babybear Posted October 13, 2004 Posted October 13, 2004 I love my boyfriend, but he loves VIDEO GAMES! We're both 24 yrs old and college grads. He works and I am working part time and applying to graduate school. We don't technically live together, although he's over almost every nite...so we do see ALOT of one another. I like to set aside some time every day where we dont have the TV on, and aren't sitting in front of laptops, just to TALK. I just want to vent and gossip, and converse with him. But he would rather come home, turn on the laptop or playstation, and play games for hours. He says he's tired and he doesn't have to be talking to me to enjoy being with me. I tell him he's neglectful, to which he replies that I am needy. Now, I know myself, and have NEVER been described as anything other than pretty damn independent! Sometimes I'll say something and be greeted by ..... silence. He can be SO into his computer he won't even hear me, which makes me feel like I am in a room by myself. Am I supposed to be SO comfortable with him that I don't need to talk to him? And last nite, we get into bed, which is one of my favorite times b/c we chat before falling asleep. He gets out his iPod, puts his headphones in, and says he wants to listen to a book he has on there. I flipped out! He needed to be in silence then too??? Anyway, so I said that if he wasn't giving me what I needed emotionally, he wasn't going to get what he needs physically. So, I rolled over and told him that he didn't need to cuddle me or have sex with me. According to his logic it was enough to just have me in the same bed. Fair is fair, right? He's really otherwise a wonderful person. Good to me, good to my family, and very dependable. But what is this video game addiction about? And do most guys hate talking??? Is this what happens after being with someone for a couple years? Babybear
faux Posted October 13, 2004 Posted October 13, 2004 It is perfectly acceptable for your boyfriend to have his own private time. If he feels comfortable enough with you around, then it is perfectly acceptable for him to read a book quietly in a chair near you, to listen to some music, or to perhaps have a small snack in the kitchen alone. Married couples, or persons who live together, do not have to speak with each other every moment of ever day. When you are in a relationship with another person, it is still OK to have private time. I saw my girlfriend this past weekend, and the both of us spent some time doing "alone" activities in dorm room. I wanted to work on my laptop, and she wanted to do some drawing. We do not see this as a big deal, because we are still spending time with one another. Sometimes I do just want to waste time on the internet, read a book, do some writing, or watch television when I am in the presence of others. I do this all the time with my own family, and my father and sister still know that I love them. If your boyfriend is spending so much time around you and with you, maybe he is simply adjusting, and finding some time to be independent while he is in your presence. If this bothers you, perhaps you should suggest that you see one another less. This way, when you do spend time together, you will do more to directly interact. I do not think it is wise to expect that your boyfriend will focus all of his attention on you, all of the time, even if he is living with you or in the same room as you are.
kiwi29f Posted October 13, 2004 Posted October 13, 2004 I think video games is a man thing, my husband plays the ps2 all the time. I enjoy playing sometimes too but not all the time. Try finding a game that you would also like to play that way you can at least play together.
christinaIUP Posted October 13, 2004 Posted October 13, 2004 I totally understand how you feel! When I was in college I was in a 2yr relationship with a guy who was addicted to video games. It came to the point where he made me feel that he would rather be playing those games then spending time with me. I eventually ended up going out without him more and not spending as much time with him. He got the hint and vowed that he would cut back and he never did. We did eventually break up. Now Im in a three year relationship with a guy with similar issues. He doesnt play video games(thank god) but he is addicted to the TV. With him and the TV, you cannot have a conversation with him while he is watching, its like talking to a brick wall, I get no response. So after a while I just dont try to start conversations with him while hes watching. (I wait till the commercials!!) Sometimes, we'll be getting ready to go out, and the TV is on and we have to meet some friends at 9. He is stuck in front of it, watching it like there is no tomorrow, and I have to say "C'mon, we are leaving right now" and turn it off. If I didnt do that, he would more than likely not go out, or not show up till like 11 to meet his friends. If I want to talk, or spend time with him without the TV, I have to tell him. You have to really make it clear to him that you are uncomfortable with him making the "electronics" more of a priority than you. Unfortunately, when you have been in a realtionship for a longer period of time, sometimes your SO gets too comfortable with things and doesnt feel the need to try to "keep you" or he takes you for granted. When I come home for work, I want to ask my BF how his day was, what he did, ect. If I didnt have these conversations with him, I really dont think that he would care. It is my experience that some guys just arent "talkers". Its more than likely the girl who enjoys conversing more so than the guy. Again that is just my experience. And I understand that people in relationships need to do different things, but when it gets to the point where the SO is spending the majority of the time he/she has with you not paying much attention to you, then I think there is reason to be upset. As far as your situation, where are the playstation, the computer games, ect. at? Are they at your place? If so, I would tell him to get those games out of your place. You dont like to play them and that when he comes over he plays the games and he ignores you. If he wants to play the games tell him to play them at home and when he wants to see you, then to just come over without them. More than likely he would rather spend time with you than play games alone at his place.
abbyroadme Posted October 13, 2004 Posted October 13, 2004 My boyfriend is the same way when it comes to video games. It must be a guy thing. I just let him play the game, but sometimes I have distracted him to turn it off and be with me. He does, but then goes back to the game.....oh well!
MadKurlz Posted October 13, 2004 Posted October 13, 2004 when a woman nags, he tunes you out. But when you speak with your actions, he pays attention. He'll tune you out and wont tune yo back in until the nagging is over. he wont hear a word you say. Since a man doesnt discuss feelings as a woman does, anything past the second repition seems like nagging. and whenever you nag, he'll behave like a stuborn teenager.
Majik45 Posted October 13, 2004 Posted October 13, 2004 Video games is definitely a guy thing. It's a hobby, a way to relax and get our mind off of things. A lot of guys don't like talking, or conversing, or gossiping that much. That's why we don't talk on the phone all the time and what not. I don't know what to tell you exactly. I would hope if you had a conversation about this, he would try to make an effort to change a little, but I wouldn't expect to much. If you really enjoy reading, or talking on the phone to your girl friends, would you want the guy to ask you give those things up? Just offering a guy's take on the subject.
Adunaphel Posted October 13, 2004 Posted October 13, 2004 babybear, how much conversation do you have daily? If you see each other this much, and you still talk/gossip/do things together for a reasonable amount of time, I think it's not that bad. Also, it's videogames, not porn. (I think that if it was porn, I'd be calling your bf an insensitive ******* right now ) While he is playing video games you could read a book, watch tv, call a friend on the phone, surf the net. As someone else suggested, you could see each other a little less, you could use the spare time to hang out with your friends or to do something you like on your own. On the other hand if he is basically ignoring you all the time you spend together except when he wants to have sex....you should absolutely discuss this with him, find out what the *real* problem is and possibly try to find a compromise or a solution.
Author babybear Posted October 13, 2004 Author Posted October 13, 2004 Thx for all your input, it's good to have the male and female viewpoints on this! I totally understand his wanting to relax at my house. And I don't have a problem with him doing his own thing at all. It's not like I sit and stare at him playing games without a thing to do. It's more that he becomes oblivious to EVERYTHING when he starts playing these things, and he stops hearing what is going on around him, and basically stops functioning! Like, I can be all dressed and ready to go out, and I will stand by the door asking him very nicely if he's ready yet, and telling him that I'm ready and that we should leave soon. Eventually, I get tired of asking, and waiting, so I will just leave, after which he comes running after me at full speed. And it's odd that he doesn't hear me asking him if he's ready, but he'll drop the laptop the moment I reach the breaking point. It disrupts the harmony of our relationship...to me, at least. He thinks we're headed down the aisle though...but I can't marry a video game addict! Basically, I just want to feel like I come before the video game, and that I don't have to compete with a machine! If he just looked up from the monitor every hour, I would be so content! It is a little hurtful that I know everything that is going on with him b/c I ask, and I listen when he talks, but he doesn't know a lot of things that go on in my day b/c he doesnt take the time to find out, b/c he'd rather shoot ppl to death in video games!!! I almost want to laugh. I guess my bf could have worse problems tho. Bb
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