Vague question.... about lying..

[lady.grey]

Hello all!

I have been following LS for quite sometime but have not joined Anywho, I have a lot on my mind at the time and will disclose more info later, but want to know what you all think about "white" lying.

Basically, I want to know how much you all, the community, "lies" or slightly changes or leaves out pieces of information to make your loved one at ease or not worry. Or even to make them feel differently about your past.

I understand that your children don't count because children are different than adults.

But I'm talking about maybe not talking about being a player in your past because you are 10 years older than your SO and don't think that they should know about your scheming ways a decade ago?? And that they've made more mistakes than they care to regret.

I am in no way blaming my husband for his past.... But it's taken him 2 years to tell me every single detail about what lead up to his ex's pregnancy and his high school sweetheart he betrayed and was chasing after all.

My point is: how much do we cover up to make our PRESENT loved ones feel secure and maybe even feel is a mundane detail of our past?

My husband has never asked me about my past and I feel his full intimate disclosure of his past is a huge revelation in our relationship.. And I don't know why I care who he slept with 10 years ago....

I really don't, but I know he feels unworthy of me today. I just want to know why he wouldn't tell me how horrible of a player he was just because he wanted to protect our relationship??

 

I'm ranting but my question is: Do we lie to our loved ones so that they can go on contently with their lives??

 

Thanks, LG

[macy]

I can see why this is a concern for you. Maybe you are searching for answers to see if he's learned and grown from past behaviors. Not disclosing information is called lying by omission. If I've learned anything about the break up of my marriage it's that communication is very important. Maybe the most important thing of all. The best determiner for future behavior is past behavior but at the same time people can learn and grow from mistakes.

[lady.grey]

@Forum_Lurker

I do agree about the "need to know" basis with information about your past. And I have seen extremely dramatic men lol but in my case, my husband is always understanding and never, I mean NEVER gets a temper with me. Unless I am on my "always on the go" streak and constantly rushing him because he loves to play video games lol

 

Like I said, he has never asked me about my past and has ABSOLUTELY no desire at all to even raise questions about it because I am his and that's all that matters now to him. That's the main reason I am with him is because he is mature and wants a PARTNERSHIP. I guess since he has a child, is much older than me, and was a "player" and party-er in his past was just something he wanted to leave there in the past. He told me he doesn't even think about the girls he was dating. Which is completely ok. And he did open up to me last night about how he feels that ultimately Karma got him in his ass. It made me very sad actually because today he is no one close to who he was 8 years ago. Which is a GOOD thing!! haha

 

He has also told me that having a baby girl has completely changed his outlook on life and definitely shut off his temper and boyish compulsions. He really is a family man and home body today.

 

I guess what I'm saying is: He has told me before that we omit information or maybe make a false promise or even lie to keep things on an even playing field sometimes. Specifically with his child's mother and to be honest, I even do it with my parents. It's all about how we manipulate the other person so that they can live their lives and still know that things are OK. Of course, he will always tell me everything I want to know. I just understand now that I really didn't "need to know" every single detail about his past. And I will NOT hold it against him but it does give me an idea of where he is coming from, and probably why he was so ready to commit to me in the beginning. He told me that he honestly doesn't know why I came in to his life but he believes that this was Fate and God's way of giving him a final chance. He believes very strongly in fate.

I have a tattoo that says "Love Never Fails" on my chest and the first thing he asked me was "do you really believe that?", I said yes, and he was in love! haha kinda cheesy.

 

@Macy

I do believe he has learned and grown from his past completely! But I also do believe that he was "lying by omission" but I do understand why. I hate to admit it, as all of us women do, but we love to hang on to things from the past, especially finding out something about our lover's scandalous past. He told me the "number" of girls he's slept with but it was just hard to learn the entire story, and like I said it really is sad. He cheated on his high school sweetheart when she cheated on him, she came back but he had gotten someone else pregnant in the mean time. Then after he decided to grow up and be a family man, his little girl was a few years old and his ex cheated on him!.... Ultimate Karma :/ His mother also died shortly after his daughter was born and that has changed him a lot too. He is definitely my "rock" when I need him. He holds his sad emotions inside very well.

 

We do have open conversation very often but we are also constantly together. Sadly, when it comes to being stubborn and playing the quiet game, I am the one to blame. He never keeps anything from me and that's what I respect most about him besides he is a wonderful father. Also, he is very spirited and gets on my nerves sometimes with how much he jokes and how silly he is, but it keeps me young;)

 

I have also read here on the forums, about cheaters specifically, that if you share your life with someone you love, you cannot hold anything against them and have to accept them completely (especially if you have chose to forgive them, or in my case, forget the distant past!). I know who he is today and really have no reason to hate who he was almost a decade ago because, Macy, I do believe that it has made him a better person and a man. Example: My BIL's girlfriend always brings something up about the girl he was dating before her in EVERY SINGLE ARGUMENT that they have.. That's just my rant on women holding on to the past but I digress.

Edited June 19, 2013 by lady.grey

[ForeverHopeful1]

I have told my H many times, "if I didnt ask, dont tell me. Im not a moron and I do think about these things. Im no fool. I either know the answer, or dont want to know. If I ask, tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. If I dont ask, it means I DONT WANT TO KNOW! Sometimes I dont ask about the truth because I myself cannot handle the truth. I know myself well enough to know that the truth may kill me and when I know this of myself, I dont seek it until I am ready for it."

 

At times, he was silly enough to believe I just didnt catch on, or that he had pulled the wool over my eyes. Right. NO! I just really didnt want to know. He would "come clean" and be honest, I would huff and puff, tell him "I know everything" and he would look at me confused like, "well, if you know, why havent I been yelled at for it yet?!?!??!?" LOL. Mainly because it doesnt matter or Im not ready to know or I never wanted to talk about it! There are certain things that deserve no voice in my world, and those things dont get a little pedestal to stand on and make waves in my life. Just because I know things, doesnt mean I have to address all of them. Sometimes just knowing is enough. Sometimes not knowing is better than knowing. Why do I need to know everything, ALL the time?

 

He has never quite understood this. Lol. He thinks because I am a woman, I must want to know everything. I dont. If I dont ask, it means I know the answer, or dont want to know the answer.

 

I was actually with my H almost 10 years ago. We were 19 and 22 when we met and are 29 and 31 now. He and I have both changed and grown so much and it would be a shame if we were to hold past things against one another. So long as any hurtful, or upsetting behaviour came to a halt, and the action was forgivable, we move on. We were babies when we met, and arent much older now! We will be celebrating 10 years in February. It would be unfair to forever live in a world where my favourite person held something I did when I was 20 against me until I was 45 just because we were together still. If you cant get over it, then leave me the hell alone! I mean, really. LIFE IS TOO SHORT. If you cant forgive, then forget them and find someone you can be with or be single, but if you are going to stay with someone, how can you forever be mad they didnt divulge information YOU wanted when YOU wanted it.

 

I am also a firm believer in people telling me things when they are ready. Just because I am ready to know, doesnt always mean they are ready to tell me. I look to my friendships for this sometimes. I have known things of my friends long before they told me, and I often wondered if I should approach them and ask how they are doing or why they hadnt told me. They werent ready to tell me. If they want me to know, they will talk to me about it. Clearly, they were not ready to come to me. Sometimes they tell me, sometimes they dont. It is their life and their life to keep private if they choose that.

 

We have always felt like the things in the past should stay there, and everything that happened, is something worth forgiving, and not leaving over. I cant see why people would stay and abuse one another for what they did in the past. If it is a deal breaker, then just break your deal and move on. If we are going to forgive and forget things, that means just that. My situation is different in that I was the woman he was with 10 years ago and Im the woman he still chooses today.

 

I am by no means saying the things your H has done in the past are things you are holding against him. I just think it was an important point to make on the subject. I think there are different reasons for withholding information at times and most times individuals arent ready to tell you when you are ready to hear it. Just because you are ready to hear about his past after 1 year never meant he was ready to tell you yet. I hope that helps!!!

 

xoxoxoxoxox