youngnlove89 Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 My boyfriend is a detention officer at a prison. Besides his hours being horrible, I'm also worried about his well-being. He comes home physically and mentally stressed and often moody. I can usually turn around his mood and make him happy, but I'm worried that in the long run it won't be that easy. He will sometimes tell me he needs time alone to decompress and snap out of his mood and he often tells me his night was horrible and rarely wants to talk about it. I also notice him being very weary of the public. He often examines his surroundings very diligently and doesn't trust many people. I can only imagine that he is faced with threats, insults and even the idea that one day a riot could breakout and his life would be in danger. I am also scared for his safety as I know he is cautious of it. He has shared some stories with me regarding the inmates he faces every day. I'm appalled to say the least at the lack of morality of these despicable human beings. It's disgusting the things they do involving human feces and such. And also just the fact that they are in prison for murder, rape and other horrible crimes. I can't imagine having to spend 1/3 of your life in this career. But hey, it's choice he knew he was making. For those of you whose partner is in law enforcement, whether it may be a police officer, detective or corrections, how have you dealt with it? Did you notice a difference in your partner over the years? Were they often stressed, depressed and moody? Did it effect your relationship?
germain Posted June 20, 2013 Posted June 20, 2013 How long have you guys been together? Perhaps it's something else not related to the job causing his stress. Or maybe that is just how he is? I personally enjoy relaxing alone for a bit when I get home, but I'm fairly introverted. My girlfriend is extroverted and doesn't really understand this about me. It's actually sort of a problem lol Anyway any sort of job can take a lot out of a person, especially if it's something they're doing just to get by. I work in law enforcement, and while I enjoy my time alone and am generally cynical, not everyone I work with is this way. So is it really the job? Talk with him about it. That you've noticed a change or his mood, etc... 1
hppr Posted June 20, 2013 Posted June 20, 2013 A friend of mine is a sheriff's deputy at a county jail and he loves his work. For him it's all fun and games, he's good natured, treats the inmates with respect (and they in turn respect him), nothing bad ever happens etc. His prison gets plenty of overflow from bigger ones so they have rapists, murderers etc on hand but it doesn't really bother him. Guys like this can be cops all day long and not lose their minds over it. Other guys can't. The job gets to them. They think everyone is scum out to get them, that they have to be on their toes everywhere etc. Really, I wouldn't hang out with a guy like that the 2nd category, much less date him. He's only going to get worse and by the time he's 50 his emotions will be totally gone. 2
Author youngnlove89 Posted June 20, 2013 Author Posted June 20, 2013 How long have you guys been together? Perhaps it's something else not related to the job causing his stress. Or maybe that is just how he is? I personally enjoy relaxing alone for a bit when I get home, but I'm fairly introverted. My girlfriend is extroverted and doesn't really understand this about me. It's actually sort of a problem lol Anyway any sort of job can take a lot out of a person, especially if it's something they're doing just to get by. I work in law enforcement, and while I enjoy my time alone and am generally cynical, not everyone I work with is this way. So is it really the job? Talk with him about it. That you've noticed a change or his mood, etc... We have been together for 2 years. And he's been doing this job for over 2 years. So it's all I know him as. He used to work at another prison as a CO, but then got a better job as a DO at another prison just a few months ago. Since he got this job, it seems like he is more stressed. But he is also working a TON of over time too. He enjoys his alone time more and I've noticed that he started hanging out with the guys he works with more than is other friends with normal jobs. I'm assuming because they understand what he is going through because they have the same job. Every time I ask him how work was, he replies "it was standard" which means stressful and not fun. And he NEVER wants to talk about it. If he does, he gets angry and frustrated. I remember how he used to be more open about his other job when he was a CO, now at this new job he is more closed off.
Author youngnlove89 Posted June 20, 2013 Author Posted June 20, 2013 A friend of mine is a sheriff's deputy at a county jail and he loves his work. For him it's all fun and games, he's good natured, treats the inmates with respect (and they in turn respect him), nothing bad ever happens etc. His prison gets plenty of overflow from bigger ones so they have rapists, murderers etc on hand but it doesn't really bother him. Guys like this can be cops all day long and not lose their minds over it. Other guys can't. The job gets to them. They think everyone is scum out to get them, that they have to be on their toes everywhere etc. Really, I wouldn't hang out with a guy like that the 2nd category, much less date him. He's only going to get worse and by the time he's 50 his emotions will be totally gone. Isn't a country jail and prison entirely different? He told me feels very alone. I don't know what stems from this. I know that ever since I've been raped, his personality has changed. But I don't know if it was because of my rape or his new job. Both happened at the same time. He is pretty good at separating the two once I hang out with him. It takes him some time to unwind, but once I get it off his mind, he is fine. And back to normal. But when I'm not around, he becomes closed off and introverted. Almost depressed.
Emilia Posted June 20, 2013 Posted June 20, 2013 While a transitioning period is very difficult until someone gets used to a job like this, there is a good chance that he will never learn how not to take work home.
hppr Posted June 20, 2013 Posted June 20, 2013 Isn't a country jail and prison entirely different? The way it works is that if someone is arrested or sentenced to less than a year they will do county time. So misdemeanors but also assaults and parole violations. If they are more than a year sometimes they will do time in both county and big prisons. So a guy sentence to say 5 years for something bad could do a year in county and 2 in prison if overcrowded. So even a rural county jail and get guys from big ugly prisons. If he doesn't like his posting he should see about lateraling to a different jail or going in a different part of law enforcement entirely. He could be a guard at a small county jail then a sheriff's deputy on patrol, or a small town cop, then go to one of those working colleges, get a 4yr CJ degree and become a parole officer or something. There are many avenues with gov't service once you get your foot in the door and he doesn't have to work at the big bad prison his whole life if he doesn't want to.
hppr Posted June 20, 2013 Posted June 20, 2013 While a transitioning period is very difficult until someone gets used to a job like this, there is a good chance that he will never learn how not to take work home. Like I said earlier some guys are bothered by it and some aren't. Obviously he can't handle it, and if he's a young guy already hating his job doing it for 20 years won't be any more fun. If he wants to stay a LEO he needs to lateral someplace else before he goes nuts. 1
tman666 Posted June 20, 2013 Posted June 20, 2013 It's pretty well known that people who work in high stress jobs (military, police officers, EMTs, firefighters, etc.) have higher rates of depression, divorce, alcohol abuse, etc... That doesn't mean you should not date him or love him just the same. Communicate with him what your thoughts and worries are. It's up to HIM to reach out to the resources he needs in order to mitigate this. The "suck it up" culture that persists, even now, in these types of jobs doesn't help anything. All in all, I don't think that job-related stress should be a free pass for making a poor showing as a partner in a relationship. There are likely resources available to him to be able to help address his issues. If all else fails, he needs to decide whether or not holding that job is worth the spill over effects in his relationship with you/other loved ones. Just my $.02. 3
Author youngnlove89 Posted June 20, 2013 Author Posted June 20, 2013 Like I said earlier some guys are bothered by it and some aren't. Obviously he can't handle it, and if he's a young guy already hating his job doing it for 20 years won't be any more fun. If he wants to stay a LEO he needs to lateral someplace else before he goes nuts. I don't know if he can't handle it per say. I just know he seems stressed and upset a lot of the time. Maybe that is him not handling it correctly. He does plan to do this for 20 years, but then he was talking about being a Firefighter, as that is his dream. Unfortunately, he doesn't have time/money to go to the academy. His dreams were crushed and now is faced to stick with what he is doing. When I try to communicate with him about his job or how his day was he shuts off and never wants to talk about it. Maybe he thinks I can't handle it? Does that mean he hates his job? I don't know, maybe not. Maybe it does.
Author youngnlove89 Posted June 20, 2013 Author Posted June 20, 2013 It's pretty well known that people who work in high stress jobs (military, police officers, EMTs, firefighters, etc.) have higher rates of depression, divorce, alcohol abuse, etc... That doesn't mean you should not date him or love him just the same. Communicate with him what your thoughts and worries are. It's up to HIM to reach out to the resources he needs in order to mitigate this. The "suck it up" culture that persists, even now, in these types of jobs doesn't help anything. All in all, I don't think that job-related stress should be a free pass for making a poor showing as a partner in a relationship. There are likely resources available to him to be able to help address his issues. If all else fails, he needs to decide whether or not holding that job is worth the spill over effects in his relationship with you/other loved ones. Just my $.02. That's not even an option. I'm sticking through it. Just looking for insight on how to help him and make him happy. I'm just trying to find the right words to say when communicating with him about his career. I don't want to make him uncomfortable or stressed. I want him to know he can talk to me about his stressed and I'm here to listen and help resolve.
tman666 Posted June 20, 2013 Posted June 20, 2013 That's not even an option. I'm sticking through it. Just looking for insight on how to help him and make him happy. I'm just trying to find the right words to say when communicating with him about his career. I don't want to make him uncomfortable or stressed. I want him to know he can talk to me about his stressed and I'm here to listen and help resolve. I think that you offering to be a sympathetic ear is great, but sometimes these kinds of issues are resolved better through therapy or through a support group of his peers/people in similar positions. A lot of guys have trouble really opening up to their women. While it might be silly, I think this stems from the inherent fear we have of appearing "weak" in front of you. I think the best thing you can do is to listen to him (which it sounds like you're doing well), encourage him to seek advice/commiseration from people in similar positions, and continue to communicate how YOU are feeling to him. My opinion is that you shouldn't have to sacrifice your own happiness and well being as requisite to "being a good, supportive girlfriend". That's why I think it's very important that you let him know your own fears and feelings regarding his behaviors/moods. He needs to know that, in order to keep you happy and be a good partner in the long term, he will need to find a way to deal with this in one way or the other. 1
GI_Joy Posted June 20, 2013 Posted June 20, 2013 Communication, communication, communication. And space. And just being a listening ear/being there for him. My boyfriend wasn't in corrections but he is a combat vet who has had pretty traumatic experiences when he was deployed. He has PTSD and depression. One thing servicemembers and law enforcement officers have in common is the feeling that we wouldn't be able to understand the feelings they feel, the things they go through. That, to a certain extent, is true. We aren't in their shoes when they experience these stressful situations, so it's almost an insult for us to talk to them as if we know what's wrong with them. Patience and presence seems to help best, is what I've seen. This past memorial Day my boyfriend was going through a lot of anxiety and depression as he had flashbacks to some of his worst days when he was serving, he was basically stuck in his own negative thoughts and I didn't know what to do. I asked him directly what he wanted from me, as I was going to be there for him regardless. He told me he was embarrassed that I was seeing him in this manner, he wanted to isolate himself. But I decided to go to him and just be there with him that whole evening. The last thing he wanted to do was talk about it, so I just laid there with him, holding him. That in itself made him feel a lot better.
Author youngnlove89 Posted June 20, 2013 Author Posted June 20, 2013 Communication, communication, communication. And space. And just being a listening ear/being there for him. My boyfriend wasn't in corrections but he is a combat vet who has had pretty traumatic experiences when he was deployed. He has PTSD and depression. One thing servicemembers and law enforcement officers have in common is the feeling that we wouldn't be able to understand the feelings they feel, the things they go through. That, to a certain extent, is true. We aren't in their shoes when they experience these stressful situations, so it's almost an insult for us to talk to them as if we know what's wrong with them. Patience and presence seems to help best, is what I've seen. This past memorial Day my boyfriend was going through a lot of anxiety and depression as he had flashbacks to some of his worst days when he was serving, he was basically stuck in his own negative thoughts and I didn't know what to do. I asked him directly what he wanted from me, as I was going to be there for him regardless. He told me he was embarrassed that I was seeing him in this manner, he wanted to isolate himself. But I decided to go to him and just be there with him that whole evening. The last thing he wanted to do was talk about it, so I just laid there with him, holding him. That in itself made him feel a lot better. Aww. How sad for him. He probably really enjoyed you just being there for him. I went over to my boyfriends house one day, he was upset and just not in a good mood from work. I was there to listen and let him vent if he needed to. We watched a movie, cuddled and I just gave him a massage and showed him my love. The next day he texted me "Thanks for putting me in a better mood last night" I guess all we can do is be there to support them. 1
Feelin Frisky Posted June 20, 2013 Posted June 20, 2013 The way I look at it is that it doesn't matter all that much that one is on the outside of the bars--they are still in prison all the time. And there is no way that doesn't shape what a person thinks and how they feel. It's even true with police who don't spending all their time mind the lock up. That culture changes even the nicest guys. My brother retired as a sergeant and was changed. He was always a pussy cat. Now he is a hard-hearted republican with paranoid views of everything. A close friend also did 20 years and retired as a sergeant. Yep, republican. You don't want to be around when they talk shop. It's all bravado and "us versus them". It takes a special tolerance by a woman to overlook that kind of stuff.
Ripnet Posted June 20, 2013 Posted June 20, 2013 Aww. How sad for him. He probably really enjoyed you just being there for him. I went over to my boyfriends house one day, he was upset and just not in a good mood from work. I was there to listen and let him vent if he needed to. We watched a movie, cuddled and I just gave him a massage and showed him my love. The next day he texted me "Thanks for putting me in a better mood last night" I guess all we can do is be there to support them. You're a great girlfriend to your boyfriend, he is lucky to have you. Maybe you can get him into meditation, it can reduce the stress and meditation. There should be a local Zen centre near you which you can go to. Meditation should be done daily though which can be very effective. And usually in the summer time they have meditate retreats where people meditate over a course of few days to a few weeks. The nice is that you don't need to talk about it there. It's a process of letting go of things. Before you make any judgement give it a try for at least a week, maybe you guys can do it as a couple. 1
Star Gazer Posted June 20, 2013 Posted June 20, 2013 You two have broken up tons and tons of times in the 2 years you've been together. He will only get "harder" with time on the job; I've seen it. Corrections is the worst of the worst in terms of seeing the negative side of humanity. Why did he choose that field?
Star Gazer Posted June 20, 2013 Posted June 20, 2013 We have been together for 2 years. Cumulatively, but not without many breaks. Right?
Author youngnlove89 Posted June 20, 2013 Author Posted June 20, 2013 Cumulatively, but not without many breaks. Right? 2 years altogether, it's really been 2 and half years since we started dating. BUT this is off topic. He will only get "harder" with time on the job; I've seen it. Corrections is the worst of the worst in terms of seeing the negative side of humanity. Why did he choose that field? Nonetheless, I will stick by his side. He chose this field because it's what he wants to do. I know he isn't happy with it right now, but there isn't much options at the time being. He tried for Police Officer or Firefighter, both didn't work out. He is still trying to be a PO. But it's a process.
hppr Posted June 21, 2013 Posted June 21, 2013 Tell him to stick it out til he can lateral or be a PO or something it's his best option. Really it is all about his outlook and attitude, some guys enjoy that work and others don't.
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