I want the alpha male to go away.

[jma500]

This also could be handled officially as "sexual harassment". It's not like a person has to keep hitting on you for explicit sex, it's unwanted attention that threatens or otherwise disturbs a co-worker. OP, that is your next recourse. If he doesn't yield, tell him you will initiate documented proceedings against him. And the first time after that where he continues to act out on his power trip, write it all up and serve it. Some people are monsters and don't get it until it's bad. Sorry.

 

Absolutely correct. Creating a hostile work environment is implicitly against the law. Op: keep a detailed account of days, times, and what he says to you verbatim. You should also log in your other coworkers responses to this behavior. This will be an immense help should you pursue charges.

[therhythm]

No it wouldn't. At best it could be considered 'workplace bullying' but certainly not sexual harassment. The attention may be unwanted but it is as yet not at all sexual. This is a huge problem I have, people throw around that term and what's actually happening becomes either trivialized or blown out of proportion depending on the circumstances. Just because the harasser is male and the harasse is female doesn't mean it's sexual. However workplace bullying is very real and happens on a daily basis for reasons that go far beyond sexual. I have experienced both kinds and can tell you I have always taken greater issue with bullying than an inappropriate comment, gesture or innuendo.

 

yes I don't think it is sexual harassment either but it is definitely harassment...

[Taramere]

So today I tried the not talking to him tactic. He's definitely piped down. He tried making some smart a$$ comment, and I totally shut that down. He didn't talk to me for the rest of the day, even when it was just the two of us and no one else around. Usually he doesn't miss the opportunity to say something, but this time, nothing. I only went up to him to get help when my own grad student supervising me was busy.

 

So I'll probably keep that up. If it gets worse, I'll file a complaint for sure.

 

These can be difficult situations to handle. In one job I had, in my first week one of the partners said I looked like a typical blonde slapper. I work in a profession where some bosses think they don't just work with the law....they think they own and dictate it, and quite a few times I've encountered that kind of stuff combined with a smug attitude of "what are you going to do about it?"

 

I basically just let it be known to everybody who would listen that I thought it was out of order to greet a new employee in that way. He approached me and said he understood I'd taken his joke the wrong way. It was patronising and obviously intended to be, but I just kept my cool and said "you'll understand that for a new employee, joke or not it's a difficult thing to know how to respond to. I mean if I were to react to that with a jovial "**** off, c*nt" then there's the risk I'd get sacked, right?"

 

His jaw dropped, because I don't look or generally act like the sort of person who'll come out with an obscenity like that. It was written all over his face that he did not know how to take that, which was my opportunity to point out that it's not a great idea for people who don't really know eachother to get into politically incorrect or obscene banter.

 

It's not really an approach I'd recommend though. Generally the responses I've used to difficult situations aren't the recommended ones - but usually they've been the most effective ones. To me, you just have to go with the response that you a) think will work even if it's unconventional, and b) are ready to own (along with the consequences) if it doesn't work.

 

There's only one time I've dealt with somebody's bad behaviour in the workplace by going down the recommended HR route and it was an absolute shambles. When people tell you that these processes are designed to protect the organisation and not the employee, believe them. That said, if it's got to the stage where you're either thinking of leaving and claiming constructive dismissal or you think that people are trying to squeeze you out by harassing you/belittling you and your efforts to address it with them privately aren't working, then there isn't necessarily much option.

Edited June 19, 2013 by Taramere

[EasyHeart]

Guys I read all your comments, thanks for the advice! Quite a few made me laugh.

 

KungFuJoe. Have you ever worked in a chemistry lab? Try that before accusing me of making up stories. My grad students are great people (minus that guy) but they aren't the most developed in terms of social skills. I'm not fabricating anything. If you need proof so badly, I'll put a tape recorder in my pocket and upload the record on here.

 

So today I tried the not talking to him tactic. He's definitely piped down. He tried making some smart a$$ comment, and I totally shut that down. He didn't talk to me for the rest of the day, even when it was just the two of us and no one else around. Usually he doesn't miss the opportunity to say something, but this time, nothing. I only went up to him to get help when my own grad student supervising me was busy.

 

So I'll probably keep that up. If it gets worse, I'll file a complaint for sure.

I'm glad it's working for you so far.

 

Since there is another grad student supervising you, if there are problems with the "alpha" in the future, talk to your grad student first. Things like this can often be cleared up peer-to-peer by your saying "Alpha is creeping me out" and your grad student telling Alpha, "Dude, cool it. She's not into you". If that doesn't work, go to the prof in charge of the lab (who is likely alpha's adviser) and then the Chem Dept. Chair. I can pretty much guarantee you that the profs have dealt with this situation before. I think it's important to respect the chain of command because (a) you're most likely to get the problem fixed quickly and easily and (b) you don't blow up a small problem into a major incident. If you make a complaint to the university, then everyone has to go into CYA mode; if you talk to a prof, it becomes an unpleasant part of Alpha's education.

 

Grad students hitting on undergrads in the lab is as old as time. It was common when I was there 30 years ago and two of my good friends met their wives that way. I'm pretty sure this guy isn't trying to make you uncomfortable and he's certainly not trying to harass you. He's a young guy with his first taste of authority and it's gone to his head a bit. And not to stereotype (but I will anyway) he's probably a bit socially awkward and inexperienced with women for his age. If he was an LSer, he'd probably be starting threads saying, "There's this girl in my chem lab who smiles when I talk to her, so I think she really likes me. Should I ask her out"?

 

And, for good or bad, this probably isn't the last time you'll have to deal with a guy at school or work being interested in you. It's a good skill to learn how to shut guys down and resolve these sorts of things as informally as possible. So keep working on that bitch-face.

 

Good luck!

Edited June 19, 2013 by EasyHeart

[Tinie]

Time for an update.

 

Things have gotten much worse.

 

My ignoring S has lasted for a day. Yup, a day.

 

He's recruited two other grads, H and J, to be his sidekicks. H especially. H is always calling me "pretty girl" now and saying things like "S, why don't you go sit beside the pretty girl". I think S has spread some lies about me being in love with him or something, because that's what I think is happening. My mistake of responding to S's flirts has made it look like I'm the one chasing S. Or maybe that's what S is telling everyone else.

 

Which I'm not. I've done my best to keep contact minimal, and I only ask him questions related to my research, and even then, only when that's absolutely necessary. S tried explaining a concept to me today (which included him talking down to me, treating me like I'm slow, and overall he kept playing dumb and saying "what's there to get?" and if I asked for clarification, he'd repeat exactly what he was saying earlier, and never actually answered my questions). H came over to help, he solved the problem and when I was leaving, I said "thanks H". H said "did you thank S?". He used a really douchey tone. I think he was basically asking for an open confrontation. I sarcastically said "thanks S" and walked away. I should have said "phuk off H" but I didn't. I never swear so that would have surprised them.

 

S and H have never been buddy buddy until now. Now they seem to be always going on "walks". H says "S, let's go for a walk" and he's looking at me when he says that.

 

I'm not going to complain to the prof. That's what they're waiting for. I'm just going to tell them to phukking go grow some dicks and screw themselves. I'm so tired of this pathetic drama.

[Lani]

Urghh, how irritating!

 

Say something like 'Could you guys possibly grow up any time soon? This is so boring.'

 

Being told to grow up, and that what you're doing is boring always gets to people.

 

Another insult, just for fun? When one is talking to you, have a disgusted look on your face and ask mid sentence 'did you brush your teeth today?'.

[Tinie]

Urghh, how irritating!

 

Say something like 'Could you guys possibly grow up any time soon? This is so boring.'

 

Being told to grow up, and that what you're doing is boring always gets to people.

 

Another insult, just for fun? When one is talking to you, have a disgusted look on your face and ask mid sentence 'did you brush your teeth today?'.

 

I'll try that, thanks! I told S he was being boring a few days ago but apparently that didn't stick. I think both of them need to grow up and get a life.

 

Thankfully S is leaving for a 2 week vacay to Europe so I'll be rid of him for a little while. I was absolutely ecstatic when I heard that. I was hoping he'd be gone for a month though, but no such luck.

 

Haha the last bit about the teeth is awesome! And it would be perfect too, since S's teeth are always so yellow they look like smokers teeth.

[Lani]

I'll try that, thanks! I told S he was being boring a few days ago but apparently that didn't stick. I think both of them need to grow up and get a life.

 

Thankfully S is leaving for a 2 week vacay to Europe so I'll be rid of him for a little while. I was absolutely ecstatic when I heard that. I was hoping he'd be gone for a month though, but no such luck.

 

Haha the last bit about the teeth is awesome! And it would be perfect too, since S's teeth are always so yellow they look like smokers teeth.

 

Just say it, and then don't say anything else.

Or throw in the teeth line when they try and respond.

 

These guys sound like certified douchebags. I'm sorry you have to deal with them.

[Tinie]

Just say it, and then don't say anything else.

Or throw in the teeth line when they try and respond.

 

These guys sound like certified douchebags. I'm sorry you have to deal with them.

 

They certainly are. Thankfully there's only two of them. Three, if you count J, but his role has been pretty minimal.

 

I'll say it, and I suppose I shouldn't say anything else because they're probably trying to get a rise out of me or something?

 

A friend of mine said that if I act mad, everyone will think I asked S out and he rejected me. I don't know if that is plausible though?

[Lani]

They certainly are. Thankfully there's only two of them. Three, if you count J, but his role has been pretty minimal.

 

I'll say it, and I suppose I shouldn't say anything else because they're probably trying to get a rise out of me or something?

 

A friend of mine said that if I act mad, everyone will think I asked S out and he rejected me. I don't know if that is plausible though?

 

Who knows what will happen, but hopefully it will get them off your back personally.

You're never going to escape gossip, just don't give them anything to go on. If you don't talk, then they'll get bored and move on.

[salparadise]

I'm not going to complain to the prof. That's what they're waiting for. I'm just going to tell them to phukking go grow some dicks and screw themselves. I'm so tired of this pathetic drama.

 

Given the escalation, I'd say adopt a strictly business attitude with these guys rather than jousting. You could call them out and dress them down in front of everyone in the room... in a way that makes it perfectly clear to all that you're serious and are putting them on notice. That way everyone will understand the situation, they'll be embarrassed (maybe), and you will have laid the groundwork for a complaint. If that option is not appealing, you could deliver a written cease and desist notice.

[Ripnet]

Time for an update.

 

Things have gotten much worse.

 

My ignoring S has lasted for a day. Yup, a day.

 

He's recruited two other grads, H and J, to be his sidekicks. H especially. H is always calling me "pretty girl" now and saying things like "S, why don't you go sit beside the pretty girl". I think S has spread some lies about me being in love with him or something, because that's what I think is happening. My mistake of responding to S's flirts has made it look like I'm the one chasing S. Or maybe that's what S is telling everyone else.

 

Which I'm not. I've done my best to keep contact minimal, and I only ask him questions related to my research, and even then, only when that's absolutely necessary. S tried explaining a concept to me today (which included him talking down to me, treating me like I'm slow, and overall he kept playing dumb and saying "what's there to get?" and if I asked for clarification, he'd repeat exactly what he was saying earlier, and never actually answered my questions). H came over to help, he solved the problem and when I was leaving, I said "thanks H". H said "did you thank S?". He used a really douchey tone. I think he was basically asking for an open confrontation. I sarcastically said "thanks S" and walked away. I should have said "phuk off H" but I didn't. I never swear so that would have surprised them.

 

S and H have never been buddy buddy until now. Now they seem to be always going on "walks". H says "S, let's go for a walk" and he's looking at me when he says that.

 

I'm not going to complain to the prof. That's what they're waiting for. I'm just going to tell them to phukking go grow some dicks and screw themselves. I'm so tired of this pathetic drama.

 

 

From experience I can tell you it works in the long run at least it has for me. If you react to it then he will continue. I had a friend's father upset me, it was racist. So I ignored him for over a month and eventually he stopped and then he practice asked me to talk to him so I told him no more of the racist crap.

 

I suggest you write everything down in detail if you do need to report in the future. Names, times, events, everything that you can think of. I am shocked none of the guys are sticking up for you, it's pretty sad.

Edited June 21, 2013 by Ripnet

[Els]

Sounds a lot like a narcissist, or someone trying very hard to be one.

 

Why do you think they are 'waiting' for you to report them? Is there anyone whom you can turn to other than your direct supervisor? Most faculties have a student affairs dept, that acts sort of like HR.

[Ripnet]

Just say it, and then don't say anything else.

Or throw in the teeth line when they try and respond.

 

These guys sound like certified douchebags. I'm sorry you have to deal with them.

 

While I agree that they are douchebags using the teeth line isn't a good idea. If he gets upset it will just cause more problems. Plus that's a reaction and that's what they want.

[Tinie]

Ok I tried this tactic today and I think it stopped them cold.

 

Turns out both H and S are single. I thought only S was single.

 

I am meeting a guy tmr for a blind date. A mutual friend is introducing us and he said we would make a great match (this mutual friend is close with me and best friends with the guy I'm meeting, so I think there's a good chance it will go well).

 

Anyway, I dropped some hints about this, and both H and S got the hints REAL FAST. They started asking me details, what we're going to be doing. H went ahead and asked when I'm planning on having sex with this guy. That question was out of line, but better that than having S and H gossiping about me, and spreading lies in my workplace about me being interested romantically in S (which is not at all the case). H always noses around in other people's relationships and asks about the sex life but I think that will be easy for me to ignore because H is single and he wants sex but there's no one to give it to him.

 

I'll see on Monday if this plan worked. I think a lot of other guys aren't stepping in mostly because it doesn't happen around them. S and H only act like *******s when it's just the three of us in the office or the lab (which can happen if other grad students are at meetings or TAing or running experiments on machines downstairs).

 

Me and H were talking about our weekends when I took the bus with S and H today. That's when I told them about the guy I'm meeting tmr. H was all over that, and when I asked him about his weekend, he said "nothing, playing video games". I said "don't you have a girlfriend?" and he says "no, who'd want this?" and he indicates to himself. So I think the presence of an available girl got to S's and H's heads (female undergrads working in labs on scholarship are rare).

 

So hopefully that worked out. I did my best to get the point across that I'm unavailable now.