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Turning the corner: Letting go and looking forward instead of backward…

mtnbiker3000

By mtnbiker3000
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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mtnbiker3000 Established Member

mtnbiker3000

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Feel like I am so close to this, but just not there yet. 90 days + NC, but just can't seem to turn the corner. I still spend a lot of unwanted time and energy thinking about her, the RS, the BU, etc… Can't wait until I spend more time thinking about the future rather than the past!!

 

Anyone else feel like this too? Feel like they're super close?

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Hopeinme Established Member

Hopeinme

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I totally relate!!!! I am on holiday currently and instead of fully enjoying myself, i think about the breakup and him for a significant amount of time. Pisses me off, but you know what? As you said, we gave to think forward and be positive. And things will get better, if we help ourselves. It used to be really bad for me, i used to cry all day and get physically weak, but I see the light ahead. We will be fine- slowly but SURELY :) Chins up!! X

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mtnbiker3000 Established Member

mtnbiker3000

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^^ How long are you post BU? NC?

seahawker64 Established Member

seahawker64

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Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. Night's are still hard but the day's are getting easier. I recently lost my job so that is my main focus right now. Kinda a weird thing to take my mind off the BU but it is helping. I do find myself going for stretches without much thought about it because I have other things to think of now.

 

I never responded to her breadcrumb and am almost 3 months or so NC. I fully expect her to pop back up in a bigger way at some point, but then again maybe not. I know it's over in my head but my gut say's otherwise.

 

It's hard for me to say if that means anything. I just keep trying to improve my situation. I'm still not interested in dating and my sex drive is trashed. That is killing me because I know if I could get back into the swing of that, it would help but right now I haven't met anyone that make's me wanna jump in the sack.

 

It's a process and I have come to terms it's going to take awhile. Just have to find your own peace within that notion.

theonlyjuan Established Member

theonlyjuan

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Work on yourself a bit more. Even if it is something minor.

 

I go to the gym and I am going to transform my whole physique and get ripped. Looking forward to the day she sees how well I have coped and what I have achieved. More importantly I will prove something to myself

 

It's great for concentrating your energy on something else. Soon it becomes number 1 priority

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mtnbiker3000 Established Member

mtnbiker3000

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That is killing me because I know if I could get back into the swing of that, it would help but right now I haven't met anyone that make's me wanna jump in the sack.

 

Meh, I think this is not really a good idea anyway at this point. Probably just add the emotional stress and make ya feel worse after feeling better for 1 night. At least that's my take on sex before being completely healed :)

StraylightRun24 Established Member

StraylightRun24

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Meh, I think this is not really a good idea anyway at this point. Probably just add the emotional stress and make ya feel worse after feeling better for 1 night. At least that's my take on sex before being completely healed :)

 

I tend to agree with mtnbiker on here, but that's my personal opinion of course. I hangout with a girl who I could 100% just jump into bed with at the moment, but I only view her as a friend and honestly if I did sleep with her, while I'm sure it would be fun, would only make me miss my ex even more.

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unluckyperson Member

unluckyperson

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Sad to say i feel the same way as you, thinking about my ex but there is no way we are going to get back together again

Chi townD Established Member

Chi townD

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I never had that problem. I always kept my mind on "what can I do next?" Of course, this was always motivated with proving my Ex wrong about her opinion of me. So, different strokes for different folks.

 

So, I guess you should ask yourself, "What can I do next?"

 

Then do it!!!!

Hopeinme Established Member

Hopeinme

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^^ How long are you post BU? NC?

 

We broke up in April. 2 months NC as well :)

Hopeinme Established Member

Hopeinme

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Meh, I think this is not really a good idea anyway at this point. Probably just add the emotional stress and make ya feel worse after feeling better for 1 night. At least that's my take on sex before being completely healed :)

 

Yes, sex only feels right with the person you truly love and I think it is worth the wait ;)

destroyed4sho Established Member

destroyed4sho

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you dont have closure yet. your brain is still processing what happened. I am close but not there yet either, your not alone.

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mtnbiker3000 Established Member

mtnbiker3000

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you dont have closure yet. your brain is still processing what happened. I am close but not there yet either, your not alone.

 

Stupid brain! Wish I could just turn it off for a while :D Man, I hope I am close. Really do!!!

 

D4S - I forget, how long are you post BU? NC? Been a while, right?

Sneaky Established Member

Sneaky

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I have moments at times where I'm totally cool and maybe even get why we broke up and I feel like I'm letting go or I am focused on something else and just not think about her. But it only lasts for such a very short time, every spare thought drifts to my ex and I start picturing a future with her back in my life.

 

I just feel like crap afterwards especially in the evening/nighttime and weekends it gets really bad. Mind I'm nowhere near as far, only just over two weeks of NC.

aloneinaz Established Member

aloneinaz

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I tend to agree with mtnbiker on here, but that's my personal opinion of course. I hangout with a girl who I could 100% just jump into bed with at the moment, but I only view her as a friend and honestly if I did sleep with her, while I'm sure it would be fun, would only make me miss my ex even more.

 

 

You guys must own LOTS of hand lotion, huh!!! LMAO!! :laugh::laugh:

 

Ok, sorry, that wasn't fair.

StraylightRun24 Established Member

StraylightRun24

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Not that much! :o

 

I look at it this way: I've done the random hookup thing when I was in college and it really didn't do much for me. I came to the conclusion that I want to sleep with someone I actually feel a connection with. More so than just the level of, "yea she'd definitely have sex with me and she's a 5. Lets do this!"

 

To each their own though. If jumping into bed, as long as the person you are sleeping with is under the false impression that it might lead to something more that is, helps one get over their ex than I say go for it! Hell I wish I was like that but unfortunately I know I'm not!

 

Oh aloneinaz, quick question! How much does the average STD test run for these days?:D:D (now that was a low blow!)

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L1ght Established Member

L1ght

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A true and positive reading of turning the corner is when you find yourself going about your daily routine whatever it may be then suddenly realising you have gone hours or days even without thinking about your ex. It's all a process and firstly we just have to ride the rollercoaster of emotions after the initial breakup then within the following weeks or months we have to scream and shout about it to get rid of the anger and frustration and only then can we really start to accept the situation. The length of time it takes to accept the situation depends on the intensity of the relationship as well as a persons strength of character and state of mind. You just start living life again without your whole world revolving around them eventually....the sooner people reach this point the quicker the turning point finally arrives.

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aloneinaz Established Member

aloneinaz

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Not that much! :o

 

 

Oh aloneinaz, quick question! How much does the average STD test run for these days?:D:D (now that was a low blow!)

 

:laugh::laugh:

 

I'm just having fun. But, to your argument, HONESTLY, your rationality is WAY off. 98% of people who have sex w/each for the first time are NOT in a loving relationship at that point. Sex almost ALWAYS comes before the relationship gets into a serious, loving point. I'm not into just screwing to screw. If I have interest in someone that I think can progress into a relationship and the opportunity presents itself, I'm not going to say "ya know, I'm not feeling like I really am in a deep, committed relationship with ya yet, so I'm going to pass"...

 

Oh, and too you question, I just had all the STD tests last December and I'm clean. Thank god for condoms! :)

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sporu Member

sporu

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Probably 90+ days here as well (I can't even remember), and I find it hard to move on. I do feel much, much better than a few months ago though. I do not wake up every morning with an overwhelming anxious feeling, I do not cry anymore and I'm trying to get myself on track again. I didn't even think the latter was possible a month or so back.

 

The hardest thing I find to deal with are the moments I'm spending alone. I like being alone, but for some reason my thoughts tend to spiral towards negative things nowadays and especially thoughts connected to the break-up and her in particular. Last night I was laying in bed just thinking about all the things I did wrong and that I just miss her a lot. I thought to myself: it's better if I just let these thoughts consume me for a short time and then call it a night. And so I did.

 

I choose not to ignore these thoughts. They'll be there, no matter what I do, so I just go ahead and confront them. And what do you know? Everytime they come up I feel a bit of sadness, confusion and anger but they are so much less intense than a while back. I'm getting closer every day to not care about all those things but it's just going to take a while. I always have trouble accepting things that are out of my control.

 

The day that I'll turn the corner will definitely come. It's weird for me to write this because I never believed I could move on from this. Just by making the correct steps and decisions for myself and dealing with this by myself and with the help of family and friends I'm able to do it.

 

Mtnbiker, just hang in there a while longer. You have a whole lot more experience in this area and reading your posts made me feel a bit better again because I know I'm not the only one that still finds it hard to deal with the break-up, even after over three months of no contact.

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theonlyjuan Established Member

theonlyjuan

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It helps if you are shallow and self centered. You will concentrate on yourself more.

 

I'm not improving myself in hope to get her back. I am doing it just to show what she is missing out on. I can't think of anything worse than her seeing me in a total mess.

 

Some days I feel a bit rubbish but I know she has made a huge mistake of letting our relationship go too early. I know for a fact she will look back and realize what she and we had. It might not be for years but it will happen

StraylightRun24 Established Member

StraylightRun24

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:laugh::laugh:

 

I'm just having fun. But, to your argument, HONESTLY, your rationality is WAY off. 98% of people who have sex w/each for the first time are NOT in a loving relationship at that point. Sex almost ALWAYS comes before the relationship gets into a serious, loving point. I'm not into just screwing to screw. If I have interest in someone that I think can progress into a relationship and the opportunity presents itself, I'm not going to say "ya know, I'm not feeling like I really am in a deep, committed relationship with ya yet, so I'm going to pass"...

 

Oh, and too you question, I just had all the STD tests last December and I'm clean. Thank god for condoms! :)

 

I know you were alone! Just having a little bit of fun too.

 

I agree with you on your opinion on sex coming before the committed relationship though. I thought we were talking about, "screwing to screw :laugh:" sake.

 

Glad it came back clean. You can never be too safe these days!

BustedUpInside Established Member

BustedUpInside

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Feel like I am so close to this, but just not there yet. 90 days + NC, but just can't seem to turn the corner. I still spend a lot of unwanted time and energy thinking about her, the RS, the BU, etc… Can't wait until I spend more time thinking about the future rather than the past!!

 

Anyone else feel like this too? Feel like they're super close?

 

Yes! I feel like I am almost done with the healing. I was sooo depressed for awhile, but it is better now. I was in denial that it was TRULY over, but it is better now. I used to imagine scenarios where he would come back and tell me the ways in which he had changed, or ways that I would change and then we would get back together, but I don't do that anymore. The only thing I think is keeping me from acceptance is the anger.

 

I am angry at him for ruining my life (not emotionally because that is on me) but financially and keeping me from fulfilling dreams that he let me and encouraged me to believe in.

 

I am also angry that he didn't give me truthful answers and probably never will.

 

I am less angry than I used to be so I am pretty sure it is getting better all the time.

 

The real reason I know I am getting better is because I only come on this site like twice a week now. I feel like I can basically cope on my own now. That's progress, right? :laugh:

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mtnbiker3000 Established Member

mtnbiker3000

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^^^ Nice work!!! Glad to hear you are turning the corner!!

 

For me, I never even entertained ideas of reconciliation or her coming back. Not now or in the beginning. Instead, it's the rejection and the knowledge that we were in such different places, but I chose not to recognize or address it. And how happy we were in the beginning vs. how we were in the end. And, the lack of respect and the general coldness from her. And the idea that she wanted to look for better opportunities. Hmmm, I guess there's still a lot holding me back. But... getting better, slightly. I think?

 

Well, congrats for your victory :D

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BustedUpInside Established Member

BustedUpInside

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That actually sounds a lot better than your early posts. You aren't talking about emotional paradoxes anymore (If someone loves me, how can they leave me, and if they left me, does that mean they never loved me) You know, those kind of lines of thinking that have no answer and just make you feel terrible.

 

Our early posts are littered with them. Neither one of us writes like that anymore. It is mostly just being tired of the healing process and trying to figure out ways to speed it up. That sounds pretty healthy to me.

 

I remember when I broke my leg. The first couple of days the pain was unbearable and I was so upset. Then the pain was still bad and I had to lay on the couch all day so all I did was dwell on how happy everyone else was running around and having fun while I laid around and recovered. Then it didn't really hurt anymore and I could move around a little, but it itched all the time. All I could think about was how much it itched and how it felt like it would never be better.

 

Finally, I just wished the cast would come off. I was tired of wearing it and I felt like my leg was strong. I just wanted to walk around like a normal person (I think this is where you and I are at). I was scared to get the cast off because what if I only thought my leg was strong and I ended up getting hurt again, but eventually it was time for me to start walking without the support.

 

Today, I only think about my broken leg sometimes. When the weather changes abruptly or if I hit my shin in a certain spot, my leg will ache. It makes me remember the summer I had to recover and how much my leg hurt, but as time goes by it is more like a memory of a memory. I can remember what I felt, but not how I felt, if that makes sense.

 

I think that this is going to be like that. Probably for you too. See, you really are almost there :)

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mtnbiker3000 Established Member

mtnbiker3000

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BUI - Hahaha. Yeah, I should go back and read some of the drivel I've spewed over the last 4 months. Geeez, only 700 posts. I guess I have been really getting my value out of LS. It does really help :D

 

Still up and down, but overall probably progressing more than I realize. I am sleeping and eating better :p

 

Still though, sometimes (not entire days) I feel really, really bad. But as I mentioned it's the rejection, loss and other feelings associated with losing her that bother me. Not that she's not coming back. I actually think that notion makes me feel better somehow?!?!

 

Just wish I had more support here. It's very difficult going at this mostly alone. No good friends or family around. Some acquaintances, a great therapist and LS. That's it. Probably why so many posts :)

 

Well, keep on keepin' on, I guess...

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