Harping on

[waterwoman]

H and I are going through a bad patch right now.

 

I suspect it's triggered by the fact I have run out of my ADs and won't be able to get more until thursday. So I don;t know if my reactions are normal or totally OTT.

 

We had a row on Friday - minor row only. But we ended up talking about the affair again. I asked him how he could think his affair wouldn't hurt me. He countered by asking how I thought my committing suicide wouldnt hurt him. (Back at the time the affair was getting off the ground my depressiom reached a real low and I had suicidal ideation). I didn't tell him about at the time it because at the time I didn't feel he'd care. Ironically this was about the time OW told him about her self-harming and he was feeling like the bees knees that she trusted him enough to tell him

 

Weekend was OK. But I guess I had been stewing because I texted him yesterday asking how he could compare a 6 m affair with a 10 minute period in which I considered killing myself. He said he wasn't comparing. Last night he told me I was always 'harping on' about that time. Felt like a punch to the gut Yes, I am always harping on about it because it hurt me and it still does! And you won't talk to me about it!!!

 

He has never talked to me about my depression or how I felt about that time. Apart from to say 'you should have told me'. It's as if he deosn't beleive it's genuine, or he doesn't care. At the time when he saw me going downhil he just got impatient and told me to go the docs - yes, that was what I needed to do but I also needed emotional support.

 

 

grrrrrr! I wish I could make it all go away too. But I can't

[Sadwife37]

I also continue "harping" on about the A. Thankfully my H has not said that too me. But I certainly know he feels it and wishes I could move past it. I bring it up. It still hurts. I still dwell on it. Even though most things are good now. I too wish I could just forget it and move on.

 

Last night I was upset from some comments made on this site. I went home re-reading some old emails from the A time. I came across one I have seen several times before but chose to focus on it again last night. An email from my H to a fancy jewelry store on Jan 7, 2011. He says " the diamond pendant is perfect but the necklace I purchased with it seems short. Can I exchange the necklace". No further emails. The rest have been deleted. Just to be clear, he did not give me a diamond pendant at that time. We have gone over this before. It was during the A time. He says He must have ordered it for me and decided to give me something else instead. He Internet shops. I say " you don't buy a diamond pendant and forget about it - certainly if it was for a girlfriend". He swears they never exchanged gifts. I say bull sh** because of this email. But really???? They had a long term relationship with sex etc, I should be able to let this email go. But it keeps coming back. Today he phoned the jewelry store with me there asking for a purchase history. They told him since he never set up an account they don't have that info. He has given me several things from the same store.

 

I want to be happy. I want to successfully R. But I still hurt a lot. You obviously do too. I am trying to harp less and be happy more. For me this is 19 months past D Day and there has been NC in that time. But that doesn't change all the lies and hurt of the A. Good luck. And for what it is worth, I don't think you being depressed and contemplating suicide can or should be compared to an A. Stay strong. Us BS need to support each other.

[Spotme]

Harping is so much a word meant to shut you down. Don't let him get away with it! Time for a refresher course with the counselor to remind him what you need to heal and, so very importantly, how conversations about the affair should be handled - i.e. NOT by dismissing your feelings now or what you were going through then. Maybe a more in-depth session/s on this issue of his lack of empathy about your depression? And another, more educational session for H on what it means to be empathetic and emotionally supportive in general? Anyway, ADs on board or no, harping was not an ok term to use.

[Emilia]

It sounds to me that you are married to an asshat

[waterwoman]

It sounds to me that you are married to an asshat

 

 

LOL! I agree it seems that way! Irritatingly a lot of the time he isn't. If he was 100% asshat life would be easier <sigh>

[Snowflower]

 

Weekend was OK. But I guess I had been stewing because I texted him yesterday asking how he could compare a 6 m affair with a 10 minute period in which I considered killing myself. He said he wasn't comparing. Last night he told me I was always 'harping on' about that time. Felt like a punch to the gut Yes, I am always harping on about it because it hurt me and it still does! And you won't talk to me about it!!!

 

He has never talked to me about my depression or how I felt about that time. Apart from to say 'you should have told me'. It's as if he deosn't beleive it's genuine, or he doesn't care. At the time when he saw me going downhil he just got impatient and told me to go the docs - yes, that was what I needed to do but I also needed emotional support.

 

~snip~

 

I just wanted to zero in on these parts of your post.

 

I see a real big, related problem here.

 

1. Your H sees you expressing your concerns/pain/fear/doubts over his A as harping on. That is completely disrespectful and it shows that he just doesn't really get it.

 

2. Your second paragraph regarding your depression during that time: his reaction to your feelings also shows a complete disrespect for you and who you are/how you feel.

 

He is completely disrespectful toward you including both how you felt then and you feel now. Can you see that?

 

I've been where you are both then and after. Indeed, my H's then-unknown-affair sent me scurrying to IC trying to figure myself and my depression which I didn't understand.

 

I went on and on about his affair for years. It got to the point where my H finally said, "this is never going to go away for us, is it?" We both had to reassess our marriage at that point.

 

But yet, I never heard that level of disrespect from him and it was still nearly impossible for me to reconcile with him.

 

I'm not sure how you can do this without his support. IMO, no WS ever truly "gets it" but some at least try to-to the best of their ability.

 

I've read your posts over these many months. I'm not sure your H has it in him to do this. I'm sorry.

[waterwoman]

Thanks spotme. I agree that harping on was a 'shut the f*** up already' phrase. thing is I'd like to but I can't yet.

 

He hasn't been to IC. I have, we've been to MC together but he doesn't want to go to IC alone. Boy his FOO issues would keep a therapist in clover for years!

[waterwoman]

sadwife "there has been NC in that time. But that doesn't change all the lies and hurt of the A" Yep, here too. But as you say just because he stopped it doesn't make it all go away. Not to mention I knew he missed her like mad at first and it wasn't until he stopped missing her that I felt we could really start to heal.

[dichotomy]

He is defending is poor actions against your brief poor thoughts? That's a poor defense.

 

According to my shrink thoughts of suicide are more common than you would think. There is a line between thoughts or feelings and preparation that is the key to this issue.

 

Why do you harp? Has he not fully been accountable or regretful. Is there something he could do to make you stop - or is part of this your work?

 

I go through phases of harping on my wife's EA. I finally told my individual therapist that I harp - (punish/beat her up) over it I suppose, because I really feel she never really harped or beat herself over it. this will come up in our couples work soon and it wont be pleasant.

Edited June 18, 2013 by dichotomy

[waterwoman]

He is defending is poor actions against your brief poor thoughts? That's a poor defense.

 

According to my shrink thoughts of suicide are more common than you would think. There is a line between thoughts or feelings and preparation that is the key to this issue.

 

Why do you harp? Has he not fully been accountable or regretful. Is there something he could do to make you stop - or is part of this your work?

 

I go through phases of harping on my wife's EA. I finally told my individual therapist that I harp - (punish/beat her up) over it I suppose, because I really feel she never really harped or beat herself over it. this will come up in our couples work soon and it wont be pleasant.

 

I agree with that last paragraph dichotomy I guess. He says he is sorry, he has been afraid to lose me, that he wished he had never got involved with her.. but I don't feel it somehow. He has been very honest with me to the extent that it hurts so I can't say he has lied, he has gone NC, he has come with me to MC, but he sometimes acts as if that is enough. I don't FEEL that it is - but am I right? I dont know.

 

I have texted him asking to go to see the therapist we went to MC with. He liked him so maybe he wouldn't find it too hard.

[Spark1111]

Ahhh, harping is a deflection, as is his use of your suicidal ideation.....as in a good offense deflects from the truth and is the best defense, no?

 

If we talk about you, please, maybe we can stop talking about me and my affair.

 

As hurtful as that is.....it is more frightening to realize how truly little they wish to reflect on their actions.

 

it is NOT unusual for the WS to move on so much more quickly than the BS...evidence of how truly little the A and AP meant to them one could conclude.

 

they do not miss the person, they miss the way they felt when with that person.

 

if he was her KISA, then every time you bring him back to the affair and he sees your pain, he fears he will never be your KISA again.

 

I believe many a reconciled cheater lives in constant fear that they will NEVER be able to unring that affair bell, and in hindsight, they truly wish they could.

[Furious]

H and I are going through a bad patch right now.

 

I suspect it's triggered by the fact I have run out of my ADs and won't be able to get more until thursday. So I don;t know if my reactions are normal or totally OTT.

 

We had a row on Friday - minor row only. But we ended up talking about the affair again. I asked him how he could think his affair wouldn't hurt me. He countered by asking how I thought my committing suicide wouldnt hurt him. (Back at the time the affair was getting off the ground my depressiom reached a real low and I had suicidal ideation). I didn't tell him about at the time it because at the time I didn't feel he'd care. Ironically this was about the time OW told him about her self-harming and he was feeling like the bees knees that she trusted him enough to tell him

 

Weekend was OK. But I guess I had been stewing because I texted him yesterday asking how he could compare a 6 m affair with a 10 minute period in which I considered killing myself. He said he wasn't comparing. Last night he told me I was always 'harping on' about that time. Felt like a punch to the gut Yes, I am always harping on about it because it hurt me and it still does! And you won't talk to me about it!!!

 

He has never talked to me about my depression or how I felt about that time. Apart from to say 'you should have told me'. It's as if he deosn't beleive it's genuine, or he doesn't care. At the time when he saw me going downhil he just got impatient and told me to go the docs - yes, that was what I needed to do but I also needed emotional support.

 

 

grrrrrr! I wish I could make it all go away too. But I can't

 

 

 

Waterwoman

 

Your husband turned away from you at your most vulnerable time and was able to be the knight in shining armour for someone else who was self harming herself. This must be excruciating to admit to yourself and see it for what is was. Even harder, is for your husband to shut you down by calling it harping.

 

It's as though you are made to feel guilty for being angry and upset over what's happened. Your husband gets it, but he seems to act and think in a rug sweeping attitude.

 

Waterwoman, shake that rug, kick that rug, and throw it out the door. Refuse to rug sweep what needs to be addressed. Your husband is stubborn and wants to retreat to the old way you both handled the stress in your marriage. He must understand that you will not go back there and you are determined to forge ahead with or without him.

 

Eventually, you will get to the point where either things are better or you've had enough.

[ladydesigner]

(((Waterwoman))) Just wanted to give you hugs:love:

 

My WH will often say similar things and he is usually the master at deflection and blame shifting. Now if he even starts I'll just cut him short and say that this conversation is not going the way it was intended and I tell him I disagree with him. I will also tell him that his response lacks empathy and gets us nowhere.

 

My WH is just now owning his A. It took him 16 months to do it, but is. He doesn't like to be reminded of his bad behavior, but that's just too damn bad. It is a consequence of the A unfortunately and until they can put their defensiveness aside it's going to be really hard to come out unscathed.

 

I am of the attitude now that I had to lose my M in order to save it and I am still willing to lose it if WH doesn't stick to helping fix this M.

 

Focusing on healing myself on my own has helped me A LOT more than looking to my broken WS to help me, that is for sure.

[waterwoman]

Thank you all for your kind and thoughtful responses x

 

snowflower - I guess I must have misrepresented him a little. He is respectful of me by and large - I think he is just out of his depth. He does the stiff upper lip thing to perfection. Alternatively you could say he has a broom up his ar*e! He doesn't talk about emotions. Which is why I am so keen for him to go to see a counsellor - I think he needs to talk to someone, and I guess it can't be me. I sense a sea of feelings down there with no way to let them out.

 

spark - no he can't ring that bell. He sure wants to. So do I. But it won't. He had not been my KISA for years - maybe that was part of the problem, I'd love him to be, I'd love a KISA right now and he's fit the bill really well. I have been trying to tell him how much I need him to hold me up.

 

furious - I have been trying to shake that rug. Problem H has a habit of looking in horror at the dust I throw up so I back away and get the brush out again.... I know it's a bit crappy.

 

ladyd - that is part of the problem. I can't honestly day I am willing to lose my marriage to fix it. That is a big part of my problem.

[jnel921]

WW, when you bring these things up to your H what is your intention? What is it that you need to hear him say? it's been a while and he wants to be with you. You are blaming lack of pres meds on your behavior? And he needs IC?

 

We BS will hurt fir a long time. But those of us who are still trying to walk down that path to R. I can't walk with him if there is a constant fight about what happened. it's done.

 

Only two things can happen. We divorce because I can't get over it or we make our M stronger by pulling together and rebuilding trust, love and a better foundation.

 

Ask yourself how you really feel about your M if you still find yourself depressed and questioning what he did.

 

I am sorry that you felt at one point in your life that you didn't want to be here. I could never fathom that thought no matter what my H or ex H put me through. life is great and full of possibilities.

 

You both need to stay focused and positive. reading your old posts or bringing back old emotions won't help you. If your H has made an effort in your M embrace that.

 

I admit in the beginning using the A card to get what I wanted from him. then I realized that what I really wanted from him was to be genuine and come directly from him. The A has long been over and ther is NC. My H loves me dearly, he shows me and expresses this everyday. We are working on it day by day and by no means are things perfect.

 

So before you ask him anything, ask yourself what is the intention and what the answer means to you at this point in your R.

Edited June 18, 2013 by jnel921

[waterwoman]

jnel - if he was more open with me about his feelings, if he made me feel loved, I can assure you I'd never talk about the affair again. I don't want to. It's like probing a bad tooth with your tongue, I'd rather never do it again! To be clear, he didn't make me depressed (as far as I know), I have been of meds for depression on and off since my daughter was born 14 years ago so it wasn't down to the affair (though it sure didnt help!)

 

I want to get past it. I want our marriage to work but I feel like I am doing it all. I am sure he doesn't think that is the case but as he is relucatant to talk about it I can't say for sure.

 

Anyway I have composed a letter to him, asking if he wants to remain married to me. No punches pulled, laying out the facts as I see them. He can reply at length with honesty saying that he wants to carry on or that he doesn't . Or he can rug sweep which will indicate to me that he doesn't. Itt will break me heart all over again but at least I will know and I can start to heal.

 

Thanks