My bizarre behaviour strikes again

[Sampo]

Hey, I just stumbled across this site, looks great, very useful and quite timely. Im not sure if my story is in the right section, sorry if its not.

 

I will try to keep it brief and change some details to protect the innocent.

 

A few months ago I met the most incredible girl through a friend. She is separated from her husband (over 12 months ago) but I wasn't sure of their situation. She lives a couple of hours drive away. We texted for a while, she drove to see me for a day a few times. We have never been intimate in any way. We got along very well. She is very intelligent, incredibly nice and so good looking. We decided to meet in a neutral city, which I took a flight to and she drove, as it was closer to her town. She picked me up from the airport, we went and had a good lunch (which she insisted on paying for), went to watch a sporting event and had coffee afterwards. Was a great night. We had separate hotel rooms, which she insisted on paying for both. I was scheduled to fly out the next afternoon and we discussed having breakfast the next morning and hanging out. At dinner that night we talked about our previous relationships. She said her husband and she still loved each other but weren't in love. I heard this the wrong way around, but it was still a good dinner and night.

 

Well, when we got back to our separate rooms I started to feel the green eyed monster rise up. I just focussed on negative things and convinced myself that she was still in love with her husband. I just wanted to get out and leave to go home. I couldn't sleep so I sent her text saying that I was going to book an earlier flight first thing in the morning and not to worry about dropping me off, that I would get a cab.

 

I didn't get a response until the next morning which was just brief and didn't say much, not understanding what I meant. I said I was going, that I was very grateful for everything but I had to go.

 

I flew back and texted her that night to explain further. No response (understandably). I didn't text her the next day. The following day after that I did asking if she was ok, apologised and that I would like to explain if I had the opportunity to. She responded saying that she was left speechless and it was a long text which was polite and saying some good things but basically shutting the whole thing down. I replied and said that I needed to explain myself further. She texted and said no need.

 

I texted later that night, a long one basically saying that I misunderstood what she said and meant and how much I liked her and didn't want her out of my life, etc. No response.

 

I am such an idiot. I do this every time I get strong feelings for someone. I guess Im just putting it out there to get peoples feelings on whether I have a chance to redeem myself and speak with her again. I really like this girl and would like to have a relationship with her, but I think I have ruined any chance of anything, ever with her.

Thanks.

[Joaquin]

I dunno. Ur impulsive actions may have been yr saviour here.

 

A still married not-divorced woman tells a guy who flew to meet her that she still loves her husband, but is not in love. F that semantic horse****. Why say that to a new guy, unless.... it was yr little warning that she still loves her husband.

 

Id stay away from separated not divorced people.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Yeah...you can pretty much kick yourself in the butt 100 times for this as far as I'm concerned because you handled this very immaturely and let your anxieties get the best of you.

 

This woman sounds like a pretty good catch from everything you stated about her, she even met you half way on a lot of things, taking the initiative in a lot of ways...she really did nothing to deserve you just walking out on her suddenly and awkwardly...you were way too much in your own head and even if you felt that much anxiety about it you should have stuck it through and just powered through it because after all you flew down there just to meet her...from her perspective you likely completely blindsided her with your actions and I don't blame her for having a bad taste in her mouth, she would be correct to walk away at this point...because that was really a reflection to me of where you are emotionally, it shows that to me this is will be a pattern in your behavior if you acted out so impulsively and dramatically.

 

I think you owe this woman an apology but one that she likely does not need nor care to really here, I think you just left her flabbergasted and disheartened by the whole experience...I don't think she really needs to hear the "it's not you it's me" conversation, she already knows what's coming and you're going to say. You might be better off contacting the friend and explain to them you were truly sorry and you had panicked, the friend might listen and rely that message back to her but it's a done deal.

 

The only way I could see you salvaging this situation is by making a sincere gesture and display of apology rather than just words. You really can't talk yourself out of this one, because there really is no reason good enough. So you either make a gesture of apology through some thoughtful avenue you can think of and hope she's able to forgive you, otherwise I honestly think it would be disrespectful and selfish to just expect her to just turn around and give you another chance.

 

In her mind she's going to see your argument as likely judgmental and not even given things a chance before you just jumped to your own conclusions...It is true that there may be some connection she has with her ex-husband but it may also not be romantic, the fact that she doesn't hate his guts and doesn't have a laundry list of negative things to say about him shows that she's already progressing or progressed past those emotional ties...it's the person that holds ill will, resentment and anger towards their ex bf/husband that you want to watch out for especially.

 

At any rate, give it some time and then you can try to initiate something, she may be forgiving or she may not want to here it or give you any attention still...it really depends on how much this woman likes you too, but you burned her still...I honestly think this shows you've got some self-work to do, you've got to work out the kinks of whatever is your dealing with or you're going to risk losing another potentially promising relationship.

 

I personally wouldn't recommend jumping into a relationship with someone 12 months out of a marriage, but it didn't mean you had to engage into something super serious either...maybe she was just looking for some companionship to start rebuilding that possibility in the future.

[Sampo]

Yeah, both good responses, thanks. I do agree with both for different reasons, but very good point about me not deserving another chance and her not deserving what I did. I just shake my head when I think about my actions. I think I have some major issues I need to get some advice on.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Yeah, both good responses, thanks. I do agree with both for different reasons, but very good point about me not deserving another chance and her not deserving what I did. I just shake my head when I think about my actions. I think I have some major issues I need to get some advice on.

 

When I read separated I thought divorced, that was something I overlooked until the next poster, he would be right with that as well...personally haven't been down the road of dating "separated" and really not so sure I ever would unless there were some really, really good reasons to even consider it. Likely just for something casual if anything.

 

My perspective is mainly based on mutual respect and the etiquette based on the situation you were involved in and how you handled it, with not so much emphasis on her "relationship status"....probably not the wisest decision in the world to progress with something romantic with that woman considering she's not divorced, otherwise It's still apparent you've got some work to do and she may be someone anyway to have pursued in the future...so kind of a coincidence there.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Hey, I just stumbled across this site, looks great, very useful and quite timely. Im not sure if my story is in the right section, sorry if its not.

 

I will try to keep it brief and change some details to protect the innocent.

 

A few months ago I met the most incredible girl through a friend. She is separated from her husband (over 12 months ago) but I wasn't sure of their situation. She lives a couple of hours drive away. We texted for a while, she drove to see me for a day a few times. We have never been intimate in any way. We got along very well. She is very intelligent, incredibly nice and so good looking. We decided to meet in a neutral city, which I took a flight to and she drove, as it was closer to her town. She picked me up from the airport, we went and had a good lunch (which she insisted on paying for), went to watch a sporting event and had coffee afterwards. Was a great night. We had separate hotel rooms, which she insisted on paying for both. I was scheduled to fly out the next afternoon and we discussed having breakfast the next morning and hanging out. At dinner that night we talked about our previous relationships. She said her husband and she still loved each other but weren't in love. I heard this the wrong way around, but it was still a good dinner and night.

 

Well, when we got back to our separate rooms I started to feel the green eyed monster rise up. I just focussed on negative things and convinced myself that she was still in love with her husband. I just wanted to get out and leave to go home. I couldn't sleep so I sent her text saying that I was going to book an earlier flight first thing in the morning and not to worry about dropping me off, that I would get a cab.

 

I didn't get a response until the next morning which was just brief and didn't say much, not understanding what I meant. I said I was going, that I was very grateful for everything but I had to go.

 

I flew back and texted her that night to explain further. No response (understandably). I didn't text her the next day. The following day after that I did asking if she was ok, apologised and that I would like to explain if I had the opportunity to. She responded saying that she was left speechless and it was a long text which was polite and saying some good things but basically shutting the whole thing down. I replied and said that I needed to explain myself further. She texted and said no need.

 

I texted later that night, a long one basically saying that I misunderstood what she said and meant and how much I liked her and didn't want her out of my life, etc. No response.

 

I am such an idiot. I do this every time I get strong feelings for someone. I guess Im just putting it out there to get peoples feelings on whether I have a chance to redeem myself and speak with her again. I really like this girl and would like to have a relationship with her, but I think I have ruined any chance of anything, ever with her.

Thanks.

 

This sounds like EXACTLY the same thing I would do in that situation. I would jump to same conclusions too.

 

Sorry, no advice, I need some myself.

[ExpatInItaly]

Oy. I think the most you can do is move on. You've already texted her and received no response, which you already knew to expect. I wouldn't want to continue the relationship, either.

 

The best you can do for yourself is figure out why you self-sabotage. Have you had bad experiences in relationships that would lead you to assume the worst? Do you have difficulty with anxiety? Do you feel insecure a lot and unable to accept that a good woman would love to date you? These are the questions I'd be asking myself if I had a pattern of shooting myself in the foot.

[Sampo]

I thought I would post an update.

 

Two days after I sent my reply text to her, she replied with a text saying she was fine with what happened and was glad I stood up for what I wanted to do. She said she doesn't have any bad feelings at all. She said she wasn't sure if she was prepared for rejection again so said she would turn down the invite to go away somewhere at the moment, but would love to catch up for a coffee when she is in my city.

 

I took this as quite positive, but I did also think it may have been her saying a pleasant way of semi-closing the door. So I sent a text back the following day saying that her message sounded quite final, but that was ok and fair and wasn't a problem. I said that it obviously wasn't meant to be and wished her all the best and to take care.

 

She sent a reply text saying we seem to be on different communication wavelengths because she wasn't being final at all about things.

 

So, who knows, there may be a second chance? Thoughts? I will just take it as it comes and not worry too much about it. If it happens it happens. She is a great girl either way and I do just want her to be happy. Ideally with me, but if its not with me then it truly isn't meant to be. I must say that I am impressed with how she got over what I did (I did apologise and explain in the earlier texts).

[Ninjainpajamas]

You seem very defensive and in a way passive aggressive for sure...I thought that was a very positive response to receive from her, and then for some weird reason you shot it down again by throwing things for a loop.

 

You clearly seem afraid of rejection and being hurt, and it's ruling the way you are perceiving everything to be...you really have to stop yourself from reacting in a way that is self-defeating, you're almost waiting for the other foot to drop.

 

If she was done with you she would have been done with you...meaning no reply, no response just lost to the void of nothingness and she basically moves on...instead she kind of just regrouped after a staggering and odd blow for her, and deciding to give you another chance and then you once again, do something odd and unpredictable.

 

If you're going to continue with this woman you have to dedicate yourself to stop being so elusive and defensive about every situation and just force yourself to man up and take whatever comes at you....stop being afraid, stop making excuses, stop talking yourself out of things, just go forward and face the wrath and try not to imagine the worse...try to see things more in a balanced light.

 

You're being your own worst enemy, in what is otherwise a pretty seamless and straight-forward interaction that you don't have much reason to be paranoid over, it's all in your own head, you have this fear that is dominating your mind.

 

Stop testing this woman and seeing what she's willing to go through first before you can trust her...you've got to just let go.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I thought I would post an update.

 

Two days after I sent my reply text to her, she replied with a text saying she was fine with what happened and was glad I stood up for what I wanted to do. She said she doesn't have any bad feelings at all. She said she wasn't sure if she was prepared for rejection again so said she would turn down the invite to go away somewhere at the moment, but would love to catch up for a coffee when she is in my city.

 

I took this as quite positive, but I did also think it may have been her saying a pleasant way of semi-closing the door. So I sent a text back the following day saying that her message sounded quite final, but that was ok and fair and wasn't a problem. I said that it obviously wasn't meant to be and wished her all the best and to take care.

 

She sent a reply text saying we seem to be on different communication wavelengths because she wasn't being final at all about things.

 

So, who knows, there may be a second chance? Thoughts? I will just take it as it comes and not worry too much about it. If it happens it happens. She is a great girl either way and I do just want her to be happy. Ideally with me, but if its not with me then it truly isn't meant to be. I must say that I am impressed with how she got over what I did (I did apologise and explain in the earlier texts).

 

 

Sounds like another thing I would do as well.

 

I think that you should listen to your instincts and let this go.

 

BTW every single time I went back to the situation like this, it only proved my original instincts right.

Edited June 22, 2013 by Eternal Sunshine

[Sampo]

Yeah, both good responses, thanks. I think great points made. I definitely agree with me just having to man up and take whatever comes and stop testing her (I don't think I'm doing it intentionally but seem to be) and don't fear possible rejection, etc.

 

I also agree with trusting my initial instincts. The more little time went by and I was less in the original situation, the more my initial instincts seemed right. I think I certainly could have gone about what I did and said differently and better. But at the end of the day, things didn't seem to add up or feel right. But, that isn't to say I might have been wrong.

[SJC2008]

Sounds like another thing I would do as well.

 

I think that you should listen to your instincts and let this go.

 

BTW every single time I went back to the situation like this, it only proved my original instincts right.

 

I literally lol'd! I'm the same way. If we dated we'd probably run from eachother lol

[SJC2008]

OP you cost yourself a woman who has a couple qualities that many people don't have. She's a very good communicator and she doesn't weird out at the simplest thing. UGH!

[Sampo]

Argh! Youre so right. Im so annoyed at myself. But nothing I can do about it now, except trying to salvage it of course, haha. Which clearly isn't working too well.

[CarrieT]

I

Two days after I sent my reply text to her, she replied with a text saying she was fine with what happened and was glad I stood up for what I wanted to do.

 

So I sent a text back the following day saying that her message sounded quite final, but that was ok and fair and wasn't a problem.

 

She sent a reply text saying we seem to be on different communication wavelengths because she wasn't being final at all about things.

 

So, who knows, there may be a second chance? Thoughts?

 

<rant>

 

STOP F*CKING TEXTING AND TALK TO HER!!!!!

 

Criminy - doesn't anyone actually communicate these days with their voices? Don't you understand how much mis-communication and inference is done via texting?

 

If you want a second change, call her. Skype with her. Let her here your voice and see your face.

 

</rant>

[Tinie]

You are self-sabotaging. You're just like me. Always quick to decide that the whole thing isn't going to work anyway, why would such an amazing person be interested in me blah blah.

 

The fact that she's saying it's not final suggests that she's not giving this up yet. Why can't you drive to her city? Why does she keep having to come to yours? This might look a bit one sided from her perspective.

[Sampo]

Fair call. You are definitely right. I do that.

 

She was quick to offer to drive here. I think its actually because she lives in a small town (and her husband still lives there too), so its much easier for her to come here, I think anyway.

 

But I do need to take the advice from here and just call her, enough with the texts. Maybe tomorrow, haha.