sarahfort Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 We're at the age and a few years into our relationship where thinking/discussing the future would be considered normal if not expected. I never press that topic because I know he hates thinking too much about the future, in regards to anything. He is fantastic. His job is very demanding and stressful and lately I have made the mistake of not giving him any space of his own. We do not live together but we see each other every night at least for bed. Lately he has seemed out of sorts.I asked him if he as happy and he said he was confused and he didnt know what he wanted. We talked and talked and he finally came out and said he wasnt' sure if he could see me in his life down the line a few years . Most hurtful thing I think i've ever been told especially since I saw everything with him. This went down this morning. He went on a day trip with a friend, and has already texted me that he misses me already and doesnt think this is what he wants either. I explained that a relationship is giving and taking, and takes 2 people to make it work, break it apart, and to fix it. Its not a fairy tale. You don't leave when things seem confusing or work becomes stressful and takes its toll on the relationship. If you really honestly love that someone you do what it takes, and it does take work. I explained to him my thoughts. He wants to try. I can't be sure if he meant what he said about the future. I love him so much, but I don't want to be with him if he's never going to be as happy as I feel about him . Looking for some good old fashioned support, advice, or experiences. Sometimes it takes love, but as you get older it is about more than that - a partner. A friend.
BluEyeL Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 I'm sorry, I don't mean to hurt you, but you'd be better off recognizing that this man, doesn't love you anymore. What you are trying to do is convince him to love you. You'll just prolong the relationship and waste more of your years. I don't know how old you are, but if you want to get married and have children some day, and not end up 40, childless and alone, I'd let this man go, as hard as it is. Have a talk with yourself and recognize these things. Letting him go is also the only way to have him back for the right reasons. If you let him go and he comes back realizing that he actually loves you, you'll have him for the right reasons. Begging and explaining will not do anything other than drive him away emotionally.
Southern Cal Dude Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 These things don't come out of no where. Doesn't mean you did anything, but you certainly overlooked signs that weren't mentioned here.
Balzac Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 You don't leave when things seem confusing or work becomes stressful and takes its toll on the relationship. Actually, I think career demands are frequently the reason of relationship demise. Some careers demand that a client/patient interest be confidential and above others needs. Many romantic partners cannot fully appreciate this sacrifice until "living it". Just my experience.
MidwestUSA Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 These things don't come out of no where. Doesn't mean you did anything, but you certainly overlooked signs that weren't mentioned here. Agree with this. I'm so sorry it has come to this for you, but I read back through your threads on porn, white lies, etc. It's been coming. In addition, it seems your guy is a workaholic, FWIW. He just may not be at a stage in life where he is ready to settle down, or even continue this relationship to see where it goes. Stay busy, take care of yourself, and don't pressure him. Best of luck to you.
Balzac Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 lately I have made the mistake of not giving him any space of his own. This is not a fatal flaw in you but likely an indicator of your needs ranking in any relationship you're in. Often the better part of valor in a guy is accepting that your valid needs are incompatible with his career demands. It's not something you're very likely to change about who you are. It's not a negative about you, it's just a fact.
Mack05 Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 (edited) Sarah. Think of when you were growing up. You picture your dream man, where you might live. The jobs you might have, the house, cars, the holidays, the kids etc etc. Does anywhere in this dream does the guy say "I'm not sure if I see you in my life in a few years down the line"? How many married couples have ever uttered those words to each other before getting married and if they did how many are still together? With one statement he has destroyed so much trust in your relationship. This will always be in the back of your mind. When he is having weekends away, stress from work, general bad moods. Your heart wants you to believe that Love is a fight and sometimes you say hurtful things to one another. Your heart is making excuses for his behaviour because you Love him and don't want him to leave. Sure hurtful things can be said in a relationship, but I've never known any solid couple (and I know many) to ever threaten the relationship security like this. When you threaten to leave it usually means that you want to leave, but don't have ther balls to go through with it or your beginning to plant seeds in your partners mind for your impending departure. Sometimes weak men get cold feet. They will blame stress and work and everything in between. They will claim that they didn't mean it. But the harsh truth is, you don't say these things like this without there being something behind it. If you value youself highly you will leave and find something better. You will choose short term pain and long term happiness over vice versa. Two things will happen if you leave. He will either let you go and therefore you know you have done the right thing OR he will come crawling back with his tail between his legs. If he does that I would think long and hard about my next move. Why? because with that one statement he just took one giant %^^ all over your relationship. 'Sorry' can solve some things in a relationship, statements like that destroy the security and trust of a bond.. You deserve someone who would NEVER utters those words no matter how hard things got. Anything else you are settling with second best. I wish you well. Edited June 18, 2013 by Mack05 2
Author sarahfort Posted June 18, 2013 Author Posted June 18, 2013 I just don't understand how 95% of the time he is loving and caring, tells me I am the love of his life. I know he's been extremely flustered with his work load, and I certainly haven't been helping him feel like he has space lately. I think I've unintentionally made him feel as thought he doesn't have his own life anymore. I see this now, and I could probably benefit from a little more "me" time. He said what he said - and it hurt. And I didnt nag him, I told him I wanted him to be happy, and not to stay with me because he feels bad. he went away for a few hours and I think he's panicking right now over what he's done.
Author sarahfort Posted June 18, 2013 Author Posted June 18, 2013 Do I hear him out? Listen to what he has to say? I love him very much and Im not going to be selfish with him, I really want him to be happy. As much as i'd like to be making him happy, if I can't anymore then I will accept that as well.
RangerJeremiah Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 Do not contact, let him come to u. Make him realize how stupid that was to say. 1
inaya42 Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 i am not sure if you should break up the relationship or not. i definitely think it is time to pull away from it, to focus on yourself, to try to come up with alternate visions for your future. your relationship may be ending soon, and your bf has given you a heads-up. (btw, his mixed signals are designed to keep you in place while he makes a firm decision.) this is NOT the time to cater to him and his anxieties or to go into fixing mode. it is time to take care of you. i hope this helps. 3
Mack05 Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 (edited) Do I hear him out? Listen to what he has to say? I love him very much and Im not going to be selfish with him, I really want him to be happy. As much as i'd like to be making him happy, if I can't anymore then I will accept that as well. Hmmm I just had a quick read of some of your older threads. Ok you are not going to like this. You are very clingy Sarah. Come across as needy and insecure. You wonder will he miss you, as much as you miss him when he goes away. You check his computer, iphone. If it were me, this kind of behaviour would suffocate me. It seems you are relying way to much on this guy for your happiness and you don't entirely trust him. If things are going well in a healthy relationship, trust and security are two way and seamless. It seems you have neither trust or security when it comes to this guy.. He tells you (it seems) quite a few white lies (and thats from what you know, what about the things you don't?). This is not a 'healthy' union from what I am reading. Looks to me to be two emotionally immature people who don't communicate at all well. I think (and I am guessing here) that your behaviour has slowly pushed him away. I think he is confused but is slowly heading towards the exit door. I think you need to sit down and have a genuine heart to heart. I got to be honest though the warning signs don't look good..Lots of red flags here.. Edited June 18, 2013 by Mack05 4
KatZee Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 Agree with this. I'm so sorry it has come to this for you, but I read back through your threads on porn, white lies, etc. It's been coming. In addition, it seems your guy is a workaholic, FWIW. He just may not be at a stage in life where he is ready to settle down, or even continue this relationship to see where it goes. Stay busy, take care of yourself, and don't pressure him. Best of luck to you. ^^ big red flags here. My ex pulled this same stunt with me. We were together 3 years when "out of no where" he pulls the "I'm not sure you're what I want anymore, I used to see a future with you, now I don't. But I love you so much and don't want to throw what we have away." It was a huge contradiction. You either see a future with me, or you don't and we break up. Anyway, I said the exact same thing you said to your guy. "It takes two. It takes work, it takes compromise, it takes effort from both of us." And essentially I "convinced" him to stay, just like you've convinced yours to stay. It's not real. Listen to what he's saying. He's not in love with you anymore. My ex played this game twice, and on the third and final time we did this dance, he finally broke up with me. I too ignored the red flags, he was pulling away emotionally, he was definitely a workaholic, saying he never had time to even do a date night once a week. He was just a mess. He had no clue who he was, what he wanted, and it affected the relationship to the point where he just completely detached. I wish I would have pulled the plug the first time he said this to me, because my life was torture for about 9 months. Me bending over backwards kissing his a.ss trying to make him so happy, and him... doing absolutely nothing. It was obvious the relationship was dead to him, he didn't put any effort, couldn't even be bothered enough to care. Watch his actions from this point forward, but my guess is that he's got one foot out the door already and this is all just a show because he feels guilt or pity.
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