OW/OM and WS talking about your married sex life?

[dichotomy]

I am opening this up to either BS or OW/OM here. I asking for no judging/shaming on any OW/OM who responds.

 

What, if any, discussions took place about the sex life WS had within the marriage? That is did WS or OW/OM discuss or ask questions about the married sex or BS sexuality(performance, body, etc).

 

Quick recap - My wife's EA was with a former PA partner, she could not let go of him (emotionally) even once she fell in love with me. Of course she has not been fully open and honest about their EA including what was said, but she did "accidentally" reveal once that the OM wanted to know about our sex life and if I was "satisfying her". I suspect it was more detailed than a simple question (wife was minimizing again) and OM was fishing for details and comparisons to his skills and their former PA sex life. Obviously I was more than a bit upset over this kind of discussions, but I am asking here if this kind of discussion took place in other EA pr PA. Maybe wanting details would be more of an OM thing than OW.

Edited June 19, 2013 by dichotomy

[jnel921]

The OW rudely told me that I needed to step it up in the bedroom. She said my H was bored with me.... I can't say if that conversation took place because the OW was lying about so many other things and didn't have a clue.

 

However that doesn't change the fact that our spouses screwed other people. Was it torture for them? I am sure it wasn't. Did it torture my mind..of course it did. I remember wanting to know specific details and my H looking sickly as he was telling me certain things. He was like....listen I didn't do anything special...just know that f****ng her is as bad as it gets. At that point I didn't need to hear anymore about that.

 

I don't care what or even if my H said anything to the OW about what happened in our bedroom since apparently after all was said and done he want to stay in my bed. This should speak volumes to any OW whose AP decides they want to be with their spouse.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

As a FOW and a bs I can respond to both sides.

 

As far as my XMM, we did talk about our married sex lives - actually him much more than me. I have never been very verbal regarding any of that. He told me that they had sex about once a month if that and it was mostly because of him. He mentioned once that they were in a sort of small group bible study and the other guys were complaining about lack of sex and they couldn't believe he was okay with the little amount he had and of course at the time they were all joking about it. After the other couples left XMM's wife apparently said "you know I would have sex with you every night so why are you making jokes about this".

 

Also he would tell me how she couldn't have an orgasm during intercourse and she didn't really like that part, didn't like oral sex, etc. He actually told me one of his bucket list items was to make a woman orgasm while he was inside her. He never said he didn't like sex with his wife, but when I asked him why they only had sex once a month he said it was because of him and he said it took too long (he has some add issues) so he would stay downstairs until she fell asleep just to avoid it.

 

Granted this could be lies (just like everything else) but I tend to believe it was true . He had trouble keeping erections at times so its possible those were issues in the marriage itself anyway.

 

But there was never really any putting down of our spouses as far as sex was concerned - who was better, who wasn't. I didn't talk about it much actually in terms of what my husband liked or didn't - my XMM was very talkative - especially after sex.

 

As far as my husband and his xow? I really don't know what was said - didn't ask. I wonder at times, but I am certain because of where sex occurred much of the time (in the office) it more than likely included a lot of oral sex. One time when I did start asking questions he yelled at me asking me if I wanted to know every detail. I just sort of backed off because at the time I didn't.

 

His xow was probably far more "versed" than I am in bed, who knows? The fact she has been married three times and more than likely other partners than that - I don't know. I don't know what he told her about me but it probably had to do with a few of my hang ups in the bedroom and probably his desire for more sex. I know when xmom said what his wife didn't like, that was what I focused on in order to please him - I would say that is what my husband's xow did too.

 

There is a weird sort of freedom in those relationships where you feel like you can discuss just about anything for some reason. I opened up more during that time than I had ever done in my life - I keep trying to explore the reasons why and I think I am getting there and understanding it much better now.

 

It's sad.

Edited June 19, 2013 by lilmisscantbewrong

[ComingInHot]

It was a topic my H was not willing to discuss w/his exOW as we are like crazed bunnies in the bedroom, so he just told her we didn't have sex because I let myself go... It was the "I let myself to" part that really pi**ed me off.

You're kidding me right?!!?!

Other than that, and per exOW, that was all that was said.

I kind of got the impression she didn't totally by it as she hounded Me about it wanting to Know and always brought up how ugly she thought I was. I kind of feel bad for her obsessing over Me & our sex life instead of just my H and what He said or didn't say and did, didn't do.

 

I'm REALLY thankful we haven't heard Anything from her lately, it's definetly time for her to move on and be happy*

[lilmisscantbewrong]

It was a topic my H was not willing to discuss w/his exOW as we are like crazed bunnies in the bedroom, so he just told her we didn't have sex because I let myself go... It was the "I let myself to" part that really pi**ed me off.

You're kidding me right?!!?!

Other than that, and per exOW, that was all that was said.

I kind of got the impression she didn't totally by it as she hounded Me about it wanting to Know and always brought up how ugly she thought I was. I kind of feel bad for her obsessing over Me & our sex life instead of just my H and what He said or didn't say and did, didn't do.

 

I'm REALLY thankful we haven't heard Anything from her lately, it's definetly time for her to move on and be happy*

 

She told you she thought you were ugly? What the heck?

[ComingInHot]

Lilmiss, My thoughts Exactly!

 

She was not very nice throughout the whole A thing but I didn't know why until she told me After my H ended it.

 

Maybe it had something to do with them only have ten second sex themselves only once then the second time H could not go "through with It". I think she took it personally and didn't consider it had more to do w/My H's guilt and remorse over what he was doing to me and our family than how good/not good or hot not hot that she was.

 

I've been insecure and questioned how "good" I was in other peoples eyes. It's a horrible feeling.

[oldshirt]

Back in my young,single days I had several ongoing married FWBs and a few flings and ONSs with married women. They all said suprisingly little about their husbands or home sexlives.

 

In the cases of the flings/ONSs it was as if they werent married or had husbands at all. The husbands were basically a nonissue to the trysts. They were basically doing some other dude for their reasons and were keeping their motivations and rationales to themselves and I certainly did not ask.

 

In the cases of the ongoing FWBs, there was mention of general boredom and the lack of initiative and passion on the part of the husbands. Only one with whom I had contact with for several years stated her husband had terrible PE and was very poorly skilled in other activities in the bedroom and just simple lack of satisfaction and lack of orgasms lead her to seeking satisfaction elsewhere.

 

Now keep in these were FWB/FB situations and were not actual love affairs. There was no pretense that it would ever be anything more than just banging one out in the afternoon. Had any of these been more than just sex there may have been more discussion and explanation of issues in the homelife.

[dichotomy]

 

In the cases of the ongoing FWBs, there was mention of general boredom and the lack of initiative and passion on the part of the husbands. Only one with whom I had contact with for several years stated her husband had terrible PE and was very poorly skilled in other activities in the bedroom and just simple lack of satisfaction and lack of orgasms lead her to seeking satisfaction elsewhere.

 

 

It is interesting youi report they blame their husbands -as having no interest, or passion in sex with them. In other words, if their husbands were active and interested in sex - they would not have strayed with you. I wonder if thats really true, or they (the wives you were with) were the ones bored and not interested in their husbands? Not that you would know if what they told you was the truth as I know men will often tell their OW - oh my wife is not interested or does not have sex with me.

[dichotomy]

It was a topic my H was not willing to discuss w/his exOW as we are like crazed bunnies in the bedroom, so he just told her we didn't have sex because I let myself go... It was the "I let myself to" part that really pi**ed me off.

You're kidding me right?!!?!

 

So he hid the fact that you were very active and passionate, then blamed you - because it made it easier to get his OW in the sack? Sounds common for WS.

[dichotomy]

 

There is a weird sort of freedom in those relationships where you feel like you can discuss just about anything for some reason. I opened up more during that time than I had ever done in my life - I keep trying to explore the reasons why and I think I am getting there and understanding it much better now.

 

It's sad.

 

 

Yes - beyond the fact that she was even willing to let OM ask about how well I satisifed her - or let him talk about how great they used to be in bed - what is remaining troubling to me in our marriage now is that in general my wife was more open with him and other past partners. Open verbally and physically than she has ever been before or after.

 

Like you I hope she can work to understand why she was more open in those kinds of situations - than with me. I only get that from her that i was too "important and special" to risk being that open in our relationship. So what ? then its easier to be more open in lesser realtionships - maybe cause you don't care how it affects the other person? Maybe we hide more from those that we love more, or value more, or want to create a better impression for?

 

It is sad, but it is also good that your working on it.

Edited June 19, 2013 by dichotomy

[2.50 a gallon]

Prior to my marriage, I met and bedded several newly divorced women, who quite openly talked about the failures of their married sex life. Mostly it was about how quickly the passion had faded. And surprising enough, they did not always blame their husband. They had had what would be termed as vanilla sex in their marriage, their husbands had wanted to experiment and try some slut sex, and it was the wife who couldn't take that extra step.

 

They had wanted to maintain the image of the virginal, good mother, bride. But once divorced were now trying any and everything new

[carhill]

My most interesting anecdote comes from a MW who complained about her H's 'whiskey dick' along with various assorted and sundry other marital issues as part of 'connecting' with myself and then, many years later, admits she was having sex with her boss during the whole period. TBH, and I've heard the gamut from MW's, and confirmed with a few H's along the way, nothing surprises me anymore.

 

During my EA, coincidently those many years later with that same fMW, I shared only how I felt abandoned in my M, without any details, and certainly nothing about our love life. Later, MC would reinforce the inappropriateness of sharing marital intimacies with third parties, whether affair partners or not (my exW talked about our marital business to others, inappropriately). So, while the EA was certainly inappropriate, sharing marital business with third parties in general is, in my opinion, and the opinion of our psychologist, also inappropriate. I saw this in action when feeling uncomfortable with male friends whose wives had 'spilled the beans' on them. Meh.... Now I tell them to call a MC or talk to their husbands.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Yes - beyond the fact that she was even willing to let OM ask about how well I satisifed her - or let him talk about how great they used to be in bed - what is remaining troubling to me in our marriage now is that in general my wife was more open with him and other past partners. Open verbally and physically than she has ever been before or after.

 

Like you I hope she can work to understand why she was more open in those kinds of situations - than with me. I only get that from her that i was too "important and special" to risk being that open in our relationship. So what ? then its easier to be more open in lesser realtionships - maybe cause you don't care how it affects the other person? Maybe we hide more from those that we love more, or value more, or want to create a better impression for?

 

It is sad, but it is also good that your working on it.

 

Well i don't know about your wife but I can tell you that when I was in IC and MC one of the things my husband brought up was why it was so difficult for me to be affectionate with my family (my husband and sometimes even my kids) than with others outside the family. I didn't realize how I was acting, but it was somehow easier for me to walk up to someone outside my family and hug on them but not for my husband I guess. He couldn't understand it and our counselor said that in situations of abandonment (which I had experienced as a child) that is very common - much easier to be open and affectionate with someone that wasn't close to you because if they rejected you it was easier to move to the next one. If family rejects you, you have major problems. So it's better not to get close. I know it's weird, but it started making sense to me and even my husband. I was always afraid of abandonment so I kept even my family arm's length - so sad. Anyway, then the one person I really let go with (my xom) and trusted was the one that DID abandon me - so I was right back to square one. And then when my husband said "you are going to see that I am going to be the one that will not abandon you" and then he turns around and has an affair not even a year later - yeah abandonment is a major issue in my life - I was abandoned by the two men I loved the most - my xom and my husband. Don't get me wrong - I am not defending my actions - it's just ironic how it all played out.

 

I can't answer for your wife - but I can tell you that from a psychology standpoint it is a real issue...

[BrokenPrincess]

I didn't realize how I was acting, but it was somehow easier for me to walk up to someone outside my family and hug on them but not for my husband I guess. He couldn't understand it and our counselor said that in situations of abandonment (which I had experienced as a child) that is very common - much easier to be open and affectionate with someone that wasn't close to you because if they rejected you it was easier to move to the next one. If family rejects you, you have major problems. So it's better not to get close. I know it's weird, but it started making sense to me and even my husband. I was always afraid of abandonment so I kept even my family arm's length - so sad. Anyway, then the one person I really let go with (my xom) and trusted was the one that DID abandon me - so I was right back to square one.

 

This doesn't sound weird to me at all. If you don't let the people you care about most too close, then then won't have the chance to reject you. The REAL you. And you care about their opinion most so the defense mechanism is to not give them the opportunity to potentially hurt you the most.

^^Sorry slight T/J

 

OP, my xMM and I did not routinely discuss our married sex lives. He made a few comments here & there that alluded to their sex life being infrequent or cold. He also suggested that we both abstain in the week or so before we'd see each other (so it would be that much more special ) and I told him point-blank that would arouse suspicion in my houshold. I'm not sure why, but talking about this right now is giving me a strange mix of both disgust and longing for him.

[bellasue]

xMM and I spoke of this infrequently, but he said sex at home was a once every 6-8 week event. And during, she often told him to hurry up. He did feel like sex with his spouse was a requirement, however, so when she asked or hinted she wanted, he would respond.

 

The one time he got the message from her that they were to be intimate when we were together, he canceled all *activity* with me a few days prior so that he would have a "decent" chance of getting it up with her. He said later it was a failure. Of course, who knows if that is in any way true. Doesn't matter.....I was crushed that he would even tell me these things. Crumbs indeed.

[Spark1111]

Well i don't know about your wife but I can tell you that when I was in IC and MC one of the things my husband brought up was why it was so difficult for me to be affectionate with my family (my husband and sometimes even my kids) than with others outside the family. I didn't realize how I was acting, but it was somehow easier for me to walk up to someone outside my family and hug on them but not for my husband I guess. He couldn't understand it and our counselor said that in situations of abandonment (which I had experienced as a child) that is very common - much easier to be open and affectionate with someone that wasn't close to you because if they rejected you it was easier to move to the next one. If family rejects you, you have major problems. So it's better not to get close. I know it's weird, but it started making sense to me and even my husband. I was always afraid of abandonment so I kept even my family arm's length - so sad. Anyway, then the one person I really let go with (my xom) and trusted was the one that DID abandon me - so I was right back to square one. And then when my husband said "you are going to see that I am going to be the one that will not abandon you" and then he turns around and has an affair not even a year later - yeah abandonment is a major issue in my life - I was abandoned by the two men I loved the most - my xom and my husband. Don't get me wrong - I am not defending my actions - it's just ironic how it all played out.

 

I can't answer for your wife - but I can tell you that from a psychology standpoint it is a real issue...

 

it's called fear of intimacy and it does stem from abandonment or rejection issues....

 

 

t is also very common amongst those who cheat because an affair is risk-free in that nothing truly of importance is on the line. You can be whomever you want to be or whomever your AP wants you to be. Risk-free role playing.

 

I know my H alluded to what most WS's allude to and she took it from there in an over-the top competition.

 

In hindsight he has acknowledged that the sex was...meh, but her desire to meet his every whim at the drop of the dime was the aphrodisiac for him and her constant praise, agreeing how right or wronged he was....kept him coming back for more.

[janedoe67]

I never said anything about mine and my husband's sex life except that, well, since he had no need or interest really in sex, there wasn't one. I think all I really said about that was that I didn't understand it or I occasionally wondered if he was straight. Honestly, I didn't want to think about my husband then because if I thought about him then I would think about what I was doing.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

it's called fear of intimacy and it does stem from abandonment or rejection issues....

 

 

t is also very common amongst those who cheat because an affair is risk-free in that nothing truly of importance is on the line. You can be whomever you want to be or whomever your AP wants you to be. Risk-free role playing.

 

I know my H alluded to what most WS's allude to and she took it from there in an over-the top competition.

 

In hindsight he has acknowledged that the sex was...meh, but her desire to meet his every whim at the drop of the dime was the aphrodisiac for him and her constant praise, agreeing how right or wronged he was....kept him coming back for more.

 

I agree with you - but it's only risk free if you don't fall in love (or maybe not). At any rate, nothing was risk free in my case. I gave it all and I lost it all (or almost lost it all). I suppose it's role playing in a way.

 

I have watched so many people that I know pretend to be something that they are not in life. So many people are not authentic because they try to fit themselves into some idea of what society, the church, parents, etc. think that they should be and when they get to the point that they can't take it anymore, they explode. I think this is in essense what happened to me. I would have to give a huge back story on my upbringing, cult involvement, etc. for there to be complete understanding, but I tried to fit into everyone else's mold for such a long period of time. I could talk the christian ease with the best of them - I'm smart, I know the bible, philosophy, etc. - but I really didn't buy into it - I just pretended to. And finally it all came tumbling out - the affair was really a result of all of that.

 

So - now I just try to be myself, try to be kind and loving, but truthful.

 

Sorry for the tj - anyway, I never saw myself as competing with his wife, although maybe in a subconscious way? It was really weird in a way. I know she cared about me a great deal and I do believe he loved us both. In fact in between ddays he was so emotional about the fact that the two women most important to him in his life could possibly at some point NOT be in his life. I think he could have easily been a Mormon - he even joked about it at times and made reference to Old Testament characters with multiple wives.

 

Anyway - it's such a messed up situation. I really don't ever want to find myself in that situation ever again.

[2sure]

When I was OW, only one MM discussed his wife as far as sex. They had very good regular sex.

 

My xH on the other hand, told one woman I was in a wheel chair and unable to have sex. Whatever it takes, you know.

[anne1707]

The exOM would fish for details but I did not take the bait. I know it sounds twisted after a 3 year affair but I refused to cross that line of discussing such personal details.

[wanting more]

xMM and I never discussed out sex lives. I assumed he was still having sex with her. He'd pass comments every now and then, I guess fishing around on if I was still having sex at home. Actually bought be a flannel long sleeve, long pants panama set once and if we were texting at night and I'd say goodnight, he'd respond "sleep well, dont forget to wear the pajamas I bought you. We texted a lot (so stupid) of things we'd done or planned to do with each other sexually. After d-day and his BW found old text and emails, he managed to turn our sex life on me, it was ALL me, seducing him. Tying him up and forcing him to have sex. She (BW) told my BSO things she'd read, still blaming me and commenting how she would "never" let him do those things to her. (which is funny cause it wasn't like we had farm animals in bed with us or really weird stuff)

 

When I was the OW I did not want to know about his sex life with his wife.

[MissBee]

I am opening this up to either BS or OW/OM here. I asking for no judging/shaming on any OW/OM who responds.

 

What, if any, discussions took place about the sex life WS had within the marriage? That is did WS or OW/OM discuss or ask questions about the married sex or BS sexuality(performance, body, etc).

 

Quick recap - My wife's EA was with a former PA partner, she could not let go of him (emotionally) even once she fell in love with me. Of course she has not been fully open and honest about their EA including what was said, but she did "accidentally" reveal once that the OM wanted to know about our sex life and if I was "satisfying her". I suspect it was more detailed than a simple question (wife was minimizing again) and OM was fishing for details and comparisons to his skills and their former PA sex life. Obviously I was more than a bit upset over this kind of discussions, but I am asking here if this kind of discussion took place in other EA pr PA. Maybe wanting details would be more of an OM thing than OW.

 

 

In my former A there was no such discussion.

 

I didn't care about that and if he voluntarily brought it up, I'd have been turned off.

 

Yes an A was bad, but there was still a level or decorum I needed, and my exAP was the kind of man who was discreet and didn't believe in sharing private details about their relationship with me just as he said he wouldn't share details of our relationship with someone else. Having an A is hardly honorable, but I do think he at least tried to be a gentleman about some things.

[ComingInHot]

dichotomy wrote, " So he hid the fact that you were very active and passionate, then blamed you - because it made it easier to get his OW in the sack? Sounds common for WS."

 

Man he was such a Jerk!!! ...

[dichotomy]

The exOM would fish for details but I did not take the bait. I know it sounds twisted after a 3 year affair but I refused to cross that line of discussing such personal details.

 

 

That's interesting. Thank you for sharing.

[Spark1111]

Six months into the affair, she asked him if he and I were still having sex and he told her rarely to never. ( we had sex at LEAST TWICE a week, a low for us).

 

She told him she was SOOO disappointed. So, to keep the feel good vibes a'coming, he told her we rarely to NEVER had sex.

 

She then told him I MUST have a BF. He started to believe her! And grew angrier and more distant at home.

 

GOD, I love this story!

 

If that isn't the height of delusional thinking, I do not know what is!

 

She also went out of her way to accidentally bump into us when we were out with mutual friends...( He must have mentioned it to her:confused:) so I, being kind and respectful bought her a drink and learned of her EVIL xH who refused to allow their child to join her on this fun weekend....of meeting her lover, his unsuspecting spouse and co-workers who suspected and would never say anything.

 

Over time, she joined a gym, lost 50 lbs., and then spoke disparagingly about how I had let myself go, ( CIH, you hearing this?!) Bahahahahahaha!

 

You cannot MAKE THIS STUFF UP!