wasistlos Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 Hey all, I wasn't sure where to put this, but here goes: Back story: I live with my fiancee. We've been together 1.5 years. It was awesome in the beginning, but over the past several months, things have been going downhill. First the sex disappeared, which I've tried talking to him about (not nagging, I promise you) - he just got really mad and said I didn't trust him and the sex shouldn't matter (It doesn't, but it does...I just love being close to him, you know how it is). That being said, I don't think he's cheating on me...we're together pretty much all the time (his choice, spending it with anyone else would be a waste of time, he says), and he's too self-righteous to cheat. Over time he started getting really mad about other things I'd do, and I remember being blindsided by his reaction...I didn't know the things I did were wrong or connected to trust (trust is a huge thing for him, and it's important to me too, which is why I want to be honest). It's not like I was breaking his trust and going behind his back or anything, but asking about how he's doing or talking about the relationship is seen by him as distrustful. To me, I thought I was showing him I was trusting him by showing all of my feelings. Anyway, whenever we fight, he gets really nasty. Like, he'll blow over small things, and start saying how I'm such a s***, how I'm immature or being childish. I'm trying to have a discussion, and he goes off ranting...and heaven forbid if I start to get frustrated because it just makes it like ten times worse. I think I'm just...starting to get to my breaking point. The other day we got into yet another argument over something stupid, and he finally said "I'm proud of everything I've said to you. I wouldn't take back a single word." So, I took that as: "I'm proud to have hurt you." He's hurt me pretty bad in the past, too, with the things he's said (and never apologized for, only told me that I caused the pain and it's my fault he's said all of what he did). I've stopped sharing my feelings and telling him things. I have to fake being happy or else he gets mad. I do take a lot of the blame for what's happened, maybe I should have been different or less insecure, or something. Maybe I should just be happy with what I've got, but it's just hard being so isolated and like...scared to show my real feelings. I'm having a hard time getting over all the stuff that's happened, and I know I probably seem pretty depressed to him. I just like...don't know what to do anymore. And it's confusing because when we're not fighting or if I don't provoke him, like...everything is fine. We have fun and get along mostly. Anyway, sorry for the long story. Thank you so much for any insight!
Balzac Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 Run Run Run What's this need you have for abuse? Huh? 2
HokeyReligions Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 Run Run Run What's this need you have for abuse? Huh? RUN RUN RUN is right. Go talk to a counselor at a battered women's shelter. This man , no matter how much you love him or how insecure you may be, is BIG trouble. Get out now. 1
Minnie09 Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 Well, ARE you insecure? Your post doesn't indicate that, but why are you asking whether you should "stop" being insecure? Is that a real question? Anyhow, that's not the point. Talking openly about your feelings with your partner and asking him how he's been doing and feeling is not a sign of insecurity, and the fact that he feels threatened or attacked by your attempts to have an intimate discussion is a sign that he's not a very balanced person. You can interpret his reactions in different ways. Eg some get defensive like that when they've got something to hide, like an affair, or they are just uncomfortable talking about their feelings because they don't know themselves, or they're empty inside, or they simply don't know who or how they are. Neither of those explanations are good signs. It means that there is for some reason a fear of intimacy. He's withholding sex on top of everything else, which is ALMOST always a sign of a power/control issue or cheating. He sounds like a control freak to me, trying to manipulate you into being happy/content all the time, without bringing ANYTHING up whatsoever. And I'm not even referring to any type of conflict. If I read you correctly, a simple discussion about feelings or emotions can tick him off. He seems to be running from something, probably himself, by stonewalling you. He's not comfortable sharing with you. Guys like that may have commitment issues, anger issues, or both. Look at his FOO. Relationship with parents. Quality of his parents' marriage. Stuff like that. How did his previous relationships end? I don't want to say he's an ass, but he definitely reads like an ass, and asses don't change without substantial therapy.*
veggirl Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 Provoke him? In what ways do you think you PROVOKE him to act the way he does and call you names? Why are you taking responsibility for HIS inability to behave like a decent human being?
CarboniteCammy Posted June 19, 2013 Posted June 19, 2013 This advice is coming from someone who has a history of very unhealthy relationships. I've been in therapy for several months, and while I'm not where I want to be, I've learned alot... My therapist once gave me a good analogy for a relationship and I'd like to share it with you. She said, "Sometimes, you're like a frog. If you put a frog in cold water, he probably won't jump out. If you try to put a frog in boiling water, he'll try to escape. But, if the water starts out cold and gradually heats up, he'll sit in the water until he's boiled through, because the heat was turned up so gradually he didn't realize he was in danger." Sometimes that's how it is in relationships that are unhealthy. They don't start out that way, otherwise no one would stay. They get more unhealthy as things go on until you don't realize how bad they really are. But, you're used to it, so you remain where you are. With all that said, my practical advice is to get out while you can. Eventually, he'll have you convinced you were the problem all along and that you'll never find anyone willing to put up with you like he can. He may have already started saying things like that.
meeji Posted June 19, 2013 Posted June 19, 2013 It sounds like he is controlling you with fear. Don't go for that, girl! He doesn't know what he has and probably won't know if you never leave his a#%. Get out of that situation as fast as you can. I don't think this man loves you and I think he has problems that he uses you as a punching bag to deal with.
Author wasistlos Posted June 19, 2013 Author Posted June 19, 2013 Ahh you guys are right. It's so obvious, I know. Even if it wasn't an abusive (I think?) relationship, there's been a total breakdown of communication, no attraction, and resentment. No relationship can really survive with all that going on, right? I think the reason I stay is because I'm trying to prove I'm not such a mess up. That and he says like...affectionate things. But he also randomly says crap like how I look like road kill or some other 3rd grade BS. It's all the conflicting messages that have me so confused. He just keeps saying the root issue is I don't feel like I'm good enough, which is true, I don't anymore because of all the crap. Anyway, thank you all for your responses. And Minnie, I don't think I'm an insecure person, and I love my independence, but I do like reassurance, too. The thing is when I've asked for reassurance in the past, he'd firmly deny me and tell me I'm being a child, so I'm not even sure what the right way to be is. Maybe I am insecure and not trusting? Is it wrong to want to be reassured if there's a perceived distance? I didn't used to feel so insecure until the sex stopped, really. Carbonite, that's a pretty pimp analogy, thank you! Thanks again everybody.
Lecturer Posted June 19, 2013 Posted June 19, 2013 This relationship is not healthy. I hope you are aware of this. This is basically an abusive relationship. Leaving does not make you a screw up - I'm not really sure where you get that idea. It's true that we're only hearing one side of the story, but even if the abuse went both ways, it is still important to end such a relationship. If you've gotten to a point where you think this is normal or ok, then I envy you when you are into your next relationship and see how things are supposed to be. You'll be on cloud 9.
SweetandHappy Posted June 19, 2013 Posted June 19, 2013 Take it from someone that spent 18 years trying to read mixed messages... it gets worse over time and if you marry. The abuse will gradually get worse and any love you have will be killed bit by bit with every nasty word or action you endure. You will end up wondering how you got to this place. Run NOW! 1
loveunlimited Posted June 19, 2013 Posted June 19, 2013 <*wasistlos*> he is eroding your temperament, character and personality to such an extent that you can't even recognise when you are being manipulated. Which is pretty much every time he opens his mouth. Making you think everything you ask for, require and need from him is down to your own deficiencies. Sweetie he's an arsewhole. A prize manipulating controlling bully and a s-hi-tbrain to boot. At your earliest opportunity, devise a strategy which will see you out of there.I know your immediate thought probably goes towards 'oh I have so many 'things' i would want to take with me!' Think of the poor unfortunate people whose homes have been devastated by tornadoes or tsunamis, and imagine losing everything. see, it's not so bad, because you have the one thing you most need: you. Things are just things. my parents lost everything they had in a house fire. they're still alive, and guess what. They have more 'things'. Leave as soon as you can. call a colleague, a friend, a relative. Take your documents with you (passport, birth certificate - although of course you can replace those too) and get the hell out of there as soon as you can. your character, confidence and self esteem are far more precious for you, and actually much harder to get back, if you allow them to be trodden underfoot for any longer.
whichwayisup Posted June 19, 2013 Posted June 19, 2013 Please do not marry this man. He's not 'the one' for you! This guy is messed up. Sure he may love you, but he is not showing it the way a normal and healthy person should be showing love and respect, care and tenderness. Instead he's abusive, cruel, immature, has crappy communication skills, doesn't listen to you, treats you horribly and says mean things to you! You may love him, but it doesn't mean he has to be in your life. Time to put the wedding on hold and really think/ask yourself if you want to marry a man like this. Listen to your gut, listen to your friends and family, take to heart the advice given here. Honestly, I think if you marry him, he's behaviour will get worse as he ages and eventually his anger and frustration will turn into physical abuse in the future. You deserve a man who is going to love you and show you how much daily, in a loving and positive way. To be with a man who will NEVER make you feel bad, hurt you intentionally, be mean or abusive.
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