scarlett35 Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 So here's the story. I've met this man- only online via social networking- who seems to be everything I've ever dreamt of in a man, and what's more, he's very interested in me. Last night, we had our first "real conversation" (rather than the sporadic exchange of e-mails in which we'd been engaged), and initially, I was just over the moon to be talking to him. We talked until nearly 4 a.m. until I finally fell asleep, but when I woke later today, I was suddenly overcome by feelings of... almost disgust with myself, for having been talking to him, and have found myself strongly wanting to ignore all of his attempts to reach me. I cannot imagine why this might be- we've only discussed very innocent and superficial things (albeit in an affection manner), so it certainly isn't as though the relationship is getting "too serious," or anything... yet I find myself wanting to run- really run- from the whole thing (to the point of deleting all accounts that I've used to contact him and just disappearing altogether). I've been longing to find a man worth getting know for years, and finally, it seems that one's just fallen into my lap, but here I am, doing all I can not to start purging my web presence right away. What in the world is wrong with me- I know that this experience can't be normal, but what could possibly be fueling this behavior? Please respond if you've got any ideas at all. I feel so guilty- both for talking to him in the first place, and for my strong desire to get away from him.
Star Gazer Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 You sound like a textbook commitment phobic! How would you describe your average romantic relationship? How long did it last, why did it end...?
Leegh Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 Maybe it was just too much too soon. I would go out with him again, but possibly for a shorter date, maybe a light dinner or something. It sounds as if you and he could be good match since you talked for four hours. On the other hand, if you strongly feel you do not want to go out with him again, then I would move on, and not see him again.
Sunshine87 Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 Are you the sort of girl/woman who wants what she can't have and doesn't like what she has? The type that prefers guys who treat women mean to keep 'em keen?
Phantom888 Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 Need more info. How old are you and he? How long have you been chatting? Did the conversation turn sexual? Was there any hint of weirdness? Does he sound like a pervert? Does he remind you of your dad?
thecrucible Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 Are you the sort of girl/woman who wants what she can't have and doesn't like what she has? The type that prefers guys who treat women mean to keep 'em keen? Sounds like the OP enjoys the thrill of the chase more than the catch. But maybe there is more to it than that. OP, could it be that you're getting spooked by your own expectations? I was reacting that way to dating about 4 months ago. Turns out that I wasn't quite ready but that I also put pressure on myself, thinking that if I met a guy, I'd have to let it go somewhere. Sounds crazy, I know. Now I realise that I have the right to opt out anytime in the process of getting to know someone and that there's no reason to rush things. Anyone who disagrees with my desire to take it slow isn't on the same page as me. Well now I'm able to live more in the moment during dates and focus solely on much of a connection I have with that person and how much I enjoy his company. It makes dating so much better for me. I don't go in with expectations of fairytales and fantasies. All I'm thinking about is the following: whether I enjoy his company, whether we share important values, and whether there is mutual attraction. Then I go from there.
shexy Posted June 19, 2013 Posted June 19, 2013 Have you ever met this person face to face, or has this all been online and 1 phone conversation? Why did you feel guilty after talking to him? Did you guys have phone sex or something? Were you dishonest with him? Did you say things you really didn't mean or make promises you didn't mean? I think it's a little hard to tell from one phone conversation and some online chat whether or not someone is a wonderful great man of your dreams.
Lani Posted June 19, 2013 Posted June 19, 2013 It sounds to me like you're subconsciously scared. Scared that after all this time of wanting something so badly, that now it's here it may not work out. And that it's better for you to just cut all ties to this man who seems so perfect in case he hurts you. You would have done it first. You know, 'better off me leaving this now than him breaking my heart' type thing. Don't break the ties. Be brave enough to try.
LittleTiger Posted June 19, 2013 Posted June 19, 2013 This sounds like a classic case of sharing 'too much too soon'. You say you 'talked' which, I'm guessing, means on the phone or webcam rather than actually meeting up. So you talked until 4am with someone who was essentially a stranger until that point and you presumably shared quite a lot of intimate details about your life. Details which, under normal circumstances, you wouldn't dream of sharing with someone you hardly knew. It doesn't matter what that level of intimacy involved eg telling him about how you felt when you didn't get the grades you wanted at school, or when you had a row with your mother, or when you were ill with a bad bout of flu, or maybe you went as far as having full on webcam sex - whatever it was, you stepped over your own boundaries. If you want to back off now, then do so, but at least be decent enough to let him know - even just in an email. If he's a decent guy, I'm sure you don't want to feel even more guilty for leaving him wondering where he went wrong. Next time, just be more careful about what you share with strangers. 1
Author scarlett35 Posted June 19, 2013 Author Posted June 19, 2013 I think I'd better clarify- by "talked" I mean, we just spoke on the telephone, none of this phone sex/webcam sex/ any other indirect forms of "intimacy." I'd never go so far as to do anything like that. I'm not really sure why I felt "guilty" so to speak; I think I'm just halfway ashamed of myself that I'd allow even the possibility of a relationship formed online instead of face-to-face. Where I'm from, or at least within my "social circle," this is something that would be highly discouraged, or at the very least frowned upon. I also haven't told anybody about said relationship, so I'm sure the fact that it feels as though I'm harboring a secret of sorts is playing with my conscience. I just don't quite know what to do. If I do, indeed, have commitment issues, then I don't simply want to succumb to them, but it's gotten to the point where I just really, really want to be rid of him. I suppose I'll just give it a bit more time and see if my feelings change or not...
FitChick Posted June 19, 2013 Posted June 19, 2013 You believe you don't deserve to be loved and are not good enough. There is an old quote along the lines of "I'd never want to belong to a club that would have me as a member."
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