Type4 Posted June 19, 2013 Posted June 19, 2013 Hello all. I was in a relationship with someone I love dearly for 13 years. We've been broken up for around 3 months. She left, and it was my fault. I was closed off to alot of experiences, and unable to find a steady job. I was forced to confront all my **** and deal with it. It was devastating and the hardest thing I have been through, but it forced me to change in a big way, so even if I don't get her back there is some good to come out of this. She has seen that I have changed, and we've been in contact for about a month. I am moving and going to have a new career. She's sees what is happening, and to my amazement, gives a damn. We talk quite a bit via FB text messaging, and I have made it clear that I love her and would like to be able to try again now that I have finally grown. She loves me as well. But she is in a relationship with a new BF. Even though she is, she refuses to shut the door. She wants to see me become successful in my new career, and then we will see where we are. Am I being a fool for continuing to speak to her? I love being able to communicate with her, but it is taking a bit of a toll. It is hard to want something so bad, and not have any certainty about it. I will always love her, but I fear it is reactivating my addiction centers of my brain. I am also fearful that if I do cut contact, then I will truly end the possibility of having her back. Any advice would be appreciated.
scorpio1978 Posted June 19, 2013 Posted June 19, 2013 13 years is along time and you were a big part of her life, but as you write this, she is with another man, clearly having moved on and seemingly wanting to be in your life just to reassure herself that you can float on your own and ease whatever guilt she may have had about leaving. It's actually a selfish thing to do and to say that once you get your career going, she will see where you two are. Wow. Way to basically say that you are not good enough just as you are. Maybe you aren't for her, but that's like holding hope and dangling it in front of you. You should move on with yourself and your career for you, not for her or anything else. You have a fresh start. Take this opportunity to grow and breathe outside of this relationship. You likely will find that you are in a different place altogether 2
Author Type4 Posted June 19, 2013 Author Posted June 19, 2013 That is good advice. But I don't think it is guilt. I think it is genuine. Also, she did give me a lot of chances. I don't blame her for needing to see me be successful. It took her leaving for me to realize how screwed up I actually was. I know the career is for me, it is an excellent opportunity, one that I plan to dive into completely. I guess I wonder what you mean by I should move on? Should I break contact completely? I do already plan to embrace my new start, and seek out new romance. I just don't know if I should continue to have my heartstrings pulled by continually communicating with her. And honestly, I don't want to risk ending the possibility.
scorpio1978 Posted June 19, 2013 Posted June 19, 2013 What I mean by moving on is having no contact. Make her wonder what you're doing, how you're doing and if she reaches out, ignore it or take a long time to answer her. If there was a big chance of a reconciliation, she likely wouldn't be with anyone else right now. I think you're just in the shock phase right now and still holding on to something that was familiar to you for so long. I don't doubt her feelings are genuine, but there is always the question of "is she easing you along"? I think you need to rip the Band-Aid off of this relationship, start to accept that it is over and move on with NC. You hanging around will not give her a chance to miss you, you know what I am saying? 1
Author Type4 Posted June 19, 2013 Author Posted June 19, 2013 Thank you Metal Chick, that was really good. 2
Author Type4 Posted June 19, 2013 Author Posted June 19, 2013 Thank you Scorpio. I suppose what you mean by reach out is reach out to restart the relationship. Because she does contact me quite a bit. I don't want to block her, but I suppose I could ignore her or at least reply less often. And I don't want to hurt her. Ugh... I think blocking her might be the only option, but damn that will be hard.
hoping2heal Posted June 19, 2013 Posted June 19, 2013 She wants to see me become successful in my new career, and then we will see where we are. Am I being a fool for continuing to speak to her? Consider it sage advice that you do not want a fair weather partner. Aside from the fact that she is already seeing someone new, while keeping the door "open" for you and heaven knows that's cruel to being to him. As the Baz Luhrman song says; sometimes you are ahead in life and sometimes you are behind. You don't want nor need someone who is only happy to be with you when you're playing on the winning team or the bench will grow cold and lonely during a losing season. I commend you on the personal changes you are making, find someone worthy of your time to share them with. This gal just proved she's not up to snuff. 1
Thunderchild Posted June 19, 2013 Posted June 19, 2013 "To see where you are in your career" (!?!?!) WTF!!!!? Basically, she's not interested in you, she's interested in the potential future lifestyle that you might be able to provide for her. And, needless to say, when she gets a bit bored of you she'll be out there looking for other guys behind your back without giving up the safety, security and financial stability that she sees you providing. Run my friend, run very fast, very far - and do not ever look back. You deserve a whole lot better. 2
Inviv_girl Posted June 19, 2013 Posted June 19, 2013 Hello all. I was in a relationship with someone I love dearly for 13 years. We've been broken up for around 3 months. She left, and it was my fault. I was closed off to alot of experiences, and unable to find a steady job. I was forced to confront all my **** and deal with it. It was devastating and the hardest thing I have been through, but it forced me to change in a big way, so even if I don't get her back there is some good to come out of this. She has seen that I have changed, and we've been in contact for about a month. I am moving and going to have a new career. She's sees what is happening, and to my amazement, gives a damn. We talk quite a bit via FB text messaging, and I have made it clear that I love her and would like to be able to try again now that I have finally grown. She loves me as well. But she is in a relationship with a new BF. Even though she is, she refuses to shut the door. She wants to see me become successful in my new career, and then we will see where we are. Am I being a fool for continuing to speak to her? I love being able to communicate with her, but it is taking a bit of a toll. It is hard to want something so bad, and not have any certainty about it. I will always love her, but I fear it is reactivating my addiction centers of my brain. I am also fearful that if I do cut contact, then I will truly end the possibility of having her back. Any advice would be appreciated. Wow so if you do back together and then your career is not successful as she wanted I bet this girl would leave you again! She is with another man already after 13 years with you and left you cuz ur not in a steady job/steady financial. Man this is clear this girl doesn't want you as you are! do you want to be with that kind of person? again? 1
theonlyjuan Posted June 19, 2013 Posted June 19, 2013 Slam that door in her face. Let her realize what she is missing out on
Author Type4 Posted June 20, 2013 Author Posted June 20, 2013 Thanks for all the replies! There seems to be a consensus!
scorpio1978 Posted June 20, 2013 Posted June 20, 2013 There is a consensus. You're doing awesome things for yourself. Continue to do it for YOU and keep up the good work. 1
Author Type4 Posted June 20, 2013 Author Posted June 20, 2013 There is a consensus. You're doing awesome things for yourself. Continue to do it for YOU and keep up the good work. Thanks, Scorpio.
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