constant communication, but then again If she pulls away I wouldn't be paranoid either, I'd figure she has her reasons. Personally I don't think you should make this into a thing unless you get more of this or it gets progressively distant and disconnected...this just may be an incompatibility or simply her interest feigning...which I know a lot of people "try" to make someone not disconnect or pull away but that just tends to push them farther...you've got to give someone their space and let them come back to you under their own will, and own motivation IMO....I wouldn't panic, but that's probably easier to say than do for yourself. I mean this is why you date...just because it sounds good on paper and you want the same things doesn't mean it's going to work out. Edited June 19, 2013 by Ninjainpajamas
salparadise Posted June 19, 2013 Posted June 19, 2013 The flirty texting and such has served it's purpose... you two are together and now that you have a actual relationship there's not much need to carry on a virtual one. I had the same experience. Texts became less frequent and more practical. It's still good to maintain connection that way, but no need to live in that realm. You're done with the appetizer, enjoy the entree'. 1
Author SameAsItEverWas Posted June 19, 2013 Author Posted June 19, 2013 (edited) Thanks for replying, you guys. I find it a bit unnerving 'cause I'm still in that phase where I expect to do those things for a little bit. It might really just be me...I hope that its the case where things are sort of cemented now, we've talked, shared, arrived at some degree of comfort, and she feels we can dispense with the regular texty stuff. We both confided that we don't often 'date', we just live our lives until someone comes along. I'm pretty sure I reassured her that I was interested in something long term and wasn't fly by night kind of thing. She did make a comment about the fact that I've had a couple of 3-5 year relationships that didn't work out. She said that it might seem like I'm not able to love or commit long term, but I assured her that wasn't the case, and it totally isn't. She sent me a good night text, with a little kiss attached, the other day, so that's something. Guess I'll see how things go when I next see her, and then make some plans for the weekend, too. Keep the momentum, be cool. Easy to type, not as easy to feel! Edited June 19, 2013 by SameAsItEverWas
jolie_baby Posted June 19, 2013 Posted June 19, 2013 From a woman, I think she is a bit more relaxed in the relationship now and that actually is a GOOD SIGN! I wouldn't worry about or or be pushy or clingy on these text. It was just a phase when you didn't have the contacts in person. Now you have the real thing which she and you look forward to. Don't dwell there too much and just live it with her... p/s and oh, do not take few steps back or change with her, as some of the posters advised... that will just complicate things... save all your affection till you see her
Star Gazer Posted June 19, 2013 Posted June 19, 2013 If you're over 35 and neither one of you want to waste each other's time, this is the perfect opportunity to simply TALK to HER about how you're feeling.
Ninjainpajamas Posted June 19, 2013 Posted June 19, 2013 Thanks for replying, you guys. I find it a bit unnerving 'cause I'm still in that phase where I expect to do those things for a little bit. It might really just be me...I hope that its the case where things are sort of cemented now, we've talked, shared, arrived at some degree of comfort, and she feels we can dispense with the regular texty stuff. We both confided that we don't often 'date', we just live our lives until someone comes along. I'm pretty sure I reassured her that I was interested in something long term and wasn't fly by night kind of thing. She did make a comment about the fact that I've had a couple of 3-5 year relationships that didn't work out. She said that it might seem like I'm not able to love or commit long term, but I assured her that wasn't the case, and it totally isn't. She sent me a good night text, with a little kiss attached, the other day, so that's something. Guess I'll see how things go when I next see her, and then make some plans for the weekend, too. Keep the momentum, be cool. Easy to type, not as easy to feel! I think that's enough and you're not any sort of regressive state...not to negate the other posters advice but the men who pour it on with affection only when they meet the woman tend to be moreso the push and pull men which many women are accustomed to, so the fact that you are consistent and attentive is a good thing, however you don't want to be the only one engaging in that behavior all of the time...it's good to pull back and let her engage you as well...so give her the chance, don't pull back emotionally however if that clears things up. You could talk to her about this but it may be seen as weak or clingy, communication is important and it's very important to express how you feel but you have to make sure you can also trust the person you are telling with that information...if she's already judging you from her past, she might already be quick to judge you on your behavior...even if it's just you trying to appear transparent...some women don't respond well to that and just see this is depending on their own mood and state of mind...women are funny like that and always hold to their discretion what place or direction they are traveling in at any given time....kind of like a ufo...which makes me believe they may in fact be aliens O.o
Author SameAsItEverWas Posted June 20, 2013 Author Posted June 20, 2013 (edited) Woah guys, so I had a date last night and we talked. It started out kind of awkward. After a weekend together that had a fair bit of personal sharing and talking, there was hardly any contact for two days. I was waiting for her to initiate, and she was probably doing the same thing. So jumping to last night, yeah, she shows up and it's a bit weird. She's stiff. Somewhat formal. A quick kiss and hug, 'nice to see you!' And I'm thinking, 'hoo boy.' But I just pushed forward. We sat down for a coffee, I grabbed her hand, made eye contact, listened, encouraged. Slowly the barriers came down a bit. She again talked about her plans. And asked me about mine. Then, eventually, asked about how her's fit with mine. And I said that if we were together, in love, then that's the most important thing and I'd be open to working out something together. Finally I said that I had felt there were some things I wanted to talk about and she encouraged me to. We got into that and what she expressed was that she didn't think I was interested. She felt that I was content to be with my friends, do my sports, and just live my life the way I am. A girl might drift in but then they'd drift right out again. She didn't want to fall for something that wasn't going to go anywhere. I did my best to express that it wasn't like that for me, told her that I liked her, and said I didn't want to lose the chance to see where we go. She mentioned that she felt like just a friend that I would sleep with, and didn't feel woo'd. That my interest and intentions weren't as open and forward as she was used to. I can see this. I've held back 'cause I want to make sure she's real. I start slow. I asked what kind of things she liked and she said the usual stuff - little notes, little gifts, nice dinners out, proper dates. She said most of the stuff we'd done felt like things I would do with my pals, and she was just along instead of one of them. A valid point, I admit. I've read a lot about the need to take the lead and to be confident. I'm getting it. I've dated lots of granola type girls that weren't like that, but there was always something missing. They lacked a femininity that I really want in a partner. I'm realizing that I attracted this type of woman because I default to a protective sort of withdrawal. Those are the girls that I could get away with that with. They were laid back about traditional and that dating formality. I appreciate that, and that's where I want a relationship to end up, but lesson learned - I gotta make the plans, own the plans, and get to that point with a woman that has that femininity and is my compliment. And if I invest that time and money in something that isn't right, then that's that, I guess, I've got a lot going for me and I'll pick up, dust off, and look again. Critical to live your life and maintain your direction personally. Sometimes hard to do, but very important. I expect it'll be a little awkward for the next couple of dates, but I think things'll smooth over. Pretty funny that I thought she wasn't interested, and she was thinking I wasn't interested. Or that I was just taking things in stride and not all that invested. Anyway. Thanks for commenting and for reading! I just sort of used this note as a journal of sorts, but felt it would fit in here, in the context of this conversation. It's hard sometimes. But you need to come out of your shell to encourage someone else to come out of their shell. I'm the guy, so by default that's me and Ima gonna own it. Edited June 20, 2013 by SameAsItEverWas 1
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