veggies Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 (edited) Sorry for the novel, but I feel like some of the details are important... My boyfriend broke up with me about 1.5 months ago, after a 1.5 year relationship. This was his first relationship of any kind (first date, kiss, etc.), while it was my third LTR. However, my past relationships had been very toxic and abusive. I was constantly told I was worthless until I believed it. However, my current ex was amazing to me-- he treated me like a princess. People would point out how he looked at me with such love in his eyes, and he would bring me flowers even up until a few weeks before ending it. We never argued, though now I realize it's because both of us suppressed our unhappiness to avoid confrontation. I have chronic fatigue syndrome which causes me to sleep 15 hours a day, and between that, college, and pets, I didn't make a lot of time for him. I was put on Prozac because my doctor thought I was sleeping so much because of depression, but the only thing the Prozac did was eliminate my sex drive and caused me to push him away. I eventually got off the Prozac but my drive still didn't come back, and I was afraid he was going to leave me for it so I started distancing myself to avoid getting hurt. I developed anxieties around everyday things like driving or going out alone so I would ask him to come with him. He never said no, so I thought it was okay-- but apparently he hated it and never told me to avoid conflict. I took more than I gave... but I wish we had sat down and talked about our problems before just breaking up. We had never sat down and had a talk or discussed any problems. Part of me felt like I didn't deserve this amazing person, and that he was just going to dump me anyway, so I kept distancing myself more and more. I was still supportive of him and we still talked every day, but I was afraid of being physically and emotionally intimate. This probably started around January. He broke up with me and was sobbing the whole time. I had never seen him cry except for when his dog died. I was the one that had to comfort him... he kept holding me and crying into my shoulder... I felt so guilty because I knew I had pushed him this far so I didn't cry or beg. He told me he couldn't imagine his life without me, and that anytime I needed to talk or had questions he would always be there. I started to work on myself... sought out real treatment for my chronic fatigue and therapy to address my other issues. My therapist helped me figure out that I had never learned how to properly receive love because of my past abusive relationships, and we are also addressing my issues surrounding my lack of sex drive. We have seen each other twice since the BU. The first time he was so happy to see me, we held each other and cried. He told me I looked so gorgeous and that he had missed me and had thought about me constantly. I told him I was so sorry and that he meant the world to me. He sounded relieved and said he had been wanting to hear that for a long time... while holding me, he said "I want this so badly". He said he couldn't call me his ex-- it just hurt him too much. We kissed, and it was like I fell in love all over again. It was so passionate... He kept pulling me close to him, desperately, as if he was afraid to let go. I could go on and on about the things he said and how he kept pulling me to him when I tried to pull away. At this point, I asked for a second chance. He said he was so proud of the changes I was making but that he "can't right now". I wanted to leave, but he begged me to stay to watch Netflix or go out to dinner. Things felt normal, and right. He still had a picture of me as his phone background. After dinner, "I can't" had changed to "I need to think about it". So I gave him space... I was ready to give him as much space as he needed. I felt confident that we would reconcile and I was ready to put in 110%. He called me three days later and said that same things... "I can't right now, I'm sorry. I can't". He was crying. He offered to come over to talk about it, and again said he was there if I needed him, but I declined. It hurt so much. It was like being dumped for a second time. Our group of mutual friends (all couples) apparently chewed him out about it, that he led me on and stuff. But I think that the way he acted was him acting honestly and sincerely-- his walls were down and he let his feelings show. The next time I saw him, he came very guarded because our friends had been so angry with him. We met for coffee and to see each other once more before we left school. I wasn't planning on talking about the relationship, but he brought it up. I asked why he didn't want to try working it out... he told me that he felt like he only loved me compassionately now. He did this while holding my hand. I asked if it was because I had hurt him, and he said yes. But that he should have spoken up more for himself but didn't because he is afraid of conflict... at times, he felt angry, but would go on acting normally and hide it from me. He's starting therapy to help him be able to confront people about how he is feeling. We hugged for a long time, and he cried once again. He made me look him in the eye and tell him that I'd never get into a bad relationship again-- that I deserved to be treated like a princess. We kissed one more time and he said that I could call him any time. All this happened in 3 weeks. Since then, I haven't contacted him (3.5 weeks NC). I heard from a mutual friend that he is asking about me, and that he is hurting a lot. He has isolated himself and has thrown himself into his work-- just stays in his room and works, which isn't like him... I saw a picture of him recently and he had lost so much weight. His cheeks and eyes were sunken, and he was barely cracking a smile. He kept all of our pictures up on Facebook (I deactivated mine but my friends told me this). We're both hurting so much... I just want a chance to cherish him and to show him that the person I had become in the relationship isn't me. He deserves all the love in the world. Is there any way to fix this... would NC be the best way or should we try to communicate since we never did that in the relationship? I am doing everything I can to work on myself and I know I'll be okay with or without him... I just feel so guilty for hurting someone that I love so much. TL;DR: I've been abused in past relationships and I pushed a great guy away; told him how I feel and he made it obvious he still has feelings for me but seems afraid of getting hurt again (understandably). Getting help now and working on myself. Is NC or LC the best option for possible reconciliation? Edited June 18, 2013 by veggies
Author veggies Posted June 19, 2013 Author Posted June 19, 2013 Please guys, I know it's a long read but I'm desperate for some constructive advice. Be as harsh as you need to be-- I'm just at a loss over what to do. I'm really worried I could have messed up the best thing that's ever happened to me.
inaya42 Posted June 19, 2013 Posted June 19, 2013 hi, i am so sorry to hear that you are hurting so much. breakups are hard, especially when feelings remain so very strong. as you know, no one here can predict whether your relationship will reconcile, now or in the future. judging from what you have written, it doesn't seem that now would be the time to pursue it. you and your ex sound emotionally exhausted. while you have been dealing with your chronic fatigue and depression, it seems that he has dealt with unfulfilled needs. and this has caused his romantic feelings to become diminished over time. he clearly cares so much for you but has found the inner determination to tell you on three different weepy occasions that he can't do the relationship right now. as you love him very much, hear him. allow him to make a choice that is good for him (and maybe for you.). respect his decision and continue to take care of yourself. i don't think you should contact him or respond to any (breadcrumb) contact from him for a very long time. take this time to rediscover the lively, healthy, passionate, awesome YOU.
Delilah1623 Posted June 19, 2013 Posted June 19, 2013 My heart hurts for you because it was almost like reading my own story. My guy did come back to me and we have been working through things and it has been going really well. I hope the same for you. Once you have healed yourself you will be able to build a healthy, loving relationship with another person. If he is the one he will come back to you. If not he wasnt the one as hard as it might seem to accept and as much as it might hurt right now. Good luck sweetheart.
Author veggies Posted June 19, 2013 Author Posted June 19, 2013 (edited) Thank you for your kind words guys. Our friends are rooting for us to perhaps get back together after we all go back to college (we're a group made up of about 4 different couples... the girls live in one house and the guys live in their own apartment. We all do everything together). I thought that maybe LC would be the best approach because me not being attentive to his needs is what drove him away, but you're right... we are both emotionally exhausted. And not in a great place to make decisions. I wish I hadn't pushed so hard in the beginning. It's just that I heard from my friend that he's been open about the break up with that he was second guessing his decision, and that he constantly asked her how I was doing so I thought I'd reach out and ask to try again. He would even ask our friends to tell me that the new season of our favorite show is out, but said not to reveal that he said it. He made a playlist of funny youtube videos that he knows I would like. I'm definitely still on his mind. At one point, he was invited to see a movie with our friends but an extra girl was going who was single. He flat out refused to go because he didn't want me to find out and think it was a date, even though he REALLY wanted to see the movie. There is definitely nobody else in the picture, when I saw him the first time after the BU he said that I was the only girl he wanted, and that he couldn't even look at other girls without being upset. But you're right... NC is best for now. Maybe when we get back to school in the fall things will be different. Edited June 19, 2013 by veggies
WarmSunshine Posted June 19, 2013 Posted June 19, 2013 I am going through a somewhat similar situation. Just a little bit more complicated now that there is another woman in the picture now. I hope you'll find a solution and get this situation of yours resolved, do update us about your current position from time to time. Here's my link to my situation, would definitely need more opinions too: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/402017-don-t-want-lose-my-10-years-relationship
Author veggies Posted June 19, 2013 Author Posted June 19, 2013 It's nice to know that there are others going through similar things... WarmSunshine your story seems very tricky... I don't have any advice for you but I hope everything works out when you see him. Just be honest with him, I would say. --- I've gained so much clarity during therapy and I have so much I want to say to him... I kept rejecting his affection and I couldn't understand why. I knew in my heart that I loved him but I just didn't know why I didn't want him to touch me very often... it must have hurt him so badly. I can't even imagine the hurt I caused him. I now understand that I was just putting up walls to protect myself because I thought I didn't deserve him. I wish I could tell him that it truly had nothing to do with him, it was all me. But I feel like I have already poured my heart out to him and I don't want to bother him anymore. The guilt still eats me alive.
Leigh 87 Posted June 19, 2013 Posted June 19, 2013 Hey there. Wow, I am so sorry that you're going through this. Sounds like it was pretty full on and a close relationship. This guy sure sounds like he cares about you and that he HAD strong feelings for you. He has your best interest at heart, from the sounds of things! Feelings change. They do. It would be easy to think " if they are the one, they would stay and they would be with me" ...Thing is, couples break up and get back together months or years later. Or, people who were once in love, lose that love. And never reunite. People are funny! You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders. You won't beg or push for a relationship with a dude. He should damn well want to come back to you, if it is meant to be! Look. Live your life as though he will never come back. You just don't know what will happen. I lost my ex, a guy I was with for almost 3 years. Lived together. Together every day. Very loving relationship. Feelings change though..... And sometimes they realise that what they had with their exes, is worth re establishing. Sadly, most men tend to move on and lose their romantic love (towards their ex). DO not expect him back. Most men never return, in a serious romantic sense. Just chill. Hang with your friends, work out, get really invested and busy with your own life. Do not expect or hope to get back together with him. And lastly but not least: the ONLY shot you have with him, is utter No Contact, and YOU have to reach a point where you're totally at peace with never being with him again. Ironically, the guy only ever tends to come back, once the girl moves on and proves to herself that she is a strong and happy woman on her OWN. Guys sense desperation and girls that retain a lot of hope, from miles away! You have to sort of move on' before he moves back.
WarmSunshine Posted June 19, 2013 Posted June 19, 2013 (edited) It's nice to know that there are others going through similar things... WarmSunshine your story seems very tricky... I don't have any advice for you but I hope everything works out when you see him. Just be honest with him, I would say. --- I've gained so much clarity during therapy and I have so much I want to say to him... I kept rejecting his affection and I couldn't understand why. I knew in my heart that I loved him but I just didn't know why I didn't want him to touch me very often... it must have hurt him so badly. I can't even imagine the hurt I caused him. I now understand that I was just putting up walls to protect myself because I thought I didn't deserve him. I wish I could tell him that it truly had nothing to do with him, it was all me. But I feel like I have already poured my heart out to him and I don't want to bother him anymore. The guilt still eats me alive. We can go through this, Veggies! I'm trying to be optimistic and try to be as expressive as I can, making it up on all those times I suppressed my feelings. Thank you for your kind wishes and I hope the same for you. If you feel that he needs to see you in this different 'light' and you want to show him that things can improve, don't give up. "Don't give up the person you can't go a day without thinking" ^__^ -fist in the air- Edited June 19, 2013 by WarmSunshine
Leigh 87 Posted June 19, 2013 Posted June 19, 2013 We can go through this, Veggies! I'm trying to be optimistic and try to be as expressive as I can, making it up on all those times I suppressed my feelings. Thank you for your kind wishes and I hope the same for you. If you feel that he needs to see you in this different 'light' and you want to show him that things can improve, don't give up. "Don't give up the person you can't go a day without thinking" ^__^ -fist in the air- It is unhealthy to want to show yourself to your ex in a different life, IF they left you and IF they have not reached out, first! Although if he reaches out, I think it is okay to respond. Just to see what he wants. I totally get it. I want my ex to see me in a different light; I was cop dependant and not happy within myself when he left. But only if they reach out first, should we even bother. We are bettering ourselves for US. Us only. It is putting too much stock on an EX if we reach out.
Author veggies Posted June 19, 2013 Author Posted June 19, 2013 Thanks for the advice Leigh. I'm trying to live like he's never coming back, but it's so hard to kill that last shred of hope. The way he kept looking at me and sobbing so hard his body was shaking and pulling me close and SQUEEZING me tight the first time I saw him after the BU is just burned into my mind. It hurts to think that it might be the last happy memory we have together, but I have understand that it might be just that. I've reconnected with friends (that I had pushed away... it's a habit apparently) and have started doing new activities like running (signed up for a 5k in September), yoga, volunteer work, even skydiving. I've been reading all kinds of self-help books and of course going to therapy. Also I became agnostic for a long while and that's something that pushed him away (his faith is very important to him) but recently something happened and I feel like I have found God again, so I've been studying the Bible and have found peace in that. But at the end of the day, I can't shake the feeling of a huge chunk missing from my life. I think the only thing that will remedy that is time.
Author veggies Posted June 21, 2013 Author Posted June 21, 2013 My therapist suggested that I reach out to him and tell him what I had learned (about the feeling that I didn't deserve him, etc. and that's why I pushed him away). He did make it a point to leave the door wide open (told me several times he'd ALWAYS pick up the phone when I called, whether it was to talk, to scream at him, whatever.),he just hasn't contacted me because the last time I saw him I said I needed to be on my own for a while. That was 4 weeks ago. What do you think? I told my therapist the whole situation and she also does a lot of relationship work and she suggested me reaching out to him and giving him the answers and seeing how he responds.
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