Indian boy's story

[swazzzz]

So here I am, writing out my feelings and thoughts on this small little device called a Blackberry. Really, my life has become very depressing since last Monday, June 3rd. Maybe this is natural. You tend to cling on to things that make you wallow in self-pity and though it is not quite therapeutic, it is a way one can somehow feel and breathe the semblance of good times that he or she had with their significant other.

 

Ahh, the term significant other. I wonder why that is the moniker here. Or maybe even 'better half'. Well in my case, I certainly treated her to the full respect of that moniker. Then what really went wrong with the relationship? This is my attempt at somehow rationalizing the whole scenario, though I don't think I can do it justice as feelings and emotions can seldom be rationalized.

 

My relationship lasted only 5 months. Now, don't judge me here. All of you will tell me that it is not even close to being a serious relationship and that I should just snap out of it. But I beg to disagree. I will not agree that the duration is the only yardstick to judge a relationship. The feelings and the strength of emotions are the most key aspects here. Now, I'm a guy, when I fall in love or am in love with someone, I never ever hold back my emotions. I love with all my heart because frankly, that is what the other person deserves. Otherwise why would I be in a relationship?

 

I met her in November and I didn't really take a liking for her then and there. A mutual friend introduced us so it was just the casual 'hi-hello' and some random small talk. But at the end of the evening, when she had to leave, I walked her back to her car even though I had just met her. I'll be dead honest; there were no ulterior motives involved. The 5 min walk to her car was when we spoke a bit more. It was nothing but I think we struck a chord. Nothing happened that seemed significant at that time.

 

But then all of us met again next week and this time it was good talking to each other. We warmed up to one another and realized that we both liked to have meaningful and realistic conversations. The next day we exchanged emails and she messaged me on Whatsapp sometime after that. That is when the whole thing started. Whatsapp messaging led to me making the first phone call and that first phone call went on for more than 40 minutes. And then she called again and we spoke for another half hour. It was evident that we were very comfortable talking to each other. There was no semblance of hesitation and the conversation was extremely free-flowing. I was warming up to this girl to be honest. We eventually became Facebook friends and exchanged BBM pins. This continued for days until we were talking late in to the nights and somewhere during those conversations, we both realized that this could mean something more meaningful. We didn't talk about it but it was quite obvious to both of us. I eventually asked her out in January and we started seeing each other exclusively since then.

 

Now, as is the case with every relationship, the way it started out was like fire. The chemistry that we shared was incredible and the comfort factor was tremendous. We lived an hour’s drive apart but I would still drive down almost every evening to spend 2 hours with her for dinner and then drive back home that same evening. Ahh, the things you do when you are in a relationship.

 

Am not going to go out on a limb here and proclaim my relationship to be more special than anybody else's. Everyone's relationship is significant and it is not my time or space to belittle anyone here. All I'm going to say is how I felt about this relationship. To be honest, she made me feel like a million bucks. Sounds crass, but that is how it was. Ever have that feeling where the girl loves you for everything that you are and does not find faults? Well, that was the wave of euphoria that I was riding on. Life was amazing. It got so amazing that in February we proposed marriage to one another. Too soon? Well, for us, it was like we were made for each other. Soul mates, to be more concise.

 

We promised each other that we would speak to our parents and tell them about each other. Absolutely wonderful right? I was so high on this, you have no idea. I mean, marriage!!!! I never thought I'd even contemplate marriage at the age of 25. This is me, having traveled the world, experienced things that few people have, loved living life....and now wanting to settle down. You see how much deeply in love I was with her? She made me get wings I tell you that!!!! And I didn't need no Red Bull for that feeling.

 

Now, I'm a kind of guy, who when loves, forgets everything around. Love is the one feeling that I've always wanted, but never found the right girl to share it with. And here it is, blossoming away and could lead to marriage!!! That is just wow! So of course, I was blinded and when I told my parents about her, they were hesitant. The usual qualm that a parent would have. The girl belongs to a different community; would she be able to settle down? But I spoke to them very honestly and told them of her numerous qualities and how she would be a perfect fit for me as well as my family. My parents said yes in 3 days! They loved my confidence and the way I was coherent with them. I promise you this, if you feel strongly about something and can make a good case for it; you will win the battle as well as the war. It is like being a kick-ass lawyer in a courtroom. You have to back up your statements with hard proofs and facts! I did that and my parents said yes, without even meeting the girl. How much better could it get?

 

I loved this girl. I truly did. I didn't need to convince her of my love, it was in my eyes, and she could see it so well. Is this what brought about the first spec of doubt in her? I hope not.

 

Come April, things started going south. Well, from what I've been told by her, she approached her parents about me and she faced strong rejection. Her parents wanted her to get married to someone within their community and they would not entertain ideas about any other boy that their daughter has found for herself. And so it came: the first real hurdle. The first real doubt.

 

Now, she is a person who is very much dependent on her parents. She is a working girl and contributes financially to the family income but she still is extremely loyal to them. Despite the hardships that she has faced with them, she adores them and treats them like God. Absolutely nothing wrong with that. In fact, that is a very commendable quality to have in a girl of the 21st century. But her loyalty knew no bounds. Which eventually hurt me. And boy, did it really bite me!

 

Due to the strong rejection, she started feeling the heat at home. She would try to make my case to her father but the father would not even budge or listen. This went on for 2 months. From what she has told me, she faced ridicule and came close to being ostracized from her family. She even got hit once. Her tenacity was wavering. And due to the situation at home, her feelings for me took a backseat. Gone were the days of cute conversations and open declaration of love. Now to hear an I Love You from her would be a fortnightly affair, if I was lucky. There would be no reciprocation of affections and I was eventually talking to a blank wall. She was clearly distancing herself emotionally from the relationship in order to avoid further hurt, in case, it doesn't work out.

 

Now, I've been made aware of the domestic issues and I realized that I need to be supportive and be by her side as much as I can. I should swallow all my insecurities and pride and just be there for her and hear her out, be the support structure that she needed at this critical juncture. Honestly speaking, I'm not a person who simply could just do that. I am not as great as I would like to think I am but becoming completely selfless is not part of my character unfortunately. So in my attempts at just making sure that she remains alright, my confidence in the relationship started to take a beating. I would be grasping at straws to just hear one word of affection from her. And after a few days, I would turn around and ask her why she wouldn't reply to my I Love You's. She would then retort back by saying that 'why am I constantly looking for reassurances?' Can someone please tell me if I am really looking for a reassurance or am I just responding to a starvation of affection from her end? In the first few months of the relationship, am I supposed to just understand that she loves me and not expect to hear her say it even once in 2 weeks? I mean, that is a bit premature isn't it?

 

It was eating me up completely and I tried various ways to get the spark back in to the relationship. Tried to become more normal and stoic and less expressive, just so that she doesn't feel pressured to express back. I did this because she had told me that she has a hard time matching up to my emotion and expressive levels. This is true, I am an emotional guy and usually can express my feelings well, be it through words or though actions. She tried to keep up but eventually couldn’t express as much. I don’t know why this was the case but I knew that she loved me.

 

But I couldn't do this less emotional thing for more than 3 days and on the 4th day, I gave up and told her that I can't pretend to be someone I'm not. We talked things out and that's when she told me that she is purposely distancing herself from the relationship. Shattered my world. What she basically told me was that she didn't love me as much as she loved her parents. This could only end one way is what I told myself. Maybe that was the sign that this relationship was finishing, was about to run its course. But I told myself to keep faith and believe in her and hope that eventually things will sort themselves out. You know, you read these lines: “as long as we are together, things will fall in place”. Hopeless romantic I had become. Was I being too naïve? I don’t know.

 

Now, a bit of background here before I carry on. We both are Indians living abroad for the majority of our lives. The reason why this is slightly different from a regular thread that is posted here is that the eventual reason for our breakup was that there was too much pressure on the girl from her family to break up because they wanted her to marry a guy of their choice. The conventional ‘arranged marriage’ that Indians are famous for. The trend is declining these days but her parents belong to another generation altogether where they still stick to the thought process of “we are the parents, we know what is best for our kids”. The ‘kid’s’ opinion does not even count. It is pathetic but true.

 

I mentioned me belonging to a different community being the main hurdle. Let me try to explain this. In India, we are extremely segregated by physical boundaries. For example, a person belonging to the North of India would seldom marry a person belonging to the South of India. It sounds ****ty, but is very true and has been prevalent for generations now. So this syndrome happened to me as well. For my parents, this was a bit of an issue but I made them understand that the girl is absolutely worth it so such stupid mindsets are not required over here at all. My parents turned out to be more progressive than the girl’s family unfortunately. In fact, they were so adamant that she broke up with me that they wanted to take her away from her home and take her back to her native town in India and keep her there, just so that she would be separated from me. Incredible but true. Disappointing but true.

 

The entire month of May was an absolute struggle for both of us. She getting pressured at home and me trying to keep the relationship intact. I had given up on affection from her end because I was hoping that once this stage is crossed, we have the rest of our lives to love each other to the core. So a bit of sacrifice now would lead to happiness later on in life. I kept telling myself this and kept going on. But I could see the end coming. I knew her as a person and knew that she would keep her parents above her happiness. It was baffling for me but it was her choice and I couldn’t change it. She eventually broke up with my on June 3rd, three days before her birthday which we had been planning together for almost 2 weeks. She looked distraught, almost delirious when she was speaking to me and it pained my heart to see her like this. I was more worried about her than about us breaking up. But yes, we broke up that day.

 

Now this is where I started taking refuge on this forum. 2 days after we broke up, I called her and told her that I respect her decision to break up and I will somehow make my peace with it. Since we broke up due to external factors, we couldn’t control it. A few days after that, she messages me and we have a general conversation through messages. Later, she calls me and we have a lengthy conversation about how our weekend went and other stuff. Towards the fag end of the chat, she tells me that ‘she doesn’t want to lose me as a friend and person’. I agree with her and then hang up. The next morning I texted her a good morning to which she replied the same. Then there was no contact at all for the next 4 days. She didn’t message or call me, neither did I message or call her. It was weird because we had agreed to be friends but this was not going that way. On the 5th day, she messages me “some people are just too busy”. I reply back and then she calls me up. We speak for half an hour and we agree to meet up for coffee. I met her and saw that she was taking the break up worse than me. I tried to make the case of us getting back together since that is what we both wanted. But she stuck to her decision and did not change her mind. I then told her, that we should be there for one another and help each other through this phase. She remained quiet but she looked like she agreed. In fact, that evening I did most of the talking and she was just quiet. I honestly don’t know why she wanted to meet me. I was just happy to see her that is all. It is because I want us to get back together. More than anything I could want right now.

 

After we met, it went back to routine. A couple of messages throughout the day, a solitary phone call on the way to work and that is it. Yesterday, she messaged me asking for restaurant suggestion for a company dinner. That was it. No other mention of anything else, no other conversation topics raised. And I didn’t do anything either. I decided then that I have to initiate NO CONTACT with her. I tried being friends but I am obviously looking for us to get back together. I thought being in touch, I could work on emotionally detaching myself but that also is not working out. I am not getting any warmth from her end, it has become very cold and detached. So as I am writing this, I have not contacted her at all for the past 24 hours. I have deleted my own access from Twitter, Foursquare, Instagram and Facebook, just to avoid seeing her social life on the Internet. The next step is to delete her BBM Pin and Phone number. I am mentally not yet ready to do that because somewhere down the line, I am trying to justify why she should want to be friends. Maybe she wants things to work out positively for us? Knowing myself, I will be stuck in this post-break up zone a lot longer than her and she will get over it quicker.

 

I want her to fight for me, stand up for me against her parents. Parents, at the end of the day, regardless how strict they are, would want the best for their kids right? So if she stays strong for me, things will eventually fall in to place. The journey will be full of holes but the end goal will be beautiful. Why is she not seeing this and only wanting to make her parents happy?

 

This has been very long. I was writing this as a journal but I thought it would be alright to post it on LS. Hope they people here are patient enough to read this and give me their thoughts on this. This is my first breakup, that too because of external factors, not because of issues between the couple. I know for a fact that what we had was extremely special and would have gone a long long way. The love never went, practicality just took precedence over human emotion for her. Sad but true.

[bluegreen]

Am sorry you had to go trough that but some people are just not strong enough to survive being cut of from family's apron strings.

Indian culture is beautiful but harsh and being abused by words or actions hurt deep more so when you have no help to back you up its how the things are done right?

 

The one thing she could have done was to grit her teeth and take it but how far would they go because people like that speaking from my own experience even if am not Indian are like rabid dogs.

 

They sense weakness and keep attacking and biting until victim falls down and they tear it apart or until it can't fight no more I know its easy to say she could have packed her bags and gone to you but its not did you offer her that option at all ?

 

So she has a choice to make stick to her decision and take all abuse and believe me once controllers loose power over someone they go ape s.... on them punish ground take away options its hardest thing to go trough trust me been there done that still paying the price.

 

 

Or let them win and bow to their wishes life is not all romance and roses if she can't take hard with good what will you do with someone like that?

You have a right to expect better from her she has a right not to turn her back on her family BUT if she really was strong enough she could have persisted and come to middle ground.

 

 

I feel bad for both of you as I said I been there done that for two years almost three it was nightmare and am still suffering consequences but at least they know I MEAN BUSINESS and am willing to fight and loose all to gain what I wish and whom I love.

 

 

No one deserves anything less but partner willing to do that

[Hopeinme]

Urgh I can totally relate to this arranged marriage thing. It is very nice that your parents were supportive of you. That's the best you can ask for. It seems like the girl's family is extremely traditional, and I am sure you know that it is not easyeasy for the girl. I am sure she wants you as badly as she wants to obey her parents but I think you have to agree that we all know how traditional some indian parents can get. She already tried her best and it seems like she is probably going to be kicked out of the house if she continues with this relationship. I know its really hard, but would you want to be with her knowing that she is on bad terms with her family? If that happens, i think there will be lota of problems in your relationship. She obviously loves her parents and she is really in a helpless state. Personally, I think what you could do is to go and talk to her parents ; it is worth a shot? I know this idea ia probably stupid xonsidering how they are but this is the last thing you can do. The other thing is, she remains firm with the idea on being friends. I think this is not a very good thing, it is going to make things for you guys worse and you have to get out of this relationship if you know for sure, things are not going to work out. Its going to w really hard, but i think in indian marriages like this, you have to be rational and think what's best for each other. I hope it works out well dor you x

[swazzzz]

Had done 52 hours without any contact. However she just messaged me asking how I am doing. I replied and then it became a small conversation which ended with me asking if she would like to meet up over the weekend. She hasn't replied to it yet. I feel degraded and have no respect for myself. I still haven't got the courage to ignore her messages or calls and when she does contact me, I let go of my guard and eventually do or say something that makes me regret it afterwards. Is there a fix to this?

[Hopeinme]

There is a fix. Muster up thr courage and go NC.

[bluegreen]

U either marry her right away in civil ceremony or you break it off for good.

Which one seems more like happening ?

[swazzzz]

Well, marriage is out of the question right now. She doesn't want to get married without her parent's consent and I also have plans for getting an MBA and a better paying job. Our plan was to get engaged later this year and then get married by 2015. Since that is not happening anymore, I have to radically re-think my future plans.

I am trying to break it off for good, but she continues to message me. Yesterday evening she was like "what's your plan?" I replied "nothing much, probably chill at home". No reply to that. Later around 11 pm, she messages and asks what am up to. I told her am out for a drive.....short story, it was a general chat through text messages. I am yet to fathom why she is keeping the contact with me?

This morning while going to the store, I saw her car on the road. I messaged her some time after that saying that I had seen the car. She replied saying that her brother was driving it. Again, just a few lines of chat and then I stopped replying.

Are these just breadcrumbs or are these her attempts at wanting to be friends?

I am somewhat in the zone where I want to be 'friends with benefits'. Is this something I should ask her about? Or would she be more prone to asking?

Also, since NC is the only viable option right now, should I email her or call her or meet her face to face and then tell her that I want to break off all contact? Please let me know.

[jukeboxromeo]

Are these just breadcrumbs or are these her attempts at wanting to be friends?

I am somewhat in the zone where I want to be 'friends with benefits'. Is this something I should ask her about? Or would she be more prone to asking?

Also, since NC is the only viable option right now, should I email her or call her or meet her face to face and then tell her that I want to break off all contact? Please let me know.

 

I've read the entire thread, and I've got to say that your story is a touching one. Truly. Almost like a "Love at second sight" if you will. Which makes what I'm going to say probably hard to hear.

 

I don't think her intention is to be friends. She's hurting from this break-up, and wants to know if you are equally hurting too. If, in fact, her parents truly are the reason for the break-up, I would say (although I hate these..) give her a choice - You or her parents.

 

**Spoiler Alert**

 

She is going to choose her family. They were there before you, and they'll be there after you. Bottom line.

 

**End Spoiler**

 

On another note, friends with benefits isn't really an option here - you have an emotional attachment to this girl, and FWB isn't going to satisfy what you need from this connection. NC is the way to go, if things aren't going to work out. I would meet with her, to either get back together or say your goodbyes face-to-face (As any decent relationship deserves) and move on accordingly.

[swazzzz]

Am in the hospital right now, just underwent a a scheduled surgery. She knew about me having surgery today. The funny thing is that in spite of her knowing, she has not yet contacted me. I mean, yes we have broken up but does that mean you ignore basic courtesies? That too in the situation where she wants to be friends. This is obviously not friendly behaviour. I am in a lot of pain physically right now after the surgery but emotionally am worse because I expected her to at least call and enquire how I am doing. I probably don't need another example to convince me of the end of this relationship. It's funny, when I was drugged up and getting prepped for surgery, I was feeling hopeful of being able to talk to her parents and convincing them. But that was probably the drugs talking. I switched on my phone immediately after the procedure and there was nothing at all. No calls or texts from anybody. My parents were the only ones that were with me in the hospital and am grateful to have them. No friends or ex girlfriend has contacted me. Am feeling ambivalent right now. This definitely means proper NC mode now right?

[jukeboxromeo]

I would say so, yeah. She is done with the relationship. Time to soldier up and move on.

 

All the best wishes for a speedy recovery, physically and emotionally.

[swazzzz]

Thanks a lot for the wishes. She eventually texted me and I told her I was fine. She then called me and spoke to me for some time. I gave her some attitude about not calling me or texting me earlier. But then she went on a rant about how I am putting words in her mouth and trying to prove that she is insensitive. She then brought up instances after the breakup where the few times we have spoken, the conversation has not really been pleasant. I tried to explain to her that we have just been through a breakup and it is obviously hard for me to get back to being friends. It was a very jumbled up conversation and I ended up apologizing for being an ass to her. The conversation ended abruptly by her going in to the elevator. It was very confusing and I can't really summarize any further. That was it. I haven't contacted her since then. Been 37 hours so far. It seems that no matter what I say to her now, she is only going to get irritated and annoyed. Now, I am not sure if she is doing this on purpose or is she genuinely upset because she had to break up with me because of parental pressure? Is she trying to emotionally detach herself from me by being rude while at the same time, wants to be friends with me because it gives her a good feeling and a feeling of less guilt? Let me know if am thinking on the right track here. I feel a bit more strong now and I think I can continue NC for a longer period of time. Please let me know your thoughts.

[swazzzz]

So she texted me today after 3 days of NC. I am happy to say that I have not replied back. She started with a "how are you" and then 3 hours later she writes in again saying "hope all is well. Take care. Tada. "Smiley face". I have not responded to this but I am so freaking desperate to reply back to her. Maybe she wants to have a chat, maybe she wants to meet up for dinner, there are so many maybe's. our breakup happened due to her family not agreeing to us getting married so she broke up with me to appease her family. So there isn't any bad blood as such. Should I reply back to her now or reply back after a few days? I am unsure of her intentions here so lot of confusion in my head.

[LOSTnMT]

Swazzz the only thing I can think of that would suck worse than you original post....is typing that out on a Blackberry! Damn son! That was impressive

 

Sorry to hear about your problem, but it will get better.

[LOSTnMT]

So she texted me today after 3 days of NC. I am happy to say that I have not replied back. She started with a "how are you" and then 3 hours later she writes in again saying "hope all is well. Take care. Tada. "Smiley face". I have not responded to this but I am so freaking desperate to reply back to her. Maybe she wants to have a chat, maybe she wants to meet up for dinner, there are so many maybe's. our breakup happened due to her family not agreeing to us getting married so she broke up with me to appease her family. So there isn't any bad blood as such. Should I reply back to her now or reply back after a few days? I am unsure of her intentions here so lot of confusion in my head.

 

Dont reply, that just gives her what she wants and she controls things that way.

 

I know it sucks but just ignore her, no contact means no contact. If you do this your situation will improve sooner than later, if you contact her you are just resetting the time it takes to heal