SimonSerenade Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 I decided last night to not use this website anymore, not because its not good or anything like that, it's actually a really helpful and resourceful website but just because I'm tired of thinking of her and I'm tired of running her through my mind every second of every day and I think I just need to distance myself from anything relationship related in my life. I've done a lot of thinking recently and it seems everything I thought she was, all that bad stuff, I don't think it's on her, I think it's on me, she's a great and wonderful person and I think I just brought out the worst in her. I think throughout any breakup I've had, I've been bitter, selfish and would sooner point the finger at the other, yeah they left me but they didn't leave me because there was something wrong with them, it's because there is something wrong with me, yeah it wasn't all my bad a lot of it was and I'm just now realising it and realising everything what led to those break ups, I don't hate myself for it but its nice to realise what doesn't work for me and never has, I don't feel sorry for myself anymore, I feel liberated. I don't want to feel the things I did for this girl and I don't want to feel any kind of anger, upset or bitterness, truth is she put up with A LOT and I didn't give her credit for it, months before I met her I came down with a chronic illness called labyrinthitis, basically an illness that wreaks havoc on the inner ear and for the last 2 years it hasn't left me, still dizzy, still anxious, still weak, still debilitating etc and she put up with that, she knew that going in and I feel it took its toll on her going out but she meant so much to me and I fell for her so fast because she was so compassionate about it all. She had to accept we couldn't do much together short of spending time indoors, she had to accept that I couldn't see her much when a frenzy of symptoms flared up, she had to accept we couldn't spend a lot of nights together, she even had to accept my random moods and depressing tone, she was an absolute angel and the truth is, I didn't deserve her and I still don't, I've done nothing to suggest that, I simply just expected it, I certainly didn't earn it. It always broke me in half that I couldn't be the boyfriend I wanted to be for her, she deserved so much better, she was such a wonderful positive happy person and I feel dealing with me in this way drained it out of her and that's something I won't and can't forgive myself for, to me she'll always be my hero, when I first met her I was praying and praying for something good to come along and she did and she was so much more than I ever could of hoped for, I took her for granted and didn't treat her right, it's as simple as that. Living with a chronic illness I felt unattractive and I felt I had nothing to offer anybody, worthless probably being the word to describe it, I took that out on her, I was jealous, I was anxious, I was paranoid, I didn't even realise what I was doing at the time, I would constantly worry and harass her to tell me what I meant to her, I degraded the wonderful and proud person she was just by thinking these things let alone expressing them, I was so scared she would find someone who could be the guy she truly wanted never realising it was me all along, now she's gone and all those fears come to life regardless. I don't blame her for leaving after reflecting upon all of this, I'd do the same if I was with me, I hope now she's happy and can one day find the person who gives her all it is she deserves and desires, she deserves more than the person I was and to be talked down to like I shamefully did, she was a hero and the only crime she committed was wanting to move forward with me, I wish now i would of soldiered through and spent more nights with her and most of all, asked her to live with me in a new place built for the memories of me and her, looking back it made no sense being engagement if she couldn't even have the promise of all of that, she was the only one for me and I blew it, I provoked her in to the person she became afterwards, I hope she finds that wonderful person again and never ever loses sight of it, that's my closure. The hardest point now is accepting that I'm on my own and it's just me again, finding happiness and peace with that and learning from my mistakes, one of my biggest fears is never finding that again, at least until I've fully recovered but I know there's no replacement for her, she stood by me through hardship and limitations, for that, she'll always be the one I loved more than anyone else and she nothing but my respect and good will for being that for me. Anyway, I just wanted to say that and for once in my life, be true to myself, I'm not the victim here, she is and hopefully now she can move on, I would love to speak to her one day and truly apologise to her for all of this but I won't, I'll never hear from her again and that's just something I have to accept, I sent her 2 gifts I bought of eBay purely out of good will in hope she finds at least a little peace in that, before it ended I bought her a real kick ass present she uses and loves every day, it can never take back anything I said or did but it makes me feel good to know she didn't walk away with nothing. Thanks for everything guys, you've been there for me, given me advice and took me out of the dark many times I've needed it, I'll never forget anyone on here for all that they've done for me, I just don't need this website anymore or anything remotely like it, with this realisation came peace of heart and peace of mind, it doesn't take away my regrets or the hole in my heart for her but thats enough and time will eventually do that for me. I hope everyone on here finds some peace one day and finds what they're looking for and most of all what they deserve.
PR08 Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 Very best of luck. I think you're making the best decision by far.
Bito Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 This site to me is here when you need it. Not when it needs you. Good luck! 1
Ale khun Posted June 19, 2013 Posted June 19, 2013 Simon all I can do its wish you the best with this new start , Good Luck
Hopeinme Posted June 19, 2013 Posted June 19, 2013 All the best! I hope you dont surpress your feelings inside. Whatever it is, I hope you heal and we are always here for you!!
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