People find me attractive...except girls I want to date

[colejack]

So, a few weeks ago I asked two separate girls out and got turned down by both. One meant more than the other since she’s been a crush for a while and I finally had an opportunity to ask her out. Oh well. I went on a much needed vacation the following week. During it, I befriended a gay couple at a bar. They were really cool and had a lot of positive things to say to me that got my mood back up (there were a number of unrelated bad things that happened the same week those girls turned me down...hence why the vacation was much needed).

 

Anyway, I realized that this happens a lot, where nearly every demographic finds me to be very attractive physically and socially, except girls my age that I would date. Many gay guys I've known have been very direct and with hitting on me. I get along with women 35 and above very well and have had many tell me I’m handsome and charming. When I used to work in restaurants in college they’d sometimes randomly come up to me just to tell me that. They've all assumed that I don't have a girlfriend or date much simply because I don't want to, but that's not the case at all. I find all these things very flattering, especially since hearing it is all relatively new to me since I got in better shape and opened up more personality-wise. I wish some girls I find attractive thought and showed these things even just a little. I’ll go out and I can’t even get a girl my age to make eye contact with me, let alone a smile. I’ve gotten to the point where if a girl looks and me a few times I’ll approach her without hesitation. A smile makes me even more confident and ready to approach. It’s much harder to approach girls when there’s absolutely no initial eye contact first, though. I’ve done it a few times and I don’t really like it.

 

Now, there are some girls my age that are into me, but I don’t consider them dateable for legitimate reasons. I don’t feel a spark physically, but also, within a few minutes of talking to me, they’ll start listing off their problems and display self-pity. I do my best to encourage them and be friendly, but they turn me off to any notion of dating them.

 

Anyway, I’m trying to figure out what’s going on – why there’s such an imbalance in who’s attracted to me. I figure the gay guys and older women flirt with me because they have nothing to lose. I asked some gay friends if gay guys think I’m gay, and all of them said I come off as straight with no mistake, but apparently that makes it easier for gay guys to flirt with me since to them it’s just fun. Same with older women. They still choose to flirt with and compliment me, so even if I’m just eye candy to them I’m doing something right. If so, though, why is it not that way for girls in their 20’s? Do they do things much differently or find different things in guys attractive?

[KungFuJoe]

Man I keep telling you...the Mario Lopez look is played out, son! Played out!

[Eggplant]

An imbalance ... maybe it's just random.

 

Also, do the 30-somethings believe they actually have a chance with you? Because if not, their actions are light-hearted.

[pcplod]

Based on what you say, frankly I don't have a clue. You say you are good-looking, you seem to be pretty-well clued in to yourself and you seem to be a pretty confident guy who finds it easy to talk to others about romance, attraction and so on. I can only think that maybe younger women, maybe a bit less confident in themselves and knowing that unlike the others you cite that they are a direct target of your attention are basically flunking it. But that is just a complete guess. I reckon with your own ability to enquire and to assess yourself, you will figure it out eventually, so don't be disheartened or despair. Keep trying, you will figure it out for yourself without the help of any distant of 'observers'.

[hppr]

1) how old are you exactly

2) describe yourself physically (height, weight, build)

3) do you have an in-style haircut and clothing

4) what is your personality type - easy going or hardheaded, ambitious or 'let things happen' etc

5) what do you do for a living and where do you do it (place of residence)

[KungFuJoe]

1) how old are you exactly

2) describe yourself physically (height, weight, build)

3) do you have an in-style haircut and clothing

4) what is your personality type - easy going or hardheaded, ambitious or 'let things happen' etc

5) what do you do for a living and where do you do it (place of residence)

 

I'll answer for you since I know op very well...

 

1 - He's in his mid 20s

2 - He's built like a linebacker but with less body fat.

3 - He's very into keeping himself up to date with fashion and personal grooming. Not a problem here.

4 - He's very easy going, but he's also a go getter with ambition (will be a millionaire by the time he's 35).

5 - He's a car salesman.

[hppr]

I'll answer for you since I know op very well...

 

1 - He's in his mid 20s

2 - He's built like a linebacker but with less body fat.

3 - He's very into keeping himself up to date with fashion and personal grooming. Not a problem here.

4 - He's very easy going, but he's also a go getter with ambition (will be a millionaire by the time he's 35).

5 - He's a car salesman.

 

LOL I get your first response then.

 

I don't really know what to say, either he's too conservative with girls so he comes across as grown-up/'old' or the girls he is interested in he can't connect with personality wise.

 

When I hit up the gym, bought new clothes, made myself all purdy and nice-smelling instead of touch-with-10ft-pole-nerd I had weird experiences with girls too. Took me a little while to really figure out where I was and who I could legitimately go for.

[colejack]

Hey guys, thanks for the responses.

 

Man I keep telling you...the Mario Lopez look is played out, son! Played out!

 

I like to think of myself as a prettier version of Enrique Iglesias.

 

1) how old are you exactly

2) describe yourself physically (height, weight, build)

3) do you have an in-style haircut and clothing

4) what is your personality type - easy going or hardheaded, ambitious or 'let things happen' etc

5) what do you do for a living and where do you do it (place of residence)

 

I'll answer for you since I know op very well...

 

1 - He's in his mid 20s

2 - He's built like a linebacker but with less body fat.

3 - He's very into keeping himself up to date with fashion and personal grooming. Not a problem here.

4 - He's very easy going, but he's also a go getter with ambition (will be a millionaire by the time he's 35).

5 - He's a car salesman.

 

Haha, you're funny man, and you actually got a few right.

 

1 - Mid 20's

 

2 - I'm 6' 1" and ~185 lbs now. I'm pretty lean and have a good amount of muscle all around, but not a ridiculous amount. I'd call my build athletic, though my bone structure is just a little bit wider than most athletic builds.

 

3 - I don't know much about fashion, but I'm spent some time and money recently finding new clothes for summer that work better for me compared to my old clothes. Nothing too fancy like full suits though, but I don't go to many fancy places, not yet at least. I don't have a really in hairstyle, but I keep it well trimmed and groomed and it works for me. I've gotten compliments about my hair before, so I think I'm good with that.

 

4 - Kungfu's got it, especially the millionaire part! I'm definitely a go getter that always needs to have a goal or project, but around others I'm easy going. I joke around, laugh a lot, and make others laugh. I'm focused on my goals but I like to have fun doing them.

 

5 - I develop apps and software for a living. I'm close to NYC and will probably be moving even closer or in the city within a few months.

 

An imbalance ... maybe it's just random.

 

Also, do the 30-somethings believe they actually have a chance with you? Because if not, their actions are light-hearted.

 

Most probably aren't thinking of actually dating me, however I do look old for my age and can pass as 30, so maybe they are really trying for something. I don't doubt that most are just having fun, but they're still choosing to do it with me in particular.

 

Based on what you say, frankly I don't have a clue. You say you are good-looking, you seem to be pretty-well clued in to yourself and you seem to be a pretty confident guy who finds it easy to talk to others about romance, attraction and so on. I can only think that maybe younger women, maybe a bit less confident in themselves and knowing that unlike the others you cite that they are a direct target of your attention are basically flunking it. But that is just a complete guess. I reckon with your own ability to enquire and to assess yourself, you will figure it out eventually, so don't be disheartened or despair. Keep trying, you will figure it out for yourself without the help of any distant of 'observers'.

 

Thanks for your input. I've been told by some guy friends that I can be intimidating to girls. Not in a threatening scary way (at least I hope not), but that I "ooze masculinity" as one of them once put it. Like I described myself, I'm somewhat tall and built well. I also have a very deep voice and strong facial features like a roman nose and big jaw line. I'm not really a cute guy like Mario Lopez, haha. I would fit right in as some Roman soldier in Gladiator or some movie like that.

 

LOL I get your first response then.

 

I don't really know what to say, either he's too conservative with girls so he comes across as grown-up/'old' or the girls he is interested in he can't connect with personality wise.

 

When I hit up the gym, bought new clothes, made myself all purdy and nice-smelling instead of touch-with-10ft-pole-nerd I had weird experiences with girls too. Took me a little while to really figure out where I was and who I could legitimately go for.

 

I'll admit that I can be a little more conservative as far as not getting too sexual when talking to girls. I will be playful and occasionally flirt by saying something about their looks or maybe something sexual that doesn't directly apply to them, but there's a line I won't cross. For example, about a year ago I was in a bar and this group of women in their 30's (of course) asked me to take a picture of them. I told them I would if some of them would play a game of pool with my friends and I. My more raunchy and player friend, however, kept whispering to tell them that they would have to take their tops off for me to take a picture. Even though it's obviously joking, I would feel like a slimeball saying that to these women I just met.

 

But yeah, glad I'm not the only one with some weird experiences. It's been tough lately since I've had absolutely no dates or anything in the past 3 months or so, and the last girl I dated was a horrible experience. It sucks to know that the last person you kissed has the heart of a Disney villain. But anyway, before that, in the past 2 years of living alone, I've racked up some pretty weird but funny stories.

[BustedUpInside]

To be honest, you sound like the type of guy that I would have identified as "The Husband" in my early 20's and I would have definitely steered clear.

 

The Husband:

Pros: Respectful, takes his time getting to know you, stable financially, engages in a healthy lifestyle, has bonafide hobbies, is motivated towards building a future and would like to find the right girl to "settle down"

 

The problem with The Husband is that I always worried that he would be judgmental about everything. Like if I wanted to get white girl wasted on the weekends, he would call me trashy. If I suggested something perverted, he would be shocked and call me slutty. If I told him that I thought I might never want to get married or have kids, he would wonder if I was "wife" material and dump me.

 

Or, I could go out with The Fun Guy who likes chipotle, doesn't really care about the gym, will get wasted with me, and never says no to any kind of sex. That guy was so good for my self-esteem.

 

Now that I am in my early 30's, The Husband sounds a lot better, and the fun guy just doesn't have enough security or emotional maturity.

[colejack]

To be honest, you sound like the type of guy that I would have identified as "The Husband" in my early 20's and I would have definitely steered clear.

 

The Husband:

Pros: Respectful, takes his time getting to know you, stable financially, engages in a healthy lifestyle, has bonafide hobbies, is motivated towards building a future and would like to find the right girl to "settle down"

 

The problem with The Husband is that I always worried that he would be judgmental about everything. Like if I wanted to get white girl wasted on the weekends, he would call me trashy. If I suggested something perverted, he would be shocked and call me slutty. If I told him that I thought I might never want to get married or have kids, he would wonder if I was "wife" material and dump me.

 

Or, I could go out with The Fun Guy who likes chipotle, doesn't really care about the gym, will get wasted with me, and never says no to any kind of sex. That guy was so good for my self-esteem.

 

Now that I am in my early 30's, The Husband sounds a lot better, and the fun guy just doesn't have enough security or emotional maturity.

 

Very interesting. I have no idea if girls see me as The Husband. They might. However, I know 100% I'm not actually The Husband. You want to get white girl wasted? I'm fine with that as long as you take some shots of whiskey with me and not only drink fruity stuff. A girl who likes beer is a huge plus for me. I will say that I'm not a fan of other drugs, but if a girl liked to smoke weed every now and then I wouldn't care and might even join in. I'm making it a rule to stay away from girls who are into cocaine, though. I've had several bad experiences when I was around people doing coke and really hate the idea of that stuff.

 

I filter my thoughts when I'm around people I don't know too well or at work, but the moment I get a little more comfortable, I can say some perverted stuff. That's what happens when you're a huge fan of comedians like Louis CK or Patton Oswalt...they influence your thoughts and kill whatever innocence you had. So, if you say something perverted, you're only opening the floor for me to come right back at you with perversion. I'm into the gym and keeping in shape, yes, but one reason I do that is so I can eat and drink boat loads of crap every now and then and not feel like complete ****.

 

I'm stable, have a good job, have a lot of discipline and order in certain respects. At the same time, I'm still young and not totally ready to leave the college life behind. Marriage is worlds away. I'm just looking for a girl who I'm insanely attracted to who feels the same way about me. I probably don't portray this right off the bat, but I'm pretty sexual. Once we've established we're both down for sex and in the bedroom, I'm down for a lot of stuff and get turned on by all sorts of things. And I love the idea of pleasuring the hell out of a girl to the point where she's wiggling around and all. It always turns me on more than anything.

 

Uhh...yeah, but you may or may not have a point in the way I come off initially. I have both The Husband and The Fun Guy in me, and I could fully be The Husband right now and find a girl to make a decent woman of, but for the next few years at least, I want to be the Fun Guy.

[hppr]

You're probably just being too conservative with em and/or meeting the wrong ones.

 

Like I said I had the same problems when I got back into dating. I didn't want to 'play the field' I wanted something 'real' but I didn't want to take it too fast. Eventually I started dating women who were younger than I was and so far it's worked out great but it took a lot of trying to get there.

 

So really it is about finding your 'market niche'. If you are in any way involved in sales that should make perfect sense.

[colejack]

Not in sales but it definitely makes sense. What specific things would you suggest to do to be less conservative?

[Maleficent]

Why don't you try dating older women?

[colejack]

Why don't you try dating older women?

 

A woman in her early 30's I would date if she wanted to date me. Like we were discussing in this thread, they probably don't seriously want to date me and are just having fun talking to a younger decent looking guy. A lot of them have also been much older, like mid 40's. Those are even more unlikely to be serious. I wouldn't be interested either. I like girls around my age the best.

[Appleness]

I understand you're frustration Colejack. I think it might have to do with your geography though. In your age group, women are looking for people to party/ go out with. They aren't looking for husbands yet, as BustedUpInside pointed out.

[colejack]

I understand you're frustration Colejack. I think it might have to do with your geography though. In your age group, women are looking for people to party/ go out with. They aren't looking for husbands yet, as BustedUpInside pointed out.

 

I know, and that's exactly what I'm looking for too. I work with a guy only two years older than me who has a wife and kid already, and while I generally like him, a lot of times I think "I hope to god that's not me in two years." To each his own, though, but I'm definitely don't want to be a husband. I'm not even intending to get into anything serious. If something serious comes along, great. Right now, all I want is to be able to go out and have fun with someone. Whether I see a girl for only a night, a week, a month or two, whatever...just as long as I can go through a week of work and have something to look forward to on the weekend. That's all I want.

[Revolver]

This is the essential dating problem most men and women have. Most men can get dates like most women can get dates and relationships, they just can't get them with the people they truly desire

[hppr]

This is the essential dating problem most men and women have. Most men can get dates like most women can get dates and relationships, they just can't get them with the people they truly desire

 

It's because they're attracted to people who aren't their type.

 

Type is more about personality, shared values and goals than it is physical attraction.

 

Not saying the OP (or anyone else) who is having dating problems should "date ugly". Just that they aren't as self-aware as they think they are.

[colejack]

This is the essential dating problem most men and women have. Most men can get dates like most women can get dates and relationships, they just can't get them with the people they truly desire

 

Yes, it's a problem many people face, but many people still go on dates and have relationships. I'll go out to eat dinner and every other table is a couple or a date. They have to be finding people that they're somewhat attracted to, right? Maybe not their perfect guy or girl, but their dates must interest them enough. Some girls interest me more than others, but there's a wide range of girls I would consider dateable. You'd think at least some would feel the same about me.

 

 

It's because they're attracted to people who aren't their type.

 

Type is more about personality, shared values and goals than it is physical attraction.

 

Not saying the OP (or anyone else) who is having dating problems should "date ugly". Just that they aren't as self-aware as they think they are.

 

Self-aware in which way? If you mean that myself and others aren't self-aware about our type personality and value-wise, then you're right. I know what I like more or less physically, but personality and value-wise I don't know what I like the most yet. A reserved yet sweet girl would be nice, but a wise ass girl who could always go back and forth with me cracking jokes would be fun too. My point is that I don't know unless I date around and spend time with all types of girls, which I'm not doing right now. Saying I'm attracted to people that aren't my type doesn't make sense to me, though, because I've gone for all different types - from cute dorky girls who are artistic and always have their nose in a book, to girls who are really into sports and going to the bar scene on weekends. Very different personalities and values between all of them, but they all weren't into me.

[ScreamingTrees]

Perhaps you're not as great looking as you'd think? I still battle with my own perception of myself, which varies from as attractive as anyone else to insanely hideous..

 

How much does an older woman's opinion weight in comparison to your average girl that you would personally like to get to know? Someone who is neither morbidly obese, or anorexic/dangerously malnourished looking.

 

If you've got no positive attention from any of the women who SHOULD be picking you up on their immediate radar as a "peer" (going by age, if not anything else) then you might as well consider what other ways you can make yourself attractive to those women. Look at all of your non-physical bullets.. Or maybe present yourself as a butter face? That's probably what I'll try to do if I ever bother.

[colejack]

Perhaps you're not as great looking as you'd think? I still battle with my own perception of myself, which varies from as attractive as anyone else to insanely hideous..

 

I've definitely considered not being good looking. Believe me, I can be very hard on myself in a lot of ways. For the longest time I assumed that I was a goofy looking guy and just accepted it. Not ugly, but not anything special. In the past 2-3 years, though, there have been so many cases of people complimenting my looks that I began to finally think of myself as being decent looking. Granted, I still see some pictures of myself and think I look goofy, but I feel like everyone does that. It's weird judging your own looks.

 

One case that always gives me some hope and might be the primary antithesis to my original point in this thread happened during an unofficial high school reunion about a year ago. This very sweet and beautiful girl I knew in school approached me. We greeted each other, had some small talk, and then she said to me that the main reason she approached me was to tell me how good looking and confident I've become since high school and that her and her friends were talking about me when I walked in. It was one of the best compliments I've ever received, since it's hard proof that I've grown far beyond my rough high school days. I would have definitely tried to go out with her, but I knew from facebook that she was in a serious relationship in another state. That's probably why she approached me. She had no reason to feel intimidated by me since she wasn't trying to gain anything. I tried talking with a few of her friends throughout the night, and they all were very shy around me. It showed me that a great girl my age that I would totally date could definitely find me attractive, though no unattached girl that I was interested in has ever said anything like that to me.

 

How much does an older woman's opinion weight in comparison to your average girl that you would personally like to get to know? Someone who is neither morbidly obese, or anorexic/dangerously malnourished looking.

 

If you've got no positive attention from any of the women who SHOULD be picking you up on their immediate radar as a "peer" (going by age, if not anything else) then you might as well consider what other ways you can make yourself attractive to those women. Look at all of your non-physical bullets.. Or maybe present yourself as a butter face? That's probably what I'll try to do if I ever bother.

 

I have wondered what an opinion of a gay man or older woman means vs. a younger woman. That's part of my original question. Either way, I still try to find ways to become more attractive, like recently I've been gradually getting clothes that fit me better and are a little more stylish. Personality-wise, I think the only real area that's lacking is my amount of flirtation. Other than that, I'm confident in my intelligence, humor, and interests and passions that I can come off as attractive. I'll continue to improve those things, but what I have now should be plenty to attract some interest. Maybe I can put some of those qualities forward a little better when I first meet a girl. Like my job, I'm smart, creative, and have a lot of substance, but I'm not a salesman. I can be charismatic in other ways, but not in sales by any means. I'm too honest and blunt, haha.

 

And Screaming Trees are awesome, btw!

[ScreamingTrees]

Good to know someone else likes the band.. We probably share a lot of bands in common.

 

I've had an older gay guy tell me I have a beautiful body, that there's nothing wrong with me, etc. A good friend, so I don't mind his passive aggressive come-ons and he knows that I'm just not into that sort of stuff, but I don't think it means anything. Unless all women my age are too scared to interact with me, but I highly doubt it.

 

Even if I was a model-esque fellow, I know guys who I absolutely KNOW by most standards would be considered attractive, and they don't have to worry about the opposite sex being intimidated by them.. On the contrary, they're vicious, totally hungry for a piece of those guys.

 

I don't see how I could be that intimidating relatively speaking. The reality is that we're really not intimidating, the girls just take a look at us and see the highlight-of-the-room-guy behind us. They're not thinking about us, they're thinking about how they can get closer to that guy.

[colejack]

Don't be so negative, man. I really think it's more complicated than just, "If women aren't very aggressive with you, then you're not attracting any." Sure, some lucky guys might have girls chasing after them without having to do much work. I think a person's ability to be approached can vary immensely, though, and can be independent of attractiveness. I'll give an example of a case that doesn't have to do with attraction with the opposite sex. I acted in a play one time which was my first part at a much bigger and nicer theater. The first night after the show, audience members were going up to the other actors and praising them, and not a single person came up to me. It made me feel pretty bad and convinced me that I delivered a poor performance. Then later on in the night, the producer came up to me and told me how many people asked him who I was, since they have never seen me before, and praised my performance. It made me feel much better, but it also taught me that just because people didn't directly come up to me doesn't mean they didn't find my performance strong. They probably just had never seen me before and got a vibe that dissuaded them from approaching me.

 

I've had a number of situations like that involving acting or performing music, and because I'm so damn hard on myself, if no one else offers positive feedback I'm left with my own iron-fisted self-critique. Maybe it's the same with women? And many girls I know are incredibly subtle and definitely not ballsy enough to go up to a random guy and hit on him. They prefer to giggle and whisper in their friends' ears about him.

 

Really, I shouldn't think about it too much. It would help to be able to read some signs better, though.