JELMAN Posted October 13, 2004 Posted October 13, 2004 I need help, See for about 2 1/2 months now my gf has been depressed. She has been going through some changes that im not gonna go in to detail about. She feels stressed out all the time about College. Also she is 18 and she feels like her parents are treating her like she is 12. Her parents doent trust her. and now the most resent thing is her parents are trying to regulate the amount of time we get to see each other. See I have told her that I am here for her and that i will always be here for her. But she is scared that her being depressed will drive me away. I am so confused about what to do I have never had a gf that i have seriously thought was the one. And most of all i have never had a gf who was so depressed. Can anyone help me. Is there any advise you can give me about helping her.
dyermaker Posted October 13, 2004 Posted October 13, 2004 1. Follow through on your word. Be there for her. Make sure she is comfortable talking to you at her own pace/desire. 2. Don't try to solve things for her. You may not see this, but it's destructive to try really hard to fix her problems because it gives the impression that (a) her problems are marginal enough for some kid to fix and (b) her problems make you uncomfortable and motivate you to make them go away. 3. Be Columbo, not Perry Mason. Ask open-ended, nonagressive questions, and keep your brilliant conclusions to yourself. 4. I can't emphasize how important it is to NOT assume you can fix her problems. You'll drive her away, to the point where she'll either pretend to have fixed them, or keep it inside. 5. Finally, never forget what it's like to be depressed. Sometimes you don't *want* to talk about it, or you do, but you don't want any help. It's destructive, but strangely therepeutic to go through depression, and it's almost natural to want to feel down sometimes. It's often easier to manage feelings of unhappiness when you feel defeated, if that makes any sense. Let her pursue the road of unhappiness, and make sure you're able to be man enough to handle yourself without her at top-notch. It'll only make the road towards healthy interaction more rewarding.
Author JELMAN Posted October 13, 2004 Author Posted October 13, 2004 Thanks dyermaker I will try really hard to follow those guidelines. The last thing i want to happen is for me to driver her away. Make her feel like she has to say she not anymore to get me to stop talking like this. Thnaks again soo much. I love her soo much and i want to be with her forever.
JamVan Posted October 19, 2004 Posted October 19, 2004 Hi Jelman, I am experiencing the same thing. My GF is going through depression and at first I kept trying to get her to talk, thought it was me that got her this way, still wanted to be the way we were. The true fact of the matter is it will appear she is driving you away, she may be hurtful and it may seem like she doesn't care. I can't attest that if you decide to see her through this, it won't be easy! Not to sound negative, but the person suffering from DP, will coil up, want nobody's help, not be happy with themselves, have severe mood changes, etc.. http://www.depressionfallout.com/ . Check out this website on ways to cope. It helped me understand a lot about it, and made me believe that this is not because of me. I also, came to make a real good friend who has helped me out considerably online. She is always there to listen and calms me down when I start having doubts. You may find you can't talk to her about it at all, so you need to find someone you can trust and talk openly with. Best of luck!
Author JELMAN Posted October 24, 2004 Author Posted October 24, 2004 Hey JamVan whats her sn or your sn i believe we need to stick together on this Mine is Cdub2004jl AIM
Pocky Posted October 24, 2004 Posted October 24, 2004 Have you thought about discussing this with a school counselor? I'm assuming you're either in high school or in college and should have access to "free" professional advice. It might be good for you to discuss the situation you're in with someone that has experience with this in a professional aspect.
SoleMate Posted October 24, 2004 Posted October 24, 2004 Are you talking about garden variety depression, which is just a term for being down on occasion, or are you talking about actual, clinical depression? I can't tell from your email, but it is possible your gf would benefit from seeing a psychiatrist or counselor to be evaluated for depression. The medications these days are so effective they sometimes seem like a miracle. DON'T try to fix her problems. Just be a generous listener with a soft, absorbent shoulder, and a cheerleader when appropriate. And do be aware that depressed people often blame those closest to them for their own feelings of sadness - even if that is totally unjust.
JamVan Posted October 25, 2004 Posted October 25, 2004 SoleMate is right, don't try fix her because it will only end up bringing you down in the end. This is honestly the toughest thing I've gone through and I've been through a lot in my life. You watch the one you love transform into something they are not and you feel helpless, left out and hurt through it all. Sometimes you yourself may need to put space between you and the situation. The person going through depression first needs to realize they are in fact depressed and then only then can they begin to cope with their feelings. Anytime you want to talk I will listen, it really helps to talk to others in similar situations. You know then you are not alone in this world. Have has many patience as you have, cause you will need them and try not take anything personally.
whichwayisup Posted October 25, 2004 Posted October 25, 2004 Thing you all have to remember is this isn't her anymore. She is the person you fell inlove with...Just that the depression is the monster here and taken her over! Her mind is not thinking normally, she isn't feeling or reacting normally and will take it out on the closest around her. That doesn't mean that she doesn't love you...Just that she cannot love herself right now and the guilt is there, eating at her ALL the time! I do not have depression (Although being from Canada I do prob. suffer from SAD cuz our winters are just too LONG!!!) but I do have an anxiet disorder. I joined afew health websites and got the support I needed, talked to many people in the same situation as me. The isolation, the feeling of "noone will understand me or love me anymore" really F's with the head! My suggestion along with some good therapy, is get your SO's involved and online if they are willing! The people I have met and talk to online have helped me through my lowest and scariest of times last year. I don't know where I'd be without therapy and all my buddies! I wish you all the best and remember it will get better. Just have to be patient and know in your hearts that someday things will get back on track. It may not go away completely, but it will be manageable. You have to decide if she is worth the wait. If yes, then do what you have to do to survive and protect your hearts from feeling that pain... Keep on posting! Does help to get thoughts out and down on paper! WWIU
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