Feeling heartbroken

[Hoops]

I have moved my post here, as was told I posted it in the wrong forum.

 

I'm Married. I cheated on my wife. I did the cowardly thing (as they say) and tried to fill the holes in my life with someone else while still staying in my marriage.

 

So I guess I don't deserve any sympathy.

 

We have a 2-and-a half-year old daughter. She is awesome. She makes me feel that moving out is the last thing I would ever want.

 

My sex life with my wife is poor. It is part of the bigger problem that she doesn't know how to show any affection / flirting. Would it have killed her to squeeze my bum once in a while?

 

She also has health issues - pain and fatigue. It means she often just goes to bed at 9am and I'm left sitting here lonely. I feel very bad for her situation, but I also think she could have made more of an effort to show we attention at times.

 

We sometimes argue too. We don't communicate very well. I dont suffer fools, and can be quick to find holes in BS arguments. She gets hyper emotional and yells and screams rather than talks through problems. Seems like most disagreements have to escalate into nuclear war.

 

I felt so low. I think I got to the point that i became reckless and i didn't care what happened to me in my life. Anyway. I looked for some flirting on the internet. I started flirting with a woman who lives an hour away. We really seemed to 'click' on the chat and when she asked me to meet up, I wanted to. At home I felt so much resentment towards my wife I told myself "since you wont show me affection, Ill get some somewhere else".

 

As soon as me and this ow met, we clicked. We had a six month affair.

 

It has just ended. I am missing her so much. I thought it was going to be a fling/feel good thing. Maybe a revenge thing. But it became a proper emotionally-involved relationship. Not only very mutually caring, but also the sex was just the best and made it all the more emotional. She doesnt want to be the other woman in my life and wants to be with someone who she can be with properly. I totally respect that. I cant bare the thought of not living with my daughter full time. I figured Id be hurt either way (in our out of my marriage) so I am choosing to not see the other woman any more, and to try and learn to love my wife again. At the moment, I am just missing my love, and I feel heartbroken. Even though the whole thing started out as a kind of revenge "affection hunt" against my wife, she of course deserves better than this treatment. Despite all our marriage issues and the falling out of love situation, she really is an amazing person, who I still like.

 

I have lied to people, I feel **** about it. I am missing my "girlfriend" and I feel so very low. I feel I am back to square one. Ive let my wife down, myself down, and also the OW. On top of all this, a friend of mine died of cancer Sunday morning.

 

Feeling heartbroken and very ****. Apologies for the bad language.

[TheOW]

U have posted in the same forum as before.

 

But stay here I believe you will receive excellent and harsh advice, some people have recently discovered their spouses infidelities and may be bitter towards u but the vast majority of them have fully reconciled and are on this forum to try and help and support others, may they be the betrayed or the cheater.

 

Many of the posters on this forum and great people and can give you advice from their own experiences.

 

Good luck

[2sure]

I think the best place to start, or at least have a conversation about would be...

 

What do you ultimately want, other than for this all to go away?

I'm sure you want to be happy. I bet you want everyone to be happy. For the moment though let's just stick with you.

 

Do you really want to stay married to your wife?

[Praying4Peace]

I have moved my post here, as was told I posted it in the wrong forum.

 

I'm Married. I cheated on my wife. I did the cowardly thing (as they say) and tried to fill the holes in my life with someone else while still staying in my marriage.

 

So I guess I don't deserve any sympathy.

 

We have a 2-and-a half-year old daughter. She is awesome. She makes me feel that moving out is the last thing I would ever want.

My sex life with my wife is poor. It is part of the bigger problem that she doesn't know how to show any affection / flirting. Would it have killed her to squeeze my bum once in a while?

 

She also has health issues - pain and fatigue. It means she often just goes to bed at 9am and I'm left sitting here lonely. I feel very bad for her situation, but I also think she could have made more of an effort to show we attention at times.

 

We sometimes argue too. We don't communicate very well. I dont suffer fools, and can be quick to find holes in BS arguments. She gets hyper emotional and yells and screams rather than talks through problems. Seems like most disagreements have to escalate into nuclear war.

 

I felt so low. I think I got to the point that i became reckless and i didn't care what happened to me in my life. Anyway. I looked for some flirting on the internet. I started flirting with a woman who lives an hour away. We really seemed to 'click' on the chat and when she asked me to meet up, I wanted to. At home I felt so much resentment towards my wife I told myself "since you wont show me affection, Ill get some somewhere else".

 

As soon as me and this ow met, we clicked. We had a six month affair.

 

It has just ended. I am missing her so much. I thought it was going to be a fling/feel good thing. Maybe a revenge thing. But it became a proper emotionally-involved relationship. Not only very mutually caring, but also the sex was just the best and made it all the more emotional. She doesnt want to be the other woman in my life and wants to be with someone who she can be with properly. I totally respect that. I cant bare the thought of not living with my daughter full time. I figured Id be hurt either way (in our out of my marriage) so I am choosing to not see the other woman any more, and to try and learn to love my wife again. At the moment, I am just missing my love, and I feel heartbroken. Even though the whole thing started out as a kind of revenge "affection hunt" against my wife, she of course deserves better than this treatment. Despite all our marriage issues and the falling out of love situation, she really is an amazing person, who I still like.

 

I have lied to people, I feel **** about it. I am missing my "girlfriend" and I feel so very low. I feel I am back to square one. Ive let my wife down, myself down, and also the OW. On top of all this, a friend of mine died of cancer Sunday morning.

 

Feeling heartbroken and very ****. Apologies for the bad language.

 

It's not fair for you to be in your marriage for the above reasons. As for children, its quality of time, not quantity. Get some marriage counseling or get out of the marriage. With this dynamic, either she will cheat (and why make her that type of person?) or you will again. Human's need emotional connection and love. Your decision to stay in this marriage is inevitably going to lead to more cheating if you don't reconnect.

 

If you can't, your daughter will still be your daughter. It will be easier for you to coparent in a friendly way if you are honest with your wife about everything, though I'd tone it down on the 'love' feelings for OW, because an angry woman can be very vengeful, depending on the personality.

 

You also say you'd be hurt either way...in or out. If you are in but not with your whole heart, you are hurting- yourself, your wife, your girlfriend and eventually your daughter who will see that this is what a loving marriage looks like. If you leave respectfully- you will feel pain but everyone will have a chance to be happy. Of course, if you can fall back in love with your wife and feel no 'holes' there that would be the best option.

 

Good luck and I'm sorry you are feeling this way. I was married and had an affair with a married man who was my best friend and love of my life. We are no longer together and my H and I are no longer together.

[Hoops]

I think the best place to start, or at least have a conversation about would be...

 

What do you ultimately want, other than for this all to go away?

I'm sure you want to be happy. I bet you want everyone to be happy. For the moment though let's just stick with you.

 

Do you really want to stay married to your wife?

 

I think I want a whole family - but that to me means my wife being able to show me affection. Not to feel lonely a lot.

 

I have a previous failed marriage where I had been cheated ON. I know how devastating it was at the time. After 5 years of marriage and 2 beautiful daughters my ex had begun dating her old boyfriend. I was devastated. We got back together 6 months on, but after a few months together I was so unhappy that it was me that moved out. I think back then I needed to hear she wanted me not to leave, but that wasn't the case. I never got over the loss of not living with my daughters as they grew up. Having breakfast with them, talking about school and life etc.

 

If I had not had my daughter with my current wife, it is likely that we would have at least tried a trial separation by now. Probably as a result of one of the massive arguments over the last couple of years.

 

I wish I hadnt had an affair. Having spent six months with someone that makes me feel good, with incredibly intimate sex, has set me up to be even more disappointing with the relationship I have with my wife.

 

I don't know what I want. I know I don't want to feel heartbroken. I know the thought of my GF moving on and dating someone new tears me up. But like most heartbreak I also know it will eventually pass. I hate that 90% of every thing I do in my day seems to remind me of her. But like i said I guess those feelings wont last forever.

 

I don't know if I want to stay married to my wife. But I know the thought of not being a full time father is crushing.

[Confused48]

Dont stay with your wife if there is no passion. Don't stay if you don't like being verbally abused. Would you tell some one to stay if there was physically abuse? Of course not. So get out. You deserve better.

 

You made a huge, enormous, colossal mistake in having an affair in this situation. You made it much worse. Thank the stars it is over and you can now leave your abusive relationship without the cloud of an affair. Stay clear of your affair partner and all others until you are also clear of your abuser. Don't seek out another damaged person to have an exit affair with. Get out with your head held high. Only once you are out, then try to figure out why you got in this mess. Only after you figure that out can you then try to find someone who is healthy and right for you. Your affair partner is likely more F*cked up than you so stay clear of that mess and don't pine after her.

[Spark1111]

I think I want a whole family - but that to me means my wife being able to show me affection. Not to feel lonely a lot.

 

I have a previous failed marriage where I had been cheated ON. I know how devastating it was at the time. After 5 years of marriage and 2 beautiful daughters my ex had begun dating her old boyfriend. I was devastated. We got back together 6 months on, but after a few months together I was so unhappy that it was me that moved out. I think back then I needed to hear she wanted me not to leave, but that wasn't the case. I never got over the loss of not living with my daughters as they grew up. Having breakfast with them, talking about school and life etc.

 

If I had not had my daughter with my current wife, it is likely that we would have at least tried a trial separation by now. Probably as a result of one of the massive arguments over the last couple of years.

 

I wish I hadnt had an affair. Having spent six months with someone that makes me feel good, with incredibly intimate sex, has set me up to be even more disappointing with the relationship I have with my wife.

 

I don't know what I want. I know I don't want to feel heartbroken. I know the thought of my GF moving on and dating someone new tears me up. But like most heartbreak I also know it will eventually pass. I hate that 90% of every thing I do in my day seems to remind me of her. But like i said I guess those feelings wont last forever.

 

I don't know if I want to stay married to my wife. But I know the thought of not being a full time father is crushing.

 

WAIT A MINUTE HERE.....YOU WERE DEVASTATED BY A CHEATING WIFE AND WENT ON TO CHEAT ON YOUR NEW SPOUSE with some anonymous Internet flirt??????

 

Your new spouse suffers from a pain and fatigue disorder, chases after a two year old and you have massive arguments with her and dare to complain that she doesn't flirt with you or show YOU enough attention????????

 

I am venturing a guess that maybe, just maybe, it is YOU who has the issue.

 

How do YOU support your ill second wife with that baby? What do YOU do to show her that you are shouldering the responsibilities that come with illness and a two-year old????

 

Do you whine to your sick wife that there is not enough sex? What are the MASSIVE arguments about with this ill woman, mother of a toddler????

 

My LAST question: HOW could YOU do to her EXACTLY what had been done to you? CHEAT! When YOU very well KNOW the devastation of those actions????

 

I feel sorry for your in-pain mother of a toddler SECOND wife right now.

 

HOW could you?????????.

[Janesays]

Let me guess....current wife is none the wiser about your little tryst.

 

We all choose with our actions what kind of person we want to be. Every day that goes by where you lie straight to your wife's face, you are cementing that choice.

 

You reap what you sow. Good luck with that.

[waterwoman]

How long have you been married hoop? How long have her health issues been such an issue? Is it mainly since the baby was born? Have you considered she might also be suffering from PND as well as her other health problems?

 

I must say I struggle to have much sympathy with a man who cheats on his wife because she is ill. If you have been married for many many years, the health issues had been ongoing for a long long time and you had discussed them and got nowhere maybe it would be different but it doesn't sound like that is the case. Forgive me if I am wrong.

 

The fact that you have been a BS before now makes it, to my mind, worse. I have been through hell since d-day, I sure as hell wouldn't do it to anyone I loved.

 

" I dont suffer fools, and can be quick to find holes in BS arguments" - indicates a smart-arse? I wonder if you acted that way with your OW, or just your sickly hopeless wife ..... Has it occurrred to you that the more you 'find holes' in your wifes 'BS arguments' the more defensive and emotional she gets, Sometimes when we are suffering we don't need reasoned argument, we need compassion and understanding. I suspect if you managed that up front, she might be more open to reasoned argument and nuclear war could have been avoided. I can telll you all this because H has a tendency to do what you do and it winds me up so much!!

 

BTW 'Would it have killed her to squeeze my bum once in a while?'. The answer is probably yes. You don't express a great deal of sympathy for her condition, you sound utterly pissed off with her, unless she is remarkably thick-skinned she will feel that. Hard to want feel sexual with someone that gives off porcupine vibes.

 

Did you try to gently raise any of your issues with her before the affair? Did you ever wonder how she feels? You could try MC. You could try confessing to her about the affair and then explaining how you felt. But you need to lose the 'poor me' vibe. Because you don't sound like the only, or even the main, victim in this situation.

[Hoops]

I must say I struggle to have much sympathy with a man who cheats on his wife because she is ill. If you have been married for many many years, the health issues had been ongoing for a long long time and you had discussed them and got nowhere maybe it would be different but it doesn't sound like that is the case. Forgive me if I am wrong.

 

I don't know if I explained my relationship history badly or if there is some other confusion here - I didn't cheat on my wife "because she was ill". My wife was ill before we even met. Other than the last six months I would say for the previous six years I had been working very hard to deal with life's troubles - including those in my life and relationship with my wife. She get's pain, fatigue, occasional paralysis. However some months her symptoms are almost gone and other months her health is poor. There are responses from people here that imply that because I had an affair I must be a callous tw@t that doesnt care for my wife and never did. I work (and have done) very hard to make my life make sense. Getting up in the morning every morning (because my wife lays in) to change, dress, and feed baby, of course trying to get myself ready for work simultaneously, drop baby at nursary on two days of the week before getting to work. I work in a challenging andstressful job, come home to then cook and serve for everyone because usually wife has no energy to do this, play with baby for an hour before putting her to bed. An hour or two in front of the TV the wife usually goes to bed fatigues at 9pm, and I am bored and lonely till I go to bed somewhere typically between 11pm and 1am. Repeat all week. Weekends are usually busy also (including shopping and laundry). On top of this my wife has psychological issues that have never quite been resolved, and has counseling for this. It makes communication more difficult at times. Have we discussed our problems?? Of course we have. Hours and hours spent (over years) trying to figure out why we cannot communicate, trying to figure out why (during the months when she is well) she still seems to ignore me - and cant show affection. Tactics? Ive tried explaining in detail how I feel. Ive tried not mentioning anything for weeks and weeks to "stop pressuring her", Ive tried hints, etc etc. During rows when she acts like a teenager in tantrums I have threatened to audio-tape her to play back to her and show her just how damaging her rants can be (you can bet this idea wasn't well received). During rows Ive tried yelling back (shocks her for a moment, then she gets worse). I have tried walking away (she follows me around the house). When you tell someone your wife is ill, they immediately forget that that person still has the capacity to act like an @sshole at times.

Marriage isn't easy - I know this and didn't expect it ever to be so. When times are as bad as they can get you kinda just try and keep your head down and hold on - wait it out for a sunnier day.

Why did I cheat? (Especially seems madness considering having been a victim myself and know what it is like). I don't know the answer for sure. But I do know that I felt very very burned out. I was completely and utterly fed up feeling more like a flat mate than a husband/lover. I had fallen out of love with my wife, and not only cared less for her than I should, I felt so low I cared less for myself than I should. I frankly didnt care whether I was letting off bombs in my life - I just stopped caring about anything much at all really.

 

The flirting on the internet thing was obviously a huge mistake. I guess too much time on my hands in the evenings and a need to feel desired were the reasons I did this. I didn't set out to deliberately go "all the way".

 

Its not my wife's fault that she has her illness. But I DO think it is her responsibility to make me feel wanted. I never stopped (until this last year) giving her affection. I have been so desperate for attention that I have over the last two years drastically changed the way I look through strict dieting started going to the gym late evenings. I've changed from Peter griffen to brad pitt (well not quite) - but still no change in the way my wife treats me. Although I have been so "porcupine" the last six months I expect that hasn't helped I agree.

[Confused48]

You sound so miserable. Why do you stay married to her? You should not cheat to make yourself feel better. That won't work. You should leave to make yourself feel better. What is holding you to this relationship? Please don't say the child. That child is going to grow up thinking it is fine to hurl verbal abuse in a relationship. May even lead to physical abuse. That child will be a willing victim of abuse or an abuser if you don't stop taking the abuse yourself by either leaving or somehow else putting a stop to it.

[waterwoman]

Personally I don't think the BS sounds abusive as such. She sounds unhappy and suffering. However that being said I do agree that, as MC has been tried and failed and as the OP doesn't sound as if he even likes his wife very much, I think you should call it a day.

[MidwestUSA]

Can you offer one inkling as to why you married your wife? I'm befuddled.

[2sunny]

It is not her responsibility to make you feel good about yourself! That is your responsibility!

 

Your solution to your issues was to cheat... That's just passive aggressive and low.

 

Your posts scream - poor, poor me! Get help!

 

You are a product of YOUR decisions - poor decisions!

 

Only you can change that - but stop playing the victim role when you are the one that cheated and made others your victims!

[janedoe67]

There is zero doubt that cheating is absolutely wrong.

 

It is also wrong to yell and scream at one's spouse, which was happening before the A. I daresay if the A had never been mentioned the screaming and yelling would easily be labeled abuse.

 

One thing I will never understand is that how an affair (which is wrong) somehow cancels out every cruelty and transgression a BS ever committed....

[Snowflower]

 

One thing I will never understand is that how an affair (which is wrong) somehow cancels out every cruelty and transgression a BS ever committed....

 

How can you even say this? BS's here were mostly trying to be helpful to you in your thread. Do you have a bone to pick with those who were betrayed?

 

Where has anyone said this, besides?

 

Hey OP, you sound miserable in your current situation, and your wife sounds miserable too. Since you do have a young child, please consider all your options carefully.

[janedoe67]

How can you even say this? BS's here were mostly trying to be helpful to you in your thread. Do you have a bone to pick with those who were betrayed?

 

Where has anyone said this, besides?

 

Hey OP, you sound miserable in your current situation, and your wife sounds miserable too. Since you do have a young child, please consider all your options carefully.

 

No one here has said this at all. I encountered that sentiment elsewhere.

 

Cheating is a horrible betrayal that is the responsibility of the cheater.

 

And you are right, the people on this site have been more genuinely helpful to me than any other place I have been. I apologize for letting old emotions spill over.

 

Yelling and screaming is the responsibility of the person who yells and screams.

 

One does not mitigate the other....ever.

[Confused48]

Personally I don't think the BS sounds abusive as such. She sounds unhappy and suffering. However that being said I do agree that, as MC has been tried and failed and as the OP doesn't sound as if he even likes his wife very much, I think you should call it a day.

 

A lot of people minimize verbal and emotional abuse. Saying that if it doesn't leave a bruise then its not abuse, is like saying that if they didn't have vaginal sex then it is not cheating. Verbal and emotional abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse.

[waterwoman]

A lot of people minimize verbal and emotional abuse. Saying that if it doesn't leave a bruise then its not abuse, is like saying that if they didn't have vaginal sex then it is not cheating. Verbal and emotional abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse.

 

Indeed. I don't need a lecture on abuse. However as usual we only have one side. The OP seems to dismiss this woman's suffering with 'yeah yeah she's ill but she never slapped my arse' . And the question remains why he married her if she was so hopeless. And how infidelity would fix any problems that existed I don't even begin to understand.

[janedoe67]

I can't remember, OP, does your wife know about the affair?

[Hoops]

I can't remember, OP, does your wife know about the affair?

 

No she doesnt. I have obviously thought about telling her. I think it would be more for me to "clear my conscience" than anything.

 

I married her because I was in love with her.

 

Yes, I have stayed mostly for the child, and yes, I am desperately unhappy.

 

We have talked about our issues a lot, but not had marriage counseling. We have talked this week again (partly in response to some of the things said on this site) and we both want the same thing - to be in a loving relationship again. We don't want to raise our baby in an unhappy house, and we don't want to be one of those couples that instantly break up as soon as the kids "fly the nest".

 

She has agreed to try proper marriage counseling. Our first session is on Wednesday. Baby sitter arranged..

[2sunny]

No she doesnt. I have obviously thought about telling her. I think it would be more for me to "clear my conscience" than anything.

 

I married her because I was in love with her.

 

Yes, I have stayed mostly for the child, and yes, I am desperately unhappy.

 

We have talked about our issues a lot, but not had marriage counseling. We have talked this week again (partly in response to some of the things said on this site) and we both want the same thing - to be in a loving relationship again. We don't want to raise our baby in an unhappy house, and we don't want to be one of those couples that instantly break up as soon as the kids "fly the nest".

 

She has agreed to try proper marriage counseling. Our first session is on Wednesday. Baby sitter arranged..

 

It's worthless unless you get honest about what you're really doing behind her back.

[janedoe67]

I am far from an admirable person but I do think it is very very important for you to tell her about the affair. Marriage counselling will honestly be a waste if the counselor is trying to help you with such a big piece of the puzzle missing. It is hard and scary to confess but I can tell you that it is much better to step up and confess than to have it found out and have it found out you tried to cover it up. Then anything you do to improve your marriage is tainted by the lie. And she has a right to know so that she can make an informed decision about her own life.

 

Like I said I am far from a good example but I do know that at least giving her the truth yourself will be better for both of you than her stumbling onto it, and she almost assuredly will.

[waterwoman]

Good news on the MC. But you have to tell her the full story.

 

Sorry if I have seemed harsh on you hoops, but your total seeming lack of remorse and the blame you heaped on your wife (sick with a small child) just pushed too many buttons. I hope you can find the courage to be honest.

[Zenstudent]

Hoops, I think you need to remove yourself from your self appointed victim role. You're deflecting responsibilty and projecting your guilt to your wife.

 

Take responsibility for the situation, tell your wife and work from there. Counselling is at best a waste of time and money if you're hiding such a huge betrayal.

 

I suspect that your goal with MC is to make your wife look like the one who is responsible for the poor state of the marriage and then have the counsellors approval of you being the victim - is this true?