xyz1234 Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 I'm just really confused at this point and looking for advice. For starters, I'm 26 and a virgin. The reason for this is I've been very shy with girls in the past and was kind of late in becoming interested in girls (really didn't care to have them as more than friends in high school, probably mostly because it was a small school and I had known all of them since we were kids and I just found it weird). In college I had some social anxiety issues I guess, really didn't open up and connect to people as much as I should have my freshman year. Then when most of my closer friends (not all that close) transferred after freshman year and the guy I was supposed to room with switched to a different building I was left in a dorm by myself. I kind of became reclusive because I felt like I didn't really know anyone, especially after the Summer coming back to school with most friends having transferred. So I basically had the college experience of someone who commutes where I didn't really socialize with anyone outside of class. I hung out with friends from other colleges sometimes and had chances with girls but I was still pretty shy about the whole thing and even when I casually dated a girl for a little while we never had sex (I ended up going for it one drunk night but told her I was a virgin and she called me a joke haha, so that didn't happen). I've had other opportunities but it never felt right I guess. I think I waited so long that I kind of became a prude almost and made it a bigger deal than it was. It's funny because none of my friends know this about me since they've been around and aware of what I was doing when I have done some of the little I have with girls. With that said, I started online dating a couple years ago (I started out very slowly and never actually went on a date until about a year ago) but I've been having a kind of rough time lately and kind of stressing. Like I said, I'm feeling terrified of commitment because I've had so little dating/sexual experience. I'm going into things kind of hoping I don't meet a girl that's all that great because it's not the right time for me to settle down with someone, but I'm getting to a point where I feel like most girls my age are wanting to move in that direction. I also don't want to be sleazy and just sleep with random girls. So I'm stuck in this middle ground where I kind of want a relationship, but I want it to be kind of short so I can fit a bunch in a small amount of time, haha. But I recently found out that I can kind of fall for a girl quickly and get hurt, which I didn't think would be the case with my mindset. I guess most of the pain was more with how it ended than anything, and the fact that every time I fail now I remain a virgin and creep closer to "40 year old virgin" status haha. Here's the short story of how it ended: after a few dates girl tells me she waits until she's in a relationship for sex... 3 days later she ends it because I "wasn't sexually aggressive enough." For real... this is my life. So I'm still doing the online dating thing but so confused as to what I even want. I know most people will say that I should just let what happens happen, but it honestly is like I'm a 15 year old when it comes to relationship experience. I've mostly dated girls who are younger than me and they are still significantly more experience than I am, so that's pretty embarrassing. There are a couple girls who are a few years older than me who I'm very attracted to that want to "meet me" online but I haven't sent a message yet because they have even more of the experience that I lack and are probably closer to wanting to settle down than the younger ones. But I'm finding that the younger ones are mostly nuts in my experience and play mind games, and the older ones may be beyond that childish crap. So long story short, I feel like I need short relationships where no one gets hurt yet it's not one-night-stand type stuff. Friends with benefits seems like an ideal situation (as much as I hear that it never works), but I doubt that would ever happen. Plus I'm still living with my parents (for legit reasons, I have a 15 minute commute to work which will be longer once I move to the city, I've been saving to buy a condo instead of renting, and I'm actually working on finding a condo now) so that doesn't help my chances of getting laid. I feel terrible dating girls who are probably looking for a more serious relationship than I am, but at the same time I don't want to date slutty girls and end up getting diseases after waiting so long for sex haha. I guess the good news is I have a kind of built in way for girls I date to not get attached... if I ever have sex I'll be horrible at it for a guy my age and I'll get dropped instantly. But that will feel like crap and hurt my self esteem, plus I'll never get good at it haha. As you can see I've over thought all of this, but if anyone has any words of advice I'd appreciate it! Thanks!
jf2good Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 Since you don't seem to have a strong attraction to girls, did you ever consider you might be gay and don't realize it? Of course the younger girls are nuts and play mind games, but do you want to get laid or not? There are lots of older women who want a younger toy boy but is that what you want? Seem like you complain about being a virgin but aren't willing to do what it takes to loose the virginity. There is no such thing as a relationship where no one gets hurt, lies told to you. Someone always get hurt or their wasn't a relationship to begin with. Another lie about being good at sex, everyone wants something different when it comes to sex. What is bad sex to one is good sex to another. Experience helps but there are lots of people with experience that aren't good at sex.
Author xyz1234 Posted June 18, 2013 Author Posted June 18, 2013 Since you don't seem to have a strong attraction to girls, did you ever consider you might be gay and don't realize it? Of course the younger girls are nuts and play mind games, but do you want to get laid or not? There are lots of older women who want a younger toy boy but is that what you want? Seem like you complain about being a virgin but aren't willing to do what it takes to loose the virginity. There is no such thing as a relationship where no one gets hurt, lies told to you. Someone always get hurt or their wasn't a relationship to begin with. Another lie about being good at sex, everyone wants something different when it comes to sex. What is bad sex to one is good sex to another. Experience helps but there are lots of people with experience that aren't good at sex. @jf2good Eh, I'm pretty sure I'm not gay. I've always been attracted to girls and never to a guy and I masturbate quite a bit haha (sorry for the TMI), so I don't think it's a lack of libido or anything. But I think when you kind of see girls as something you can look at but not touch for so many years you get used to it and it makes continuing living that way easier than dealing with the embarrassment of seeming inexperienced. On top of all this I got picked on when I was really young because I was already into girls. I was the boy who had "cooties" haha. I used to be the only boy at girls birthday parties and I wrote a girl a "love letter" once. Man, if I hadn't gotten picked on I probably would have ended up being a player haha. But I took so much **** for it that I think it messed me up for a while. I remember when I was 13 or so my friends were sitting at a picnic table and there were some girls there that were friends with my friends. One of them sat next to me and I actually moved over a little bit so we wouldn't be too close. My friends were like "what are you doing? She's just a girl." I also remember around that same time I was talking to a friend about that song "Let's Talk About Sex" but I wouldn't say the word sex... and he was like "you can say it, it's just sex." I was just an odd kid that was afraid of that stuff I guess, I don't know. I always kind of had too high of standards for girls, where I'd not want the ones who wanted me and always wanted the ones I (thought I) couldn't have. The problem is this leaves you with nothing haha. I'm actually pretty confident about my looks and stuff now to where I don't feel like if I'm attracted they must be out of my league (honestly, I think I'm out of most girls leagues now appearance wise since I started working out after college and I'm pretty ripped now haha). I also just hear so much crap about guys who "just want to get in girls pants" that I'd rather be the nice guy who waits until he feels she is ready... the problem is I don't have much experience so she can't be subtle about it haha (and can't explicitly tell me "no sex until relationship" like that last one even though the opposite was basically the truth). Also, part of my mind set is that I'm going to try to initiate something (sex) that I don't even really know how to do (or do well at least)? That sounds crazy to me so I try to wait until she makes a move I guess, and then I either don't read the signs correctly or she doesn't make the move. I guess what you said about being good at sex is kind of true, but you hear so much crap about no girls wanting to date a virgin because they'll suck at sex or won't last long. I actually went on a date with a girl and tracked down her twitter... she had said to a friend something along the lines of "you can NEVER date a virgin"... and she was 5 years younger than me haha. Felt wonderful... Then I see responses to the question "Would you ever date a virgin?" on OkCupid. I'm pretty sure I have not once seen someone say yes. Eh, once I have my own place I think a lot is going to change. I've never felt I could take a girl back to my place even when I actually had my own place in college because of how messed up my social life was at the time. I just have to man up I guess and deal with the embarrassment afterward.
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