janetl Posted June 19, 2013 Posted June 19, 2013 We work together. Over time we have gotten friends. Initially, he was challenging me a lot. I gracefully but consistently kept answering all his work related questions until he finally started realising and openly agreeing that I know what I am talking about and there is a lot to learn from me. Then I started seeing change in him. He openly started saying to me that he likes me a lot and respect me so much. I helped him through a few weeks of really tough time at work, like I would help any other co-worker. He also helped me in one project that I was struggling with saying that he is only doing so because he respects me and wants me to succeed. He also stated saying that we have become good friends, which is true. But somewhere along the line, I am beginning to fall for him. He is married with kids. I am divorced and he knows that. I really like him and I think he genuinely likes and cares for me. May be he has nothing in mind. But his open admission about all the respect and liking and friendship and caring for me is getting to me. I almost want to tell him that stop caring for me so much because I am falling for you and I don't want to. But I don't want to lose a friend, because it's hard to have good friends at my workplace which is very competitive. How to tell him without making things awkward?
kamani Posted June 19, 2013 Posted June 19, 2013 (edited) I think you should back off right now. You are on your way towards an emotional affair. May be he isn't aware himself. No need to tell him anything, it may provoke feelings. Try to work in groups and to stay away from him. Keep the distance. My personal experience is that once you develop feelings towards your friend, there's no going back to the 'Friends' status. I lost a very good friend like this and I'm still grieving the loss. Edited June 19, 2013 by kamani 1
sybo24 Posted June 19, 2013 Posted June 19, 2013 Stop whatever you are thinking and doing and back right off. I wish someone had said that to me 3 1/2 years ago. I promise you if you take it any further or get anymore drawn in it will end in unhappiness and pain for all of you. Save yourself, keep coming on here and know that you are worth a lot more than he will ever give you. Good luck its a hard journey xx 2
Nattie Posted June 19, 2013 Posted June 19, 2013 Ohhh, this was me last summer, with a good friend at work. He's preparing to go in for the kill, mark my words. Then you'll realize you should have seen it coming. You're going to have to make the choice, become involved with a MM (best highs and lowest lows you will ever experience) or shut it down right now. Good luck!!!! 1
grassisorisntgreener Posted June 19, 2013 Posted June 19, 2013 My affair started 1.5 years ago...I wish I had never met him. I am head over heels in love and dream of nothing but a future with him... at the expense of my family. It's a really, really hard road.
ComingInHot Posted June 19, 2013 Posted June 19, 2013 It sounds like everything up until now has been a sincere, innocent development of friendship. Now as a M Woman, I don't think friendships w/the opposite sex are appropriate for the exact reason you wrote. Now, today, you are consciously making a decision about feelings that have krept in. This is where the women are separated from the girls (so to speak).* To tell him how You have started to feel is cracking the door for MM to enter a relationship that will potentially obliterate Many peoples lives. What do you Think you should do as opposed to feel you should do? Right vs. Wrong sort of thing...
Author janetl Posted June 19, 2013 Author Posted June 19, 2013 Thank you all. I think I know I need to back off, just wanted to hear it. Isn't it amazing though that so many here are saying the same thing as after going through all of this... He is very smart and well tuned with me to figure I am backing off. But I will have to try anyway. I had a long painful marriage. I have not meet anyone that I could have this good friendship with since divorcing, let alone fall in love. So it is extra hard... I will try anyway.
Author janetl Posted June 19, 2013 Author Posted June 19, 2013 hmm.... thats a bit dangerous in terms of telling him how you feel- Just because someone likes and respects you does not mean he wants to have an affair with you- not all men are on the prowl Work relationships are tricky- I would back down a bit and see if he pursues anything before you say anything to him You may make him angry if you insinuate his interest is anything but professional and that could backfire- There are lot of people who like and respect me at work. But he has been very expressive about it. I wish I somehow knew he is on the prowl, that will help me back off, lol.
JustJoe Posted June 19, 2013 Posted June 19, 2013 There are lot of people who like and respect me at work. But he has been very expressive about it. I wish I somehow knew he is on the prowl, that will help me back off, lol.Janet, OSF's are a myth, except in the case where one of the friends is gay or too old /young to be of interest. in my opinion. If he is being friendly , then he is also willing to take it to the next level. In a situation like this, where you want him to back off, but don't want to have any awkward drama, my suggestion is that you slowly and gracefully, over a period of time, reduce the amount of interaction between the two of you. From constant contact, to sporadic contact, to minimal contact.
underwater2010 Posted June 19, 2013 Posted June 19, 2013 We work together. Over time we have gotten friends. Initially, he was challenging me a lot. I gracefully but consistently kept answering all his work related questions until he finally started realising and openly agreeing that I know what I am talking about and there is a lot to learn from me. Then I started seeing change in him. He openly started saying to me that he likes me a lot and respect me so much. I helped him through a few weeks of really tough time at work, like I would help any other co-worker. He also helped me in one project that I was struggling with saying that he is only doing so because he respects me and wants me to succeed. He also stated saying that we have become good friends, which is true. But somewhere along the line, I am beginning to fall for him. He is married with kids. I am divorced and he knows that. I really like him and I think he genuinely likes and cares for me. May be he has nothing in mind. But his open admission about all the respect and liking and friendship and caring for me is getting to me. I almost want to tell him that stop caring for me so much because I am falling for you and I don't want to. But I don't want to lose a friend, because it's hard to have good friends at my workplace which is very competitive. How to tell him without making things awkward? You don't have to tell him anything......just be PROFESSIONAL. Stop talking about general life and talk about work. Anytime the "special" feelings come up just think about the damage that would happen to his kid(s) if you both were to move on to another level. Here is something else to think about....he might just respect you professional and might not think about you the way you think about him. Just food for thought. 1
Clemenza Posted June 19, 2013 Posted June 19, 2013 I'm sure A's in general are extremely difficult on one's psyche, but the ending of my A with a MW at the office has been a special kind of hell. I knew it was likely to cause me a lot of distress at some point, but I let my heart get the best of me. Tread VERY lightly.
DelusionalOne Posted June 19, 2013 Posted June 19, 2013 Hi Janet... I hate typing on my phone but I will address this in greater detail later this evening. Detail about the hell you walk thru at your job when it ends... And it will end... He will not leave you for his wife and children. EVER. When his wife finds out (and she will) he will cut you off so fast it will send you reeling. What you are going thru, thinking, feeling, he is saying, he is doing is not different, special or a love like no other. It is typical textbook. I am not trying to be harsh... I am trying to spare you the great pain you will feel if you don't cut this off. There is no "try".... There is either do it or don't. Make the choice. 1
georgia girl Posted June 19, 2013 Posted June 19, 2013 Janet, I have to agree with the other posters. Read around here a bit and you will see the devastation. Where you don't see it, it's because there hasn't been a dday or a rare occasion when the affair was a true exit affair/love of their lives. I am the child of infidelity and I can tell you a little bit of your future: his kids will hate you, forever; his spouse will be furious and even if she doesn't do it, the affair will tear your reputation to shreds - as a divorced woman you'll be seen as a desperate homewrecking b*tch. (It may be highly unfair of a characterization, but that's what happens.) He will likely not leave his family for you and in the end, your work reputation will be in shreds and you'll probably either want to or have to leave that job. And that doesn't even get into the emotional turmoil of "I love you" and you're the real woman in my life to "I need to work on my marriage." Gosh, don't put yourself through that. You said you had a painful divorce. Wait for a new, unattached guy to come along. Someone with whom dating again can be fun and scary and exciting and comforting all at the same time. My best, GG 1
Author janetl Posted June 19, 2013 Author Posted June 19, 2013 Thank you everyone. I was not looking for this. It is very rare for me to find such good friends (both female and male). It's painful enough that this makes me realize how lonely I am and how deep my need for emotional attachment has been; not to mention all the still hurting wounds from past marriage. I want to do the right thing. I want him to do the right thing too. I wish he backed off too and stopped saying how much he respects and cares for me. It's just so unfair.
Praying4Peace Posted June 19, 2013 Posted June 19, 2013 Janet- Do NOT say anything to him! Some things are better left unsaid. Once you open that door, it will be hard to shut it. Just consciously make an effort to limit contact and not interact too much. But, do NOT say anything or 'talk' about it. 1
LilGirlandOW Posted June 19, 2013 Posted June 19, 2013 Janetl, I was an OW to my married boss! and am still the OW, just not working there anymore. Workplace A, all around the spectrum are dangerous, cause once you're in it, your there cause you have to be... thats where you work..., we started our A as an EA, then it got physical, I was the same as yourself except my xH was abusive towards me, so i instantly fell for my MM cause he was and still is a great friend and support and says all the sweet wonderful things i want to hear. Heres the down side, after the EA rev's up, you both fall in love, and he seems like such an amazing man how couldn't you fall madly in love with him right? wrong, you become a secret, his love, his secret, his "girlfriend", his secret, his "one and only".... His Secret! That part will eat you from the inside out... trust me. 1
HonestNeurotic Posted June 20, 2013 Posted June 20, 2013 I don't think it's ever a good idea to date people at work - married or not. It can just be awkward if it doesn't work out. And people will talk. Every time you get a raise or a bonus or a promotion - it will be questioned as to WHY, even if you deserved it. Even if he wasn't married. Just not a good idea. You seem to recognize that you're lonely. Have you tried dating? New activities where you can meet people? There's more to life than work. Don't ruin your work over this. And every man I have EVER worked for - would compliment me, had some level of caring - an they never, ever tried to cross any line with me or anything. I maintain professional relationships will all of them to this very day. Now only ONE of them did I truly like, as a person, as someone I would be a friend with. Even then - friendship was all it ever was. Yes, some men CAN be friends with a girl. Granted, not all of them. But I have some and they never, ever would cross that line. Good friendships are too hard to come by. And it's hard enough for women to gain respect in the workplace.
Author janetl Posted June 20, 2013 Author Posted June 20, 2013 I think you are reading too much in to it honestly...you sound like you may be looking for affection and taking what is a normal professional relationship and making it out to be more than it is... Well, the signs are clear. I am not reading anything more than what is literal. As I said, he may not be aware of it, and the effect it has on me. He may or may not be conscious about it all. Either way. I am doomed to lose a friend, a good one. So be it. 1
kamani Posted June 20, 2013 Posted June 20, 2013 IMO, neither the MM nor the OP wants an EA or PA. Yet what happens is not always what we 'want' to happen. It's good you came here before it's too late. Either way. I am doomed to lose a friend, a good one. So be it. You are there! Loosing the friend is far better than hurting several people including yourself. 2
kamani Posted June 20, 2013 Posted June 20, 2013 IMO, neither the MM nor the OP wants an EA or PA. Yet what happens is not always what we 'want' to happen. It's good you came here before it's too late. Either way. I am doomed to lose a friend, a good one. So be it. You are there! Loosing the friend is far better than hurting several people including yourself.
Author janetl Posted June 20, 2013 Author Posted June 20, 2013 IMO, neither the MM nor the OP wants an EA or PA. Yet what happens is not always what we 'want' to happen. It's good you came here before it's too late. You are there! Loosing the friend is far better than hurting several people including yourself. Thanks. Yes, I am not looking for an EA / PA. I am looking for emotional support and attachment from a good friend. It's unfortunate that it is being offered by an MM, more than I am asking for. You are right, while trying to get what I 'want' I am getting into something that I do not 'need', none of us. I am resolved to back off. Thanks all for in time support.
Author janetl Posted June 24, 2013 Author Posted June 24, 2013 Ok, I am trying to back off. Either he doesn't seem to get it or he is ignoring it. He continues to be friendly and chatty and bringing up more and more non-work related topics: nothing romantic: just intellectual philosophical discussions that we both enjoy. I don't initiate anything but it's hard not to respond at all when he does. I just need to stick to it some more and see if he gets it?
Author janetl Posted June 24, 2013 Author Posted June 24, 2013 I know, I have already acknowledged that. I am not asking for it. So I asked here if I should just tell him so and ask him to back off. And I was told no. So I am trying to back off myself and he is not making it easy. I hate this!
Author janetl Posted June 24, 2013 Author Posted June 24, 2013 Wait, I am married and have great convos with men at work, there is one or two I am very close to, I have no interest in an affair with them. I still see no sign that he wants you, I think you are attracted to him and seeing signs that are not there. Plus, he explicitly keeps telling me how much he likes and respects me and how he'd rather talk to me (over his other co workers)...
Author janetl Posted June 25, 2013 Author Posted June 25, 2013 You are so right! Thank you for showing the right direction! Wow, that really opened my eyes! How stupid of me!
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