sunshine5 Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 Hi all, I spent some time lurking your forums and they really helped me understand some of what I'm experiencing emotionally at the moment, so I'd just like to firstly thank you for running such a supportive community board. I am feeling quiet stronger than the rut I have been for the last week. My girlfriend and I have been together in our first relationship since the late years of high school and are now 2nd years at separate universities (3 year relationship or so). Our early years were full of love and great fun, particularly when we could see each other everyday at high school. We thought those days would never end. However, I have noticed only recently how I took her for granted and made many mistakes over the course of the relationship which have greatly damaged her feelings toward me. I have now come to my senses and want to make things right, but it may certainly be too late. Things have not been going so well recently. Around valentines in February, our friends organised a three day trip to the beach site where her and I first kissed. During the holiday, we were alone a lot of the time occupying ourselves talking about the relationship. She had said on the way over how she was growing out of touch. To my surprise, there was expression of interest in "experiencing the world" from my girlfriend's side and she made it clear enough she wanted to be friends to see if we could be happier (despite my ignorance at the time). One day, the discussions became so intense that both of us were crying our hearts out: I selfishly expressed how if we broke up, I couldn't bare the heartbreak of remaining as a friend. One of our friends eventually found us down by the beach so we wiped our tears away and went back to the house. As we walked, she came up to me and said that she wasn't going to break up with me - we enjoyed the rest of the trip without stressing about our conversations. Since then, we finished another semester of university together but only a couple days ago did she tell me that something has been missing. She expressed her bi-curiosity to me (which is familiar but it seemed inappropriate during the conversation) and when I walked her home I asked her about what she has been meaning by it. Everything we talked about during the trip resurfaced and when I asked her with tears in my eyes if she still loved me she said "I don't know... I care about you". However, when I left her at her door, she said that we should just forget about all this depressing stuff: "How about we just take stuff easy for a while, put no pressure on each other. We'll just stay calm." SO THIS IS WHERE I'VE STARTED GETTING CONFUSED ON WHAT TO DO SINCE SHE SAID THAT. I think she is scared of hurting my feelings. We had a facebook conversation that night and here is some of what she said: [our early days together came up] "They feel like things I've lost. Stuff that's gone now. It also makes me sad because when I think of if there will be an us without the relationship, I'll look back on them and they'll make me regret things They make me sad because I don't feel the same way I used to Something changed That kills me Stuff seemed so simple back then." "I don't know. I guess that's the problem, I changed too. I don't know if I could be the same again. I don't know if I'll just be able to forget about all that stuff that I wanted to do and go and and experience. The more I say it the more selfish and stupid I think I sound" "It feels like it's my fault this is happening again" THEN SUDDENLY "ALRIGHT LET'S DROP THIS LIKE THE BASS WUB WUB I'm Skrillex. I'm pretty sure we both know the deal now. We're taking things slow. And you know how I feel, so." And by the end of all that she still says how she wants to give her virginity to me and take mine too (we have been sexually intimate, but, y'know, size). I think she has intentionally stopped saying "I love you" at the end of our conversations and seeing each other. By the end of the holidays, she also leaves on her own for a semester in Philadelphia as apart of her fine arts course (she is an incredible artist) and I'm feeling more and more each day that that distance and time from each other will be the final note I hear. She says she will skype me and keep in contact, but this is only sounding like it will set us further and further apart. Firstly, I want to know if there's any chance I can save us before she leaves or am I just holding onto something that's already over? I've recently tried showing my interest in everything she loves and smiling, laughing like I used to. Since we talked, every moment I am around her I feel like I am making everything alright - I listen intently, she smiles brighter than I have seen her in years, and I surprise her at work. But when we're apart I get paranoid and say to myself "she said she cared, not loved" "she sees you as a friend" "it's over". I beat myself up, and hate myself for not putting as much energy into the relationship as I could have in the past. Naively, I didn't realize how much love she required and wanted from me. But if I spend it all on her now, will that work out for us? I don't know what to do. Should I take things slow like she said and act calm like nothing's wrong? Might she fall in love with me again if I heal the wounded nostalgia? Should I give her space? Should I just follow through with the break up now? Or remain calm these holidays until my girlfriend is overseas. Maybe the distance will do us some good if I leave it on a good note. I hope someone could analyze the psychology of the situation. Before I was not prepared to let her go, but now I want whatever makes her happy. And yet I'm just curious if I can improve myself enough over this month to maybe make her interested in me again. Please help
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