RespectfullyAlone Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 I read here the recurring thoughts of people responding to those of us who are broken hearted, suffering, feeling wretched, lacking in self esteem, weak, fearful and all alone... that we need to just get out there and starting living life again. My response is one of this. If you used to goto the beach with your loved one, and then go back to the beach -- it's a beautiful day, sun shining, the pain of missing that person who you used to goto the beach with (insert other places you went to as well), is still greater, than just going oh!, it's a great day to go out and live life. Seeing couples holding hands, out on the town, at the movies, in the supermarket, at the airport, at the beach... it does nothing to help us get stronger. All it does is remind us of what we have lost. I know from experience sometimes the only way to stop once and for all of ever thinking of a past love, is to find someone even better. Sounds logical on paper, but very hard in a practical sense to actually achieve. Do people who dispense "advice" here think that those of us with broken hearts, feeling like we would rather just curl up and breeth our last breath, actually want to be in this state? Hell no. I want to be happy and I'm sure everyone here does. But I ask you this, how many times can you scrunch up a rose, and expect it to rebound back to it's perfect shape. It might still be red, it might still smell nice, but it's form and shape are never going to be the same. It's clear it's damaged, and normally it just gets tossed in the trash. How does that then mean anyone can ever believe that horrible feel good line of "whatever doesn't kill you, makes you stronger". I don't think so. It might not kill you, but you will show and bare the scars for the rest of your life. You will be broken inside. And that can last years, decades even a lifetime. Some of us have more tender hearts than others, but over time with enough heart breaks, we all get the same hard heart. Not trusting people, not opening up to them, not letting those lovely aspects of hope, a cheery outlook on life, and genuine excitement of the unknown and whats to come in life, ever popping up inside of them. It's like a flame, once it's out, it's out. Most people here do not choose to feel these dark and depressing, sad and heartbreaking feelings. For alot of us, me included, the happiness experienced in our past with ex's and past loves is still greater than the bleak outlook of what is left of our lives. Thus we still chose and try to be in the "happiest" state of mind, even if we are miserable. It might mean it's less miserable, but still miserable. As for getting out there, putting ourselves out there and trying to find us, and be happy with ourselves and being alone until we meet someone else. Sure thing, I'll get right on it once I work out how to shut off that piercing heartbreak of seeing other couples in love, seeing families out and about, and realize you're sitting there on the park bench all alone just watching life go by, lost in your regrets waiting for death to take you, as stupid and idiotic as it sounds, seems like a form of relief. It's not, but we in our own way are only trying to still be in the least amount of misery possible. 4
SuperGeek Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 (edited) I recommend that you DONT go out and start dating just yet. Sounds like it's too soon for you. Sit around the house for awhile and let yourself just be sad for awhile. Allow yourself to feel these feelings and go through it. It's the way it's supposed to be. I suppose it can be somewhat analogous to getting over a flu bug or common cold, but takes a much longer period of time. Your heart is sick let it heal for awhile. If you're sick, it's soup and sitting on the couch for awhile right? Just please try to not let yourself go. I'm struggling with some life events myself and it's kicking my butt too. The most painful relationship blunder of my life was three years ago and I'm mostly healed now. You will make it through, but you gotta allow for time to pass. Edited June 18, 2013 by SuperGeek 1
mtnbiker3000 Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 Breakups and heartbreak happen to all of us. No one is immune! It's how you deal with it that matters. I too am suffering some pretty hard core pain over my recent BU, but life goes on. Take some time to look at what you did to end the RS, as no BU is totally one persons doing. You had a role!! Now is the time for some self reflection, examination and action. Identify and address your issues. At least that what I choose to do... As you mentioned the only alternative is just to give up and die. Well, I am not ready to die just yet, and I don't think you are either... 1
thefooloftheyear Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 I just hate that this type of torture has to be brought upon otherwise very good people ....It just doesnt seem to be very fair..Life just isnt fair..The older I get the more cynical I become.. TFY
theonlyjuan Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 That was you once and maybe some of them were bitter and cold about seeing you in love. Maybe now they are with their new partner and extremely happy again or experiencing their first love. There is hope for everyone 1
Author RespectfullyAlone Posted June 19, 2013 Author Posted June 19, 2013 What is wrong with me I wonder. I am feeling so low, almost as bad and painful as the BU and that was 6 months ago. Maybe it was false hopes, being distracted with work having to travel a bit, trying to start my own little business. And now that things are settled down a little, the realisation that I am alone, and I could quite possibly always be alone. It is so painful. I so wish my ex was thinking of me. Who knows maybe she does, but she hasn't reached out in any way. Maybe these are my false hopes finally crumbling down, and now I am left with an even worse and painful reality... that this is my reality. She left. And love did not conquer. My perseverance, my patience, my ability to forgive is all for nothing. Knowing she is probably head over heals happy with this new guy is killing me. Add to that he was a close friend too. But I cannot stop missing this girl and it's still affecting me so much. I cannot turn it off. Someone must know some practical methods in turning off this love and feeling, this longing for someone who has left you and never will return. Even I know it's insane, but not only am I stubborn sometimes, I am incredibly naive and still on a subconscious level hoping for the best.
Zammo25 Posted June 19, 2013 Posted June 19, 2013 You sound like a great bloke. What you have to realise is that when the ex has sex with another guy is it GAME OVER Man as Bill Paxton once said in Aliens. She is gone, dust, history. Ain't anything you or I can do about that with the ex. She has bonded with the new guy and would have done as soon as the act was done as with most Women sex is important and meaningful and once they move on and do this with another Man we are toast. So, it hurts like f*ck and we can live in a perpetual World of misery or move on and get a new life. PLEASE forget about her, she is history and you are history. Anymore time you live this torture is a day too long and I know where you are coming from believe me but we had our shot and it is gone now.
Zammo25 Posted June 19, 2013 Posted June 19, 2013 I read here the recurring thoughts of people responding to those of us who are broken hearted, suffering, feeling wretched, lacking in self esteem, weak, fearful and all alone... that we need to just get out there and starting living life again. My response is one of this. If you used to goto the beach with your loved one, and then go back to the beach -- it's a beautiful day, sun shining, the pain of missing that person who you used to goto the beach with (insert other places you went to as well), is still greater, than just going oh!, it's a great day to go out and live life. Seeing couples holding hands, out on the town, at the movies, in the supermarket, at the airport, at the beach... it does nothing to help us get stronger. All it does is remind us of what we have lost. I know from experience sometimes the only way to stop once and for all of ever thinking of a past love, is to find someone even better. Sounds logical on paper, but very hard in a practical sense to actually achieve. Do people who dispense "advice" here think that those of us with broken hearts, feeling like we would rather just curl up and breeth our last breath, actually want to be in this state? Hell no. I want to be happy and I'm sure everyone here does. But I ask you this, how many times can you scrunch up a rose, and expect it to rebound back to it's perfect shape. It might still be red, it might still smell nice, but it's form and shape are never going to be the same. It's clear it's damaged, and normally it just gets tossed in the trash. How does that then mean anyone can ever believe that horrible feel good line of "whatever doesn't kill you, makes you stronger". I don't think so. It might not kill you, but you will show and bare the scars for the rest of your life. You will be broken inside. And that can last years, decades even a lifetime. Some of us have more tender hearts than others, but over time with enough heart breaks, we all get the same hard heart. Not trusting people, not opening up to them, not letting those lovely aspects of hope, a cheery outlook on life, and genuine excitement of the unknown and whats to come in life, ever popping up inside of them. It's like a flame, once it's out, it's out. Most people here do not choose to feel these dark and depressing, sad and heartbreaking feelings. For alot of us, me included, the happiness experienced in our past with ex's and past loves is still greater than the bleak outlook of what is left of our lives. Thus we still chose and try to be in the "happiest" state of mind, even if we are miserable. It might mean it's less miserable, but still miserable. As for getting out there, putting ourselves out there and trying to find us, and be happy with ourselves and being alone until we meet someone else. Sure thing, I'll get right on it once I work out how to shut off that piercing heartbreak of seeing other couples in love, seeing families out and about, and realize you're sitting there on the park bench all alone just watching life go by, lost in your regrets waiting for death to take you, as stupid and idiotic as it sounds, seems like a form of relief. It's not, but we in our own way are only trying to still be in the least amount of misery possible. You have put in words excatly how I feel. My heart is dead now.
todreaminblue Posted June 20, 2013 Posted June 20, 2013 hey respectfully alone, i cant say anything to make you feel better but i can write this for you it is always darkest in the break up, regret filled storm, knowing that darkness will end, wont sate you or keep you warm, love is as love does, and it can cut and it can heal, it isnt all roses and cream, it isnt the start,or a requiem of a dream, its love and it is deep and elusively found, it is the thing that can tear you apart or put you on solid ground, to have never lost in love is to never know, all love has to offer and all that love has to show, it is found in couples holding hands, we look on with a smile even if our heart doesnt understand, why cant we feel that again,without getting harmed will we ever, could we ever be in someones arms, we do remember the whimsical, we can remember the serendipity charm, of love that deep elusive warm thought, that touches our heart, grasp that memory and hold it close never let your heart and love depart, its there, just waiting for a chance, down the track there could be, that glimpse of romance, its there, just dont forget you care, keep your tender heart wherever you may roam... that heart is yours for keeps, respectfully alone.........(((((hugs))))))))....deborah 1
Author RespectfullyAlone Posted June 20, 2013 Author Posted June 20, 2013 (edited) Thank you todreaminblue for that lovely poem. I find I catch myself doing silly things, but they in a way feel meaningful to me all the same. It's weird to describe. Like that gasp when you see a car the same as your ex's... looking at peoples faces in cars, in crowds. You're searching for your ex, the one you loved and still love. Even in my dreams last night, there she was. I guess it's a continuation of that "searching" for your beloved. Even people who say they are happy to be single and don't want to get into a relationship, are still visually scanning over someone who might walk into the coffee shop, or at the beach walking, running. Isn't it true that women know within even a few minutes if a guy is partner worthy? Probably an old wives tale, but if you're attracted to someones appearance that's a start at least. I had a happy moment today. It was a total fantasy moment, but it made me feel nice for a little while. Since the BU if I ever happen to come across a newspaper, be it at the coffee shop, Subway etc., I seem to very much look forward to the Astrology section. Now I'm the biggest skeptic there is when it comes to Astrology, and have always said allowed to friends and so on, it's all a bunch of BS. Yet here I am, still with my searching eyes, trying, looking, hunting for signs my ex will contact me at some point. Suddenly after the BU, the Astrology star sign section becomes a must read. Looking for clues, for signs basically. And it's all made up in my head. I might read one once a week if that, so it's not a daily routine, but I will always read it now whenever I get my hands on a paper. So today I read my one... "Over the past couple of days in your forecast, I have been preparing you for some changes in celestial influence that is still a little way ahead. I question whether I'm saying too much, too soon. Does it help a hungry person to know that, though there may be no food today, there should be some next week? It may not satisfy their appetite but it is surely better than leaving them to think that sustenance will never arrive. Let us be clear. You don't just have something to look forward to; you have a lot to look forward to."I get home, I google it. It's syndicated, so spread all around the globe. Nothing special really, but I read it and it makes me feel some form of uplifting positive thoughts. Like maybe there is something wonderful on the horizon. Of course I interpret it to mean my ex will come back of course. Stupid, still, insane right!? Of course it is, but that is how much we miss our ex, how much that love lingers. She doesn't deserve one day with me, let alone a lifetime, yet here I am still loving her, still missing her, still wanting her. I'm sure she's still on my pedestal too, while I polish away and glorify her. It's just a horrible horrible feeling when you know you are feeling things you know are not worth the effort anymore. She doesn't deserve me, yet here I am bleeding my heart out, that crushed rose all crumpled up. I won't even read my ex's Horoscope here since I often find truth in that one too. I know we read into things what we want. And that was always my biggest gripe with them, they were too vague in that you could read it out to anyone and it could apply. But lately I seem to be feeling some of them are talking about me, about her. Weird how the mind works. I want this to end so much. I am not ready to date yet, who knows maybe it might take me another horrible and drawn out 6 months... possibly even longer. But I do know I am sick of feeling this pain of feeling this embarrassment, this humiliation that she has bestowed upon me. Of knowing each and every day and night, she is in the arms of another guy. If she had never told me she loved me, cherished me and all those wonderful things, it would be alot easier. Had I never had sex with her, easier to let go still. She even used to cheekily call it "bonding". So many little things I miss. Just holding her hand, feeling her touch. Wrapping my arm around her shoulder, her waist while walking. Her nose pressing into my neck. It's insane how many things you think of and miss. I do not go on her FB page. It's all public pretty much. I removed myself as a friend and also blocked her as well some months back. I have deleted all her messages, txts, photos. I have nothing left of her accept her imprint in my heart. I have not been in contact with her for many months. Feb 13 was her last communication to me. That's right, the day before Valentines Day. It was also the day she got engaged too. It totally does my head in even trying to understand that one. I never replied to her btw and still to this day do not know if it was an attempt to reach out to me via a "mistaken" message, or if she chose to check up on me. She did end it with "Hope you're keeping well :)". Maybe that was a nice thing of her to do, but at the time if felt like another kick in the guts. Others I have mentioned this too thought maybe it was a feeler from her since she wasn't getting the commitment and ring from her new guy. But she got it the next day obviously. I'd give me last dying breath at this point to get a breadcrumb. Something, anything, a real sign she thought of me, a message, just anything. I know it's stupid, but in a way I know is probably just my mind telling me I "need" it... it feels like just knowing she did love me, she does think of me, even if she never came back would help to let her go. Because right now, not hearing anything, her proceeding with her new life towards being married in the next few months... oh wow it hurts so bad. Edited June 20, 2013 by RespectfullyAlone
mahon451 Posted June 20, 2013 Posted June 20, 2013 Have you seen a therapist? Because after 6 months (4 of NC), you don't seem to have healed much, and there may be underlying issues that are to blame. I'm gonna go ahead and assume you've done all the other standard post-BU stuff (work out a lot, new hobbies/interests, going out and meeting new people, etc.), right?
ballycastle Posted June 20, 2013 Posted June 20, 2013 Have you seen a therapist? Because after 6 months (4 of NC), you don't seem to have healed much, and there may be underlying issues that are to blame. I'm gonna go ahead and assume you've done all the other standard post-BU stuff (work out a lot, new hobbies/interests, going out and meeting new people, etc.), right? I sympathise with O.P's plight, but you cannot put a time frame on grief. I often read 'six months, you should be feeling better...' but in my case, over a year later I am only just starting to feel happy in my self. We should stop putting pressure on posters to FEEL better (unless they are repeating the same behaviour that is not beneficial to themselves healing, like maintaining contact with EX or engaging in self destructive behaviours). So Respectfully Alone, be ALLOWED to feel sad. Does she think of you, yes, no, maybe. But you can't plague yourself with these thoughts. A lot of people deleted evidence of their past EX's, but I kept mine. Whenever I feel sad I get out my diary and READ something they said or did that confirms by their behaviour I denied or muted or ignored or put their feelings ahead of mine to keep the relationship going that they were selfish/lacked empathy (fill in your own blanks). It makes me feel better instantly. Remember nostalgia is just another way of the mind distorting the truth. Take this time if you need to think of your ex of their behaviours. There must be something they did that you may have muted/ignored, because if they were THE ONE they would be here and now. Take this time to examine YOU and how YOU can make yourself the BEST you can be. Hard I know, you only have to read my posts/threads.
todreaminblue Posted June 20, 2013 Posted June 20, 2013 Thank you todreaminblue for that lovely poem. I find I catch myself doing silly things, but they in a way feel meaningful to me all the same. It's weird to describe. the poem was a first write unedited....so straight from the top of my dome.....:bunny: and needs serious tweaking but i am glad you liked it..... hey, i have done those exact silly things that you have described......After the break up....i had a stint of forced hospitalization ten weeks twelve weeks not quite sure...... i went no contact for six months after that moved interstate i moved about 1700 km away, for starters so seeing his face in a crowd wasnt something that would happen....so i never really looked...in fact i wouldnt look at anyone..but...i read the astrology section religiously........even though i believe it to be fluff and untrue...i read it anyway.....i read all the stuff that claimed to have tried and true ways of getting your ex back.....and went through days and days of fluctuating between wanting him back and wanting never to hear from him again......i tried to date too early........i gave up on that........ all in all...it was tough for me....i had daughters who were struggling with the trauma...i had school refusal....drug problems with family........and i was drinking to cope....i was on extremely strong meds.......my life was a blur of uncertainty and failure.......my girls needed me i failed to be the strong mother they needed and the problems they suffered were exasperated by this denial of my parental duties..i struggled....and i struggled...and i failed......i didnt want to live.............i came close to saying goodbye now.......i know its not up to anyone to help me....being with someone wont change my life.......only i can change my life and I have done that and am still a work in progress.....now i try to deal with the residuals of avoidance............finding a partner is not something that can fix you or anyone else....if you arent strong enough to start with...if you dont love yourself enough...the love you for someone else have will falter and fail to stand up to whaT LIFE HAS TO THROW AT THAT LOVE.....be good to you......love who you are now...with or without a partner...then....later on...you will find a love(it will happen) that can take the good and the bad times....good luck....deb
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