Phantom888 Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 I am an Asian-American. I was raised to express myself. When I fall in love with a girl (which happens rarely), I tell her how I feel. As posted before, I am in love with a woman, even though we have not been together long....3 weeks to be exact. I was married for 12 years, divorced for 3 years, and was in a serious relationship after my divorce. I am very careful with my feelings, but all along I knew one day a girl would make me break all of my rules. I spent this whole past weekend with my lady. It was the best weekend of my life. Yes I am being subjective because I am so in love. When we went to bed saturday night, I told her I love her so much I was going insane. She told me she wants to postpone saying "I Love You" till I do something "human" so that she can be sure that I am real (makes sense?). Right now she thinks I am too perfect, and she finds it hard to believe I am actually this way. Good thing because I am the true me when I am with her, and she actually like that. Next morning she said I Love You in her native language: German. I said, huh? and she translated. Then she went on to say it's good that I am signing a 1-year lease at an apartment close to her, so she wouldn't try to make me move in with her before 1 year is up. At least the contract obligation would prevent her from making me move in with her, she said. Then she told me when she sees me, she thinks to herself, "what a handsome man to have a baby with..." then we both laughed and went to brunch. Clearly she is in love with me. I blame society for making it not OK to express your love early in the relationship. She wouldn't say "I Love You" because she is taught that those words are heavily bound and restrictive. Why can't people say I Love You when they clearly have the feeling within them? I mean, people are more ready to have sex than to say I Love You? It just makes no sense at all.
MrCastle Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 Expressing affection is fine, expressing "love" is serious business. I'm 25 and have never used that word on anyone within the context of a relationship. I very much believe in the seriousness and weight of that word and would only use it if I only truly meant it. It's a scary word to say to somebody, so you really have to pick your spots. I can see why people would get uneasy if someone said "I love you" too early in a relationship. It's the strongest word there is. 3
Author Phantom888 Posted June 18, 2013 Author Posted June 18, 2013 Expressing affection is fine, expressing "love" is serious business. I'm 25 and have never used that word on anyone within the context of a relationship. I very much believe in the seriousness and weight of that word and would only use it if I only truly meant it. It's a scary word to say to somebody, so you really have to pick your spots. I can see why people would get uneasy if someone said "I love you" too early in a relationship. It's the strongest word there is. The thing is, society has taught you that it's the strongest word there is, and that you have to hold out on expressing it. It's not supposed to be binding. It's not supposed to be scary. If anything, it should be a word to set you free. Yes words can be powerful, but they are just words. How is it that sex is less serious? Traditionally people say I LOVE YOU way before they have sex, which was postponed till marriage. Now it seems the word LOVE has a heavier meaning than sex, which makes no sense. This is pure conditioning by a society that does not advocate commitment or romance. Sucks to be dating in today's world.
Feelin Frisky Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 It seems to me that she is quite wise. She apparently wants to be sure she KNOWS you before she starts professing love for you. And no one can be sure of who they are with until stresses of life demand exposure of how you behave in crises. I wouldn't begrudge anyone who carried themselves this way. It is prudence and I don't feel that it's a shortfall. I'm not neurotic and care far more about a partner's actions than her worlds. If she shows me loyalty, respect, consideration, those add up to something more than she's intoxicated with the thought of me even if her thoughts are skewed. I had a serious g/f when I was going to night school in my 30's. After knocking boots and carrying on for a couple of months we were sitting in the auditorium waiting for a video. She took my pen and wrote "I Love You" on the back of my notebook. I thought that was a nice way to just express it. I think "I'm in love with you" is different and more serious though. And I think more in those terms of being love sick and gaga for someone as opposed to just ejaculating that I love her. 1
MrCastle Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 The thing is, society has taught you that it's the strongest word there is, and that you have to hold out on expressing it. It's not supposed to be binding. It's not supposed to be scary. If anything, it should be a word to set you free. Yes words can be powerful, but they are just words. How is it that sex is less serious? Traditionally people say I LOVE YOU way before they have sex, which was postponed till marriage. Now it seems the word LOVE has a heavier meaning than sex, which makes no sense. This is pure conditioning by a society that does not advocate commitment or romance. Sucks to be dating in today's world. Because sex and love can be separate entities -- and in today's world, often are. Love has ramifications and implications. Love is about responsibility. Sacrifice. All that scary sh*t. I love you = -I feel like I can spend the rest of my life with you -I want to have children with you -I want to live together -I want to open myself up emotionally to you -I want us to make sacrifices for each other Sex = -Put that thing inside me baby Two totally different things. You can use sex as a means to express your love, but sex serves other functions as well. 1
tbf Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 Notice the values difference, guys? Phantom = go with the flow, freely express your emotions. Castle = commitment phobia. 3
MrCastle Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 Notice the values difference, guys? Phantom = go with the flow, freely express your emotions. Castle = commitment phobia. True. While others used to check their closets and under their beds for the boogie man, I was checking for women in their late 20's to early 30's with a ticking biological clock.
carhill Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 Society has trained us not to express <emotions> Hmm, yeah, I didn't get that memo during socialization and society was indeed a harsh taskmaster. I guess for everything there is a time and it seems that, now that I'm older, society is less harsh and more embracing of an expressive hetero man. Perhaps it's the times changing, IDK. I see more young men who are expressive and they appear to be more accepted. Good for them. 1
KatZee Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 Notice the values difference, guys? Phantom = go with the flow, freely express your emotions. Castle = commitment phobia. I wouldn't call it commitment phobia. It's called being smart. I don't get how ANYONE can love ANYONE after three weeks. Infatuation? Lust? Sure. Real true love? Absolutely not. What do you really know about a person after three weeks? Do you know how they behave if they've had a bad day? Do you even know the negative aspects of their personality? No. All you know is the show they've put on to impress you. Everyone always starts off on their best behavior. But it's when you go through the rough times, it's when things get hard when you can finally see if you love someone. Can you rely on them through thick and thin? Will they be your rock and supportive of you? These aren't things you learn in 3 weeks. In my opinion it's reckless to toss out those words to someone you've known for three weeks. It's irresponsible. Those are HUGE words, and those words are like gold in my eyes. If I'm saying that to someone, you better believe it's because it's true. And I won't tell someone I love them for months. This doesn't make me a commitment phobe. It makes me pretty smart, I think. 4
tbf Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 I wouldn't call it commitment phobia. It's called being smart. I don't get how ANYONE can love ANYONE after three weeks. Infatuation? Lust? Sure. Real true love? Absolutely not. What do you really know about a person after three weeks? Do you know how they behave if they've had a bad day? Do you even know the negative aspects of their personality? No. All you know is the show they've put on to impress you. Everyone always starts off on their best behavior. But it's when you go through the rough times, it's when things get hard when you can finally see if you love someone. Can you rely on them through thick and thin? Will they be your rock and supportive of you? These aren't things you learn in 3 weeks. In my opinion it's reckless to toss out those words to someone you've known for three weeks. It's irresponsible. Those are HUGE words, and those words are like gold in my eyes. If I'm saying that to someone, you better believe it's because it's true. And I won't tell someone I love them for months. This doesn't make me a commitment phobe. It makes me pretty smart, I think.
MrCastle Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 I accept your waving of the white flag. *Bobs head like Will Ferrell*
Ripnet Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 Personally I think talk is cheap for the most part. A lot of people say they love someone yet hurt them somehow. Actions means a lot more, at least for me it does.
tbf Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 I accept your waving of the white flag. *Bobs head like Will Ferrell*You're well aware you're commitment phobic. The other member took it as a generalization which wasn't intended. But if you watch the clip all the way through, you should catch the funny in it.
MrCastle Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 You're well aware you're commitment phobic. I'm not. I am however, smart. And mature. I'm not going to settle down exclusively with a girl I'm not 100% into. That's a waste of time and emotions, for both parties involved. When the girl of my dreams walks into my life I will lock her down. Until then... 2
Shepp Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 How do you train a dog - when it does something good give it praise, when it does something bad tell it off. That's the same way society trains us to do anything - you figure out what works and earns you praise or a longer lasting relationship and you repeat! 1
Sunshine87 Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 When you love someone, your actions will speak for yourself. It's really simple. 1
Author Phantom888 Posted June 18, 2013 Author Posted June 18, 2013 I think it all boils down to how optimistic you feel about the idea of love. I was in an emotionally abusive marriage for 12 years. My divorce costed me well over $500,000. So in theory I should be jaded beyond repair. But I'm not. I believe I can still love the right woman. It has nothing to do with being smart or mature or anything rational. Love is not rational. It makes you act like a nut, and do stupid things. If you try to rationalize love, then it defeats the whole purpose of being in love. If you have to wait for months, and analyze every step of your partner to be sure, then you are turning love into a practical matter. That's not love. That's basically using logic to see how your partner would fit into your life and your future. Nothing loving about that at all. Everyone loves at a different pace. To say you can't possibly love someone in 3 weeks is completely untrue. Yes you would not know how your partner can handle crisis, or how you would react during bad times, but that has nothing to do with love, but rather, situational compatibility. I'm sure I can debate till I'm blue in the face, but the truth of the matter is people can fall in love and stay in love early on. The difference between love and infatuation is that people in love will solve problems together, and they accentuate the positive attributes of each other. Infatuation is purely superficial, and lacks foundation on which to build. Again, it's society's acceptance of non-commitment that creates all the unnecessary drama. Actor Pierce Brosnan received praise when he told the media that after 6 years and 2 children, he is finally in love with the woman in his life. What kind of bull-crap is that? I guess he's real smart for withholding love for that long.
Charlie Harper Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 The weird thing is that even women sometimes get bottled up in their feelings and if you are too emotional they will literally get like "stuck" or freeze. Example the other day I went to a meditation/breathing/yoga Class and after 3 hours I came out very happy energetic and super emotional, so I drove home I called a very close friend of mine and told her after the usual pleasantries ..You know something? "what" I really love you, I am so happy you are my friend and you are a very nice person to me, I wanted to tell you As soon as possible, I did not want to go to sleep or wait till tomorrow to say it to you, I love you (XXXinsert name hereXXX). She was silent, laughed and then said, you are an incredible person you are the sweetest guy I have ever met...and then she went silent, so I changed the subject and that was it.... She avoided me last eek, but she already called and told me I caught her by surprise and apologized !!.... I told her to hear the song "I´d really love to see you tonight", then she would be more comfortable..... called 20 minutes later and told me she loved the song.... LOL Isnt it supposed that Women can handle emotions easier than us Men? BTW here is the song if you want to hear it: original Manilow (better) Barry Manilow I'd Really Love To See You Tonight - YouTube
BluEyeL Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 An alternative could be that she might be turned on by the kinky thoughts of you f****** someone else.
Carenth Posted June 19, 2013 Posted June 19, 2013 (edited) I question what sort of strong foundation you can have after dating someone for 3 weeks, you barely know them. I would still say it is infatuation because it really is superficial at this point. As far as I'm concerned it's pretty naive to be throwing around the word love when you are still getting to know someone. Simply for the fact you don't know who they really are. You are in love with the ideal version of them, reality has a way of taking the varnish off things. I take those words very seriously and I would be quite put off if someone was telling me they loved me after a few weeks. First for me it would come off as seriously insincere, as honestly they don't know who I am at that point. Second I would question their stability or experience with relationships. I understand infatuation is very powerful and a great feeling however it is not love in my opinion, it does fade over time. Edited June 19, 2013 by Carenth
therhythm Posted June 19, 2013 Posted June 19, 2013 Notice the values difference, guys? Phantom = go with the flow, freely express your emotions. Castle = commitment phobia. Well... if you look to the values I think you should exterminate people in a much deeper way than that. I think you should not compare people that way... I have seen posts from both of the guys you are comparing and I honestly prefer someone who does not commit from the very beginning than someone who says easily "I love you" but then write in another thread that using prostitutes is not cheating but therapy and that it saves many marriages...
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