DreamCatcher Posted October 13, 2004 Posted October 13, 2004 Hello everyone! I am having some problems with my boyfriend of 3 years. Our anniversary was in Sept. and everything was fine. We have had no problems prior to this, we love each other deeply and our relationship is built on understanding, compassion, trust and friendship. Last Friday he said "What if I thought we would never get married?" Kind of wondering where this was coming from was odd. Because although we have talked about marriage we still are quite young for that. I told him that I think that he should tell me if he thinks there is a problem. He said he didn't know if he loved me anymore. Stunned, of course I didn't know where to go from here. He is really stressed lately and I don't know if that has anything to do with it. Of course I'm crying and trying to give him space. I am also trying to be understanding. He says that he loves me and cares about me but doesn't know if I am the right person. At this point we are not broken up but we are not sure about what we want to do. I love him a lot, he's my best friend and I believe my soul mate. But he doesn't know anymore. I know I can't force someone to feel something they don't feel. But if any of you could offer a suggestion on how we can get past this? Or offer any advice on what I should do to help him? I'm open to anything. Thanks.
dyermaker Posted October 13, 2004 Posted October 13, 2004 Let him have his space, and focus on yourself. If your relationship is strong enough to last, you're going to be able to get past this. Direct the energy you put into him into something of your own, and he'll either come around or he won't.
Author DreamCatcher Posted October 13, 2004 Author Posted October 13, 2004 Thank you so much for your advice. I just have a lot on my plate right now, it's like I am trying to make this ok and be understanding...but at the same time...after only one week...i feel like I have nothing left in me. I'm physically and mentally exhausted.
babybear Posted October 13, 2004 Posted October 13, 2004 You mentioned that you two were rather young. Maybe he feels like he hasn't dated enough, and can't decide until he knows what else it out there? Bb
dyermaker Posted October 13, 2004 Posted October 13, 2004 Originally posted by DreamCatcher I just have a lot on my plate right now, it's like I am trying to make this ok and be understanding...but at the same time...after only one week...i feel like I have nothing left in me. I'm physically and mentally exhausted. I know exactly what you're going through.
NatoPMT Posted October 13, 2004 Posted October 13, 2004 Hi DC Have you discussed with him when or how this started? What aspect of your relationship has started this up? What is he not sure about? It might be something that you agree with and want to change about yourself, it might be something you feel is a part of you subsequently meaning you don’t want to change it or boils down to incompatibility or the relationship running its natural course. You have the chance now to catch this before he ended it. And make a decision on whether you want to do anything about it. ‘We have had no problems prior to this’ That’s where this may have started, your relationship must have had something amiss but he didn’t communicate it to you – he didn’t just fall out of love in 2 weeks did he? That may be him not wanting to deal with things, sticking his head in the sand. Make sure he sees you as approachable in terms of discussing what may be painful – try to think of those discussions not as ‘personal’ but a chance to see both of you being happy again, with or without each other. I hope things work out for you, whatever happens trust that it was meant to be. BB
Author DreamCatcher Posted October 13, 2004 Author Posted October 13, 2004 Thanks for all of your advice. Of course I talked to him about this. When his feelings started, if there were problems, etc.? But he said hes been feeling them only about 2 weeks. That it was nothing that I had done, he just can't ignore the way he feels. Nor would I want him too. I could understand if we had a fight or misunderstanding. But he didn't show any signs of not loving me before he told me. Our anniversary just past in Sept. and he was fine. Even after, when he was talking about it, he said that he loved me. He said I was wonderful and he cares a lot about me. He just doesn't know if he loves me the same way that I love him anymore.
Scarlett_girl Posted October 13, 2004 Posted October 13, 2004 I've been in a relationship for 2 years..and though I love my bf..i wonder if i'm still IN LOVE with him..I don't know if it's cuz passion declines after a couple of years or if it's just over...I know how your bf feels..it was probably eating him inside before he told you cuz the hardest thing to do is to hurt the person who loves you most...
jas4577 Posted October 15, 2004 Posted October 15, 2004 I'm surprised I haven't run across this info yet on this forum, but from everything I've read about "love" and how to define "love" indicates that there are stages. The first is practically an obsessive, infatuated love. This is where your partner can do no wrong, he/she is perfect in every way (in your eyes anyway!) and you are on cloud 9 or that honeymoon phase. These sensations and emotions you have are driven by hormone levels. You are in some ways addicted to the way your sig. other makes you feel because you get a high off of the endorphins released when you are together. This is fun and thrilling...but only temporary! The second phase is what one should consider to be true love. After about 2 years (on average) in a relationship, those hormones level off and the highs aren't as frequent or extreme. This is commonly when people begin to question their feelings for one another. This is also when one determines how sincere their "love" is. You've now realized your partner isn't perfect, they have flaws, comfort levels have increased, and ideally - true feelings of companionship and intense levels of trust should be present. Ask yourself if you truly care about this person as an individual - not whether you care about how they make YOU feel. Do you want them to improve themselves, for their sake? You have to have an altruistic (non-selfish) mind set in your concern for one another. This is what can be most heartbreaking: realizing that a person may be happier without you, and letting them go because you really do care. Having said that, these changes you all express in your feelings are most likely due to time, and chemicals in your brain! Either you can adjust to this newly found sense of security, thrive and grow together (granted you both feel this strong bond and trust) or you can throw it away and seek out the highs that come w/ being in a sparkly brand new relationship. Hope this helps ease some of your minds!
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