1 Year NC Update, Lessons learned

[Pod81]

It's been quite a while since I've posted on here but I thought I'd give an update for 2 reasons: 1) As a personal journal of sorts for my one year NC milestone and 2) To offer some retrospective advice to the newly broken-hearted.

 

To give a short background on why the relationship that brought me on LS ended, she was too immature and lacked enough romantic experience to know what she wanted. Basically a case of "grass is greener" if you want to call it that. On top of that, she was a self-proclaimed commitment-phobe which I thought I could change. Ever since that break-up, I was guilty of signing up for OKC waaay too soon after that break-up to fill that void. I was in no shape to begin a new relationship, but I did date someone for 5 months when I had wanted out after only 2 or 3 months. Admittedly, I should have spent a lot more time to become happy with being single again. For those of you who are so desperate to fill that void, I strongly suggest you to not go down that same path.

 

During the brink of my break-up, I had also (stupidly) agreed to take a no-contact break in order for her to figure out what she wants. If I had to do this again, I would have had a clean, no-contact break from the beginning. It was torture for that entire month as I literally counted down each day until the end of the break. During this time, I had even caught her on an online dating website which absolutely crushed me. Secondly, how could someone POSSIBLY figure out what they want in a month's time? Please save your dignity and walk away. Why prolong the torture when you could start healing TODAY? One of the things that I've learned during this time is that YOU SHOULD NEVER BE WITH SOMEONE WHO "DOESN'T KNOW WHAT THEY WANT."

 

It took me damn near 3 months to finally gather up the courage to remove her and all her friends from Facebook and to delete her phone number and text messages. I felt like it was the last piece of string that left me attached to her and to this day, I wasn't sure if it was false hope or nostalgia that kept me hanging. My only regret is not deleting all this sooner. As difficult as it sounds, the sooner you delete your ex from FB, Twitter, your phonebook, the better it will be for your healing. It's been beaten to death in this forum, but I can't stress enough that the less you know about your ex, the better you'll be.

 

Despite these things that I wish I had done differently, I am proud to say that I've ignored her only breadcrumb (which was a text message saying "hi how are you" 3 months after my last contact with her). For those who are struggling with NC, please read around these forums. There are countless stories out there of those breaking NC and opening up a new can of worms. I've had friends who kept in contact with their respective ex's and it took them a HELL of a lot longer than I did to get over my ex. I'm talking 2+ years!

 

One of the most important lessons I've learned from my break-up is that people don't change easily - if at all. In the case with my ex, I thought I could change her commitment-phobic ways which was naive on my part. First, change can only come from within and second, YOU ARE THE RULE AND NEVER THE EXCEPTION!

 

Another important lesson I've learned that I wanted to share with you guys is that love DOES NOT conquer all. For you hopeless romantics out there who think it does, please GET IT OUT OF YOUR SYSTEM. Strong relationships take a whole lot more. It takes commitment, effort, compromise, and maturity.

 

Overall, I'm in a much better place now than I was a year ago. The void that was left there was filled with new friends, hobbies, activities, and career advancement - NOT rebound dating. I have faith in all the broken-hearted out there and despite being a deep, dark abyss, I want to let you know that it WILL improve with time...and that all starts with taking off the rose-tinted glasses and letting go! I wish all of you luck.

[jabbzy64]

It's been quite a while since I've posted on here but I thought I'd give an update for 2 reasons: 1) As a personal journal of sorts for my one year NC milestone and 2) To offer some retrospective advice to the newly broken-hearted.

 

To give a short background on why the relationship that brought me on LS ended, she was too immature and lacked enough romantic experience to know what she wanted. Basically a case of "grass is greener" if you want to call it that. On top of that, she was a self-proclaimed commitment-phobe which I thought I could change. Ever since that break-up, I was guilty of signing up for OKC waaay too soon after that break-up to fill that void. I was in no shape to begin a new relationship, but I did date someone for 5 months when I had wanted out after only 2 or 3 months. Admittedly, I should have spent a lot more time to become happy with being single again. For those of you who are so desperate to fill that void, I strongly suggest you to not go down that same path.

 

During the brink of my break-up, I had also (stupidly) agreed to take a no-contact break in order for her to figure out what she wants. If I had to do this again, I would have had a clean, no-contact break from the beginning. It was torture for that entire month as I literally counted down each day until the end of the break. During this time, I had even caught her on an online dating website which absolutely crushed me. Secondly, how could someone POSSIBLY figure out what they want in a month's time? Please save your dignity and walk away. Why prolong the torture when you could start healing TODAY? One of the things that I've learned during this time is that YOU SHOULD NEVER BE WITH SOMEONE WHO "DOESN'T KNOW WHAT THEY WANT."

 

It took me damn near 3 months to finally gather up the courage to remove her and all her friends from Facebook and to delete her phone number and text messages. I felt like it was the last piece of string that left me attached to her and to this day, I wasn't sure if it was false hope or nostalgia that kept me hanging. My only regret is not deleting all this sooner. As difficult as it sounds, the sooner you delete your ex from FB, Twitter, your phonebook, the better it will be for your healing. It's been beaten to death in this forum, but I can't stress enough that the less you know about your ex, the better you'll be.

 

Despite these things that I wish I had done differently, I am proud to say that I've ignored her only breadcrumb (which was a text message saying "hi how are you" 3 months after my last contact with her). For those who are struggling with NC, please read around these forums. There are countless stories out there of those breaking NC and opening up a new can of worms. I've had friends who kept in contact with their respective ex's and it took them a HELL of a lot longer than I did to get over my ex. I'm talking 2+ years!

 

One of the most important lessons I've learned from my break-up is that people don't change easily - if at all. In the case with my ex, I thought I could change her commitment-phobic ways which was naive on my part. First, change can only come from within and second, YOU ARE THE RULE AND NEVER THE EXCEPTION!

 

Another important lesson I've learned that I wanted to share with you guys is that love DOES NOT conquer all. For you hopeless romantics out there who think it does, please GET IT OUT OF YOUR SYSTEM. Strong relationships take a whole lot more. It takes commitment, effort, compromise, and maturity.

 

Overall, I'm in a much better place now than I was a year ago. The void that was left there was filled with new friends, hobbies, activities, and career advancement - NOT rebound dating. I have faith in all the broken-hearted out there and despite being a deep, dark abyss, I want to let you know that it WILL improve with time...and that all starts with taking off the rose-tinted glasses and letting go! I wish all of you luck.

 

 

I look forward to the day when I can write such an amazing thread

[lop98]

Can't thank you enough for this post, Pod81. It's been 4 months since BU... and I'm in a relationship, and I'm still heartbroken... guess that makes it a rebound relationship... I feel great when I'm with him, but I can't be on my own and I've been crying again lately. I don't want to hurt more people but it was the only way I found to get back on feet, in every other bad situation in my life I was able to find it in me but not this time, I can't even explain why. Did you ever feel like this? what made it all change? was it increasing commitment in your new relationship? what would you have done instead of getting in a new relationship (to get better)? sorry if it sounds very naive or selfish, I'm just in that dark hole where I have no idea what the hell I'm doing anymore...

[Pod81]

A relationship should NEVER be built out of the need for filling a void only. I had to let her go because she deserved to find someone who was emotionally healthy and happy with himself. Furthermore, I was extremely guarded with my emotions and couldn't let myself fall in love again. That's when I realized that I needed to spend more time by myself. Sure, there were things about her that made me lose interest...but if I had been healthier emotionally, I could have sacrificed more in the relationship and put forth more effort. I became the antithesis of who I was in the previous relationship and I wasn't happy with the person I became. If I couldn't love myself, how could I learn to love someone else?

 

Put yourself in your bf's shoes. How would you feel if he was dating you and still emotionally attached to his ex? It isn't fair for him and it's not fair for you either. If you truly care for him, I would let him go and spend more time building your confidence and your ability to be on your own. Go out there - exercise, find some new hobbies, rekindle old friendships, work on advancing your career. These are all vital in not only getting yourself back - but to become an improved and wiser version of your old self.

[lop98]

Even though I'm in the middle of what you just wrote, I repeat many of those lines in my head all of the time. It is still a good reminder, especially coming from someone that's been through the same path and can now look in hindsight.

[sporu]

Thanks for your post. Made me think about things a bit. The commitment issues sound all too familiar to me. I hope I'll be in the same position as you a year from now!

[LostOne1]

I'm almost at 1 year too and man.. your post sounds very similar to mines.

 

I totally agree with everything you have said!

 

After 1 years of looking back it makes a huge difference and brings out a different perspective on how we see things.

[OrangeSnack]

OP, first and foremost, I would like to say thank you so much for that post. It was extremely insightful. It's been 3 weeks since I've seen my gal (we weren't official bf/gf but have been going out for 3 weeks). We practically did "couple" things. We were affectionate, passionate, and had a strong bonding chemistry. Everything was PERFECT until one day she told me her friend passed away, which later on I found out it was an ex b/f. I was devastated. She said she needed time alone so I gave her the space. We would contact every other day, but it was just breadcrumb conversations. 2 weeks goes by and 5 days of NC, I get a message from her, "Hi I'm back! How are you?" I was so elated because I felt OMG, she's back so she's ready to spend time together? Obviously, that was my initial thought process but then the convo got colder and colder, it felt like she became more distant. (Was it because it took me 6 hours to respond? Or is she back in her depression stage?) After several attempts of messaging her, I decided to throw a breadcrumb message one day to see how she's doing. She blatantly ignored my message and it has been 5 days since I contacted her. I still see her on facebook everyday, talking to her friends and commenting, and I also see that she's at work because I pass by it every morning/evening. The NC thing is hard, especially when I had deep and sincere feelings for this gal. It is really unfortunate that the timing did not work out because I felt that we could have gone on a deeper level. But perhaps this whole ex b/f passing away really pushed her back from dating or being in a committed relationship with me. But what baffles me is that does it make any logical sense to push me away? I mean, we had such a great time together and she would share so many emotional feelings with me and with the unexpected ex passing away, I wished I could have been there for her. I wished I could have been her rock, granted, we were only dating for 3 weeks.

 

Anyhow, I am back on the NC stages and it has been 5 days. My life has certainly changed over the course of 3 weeks but I still wake up everyday thinking of her. I wish I could stop thinking about her but I just can't. I really hope she is doing well in life and I wish her the very best. She really is a great gal but I'm just so angry at myself because I was SO CLOSE to building something fruitful.

 

Sometimes I really don't know if the whole "NC" thing would apply under my situation because 1). we weren't official (and we only dated for 3 weeks) 2). she just lost her ex bf and she's grieving. People grief in different ways.

 

I still have her contact info on my phone. We are still friends on facebook and we both have a friend who is a good friend of mine and also a good friend of hers so indubitably we can still see each other through social media and our mutual friend. Even though I know I haven't gotten a response from her, there are times when I just want to text her again to see how she is doing or wish her a happy father's day, etc but I think that will just cause more distance? The last thing I want is to make her uncomfortable and see my weakness. Like what so many people have suggested, "Relax, go have fun and focus on yourself. When she's ready, she will contact you. If not, then move on." But sometimes it's so hard to grasp that and I feel like I need to be constantly reminded of that EVERYDAY.

[theonlyjuan]

Awesome stuff. Time does heal, it just seems like an eternity when it first happens.

 

I talk to my ex through fb/texts etc. I have taken her and her family,friends out of my news feed though. I don't need to be seeing what she is up to every day.

 

Hopefully one day I can put her back in news feed without feeling anything. By then I hope to have someone else and probably won't even remember to do it.

 

Break ups were probably much easier before social media.

[denxnis]

The void that was left there was filled with new friends, hobbies, activities, and career advancement - NOT rebound dating.

 

Well said.

[Pod81]

OP, first and foremost, I would like to say thank you so much for that post. It was extremely insightful. It's been 3 weeks since I've seen my gal (we weren't official bf/gf but have been going out for 3 weeks). We practically did "couple" things. We were affectionate, passionate, and had a strong bonding chemistry. Everything was PERFECT until one day she told me her friend passed away, which later on I found out it was an ex b/f. I was devastated. She said she needed time alone so I gave her the space. We would contact every other day, but it was just breadcrumb conversations. 2 weeks goes by and 5 days of NC, I get a message from her, "Hi I'm back! How are you?" I was so elated because I felt OMG, she's back so she's ready to spend time together? Obviously, that was my initial thought process but then the convo got colder and colder, it felt like she became more distant. (Was it because it took me 6 hours to respond? Or is she back in her depression stage?) After several attempts of messaging her, I decided to throw a breadcrumb message one day to see how she's doing. She blatantly ignored my message and it has been 5 days since I contacted her. I still see her on facebook everyday, talking to her friends and commenting, and I also see that she's at work because I pass by it every morning/evening. The NC thing is hard, especially when I had deep and sincere feelings for this gal. It is really unfortunate that the timing did not work out because I felt that we could have gone on a deeper level. But perhaps this whole ex b/f passing away really pushed her back from dating or being in a committed relationship with me. But what baffles me is that does it make any logical sense to push me away? I mean, we had such a great time together and she would share so many emotional feelings with me and with the unexpected ex passing away, I wished I could have been there for her. I wished I could have been her rock, granted, we were only dating for 3 weeks.

 

Anyhow, I am back on the NC stages and it has been 5 days. My life has certainly changed over the course of 3 weeks but I still wake up everyday thinking of her. I wish I could stop thinking about her but I just can't. I really hope she is doing well in life and I wish her the very best. She really is a great gal but I'm just so angry at myself because I was SO CLOSE to building something fruitful.

 

Sometimes I really don't know if the whole "NC" thing would apply under my situation because 1). we weren't official (and we only dated for 3 weeks) 2). she just lost her ex bf and she's grieving. People grief in different ways.

 

I still have her contact info on my phone. We are still friends on facebook and we both have a friend who is a good friend of mine and also a good friend of hers so indubitably we can still see each other through social media and our mutual friend. Even though I know I haven't gotten a response from her, there are times when I just want to text her again to see how she is doing or wish her a happy father's day, etc but I think that will just cause more distance? The last thing I want is to make her uncomfortable and see my weakness. Like what so many people have suggested, "Relax, go have fun and focus on yourself. When she's ready, she will contact you. If not, then move on." But sometimes it's so hard to grasp that and I feel like I need to be constantly reminded of that EVERYDAY.

 

You're absolutely correct in that contacting her will only serve to push her further away. When people like her are confused about what they want, there's always that push-pull dynamic. Remember that SHE was the one who asked for time and space, so give her all the space she could possibly want. The ball is now in her court and there's nothing you can say or do to expedite the process. It's 100% up to her (not YOU) to determine whether she wants to continue dating you. Truthfully, what she's doing is selfish too. She's expecting you to wait when she knows deep down inside that her interest level isn't high enough to consider you as a real boyfriend at this moment. Give her the benefit of the doubt if you must, but I wouldn't wait very long. It doesn't hurt to have some hope, but just be prepared for any negative outcomes and the possibility of never seeking the closure that you want.

Edited June 18, 2013 by Pod81

[OrangeSnack]

You're absolutely correct in that contacting her will only serve to push her further away. When people like her are confused about what they want, there's always that push-pull dynamic. Remember that SHE was the one who asked for time and space, so give her all the space she could possibly want. The ball is now in her court and there's nothing you can say or do to expedite the process. It's 100% up to her (not YOU) to determine whether she wants to continue dating you. Truthfully, what she's doing is selfish too. She's expecting you to wait when she knows deep down inside that her interest level isn't high enough to consider you as a real boyfriend at this moment. Give her the benefit of the doubt if you must, but I wouldn't wait very long. It doesn't hurt to have some hope, but just be prepared for any negative outcomes and the possibility of never seeking the closure that you want.

 

Well said! You're right, I sensed a little selfishness, but under her circumstances she deserves to be selfish. She needs to find herself right now. The ball is in her court so I will give her as much time as she needs, she knows where she can find me. I think I have already done my best. No matter what I say, it will not change a DAMN thing. It might even prolong our distance. I'm steering steady with the whole NC at the moment. If it happens, great. If it doesn't well, it just wasn't meant to be

 

As for closure, you're absolutely right. I may never get closure from her but that's something that I will have to move forward with. It's been a rough month but everyday, I am thankful that there are communities who are there to listen and to help. I am thankful that we have family and friends who are willing to open their ears and hearts to us.